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Original poster

My husband met up with....

684 replies

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

OP posts:
Riverlee · 26/04/2024 16:26

@MyUnpopularOpinion

”More likely is that he's been chatting to someone off Tinder and wants to go and meet her in plain sight. The callous and dismissive way he's treated your very valid feelings about all this only goes to support the already very strong evidence that he's being a shady cunt.”

Probably true, hence the secretiveness.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/04/2024 16:31

@BirdieMK3

Your last post says "I don't know what to do next' or words to that effect.

What you do now is see a solicitor and find out what divorce may mean to you. It doesn't mean that 'something' is going to happen or that you have to 'do' anything, just that you're educating yourself and removing the 'what ifs'. So often our hesitation and/or fear is rooted in not knowing what the future may hold. See a solicitor, find out your 'position', and then work out your next move from a place of knowledge. Because knowledge IS power. Or at least, it gives you a good advantage.

BigAnne · 26/04/2024 16:34

Isthisreallyithopenot · 26/04/2024 13:44

👍

Show quote history

I guess they think they're so amazing that they're partners wouldn't dream of cheating on them. Lots of men would shag a barber's floor.

Tiredmama53 · 26/04/2024 16:45

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:59

I have done darling, he just can't see it from my point of view. The number thing is weird, how would he remember that?
I'm so hurt that he carried on regardless knowing I was upset about them meeting up.

Show quote history

I still remember my primary school best friends home number and I'm 31. If it was someone that he used to call or message alot and had memorised her number at some point I don't think it's that weird to remember it.

Allnormalhere · 26/04/2024 16:58

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:29

Apparently he just fancied meeting up with an old friend, they've been messaging for a few weeks...he instigated it. I knew nothing about him contacting her or their conversations until Friday. Why the secrets?? He won't show me messages??

Yeah, now it's sounding a bit suspicious. Sorry.

Mumoftwinsandasingleton · 26/04/2024 17:10

Upinthenightagain · 22/04/2024 23:34

If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck it’s a duck.
you’ll get tons of ‘cool wives’ on here saying they’d be ok with it, pleased even! I wouldn’t be. I’d be pissed off and yes he definitely fancies her. Men just don’t bother with women unless they fancy them

Finally a normal comment! I'm so surprised by all the others saying they don't care. I absolutely would. He's gone out of his way to meet up with an old friend. He mentioned she was female because he knows that what he is doing is wrong. It's an absolute no from me

Leifysmumma · 26/04/2024 17:16

I’m so sorry to read this and to hear what you’re going through and whilst it could be as innocent as he wants to make it sound, there are so many red flags in that.

  1. he hasn’t been in contact for 20 years, I believe you said no socials, so what instigated a) him reaching out to her in the first place b) this whole remembering a phone number for 20 years - they must have been very close friends for it to stick in his mind that long so I’d be questioning why she was never mentioned prior.
  2. is the pin on his phone new? My husband had an affair and a child which I knew nothing about until he was 1. The changes in his behaviour were so subtle - oh I’m going out for dinner with my friends from the gym (turns out it was one female friend who he now has a child with) and my suspicions were heightened by him starting to turn his phone over when we were sat together.
  3. his inability to see why this may be an issue for you - imo he sees it full well but doesn’t want to discuss it.
  4. to go so far out of his way to make this meeting happen - that’s not a quick I bumped into someone, thats two people putting significant effort in to make that meal happen.

I totally get where you are with wanting to keep your family together, we’ve been working through our issues for 2 years now to try and provide stability for our boys but trustwise, im not sure it will ever be there again and would be lying if I said we’d manage to fully move past it.

starlight889 · 26/04/2024 17:20

Gcsunnyside23 · 22/04/2024 23:58

So he 'remembered' her number? But not only that took a random notion to contact her but didn't mention any of it? I'd be fine with my husband meeting a female friend for lunch but not under these circumstances.

My (now ex) partner suddenly remembered an old friend’s social media accounts just after an argument. 6 weeks later I found them meeting up and sleeping together.

