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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

278 replies

Bunny44 · 21/04/2024 09:02

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 25/04/2024 21:06

I guess I have it in my head that he treats her much better and much more lovingly than he did me

But the first thing he did when he "properly" rekindled their relationship was to lie about the value and funding of the ring he proposed with - lied about it being valuable and lied about earning the money for it, when it was a piece of cheap tat and he got his recent ex to buy it, proportedly for his niece.

Then he went along with them both getting tattoos based on the design of the ring.

He's secretly made a farce out of the proposal and their engagement in doing so.

He lied to you and he lies to her. (And who knows what else he's lied or will lie about to her).

Xenoi24 · 25/04/2024 21:11

Bunny44 · 25/04/2024 20:38

I felt sorry for her at first but I still think it's her driving a lot of the horrible attempts to rub it in my face. Even if it isn't her she's going along with it. Doing that to a woman who is pregnant then just having given birth is pretty vile.

I broke up with someone previously because of the way he treated his children and their mum and it was a lot better than what he's done to me.

I think very low of men who abandon their children and are disrespectful to their exes. I always think how someone treats their ex says a lot about them - you have to remember it might be you one day!

Yes, I agree.

I suppose I was getting carried away based on her previous marriage.

But victims can also be abusers/perpetrators and she's definitely that here.

Her insecurity and possessiveness (and possibly fear of not being able to have another child; while you have a child by him) is making her vicious.
It's pathetic, esp. given what an utter non prize he is.

Xenoi24 · 25/04/2024 21:32

Threads on MN tend to rattle around in my head, I was thinking about his behaviour, and I honestly think there's a chance his "love" for her and apparent burning desire to get back together....was actually the excuse & motivation he gave himself to run away from a pregnancy/child.

I think he possibly latched onto that to give himself his justification/rationalisation for feeling the UK and returning to Colombia, which facilitated him having zero contact and responsibility for his child.

I think the prospect of a child can be terrifying, even to those who planned it , when it actually happens.
And that's for a non sociopath/narc - which he appears to be.

In spite of all the BS about wanting kids - I think the reality is that he was shit scared, didn't want the responsibility (and especially didn't want it in alien, rainy Britain with a woman who didn't share his chauvanist cultural values). I reckon he utterly shat himself, thought "I'm not doing this", and legged it. I think he did it before your baby was even born so he wouldn't feel any even worse/shittier about what he was doing.

He said he'd be there for you, but he left you before the baby was even born, hasn't seen them once in person, hasn't paid a penny to support them, and didn't make any effort to amend his travel plans to see his child in Mexico when his child was brought to where he'd be passing through.

He wants to believe he legged it because he needed to reunite with the love of his life, and he's telling her that, and others that ...that's the narrative,; but what people tell themselves and others about their reasons for doing things is often lies. They need a lie because they can't say to themselves, let alone others, "I don't want a child. I don't want to be a parent, I created them but I don't want that. I ran away".

You see it lots among men who use all sorts of excuses as to why they don't see kids they fathered .. the favourite one being "she wouldn't let me see them" or "she poisoned them against me" etc. But it's just excuses and lies. They don't want to be bothered. They don't want the responsibility. They don't want the "work". They don't care. They know people will disapprove so all sorts of excuses and lies and manipulations have to made.

That's why he's cavalier and disrespectful and offhand in the video calls too, possibly. He doesn't even want to be doing that ... But he probably feels like he has to in order to appear to be keeping on contact with his child. It salves his conscience, he can tell himself and others he hasn't totally abandoned his child.

(He might also have an idea that keeping contact will enable to claim a relationship for future visa applications if the US doesn't work out).

I have my doubts this great love he has for her (symbolised by a cheap tat engagement ring he's lied about, and classy matching tats) is really the main reason he fled the UK. More like an excuse to dump his gf and child, pand run. And now she's rather useful for his latest immigration attempt too.

Bunny44 · 26/04/2024 00:03

@Xenoi24 I'm not sure if that would make sense given the timeline.

