Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

I know a lot of you are saying in the US he has no rights but I've been doing some reading and in the US undocumented migrants (illegal is offensive there apparently) can work and have access to certain things and have rights.

Do those "rights" include paying CM for any kids via reciprocal arrangements with the UK??

If he's earning there at all, he should be paying towards his child, given he has done nothing else for them to date.

He was using you for immigration reasons and chose the other women because she, through her family connections, offered him a better deal. It's that simple and that horrible. He is not worth another second of your time. You only have one life, OP, don't waste any more time on this immature, self-centered user.

I championed this theory but even I, having read ops responses, would agree that it's not just that.

He realised a relationship & household with the op - with her "British" values, in the UK, is not what he wanted, his "fiancee" does provide exactly the sort of relationship & household he wants. They share that culture and it matters.

I still do t think he'll be with her in a few years though (unless visa/financial circumstances demand it).

He's a cliff diver.
He's all in with whoever he's with, especially if they appear to be providing him with what he wants, for a while but is equally rash at getting out.

Your thread was making me think about famous men who left their pregnant girlfriends, for other women, and how it went.

I can think of three and none of them are with the women they left their pregnant girlfriends for.

Daniel Day Lewis did it to Isabel Adjani, he didn't stay with the older actress he left her for. And when he married his current wife, his girlfriend found out about it through other people. She was still living in one of his properties, thinking she was his gf.

Billy Crudup did it to Mary Louise Parker. The relationship he left her for (Claire Danes).didn't last and he's had other partners and has recently married again.

Tom Brady did it to Bridget Moynahan (she played Big's wife in SATC) for Gisele Bunchen -: they are now divorced. Not sure of the circumstances.

Its a reflection on their character. They are what some Americans call "messy". That's an understatement. It's possible they are narcs or sociopaths or have a personality disorder.

I think you need to keep this foremost in your mind.

It's painful but you have a lovely child out of it, you are not in financial straits, and you can find a decent partner in time ....which he is not.

You've lost sight of that because you bought into the dream, and because another woman was competing for him. You're inclined to think a man must have value if another woman is competing for him, but that's a fallacy. A fallacy you used to see on Jeremy Kyle regularly. Low quality men being fought over by two or more woman who couldn't get past the competition to truly evaluate the prize (and that it was fairly worthless).

She's also crackers tbh, bringing this man into her life and family, given his behaviour to date. She's very poorly adjusted and I think you need to consider that.in all this too.

Look I don't know why you are still in contact with this loser. I hear people saying " oh I want my child to know it's dad blah blah" but in this case why? He's not interested. You said he hasn't seen your child! Go it alone other than trying to pursue a money claim. Stop the contact. It's not going to bring him back. It's not any good for your child or you! Your life will get a whole load easier without all this drama.

The thing is I didn't put him on the birth certificate as I didn't want any custody issues- well that and that he wasn't there. If I fight for CM then it means I'm admitting it's his son and if we visit either the US or Colombia then potentially he could try and stop us leaving.

Stick with that. You really do not want him/them to get any parental rights.

He was lovely with my nephew when he met him and I think he would be good with his son.

Fun uncle territory.

Not a Dad.

Children expect more from their Dad, it's a totally different relationship than a seemingly cool unrelated adult man who breezes in and pays you some attention, plays with with you, and breezes out again.

He didn't even stay in the country a few months more to see his child born/meet them .... That is someone with a missing paternity gene. He hasn't looked after them once or contributed any resources; there are gorillas that are literally better fathers than him.

@AnnieSF he's not had any money or means to see him so far. We were going to fly via the US to go somewhere else last month and he agreed to meet us but then my plans changed. I doubted if he would come somewhat but who knows or it would have been both of them making a massive show of their relationship.

I def don't want him back although it would make me happier if he was at least nice to me so we could have normal contact about our son. Most of the time now it feels hostile so unpleasant for me.

I am starting to really consider about blocking him out as they both seem toxic and he's obviously a bit of a narcissist so questionable how it would be any good for my son.

