Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

When in the UK "trying to make it work" we had an argument where he said in Colombia women essentially let men handle all the money- he was suggesting I should be doing that with him.

You should hand your money over to him.

Her daughters should "respect" him.

You should be cooking his favourite native dishes for him, while working full-time and while he's not working.

There's just a world of entitlement and arrogance and selfishness here isn't there.

Meanwhile this man who thinks he should be given so much respect, trust and responsibility;

• Uses you to buy a cheap proposal ring for his next gf

• After telling you he'll be there for you when you discover you're pregnant, he left the UK before the baby was even born, hasn't met them in person (including not taking an opportunity to see them, while in the same region), hasn't paid a penny towards them, and can't even do video calls without things like being naked in bed with his "fiancee".

He's now hanging on his gf's coat tails to emigrate.

He's also a cheater.

I'm not really getting how you're not getting you are very lucky that he left and lucky that he's not fucking up your child (and your life in general) in your household.

Getting sad about his latest farce ... I hope you've wised up with the help of this thread.

Oh and, mate - if you'd given him access to your finances, there's a chance he's have cleaned you out when he legged it back to Colombia.

In your first paragraph you say that you share a child, except that you really don't. He was a sperm donor, nothing more. He hasn't done anything for his child - held him, helped you financially, been there when you were in labour, hasn't even met him. He's just playing along with you on the video calls so he doesn't appear so awful to his friends and family because in reality he is the man who ran away from his pregnant girlfriend to be with another woman.

He is such an unreliable waste of space that if you keep insisting on trying to have him in your son's life he will probably only mess him around and hurt his feelings. You need to stop hoping that he is going to step up and be a father as he has no intention. Your son would be better off if you met someone new who was a decent person and could be a dad to him. Stop feeling bad that your son doesn't have an active father as this is not your fault and you can't make him want to be one. If anything, you should protect your son from his sperm donor and create a nice life for the two of you.

Also, never take your son to see this man. If he wanted contact and loved his child he would move heaven and earth to be with him and he hasn't. Stop initiating contact with him. Don't do any more calls, there is no reason for you to have any kind of relationship with him. If you don't see what he is doing on social media etc then it won't hurt you which it clearly does. You need time to move on from the relationship, so please give yourself that time. The only thing I wouldn't do is cut contact with the grandparents as they sound nice and the whole situation is very sad for them.

So if I cut contact now even though my ex wants it now suddenly, I can do that and I'm not the bad guy?

I just don't like how he talks to me. He says he only wants to talk about the baby, which to him means he doesn't even bother with asking how I am or ever asking how he can help. It's like he's extremely dismissive of me in any communication.

Wedding is today. I'm really exhausted as my baby is ill and haven't been sleeping well.

I worry about cutting contact and regretting it later because my son suddenly wants to talk to him and we don't have means etc. Or if his dad blames me for lack if contact.

There is nothing anyone here can advise is there @Bunny44 ? You are still writing about you and him. Then at the end of it all is this...
I just don't like how he talks to me. He says he only wants to talk about the baby, which to him means he doesn't even bother with asking how I am or ever asking how he can help. It's like he's extremely dismissive of me in any communication.

You rushed in to a ' relationship' with him due to desperation. You ignored how many warning signs due to desperation. You got pregnant to a man you barely knew due to desperation. You continue to cling on to any form of contact, despite the above, due to desperation.
You need to stop. At this point I don't think you are capable of doing the best by your son. You will continue on this merry-go-round until HE decides to get off.

Stop using your child as an excuse. The reason you sat on an 8 minute facetime while he and his fiance were naked in bed had nothing to do with your son. That was all for you and that is tragic.
Stop contact with him AND his family so you can move on. Block them. You need therapy. Lots and lots of therapy or you are still going to be in this exact same spot in 5 years time.
Just stop. For the sake of your baby.

*So if I cut contact now even though my ex wants it now suddenly, I can do that and I'm not the bad guy?

I just don't like how he talks to me. He says he only wants to talk about the baby, which to him means he doesn't even bother with asking how I am or ever asking how he can help. It's like he's extremely dismissive of me in any communication*

Op, no offence but why are you completely ignoring my suggestion that your parents do any further video calls.

Then noone can ever say he wasn't offered contact/communication, and you don't have to deal with him/them.

If he won't do then with your parents and child .... He doesn't want to see/interact with only his child. Because he'd jump at the chance if he really wanted interaction with the child, without communicating with you.