Jul 2022 we meet in Colombia
Oct/Nov 2022 I visit him in Colombia
Early Dec 2022 she visits and stays with him for a week or 2. Take naked photos.
Late Dec 2022 I come to see him and we spend several weeks with his family
Mid Jan 2023 we go together to the UK. I Discover naked photos on his phone after getting suspicious. He claims it was a brief thing and meant nothing. Less than a week later I discover I'm pregnant.
Next 6 weeks involve him staying in bed a lot and being depressed and us arguing about me trying to give him the food he likes and failing and the fact I'm working full time and he does hardly anything unless I ask him. Eventually we sit down and I say I think he likes the idea of me but not the reality by the sounds of things. He says he realises he can't love me and wants to go home.
Beginning of March 2023 he goes back to Colombia and immediately proposes to his ex etc.

While I know they broke up for sure. I think he kept the door open with her yes partly for financial reasons but also he did have a softness for her which I could tell. I don't understand this thing that happened in Dec. I don't understand why he didn't just end things with me then to be with her but her visit ended with them not speaking to each other. I know this because I saw his messages in Jan - I saw that while I was visiting in Dec/Jan he sent her messages saying "I really miss you" twice, without a reply. He had a wobble about going to the UK at that time and spoke to his mum about it - I now realise it was about her but I think he decided because his ex wasn't speaking to him that he may as well go with me.

I wondered if she tried to get him to leave me then or change his plans and he wouldn't. Or he minimised our relationship and then she saw our messages or what not. Either way it ended it her refusing to speak to him and maybe he suddenly regretted it too late. I don't know the exact scenario.

Then his cousin died while he was in the UK and she reached out to him then and it all went from there and resulted in me catching him speaking to her a few times, arguments etc.

I really think his heart was already not in it by Dec but he carried on because of the novelty, prestige and economic side of moving abroad and then once he arrived it was very cold and dark, he didn't know the language, he couldn't work, he was left on his own while I was working, I couldn't cook the food the way he liked etc. Then he had another option again back in Colombia and she was sending him sexy pics while I was feeling nauseas and getting slightly fat.

I just remember feeling utterly helpless and crying all the time (which he also said he didn't like).

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/04/2024 00:24

' Mid Jan 2023 we go together to the UK '

Are you Colombian as well ?

or do you mean he came with you when you returned home to the UK ?

Inspireme2 · 26/04/2024 00:35

Xenoi24 · 21/04/2024 09:13

Loves his child but hasn't bothered to see him in person once?

That's an interesting type of love.

He sounds rather disordered.

He certainly lives his life on x4 speed, he's a "cliff diver". Id be skeptical about his marriage lasting.

Get your cm if the country he's in has reciprocal arrangements.
Try to get a reliable, responsible baby sitter so you can date etc if you want to.

You also need to have strong boundaries in place to stop him from diving in and out of your child's life, destabilising them. He sounds very rash.

Great advice.
You deserve a well-grounded functioning partner for your future.
Focus on yourself and your baby.
Leave him to his lofe but enforce the financial responsibilities and surround yourself with friends & family to pull through this.

Bunny44 · 26/04/2024 00:38

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon I'm not Colombian. He came back with me to live in the UK.

OP posts:
chocolatcha · 26/04/2024 00:51

Bunny44 · 26/04/2024 00:03

@Xenoi24 I'm not sure if that would make sense given the timeline.

Jul 2022 we meet in Colombia
Oct/Nov 2022 I visit him in Colombia
Early Dec 2022 she visits and stays with him for a week or 2. Take naked photos.
Late Dec 2022 I come to see him and we spend several weeks with his family
Mid Jan 2023 we go together to the UK. I Discover naked photos on his phone after getting suspicious. He claims it was a brief thing and meant nothing. Less than a week later I discover I'm pregnant.
Next 6 weeks involve him staying in bed a lot and being depressed and us arguing about me trying to give him the food he likes and failing and the fact I'm working full time and he does hardly anything unless I ask him. Eventually we sit down and I say I think he likes the idea of me but not the reality by the sounds of things. He says he realises he can't love me and wants to go home.
Beginning of March 2023 he goes back to Colombia and immediately proposes to his ex etc.