People do not just suddenly remember an old friend out of nowhere just to chat and catch up. There’s something going on.

grinandslothit · 26/04/2024 17:21

MyUnpopularOpinion · 26/04/2024 15:20

I can remember my childhood telephone number but that proves nothing.

How likely is it that a happily married man with a child would one day randomly think to himself "I wonder how Sandra from 20 years ago is doing? If I think hard enough I can remember her number, I'll give her a call."

Not impossible, but highly, highly unlikely. Even less likely that off the back of a random phone call from someone she knew 20 years ago, Sandra would be willing to travel 50 miles to meet for a catch up.

The whole story reeks of bull.

More likely is that he's been chatting to someone off Tinder and wants to go and meet her in plain sight. The callous and dismissive way he's treated your very valid feelings about all this only goes to support the already very strong evidence that he's being a shady cunt.

I wouldn't believe anything he told me and would demand to see those messages or he leaves.

I think this is more plausible that he has a secret Tinder account and has met someone. he needed an excuse to get away on the weekend, so he made up the story about meeting this old friend.

If it was on the up and up he would have no hesitation and letting his wife see the messages because there wouldn't be anything in the messages to be upsetting but there is, so that's why he's not doing it.

Right now, it seems to be a standoff, and I think he is hoping that she will break and just forget about it, and then he can just go and do what he wants to do.

Scorchio84 · 26/04/2024 17:29

Mavenss · 26/04/2024 14:20

..say you’re an lovely chap without saying you’re a lovely chap

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😆😆

MyUnpopularOpinion · 26/04/2024 17:31

I still remember my primary school best friends home number and I'm 31. If it was someone that he used to call or message alot and had memorised her number at some point I don't think it's that weird to remember it

There is no friend from 20 years ago. He didn't remember her number. He's lying out of his cheating arse.

Sorry OP.

DiscoBeat · 26/04/2024 17:33

We both have old friends pop up/visit the country or area after a long while, but we always meet up together. So I'd find it odd that he would go off to meet her on his own.

PastaMummy · 26/04/2024 17:38

I would be strongly suspicious he either has a child who is now reaching out to him or the mum is, or he’s got someone pregnant recently.
The last option seems less likely as you say this is all new behaviour.
Sure it could be an affair but like others have said it’s weird to tell you about it.
Affair or not, his story doesn’t add up. I would suspect he does indeed have socials that you don’t know about.

Sometimesright · 26/04/2024 17:51

Is he planning on seeing her again? Tell him you want to meet her! Any friend of his could be a possible friend to you couldn’t they? So is she also an old friend of other friends of his too?

Snowflakeslayer · 26/04/2024 17:57

BirdieMK3 · 22/04/2024 23:12

Hi everyone, I need advice please 🙏
I've been with my husband for 20 years, married for 13 and we have a 10 year old.
He has never done/ said anything to make me doubt him or be jealous...
On Friday (the day we got back from holiday) he asked I minded him meeting a friend for lunch on the Saturday (we both work saturdays) ofcourse I said I didn't mind. He then went on to tell me it was a female, someone who he grew up with, someone he's not seen or spoken to for over 20 years.
OK, so now I mind...how has this come about, why now, who is she, what have they been messaging each other....
Despite me being upset about it and not wanting him to go, he went!!!!!
He can not see why I'm so hurt, angry upset....he sees it as just meeting up with an old friend, an old friend he's not once mentioned to me in 20 years!!!
Have I overreacted?? Help me guys x

You could just ask him those questions?

Moonlightday89 · 26/04/2024 18:13

Yep you’re over reacting and yes he did the right thing in going.

Boredandbitter · 26/04/2024 18:27

Not mentioning it until the last minute is because:

A. He couldn't think of any other excuse/ alibi
or
B. Springing it at the last moment means he can get out the door quicker with less questions.

When I had affairs in the past that's what I would do. Sorry, but I did.