You can get your parents to do the video calls. If he won't do that with them, you can supply an email address which you'll check long-term, or set up a Facebook page with e.g. photos for his family to comment on/leave comments for your child etc.

There are several ways you can facilitate keeping in touch without you personally having to have any contact whatsoever with him/them.

Anyway, it's 2024 and the world is on SM etc.

I doubt you'll not be able to track him down if your child desperately wants to see him.

But I'd just offer the calls with your parents. He has absolutely no excuse not to take them..... He apparently wants to see his child but not communicate with you; do this is his perfect situation. If he doesn't take that, opportunity, you know he's not truly interested in seeing his child/having interaction.

It's clear his current partner wants to abuse you for being a woman he had a relationship with and, monumentally "worse", has a child with. It's obvious he wants to please her in that and is also darvo'ing. The calls are therefore devolving into abuse of you.

They're not good for you, and apparently he doesn't want to do them with you either; so let your parents do them.

@Xenoi24 Op, no offence but why are you completely ignoring my suggestion that your parents do any further video calls.

I'm completely on board with that but I guess I still probably have to manage the communication somewhat due to the language barrier, unless I tell them to use Google translate.

I guess I'm asking if it's normal that he literally only asks after the baby ever. I find it a bit rude or is that normal?

@Xenoi24 crossed posts. It's clear his current partner wants to abuse you for being a woman he had a relationship with and, monumentally "worse", has a child with. It's obvious he wants to please her in that and is also darvo'ing. The calls are therefore devolving into abuse of you.

Yes all good points. OK I'll message him from my mum's phone today and block him on mine letting him to organise the video call through her.

I can do that and I'm not the bad guy?

I don't think you could be the bad guy in this situation if you tried.

Let me just recap;

He cheated on you.
He lied to your face when you asked him if he had had a change of feelings/something was wring.
He continued TTC/risking pregnancy with you, even though he had cheated and did have mixed feelings.
He encouraged you to continue the pregnancy and told you he'd support you; he has not.
He got you to buy a ring to give to now fiancée under false pretences.
He left you while pregnant, even better the birth.
He immediately proposed to his ex.
He hasn't tried to see his child in person once ...including not trying to change his travel plans through Mexico, and was there within a week of you & your son
He hasn't tried to pay a penny towards his child.
He is shitty to you for communicating with his family and telling the truth (and they want the communication).
He is deeply disrespectful and inappropriate in video calls and includes his "fiancée" unnecessarily on them. They use them to taunt & abuse you.

And you are worried about being the bad guy???!!!

As I said, if you want to let him have contact and want to leave communication open, let your parents do the calls.

Or set up a FB page (in a way that you cannot be messaged). If he/she start using that page to abuse you, block them and allow only his family to access it.

If you need to in future, I'm sure you can track him down but why would you want him, with his character, to be inflicted on your child. Better to have some positive male role models.

I guess I'm asking if it's normal that he literally only asks after the baby ever. I find it a bit rude or is that normal?

It's not exactly polite, but he's choosing to act like that to demonstrate to his "fiancée" and himself that he is completely and utterly disinterested in you personally, and the contact is purely to see his child.

I wouldn't want to get into "niceties" either if I were you ....he's a piece of shit person and his fiancee is similar; he's treated you despicably. Why do you need or want civilities. You're just trying to keep a thread of contact going for your child.

Expecting him to care about how you are, or ask how he can help?

How does that fit with his character and behaviour? He may have said nice things in the past but it was pretty much all lip service. Nothing he said has anything real behind it ....not about really wanting children, not about being no longer involved with his ex, not about supporting you with the pregnancy & baby, not about who that ring was for. When you were working full-time he was lying around watching YouTube and was berating you for not cooking him Colombian food in the way he liked.
How is he the kind of person who would actually care how you are as a single Mum or want to help??

He thinks you're a comfortably off women in a welfare state (unlike him being from an impoverished family in a corrupt country that is not much past third world, and now an illegal immigrant in the US) with a house you own, rental income, a supportive family, the potential to earn well ...... And he doesn't care about how hard single parenting might be - because he's a shitty, selfish person, and because he thinks caring for a child is a woman's job, not a man's, anyway
He told you that straight, did he not.

He has also possibly told his current partner a load of shit about you, to justify dumping you pregnant...so he can't look like he thinks you're a nice person and be polite to you in front of her, can he?