While I know they broke up for sure. I think he kept the door open with her yes partly for financial reasons but also he did have a softness for her which I could tell. I don't understand this thing that happened in Dec. I don't understand why he didn't just end things with me then to be with her but her visit ended with them not speaking to each other. I know this because I saw his messages in Jan - I saw that while I was visiting in Dec/Jan he sent her messages saying "I really miss you" twice, without a reply. He had a wobble about going to the UK at that time and spoke to his mum about it - I now realise it was about her but I think he decided because his ex wasn't speaking to him that he may as well go with me.

I wondered if she tried to get him to leave me then or change his plans and he wouldn't. Or he minimised our relationship and then she saw our messages or what not. Either way it ended it her refusing to speak to him and maybe he suddenly regretted it too late. I don't know the exact scenario.

Then his cousin died while he was in the UK and she reached out to him then and it all went from there and resulted in me catching him speaking to her a few times, arguments etc.

I really think his heart was already not in it by Dec but he carried on because of the novelty, prestige and economic side of moving abroad and then once he arrived it was very cold and dark, he didn't know the language, he couldn't work, he was left on his own while I was working, I couldn't cook the food the way he liked etc. Then he had another option again back in Colombia and she was sending him sexy pics while I was feeling nauseas and getting slightly fat.

I just remember feeling utterly helpless and crying all the time (which he also said he didn't like).

Edited

Why the fuck were you having unprotected sex under these circumstances?' (Obviously both of you at fault)

This was never a relationship, and it's cruel to introduce the product of this unprotected sex as some sort of messiah into your fucked up dynamic.

He's an amazing being in his own right, but don't kid yourself that FaceTimes and zooms are creating bonds with a feckless sperm donor who lives illegally in the other side of the Atlantic.

Wise up, for your kid's sake!

ChampagnePlease · 26/04/2024 00:54

He sounds like a loser. Expect nothing from him and thdn he can't disappoint you,

Focus on your baby and yourself.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/04/2024 00:56

and he would only be allowed to stay for x months ? if you are not married

but he stayed for less than 2 months ?

and it's now over a year since you were together, as he left whilst you were pregnant and hasn't seen the baby in real life.

Bunny44 · 26/04/2024 01:07

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon yes that's correct - he would have been able to stay for 6 months but the idea was that we would get married if things went well.

@chocolatcha yes you're right. There bad been some questions around fertility so I don't think either of us expected it to happen that quick. But as far as I was concerned it was a serious relationship so I think it's a bit unfair to call it a "fucked up dynamic" considering I didn't know about thd rest

OP posts:
chocolatcha · 26/04/2024 01:49

But you were only dating what, less than six months before getting pregnant (July 2022-January 2023, your timeline) that isn't smart by anybody's standards. You never really knew him at all. It's a lot to put into a co-parent relationship. I think if you are being honest you maybe wanted it to work out and are disappointed it hasn't, and that's ok. Just look forward as a single mother, and stop facilitating the FaceTimes for a man who hasn't even met his son!!!!

chocolatcha · 26/04/2024 01:56

Actually July 2022 was when you initially met, so why the hell were you deliberately pregnant so quickly?! Did you immediately demand sperm?!

Sorry but I cannot understand you acting so rashly upon meeting a man (who turned out to be a complete dick(!)) and then asking the internet for support in guilt tripping him.

Neither of you should have been having unprotected sex. The child is the innocent collateral damage in this, sympathy and focus should be on them.

Bunny44 · 26/04/2024 06:07

@chocolatcha a big part of feeling bad about this is to do with my son. I'm not sure I'd care at all if we didn't share a child who as you said he's paid no attention to.

I explained that both of us really wanted children and had discussed it a lot. Yes aware it happened quickly.

Not sure how this means I can't feel bad about him getting married to someone else quite so quickly?

OP posts:
HappyEater · 26/04/2024 07:30

Bunny44 · 26/04/2024 06:07

@chocolatcha a big part of feeling bad about this is to do with my son. I'm not sure I'd care at all if we didn't share a child who as you said he's paid no attention to.

I explained that both of us really wanted children and had discussed it a lot. Yes aware it happened quickly.

Not sure how this means I can't feel bad about him getting married to someone else quite so quickly?

Edited

I don’t think anyone means you can’t feel bad.

