My husband met up with....

[BirdieMK3]

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

Sorry this is happening you. His indifference to your distress is appalling. I agree with the pp who advised seeing a solicitor to get advice should the worst come to pass. Knowledge is power

She is someone who has popped up on his socials and he's flattered by the attention. Only when he meets up with her will he realise she's just trying to flog him a timeshare/Cambridge diet plan/Herbalife or some other MLM shite😂

It sounded ok until this. This is a weird one. The only person whose mobile number I remember from 20+ years ago is my first boyfriend/first love. Unless he’s usually good at remembering random things like that, I would think she’d have had to have been someone special to him at some point? You don’t just read a number once and remember it for decades - he would have had to have been dialling it a lot for it to stick, I think!

Really sorry to hear about this OP. I haven’t direct experience of this, but I recommend the book The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle if you don’t want your relationship to end. She also does a podcast where lots of women talk about how her 6 skills have transformed their relationships. And even if in the end you don’t stay together for whatever reason, he’ll always be your son’s father so her advice is still worth reading.

She’s either an ex or someone he had a crush on, and finally heard she’s single.

He’s digging in his heels and shutting you out, all to protect the relationship he is developing with this woman. His determination is such that he has zero empathy for your distress.

Their messages must be quite damning, and it’s very possible that they’ve been interacting for longer than a few weeks. It feels like there’s been an escalating build-up, and he couldn’t wait for your holiday to end so he could immediately see her. There’s no telling who she really is.

@BirdieMK3, as long as you are under one roof, even in separate rooms, he is not feeling the loss of you. There are no sharp consequences of his callous disregard. I would send him away for a while, as his stonewalling presence is toxic, and you need space to process your feelings and thoughts.

No wonder the poor man wants to get off the leash.

I don’t very often post, was all ready thinking you were totally overreacting because it was a female, and I still think there is an element of that, but tbh even if it was a male friend, given the circumstances and driving 50 miles… I’d probably say it was a bit weird even if it was. My other half has a tendency to say ‘my mate’ about people he hasn’t seen since school 25 years ago and I find it amusingly weird and tell him so every time he does it!

But… it’s his behaviour since would be ringing alarm bells for me. If it was completely innocent, why wouldn’t he be trying to reassure you?
remembering the number is total BS right? although I did wonder if maybe he just happened to still had the number saved but didn’t want to admit that? I’m forever saying I need to go through my phone as I still have the maternity suite in where I had my first DD (she’s nearly 18!) I just don’t keep it updated and it carries over from phone to phone.

You're definitely not wrong to be upset, maybe it is innocent, but he’s seemingly making things very difficult for himself for no reason if so.

He doesn't seem to understand what the issue is. Red flag.
He won't let you see his phone. Red flag.
Everything is a red flag on this. Listen, anyone can have an affair...don't be a doormat. Let him know what he will lose if he has another woman or wants something else. He can have her but you and Ur son will be leaving. That's what he's playing with. Stand up to him. Don't be a woose.
Tell him you won't chase him. If he betrays you it will be over.
Be strong and read that man the riot act.
Don't let him have u chasing after him begging.

Ask about her and ask if he wants to see her again and say you’d like to go too

During the first lockdown, my DH, who had never bothered with social media and moaned about my occasional use of it, decided to have a go on FB so he could keep up with friends.
Anyway he told me that an old girlfriend had friend requested him and that he was accepting her. I didn’t think anything of it but over the weeks of lockdown he changed. Being cooped up together it was very noticeable. All the usual stuff, attached to phone etc.
Eventually I noticed him closing his phone whenever I went anywhere near him. So I accessed his FB account and found out what was going on.
No guilt since he’d asked me to set it up several years before. We have never been fb friends because we never used it much and mine is solely for keeping in touch with family.

A blossoming emotional affair was developing. I was devastated. After DH’s previous relationship had ended when his ex gf had had an affair with a close friend I always thought that he would have had more respect.
Because it was during lockdown and DH knew that a meet up was not possible he didn’t consider it to be cheating. He is now aware.
I was devastated, angry, disappointed and it caused months of stress.
DH briefly tried to deflect but very quickly realised that everything was on the line and did what he had to save our relationship.