5YearsLeft · 26/04/2024 18:30

I’m kind of surprised by this entire thread. I don’t usually feel that threads would be “so different” if a male OP had written them, but can you imagine if a male OP said his wife usually comes straight home to me and our son and we spend all our time together and she has no friends and no social media? I imagine EVERY person here would be saying, the 20-year old friendship isn’t the main or only problem. Your significant other needs friends! Or may even be trying to escape the relationship if she feels suffocated and since she has no friends to help, she’s reaching out to someone from her past for help. I have no idea. And I’m not some “cool wife.” I’m just a regular person. I just find the slant on this very odd. Maybe your husband is cheating. Or maybe he just genuinely needs some friends. Talk to him about that. (The needing friends).

LaughingCat · 26/04/2024 18:31

Putting aside the whole ‘cool wives’ thing (seriously, we have enough shit to deal with without tearing each other down for having different viewpoints).

On the one hand,

  1. I’m shit with remembering my PIN numbers or passcodes but can remember at least seven different male friends’ phone numbers from twenty years ago. Priorities in my brain, apparently.
  2. I would have no issue with my other half suddenly talking to an old female friend, without showing me the conversations and meeting up with her. Not cool wife, I just don’t care. My other half wouldn’t be cagey about it though.
  3. Gone a long way out to see her but if it was my old best mate who I lost contact with, I’d do the same (he’s about 40 miles away but same difference). I miss him - not in a romantic way, I miss his stupid humour and sardonic take on life and the way we were always there for each other (so, his friendship).

On the other hand,

  1. Your DH has not done anything to make you feel any better about this. I would have said to my other half - you don’t know him but this is who he is, here’s some stories from our time as friends and I’d love for you to meet him too, I think you’d really like him. Your DH is being seriously cagey and defensive from your messages.
  2. You sound like you have seriously enmeshed lives. You say the ‘no friends/hobbies’ thing is just what you two are like but after a few years of this, I’d be chafing and wanting to reassert my own identity outside of the relationship. This could be what he is doing and while that’s not evidence of cheating, it is evidence that there is a serious issue that you two need to discuss.
  3. Hopefully you’ve talked it through with him right now and he’s given you some clarity ok the whole thing either way. If not, stick to your gut instinct. It’s usually right.
Thisismynewname23 · 26/04/2024 18:40

I really feel for you OP I would be so upset too, if there is nothing suspicious he would show you the phone, he’s been so unfair to you x

Jewel52 · 26/04/2024 18:47

LoopyLooooo · 22/04/2024 23:38

Ahh the old 'cool wives' misogyny. That didn't take long, did it? 🙄

Why would he ask if he can go to lunch with a friend anyway? Does he always ask your permission to see friends?

I don't mean this particular female one, I mean in general?

Except this woman isn’t a friend, she’s someone that he started messaging out of the blue after 20 years and she isn’t just down the road, he’s travelling 50 miles. And then there’s his handling of the op’s upset, just clear that seeing this woman is more important.
You’re dismissing the context that the op has given you around this to suggest she’s overly possessive when I think her reaction is rational. I’d be wondering what was in their messages…

toxic44 · 26/04/2024 18:54

He just remembered her number. So her number hasn't changed over 20 years? Why the secrecy? Could be he's in midlife crisis but more likely he's looking to revisit a past affair.

toxic44 · 26/04/2024 18:55

He just remembered her number. So her number hasn't changed over 20 years? Why the secrecy? Could be he's in midlife crisis but more likely he's looking to revisit a past affair.

OldPerson · 26/04/2024 19:17

Why wasn't the "date" made when both you and husband could go?

You don't meet up with someone after 20 years without a fair few messages being exchanged - ask to see the messages.

AllyArty · 26/04/2024 19:31

sorry but I smell a rat. It might have started as an innocent ‘oh I wonder what Jane is up to these days’ thought, something might have triggered a memory of her and he just called her, but it sounds like it’s moved up a level if he won’t let you see his phone. Sorry I don’t mean to upset you but I think if he’s done nothing wrong he should have nothing to hide.