But a man who would want/agree to try for a baby quickly, is the same kind of man who would marry quickly.

The reason people wait isn’t because they don’t want the same things; often they do. They wait to see what kind of a person they show themselves to be in time, before they commit.

I’d concentrate on the lovely baby, rather than this loser. He’s shown you who he is.

Xenoi24 · 26/04/2024 09:09

and then asking the internet for support in guilt tripping him

I remember op's previous thread, and alongside this one; at no point has she 'asked the internet for support in guilt tripping him".

You're just being nasty.

It's obvious she's struggling with it not working out (though the timeline was far too fast, esp in the circumstances).

Xenoi24 · 26/04/2024 09:14

both of us really wanted children and had discussed it a lot.

I wrote a bit of a novel explaining why I think he was either lying or delusional or both.

No-one who really wants children would act the way he has since you fell pregnant. His priority has been himself and his relationship, not his child.

Xenoi24 · 26/04/2024 09:21

His "really want children" has the condition attached of "if I want to be with the mother".

That's not "really wanting children".

And it's not being a parent.

Bunny44 · 26/04/2024 09:22

@Xenoi24 yes you're right again

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 26/04/2024 09:32

As an aside ... Moaning at you for not cooking his favourite food for him when he was not working, while you were working full-time (and you're not Colombian so you're not familiar with making that food anyway).

Why doesn't he make his own fkg food. Especially given he has fuck all else to do and it's his cuisine??

Because that's a woman's role.. even if she's working full-time.

Yet another example of what an entitled, chauvanist, selfish, lazy, lacking in independence, ridiculous little prick he is.

But not chauvanist enough not to let women pay for things ...including the ring he proposed to his latest "partner" with.

Why are you sad that someone else is marrying this waste of space.

I hope this thread has helped you.

I also hope you move any video calls to your parents. Your Mum has his measure. They're just abusing you through them. Please don't do them yourself any further.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 26/04/2024 09:56

July 22 - March 23 = 8 months.

March 23 until today late April 24 = 13 months

  • he has been out of your relationship longer than the two of you were ever together

soon your son will be older than the length of your relationship with him.

and he's now been with her for 13 months, not counting however long he was with her previously ?

I think it's now time to harden your heart and just cut contact with him, and his family.

he is never going to meet his son, never mind support him !

Vod · 26/04/2024 10:58

Xenoi24 · 26/04/2024 09:21

His "really want children" has the condition attached of "if I want to be with the mother".

That's not "really wanting children".

And it's not being a parent.

Edited

Yep. Clearly one of those who'll only parent if he happens to be in a sexual relationship with the child's mother. What a good job he isn't on the birth certificate.

Bunny44 · 26/04/2024 11:19

@Vod but I must remember he also essentially said child rearing is a woman's job so not sure how much help he'd have been either way!

OP posts:
Bunny44 · 26/04/2024 11:29

@Xenoi24 But not chauvanist enough not to let women pay for things ...including the ring he proposed to his latest "partner" with.

This is really key - he makes out he wants to be the main provider but was perfectly happy to let me pay for everything. I thought it was maybe just with me but her cousin told me he did the same with his partner. So essentially he's emasculated by having to cook but not by womem paying for him - seems rather convinient!

When in the UK "trying to make it work" we had an argument where he said in Colombia women essentially let men handle all the money- he was suggesting I should be doing that with him. I told him I've been financially independent since 18, gradually and sensibly built up savings and assets, whereas he had shown he had no money managing knowledge whatsoever. I wasn't going to hand over control of my money to him any time soon (or ever in reality).

I even said that it sounded like it was his fault that his ex's restaurant went under.

Maybe I should of tried to be nicer to him but I'm the sort of person who says what I think usually. Although I've held back since we regained contact because I thought I should be civil for my son.

OP posts:
Xenoi24 · 26/04/2024 14:01

But a man who would want/agree to try for a baby quickly, is the same kind of man who would marry quickly.

Yep, he is a cliff diver.

He is careless, cavalier, irresponsible, selfish and flaky.

Your child is just lucky you're comfortably off and live in a welfare state.

And he'd probably have had more kids already if his current partner hadn't gotten sterilised.