The two things that I did within hours of finding out was to make sure he knew I’d read everything, and screen shot it, and I sent a very short message to the woman involved explaining that DH was married. She was very defensive and suggested I was over reacting to two old friends reconnecting. Then launched into a full on character assassination. I always think that if it was an innocent catch up a simple apology would have sufficed and a comment about DH not being completely transparent added for good measure.

On his fb profile he had no details and in the photos and messages he’d sent I didn’t appear or was mentioned. Another red flag.

It was almost impossible to walk out on him during lockdown, although I did disappear for a day and refused to answer my phone.

My advice is to listen to your gut feeling. I knew that something was off and I didn’t sit and stew. In fact I was like a Tasmanian devil for a few months.

Sadly the old girlfriend is not a nice woman and for nearly two years stalked DH. She lives about 25miles away and has a very historic connection with where we live but knows no one over here, but has frequented our local pubs on a regular basis. We know this because she has asked about DH. We live rurally so everyone knows everyone.
DH had a stroke 2years ago and is no longer the person he was. I am not about to walk away from him. I still love him and although life is different we are still together. Not long after the second lockdown I was diagnosed with cancer and DH was fantastic. He definitely stepped up and for a short while things were back to normal.
Our new normal is ok but I would love to go back to pre pandemic when everything really was rosy.

@Angrymum22 Thank you for sharing that. Seems like you have been through a lot. I hope you're OK.

He's definitely lying to you.

However, why didn't he pretend the friend was a male?

I have many male friends who I would love to meet up with so if one I wanted to see i would go. Nothing sexual, just old friends, even old boyfriends, would be nice to catch up. If my DH wanted to do this I wouldn't mind either. Got to trust each other. Xx

I disagree, friends you had years ago who may be in the area and would like to meet up, why not? I love my friends I've not seen for a long time so to opportunity to catch up is just that, just my opinion. X

I'm still in contact with the boyfriend I lost my virginity to during my first year at university in 1983. He and his wife have been to parties here, I've met him on his own. I've been married to dh for 36 years. Actually pretty proud that ex and I have been friends and in contact for so long.

ooh it's one of those threads where the OP submits two tiny paragraphs in 26 pages that are totally at odds with the urgency of their opening post.

I call these 'ad generators', lol.

Thankyou. We are ok. But as I said life has taken us on a different path.

I believe he is cheating. Just not an old flame and not 50 miles away. And he is about to leave. He is done hiding. I am sorry op.

I’m sorry to say that this is exactly how my ex husband was behaving after a 6 week work trip to New Zealand. Phone stuck to him - under his pillow at night, always in his hand when up, always texting. He went to that from us using each other’s phone for child monitor set up etc and having open access. Changed his PIN etc. He also was heading out with mysterious “friends” who he refused to name.

For me it was the cherry on a massive turd cake, as he was also terrible in other areas. I saw a solicitor and divorced him. I still don’t know for sure to this day who that woman was and I don’t care.

Im sorry for you because it doesn’t sound like your husband is a cock lodging abuser who contributes nothing else. So a much harder decision.

Victoriancat, why are you being so inflammatory? It’s not helpful and frankly, you come across as just mean.

When the kids are really little and new then you tend to spend a lot of time at home. As they get a bit bigger its time for you all to start finding yourselves again. Maybe he just needs to get out and speak to someone who isnt work or home and it sounds like he hasnt got a lot of other friends. I would encourage you both to find a hobby or interest or friendship that is separate from the house and work or you are just going to find one day your child grows up, moves out and you are left staring at each other with nothing to say becuase you have no other interests. Have a chat with hubby OP and see if you can both carve put an evening each to do something, i joined a lovely local yoga group in a church hall recently, friendly mums and I am crap at yoga but its a reason to get out and encourage him to find something. It sounds like he was really excited to meet up with the friend but perhaps it was more because it was a chance for him to do something that wasnt home or work and not necessarily to do with the actual person he was meeting.

@Angrymum22, I am aware of your name, but to stick with him through either his affair or stroke is to your credit. That you stuck with him through both is remarkable.

@Jeannie88, That is impressive of you. I would say as a man, I miss having women friends, but it makes sense that most women would not feel comfortable with their OH having female friends.

God, the wilful naivety of some of these responses is both extraordinary and tiresome.

She first said they go no where do nothing and he has no friends. You seem slow how do these two bits of Data make sense t9gether they simply don't. This is a wind up or something is being omitted. If you understand the racing circuit or the sport you would understand its not a one person activity. And the community is tight.