One thing I would say is that his cousins said he wasn't like this before and he's changed. He had a great relationship with his family before and he described 2 of his cousins as his best friends who seemed like really decent people. He seems so angry with everyone now - I think it's because he absolutely hates been told he's in the wrong but also because of his partner.

@Xenoi24 She's also crackers tbh, bringing this man into her life and family, given his behaviour to date. She's very poorly adjusted and I think you need to consider that.inall this too.

He told me that her ex husband cheated on her a lot and when he met her in the Amazon they were still married but her EXDH was living with another woman. At the time my ex was friends with her sister and then got to know her too. They got close and then apparently she used to cry all the time about her husband and he persuaded her to leave her husband for good. They were then on and off because she was incredibly jealous and controlling and he said no matter what he did she didn't trust him. Also he really wanted his own children and had some issues with her daughters as they didn't respect him.

In some ways I feel like I've enabled their relationship as I've given him a child so that parts solved and I persuaded him that he wanted all the domisticity she offered that I didn't. Also apparently her daughters are now nice to him as they don't want their mum to be sad.

Also he really wanted his own children

What, to abandon in another country, not meet in person, not pay anything towards and only see via video calls that he makes totally inappropriate (taunting & disrespecting his child's mother, talking about breast feeding and tits, having run ins with his mad gf online when she doesn't like the convo she's supervising).

Children are supposed to be about them not you. Something he's a million miles away from understanding or appreciating.

Anyway - children.

That will rear it's head again, I'd imagine. He'll probably cheat or leave her to have more. He has his whole 30s and 40s ahead of him.

as they didn't respect him

What did he do to earn their respect?

He was involved with their mother for a while, dumped her (?), left her to emigrate to the UK, got involved in a serious relationship with another woman there, introduced her to his family ... do they know he cheated on his UK partner with her & overlapped them (?) .. got his partner in the UK pregnant, in spite of knowing he'd cheated and was not committed any longer, abandoned his pregnant now ex before the baby was even born, moved back and proposed to their mother immediately, couldn't support her/them financially and fucked up any attempt .... Has now hung on their mothers coat tails to emigrate with them.

This has all been at the speed of light, he has a 7 month old baby with an ex. What's worthy of respect about him?

Another "macho" man child who demands respect when he's not earned it/is not worthy of any.

Also apparently her daughters are now nice to him as they don't want their mum to be sad.

So their mother is making them be the adults and caretakers in the family ... Pretending to be happy with her partner, for her sake.

At the start of your thread, I thought you should extract CM out of this specimen and I understood why you wanted to try to maintain some relationship for your child but doubted the wisdom of it, given his behaviour & character.

But as the thread's expanded, I think you're entirely correct about not wanting to give him any chance of establishing any parental rights through child maintenance. You appear to be comfortable financially so it's not as bad as it could be.

It's seems fair to try to maintain minimal, civil contact with the friendly, apparently decent members of his family ..so your child can be aware of their grandmother, aunt, that side of their family etc.
But as for him and his "family" ......i honestly couldn't say it will be more positive than negative for your child. They are toxic.

(I feel sorry for her daughters but that's about it).

It's also not helping you recover and move on, as other posters have pointed out.

it would make me happier if he was at least nice to me so we could have normal contact about our son. Most of the time now it feels hostile so unpleasant for me.

You're not going to be able to make him be like that.

He's not a good person, even without having to prove to his neurotic, insecure, toxic fiancee that he's not keeping you on the hook (rather than just seeing his child).

He's being shitty because he is a shitty person.

He's also being shitty because of Darvo.

He's also being shitty because he doesn't like his family knowing what he's done & is doing, via you. He wants you nicely isolated and keeping your trap shut. You're affecting his delusional self image.

You shouldn't have to take abuse from this wanker on top of what he's done to you.

I would let your Mum or Dad do any video call with your son. Don't even say you're not doing it anymore.... Just make excuses about having something you have to attend and they're going to do this one and on and on.

Then say this is working well so you you'll continue it. Don't get into any debates with him about doing the calls. You need to learn to box smart with this fucker. He's running you around the ring and putting you on the ropes. Time to give him a taste of it and take control.