(He also probably senses that you are still emotional & invested re this situation, and doesn't want to encourage you in the slightest to think he still has any feelings or there is any hope of a future reconciliation).

When I say "still has any feelings" - as far as a selfish, immature, exploitative, rash narc who sees an opportunity to get out of Colombia and be "set up" can have feelings.

Sorry just another thing to recall. When he went back initially he would randomly come off WhatsApp and his family said it was because she controlled all his comms and they complained if they spoke to him that she was always there. But occasionally he'd call me in what felt like secret. Then randomly in August last year he sent me messages saying how lovely I looked while pregnant and then how nice it was to hear my voice when we spoke on the phone. I felt really awkward about these comments/change of tune so said thanks and moved on. There was none of this after my son was born and communication got gradually more hostile.

I was later told that they almost broke up around that time.

I guess this kept it in my head that maybe it wasn't his choice to ignore me/be rude so that encouraged me to keep trying to stay in contact. Not because I wanted to get back with him but I had it in my head that he was somehow controlled/abused himself and that giving into what his partner wants.

I think the last few months plus this thread have helped me realise that I have to get that ridiculous notion out of my head and that contact like this doesn't help me or my son.

I think you also need more counselling.

And you need to move on from thinking about him, let your parents manage any contact, and get on with your life.

There are people out there you could be dating casually and hopefully building a decent relationship with someone, instead of ruminating over how this very low quality man from a culture of toxic masculinity, currently in a codependent relationship with a woman who's been battered by life and has no self esteem (otherwise she'd not have gotten back with him, and would have gone to the US on her own with just her sister and daughters) ....... is not showing you care of consideration.

*But occasionally he'd call me in what felt like secret. Then randomly in August last year he sent me messages saying how lovely I looked while pregnant and then how nice it was to hear my voice when we spoke on the phone. I felt really awkward about these comments/change of tune so said thanks and moved on. There was none of this after my son was born and communication got gradually more hostile.

I was later told that they almost broke up around that time.*

He was hedging his bets.

He apparently can't be alone.

He also sees women as meal tickets so he would've been thinking about returning to the UK and giving it another go, if he hadn't stayed with her. He just bounces from woman to woman/situation to situation.

I guess this kept it in my head that maybe it wasn't his choice to ignore me/be rude so that encouraged me to keep trying to stay in contact. Not because I wanted to get back with him but I had it in my head that he was somehow controlled/abused himself and that giving into what his partner wants.

But him being nice when they nearly broke up was proof that he chooses to be nice, or not, depending on who he thinks he needs/who he thinks is of use.

I think you've cast him as her victim.

I'd actually say that she is his victim.

I said earlier in the thread and I'll say it again; if things don't work out for him in the US with her or someone else; he will be schmoozing you again - for the opportunity to move to the UK.

He'll make out any nasty behaviour was due to her, and he'll.use the idea of being a family to manipulate you.

As it is, you still seem quite vulnerable to that manipulation.

On the practical subject of other people doing the calls and language barriers; do you know anyone who speaks Spanish who would be interested in earning a few bob by translating/facilitating the call?
Maybe a native speaker.

You might have some contacts from your trip or from learning Spanish.

Hopefully it won't be much money and it's only once a fortnight or a month or whatever.

It could be them and your Mum for example, so there are only two adults, one with baby on their knee, trying to get into frame.

@Xenoi24 actually there's a lady across the road who my parents are friendly with who speaks Spanish so that could work if needed and if she was happy to do that.

I was just going to see how the first one goes/happens.

Sounds ideal.

I hope you can get a rest/a break.

Please see this man for what he is.

When you're a nice person, you can't get your head around people like this, bug you need to, for yourself and your child's sake.

@Xenoi24 yes you're right that it's hard to get my head around his behaviour/motivations.

I just weighed myself and found I've lost nearly half a stone this week which usually means the whole thing has seriously distressed me.

But at least I've shifted the last of the baby weight 🤦🏻‍♀️.

I'm going to Spain next week so going to try and switch off and enjoy time with my parents and baby/forget everything to do with him. I will look into counselling again although if I'm honest I found it only helped a bit in the past - was more talking/listening therapy and felt like I needed guidance to stop renumerating/fixating.

Also I know it sounds like I'm always like this but actually I was feeling in a fairly good place before the wedding news. Its just knocked me/made me feel retraumatised. However that it has affected me shows I still need to work on myself.