He told me that her ex husband cheated on her a lot and when he met her in the Amazon they were still married but her EXDH was living with another woman. At the time my ex was friends with her sister and then got to know her too. They got close and then apparently she used to cry all the time about her husband and he persuaded her to leave her husband for good. They were then on and off because she was incredibly jealous and controlling and he said no matter what he did she didn't trust him.

She has clearly got incredibly low self esteem and that would explain why she's hitching her wagon to a man who's behaved the way he has.

Yes all really good points. So he's said he wants a video call this weekend but wouldn't tell tme exactly when so I'm wondering how that fits in with the wedding exactly. I've decided I'll get my dad to do the call which they agreed to also I'm going to tell him I have issues with my phone and to message my dad's number instead so if he updates his picture or the like, I don't have to see it. Then I'll block him on everything else.

Then I'll see if he keeps up the communication or what and if I'm not happy with anything I'll cut it off. Think you're very right about the darvo'ing and him being a narcissist. I think he's angry because people have called him out on his behaviour.

@Xenoi24 You've lost sight of that because you bought into the dream, and because another woman was competing for him. You're inclined to think a man must have value if another woman is competing for him, but that's a fallacy. A fallacy you used to see on Jeremy Kyle regularly. Low quality men being fought over by two or more woman who couldn't get past the competition to truly evaluate the prize (and that it was fairly worthless).

I didn't know I was competing for him, if I had I would have stayed well clear, however I think subsequently it's caused me to feel that I'm missing out. He was really rubbish to me as a partner once he moved in with me. He rarely helped, complained a lot. I was trying so hard to make everything nice for him in the UK but he was constantly sulky and unhappy. He stayed in bed for a lot of the day watching youtube videos. I put it down to homesickness and later missing her. I thought in my head afterwards that he would be different with her that he was much more attentive and loving, and that made me feel sad that he couldn't love me the same way, but the truth is how can I know he's much better with her and it's not just him?

The low quality men being fought over by women is very relevant as her family member who got in touch with me was saying that I was much better off without him and that she couldn't believe 2 educated women were fighting over a man with no money and nothing to offer.

I'd just like to meet a really decent guy at some point but feels so hard. I had decent relationships in the past with good people - no idea what happened!

People get caught up in ridiculous situations because of men. It happens. I could name several famous women who have got mixed up with the wrong men. What you need to do now though is to realise how foolish you were and be smarter now.

I'm going to tell him I have issues with my phone and to message my dad's number instead so if he updates his picture or the like, I don't have to see it.

@Bunny44OP, you seem to be completely ignoring the excellent advice a lot of PP have given, which is to set up a new email address to be used for all correspondence about your DC and then block all other means of contact. This way you still leave a channel of communication open, but without torturing yourself in the process (and playing directly into his hands).

@CatFromEdinburgh sorry I should have said I considered the email option but I don't think that's very satisfactory for various reasons. Really hard to share media I.e. videos of the baby on there. Uses too much data and other things.

I'm looking at a couple of apps which don't involve me seeing his photo or other media when we speak. He already uses Telegram so considering that one.

Also I'm considering further counselling. I had some while pregnant but feel like I could do with more now.

Thank you for your reply @Bunny44 . Despite what I wrote I do feel for you. The frustration you feel IS relatable.

I guess the happy family thing has led me to stay in contact despite everything because I thought it was important that my son didn't feel like his father didn't want him.

If you continue with the type of contact you are having this is exactly how your son will feel though. The contact you have allows you to feel like you have a tiny amount of control over the situation, that is the only small benefit to it and it only benefits you. Not your son.
Stop contact with him directly and build a life for your son that makes him feel happy and secure. This is perfectly possible without a father in the picture.
With regards to his family, have they met your son? Do they treat him like part of the family? Or do they just take the easy option of messaging you for updates to alleviate their guilt? I don't see how this will benefit your child either.
All these people who factetime, message etc but can't actually be arsed to meet him and be involved with him, can you see how this will negatively affect your son?
The contact you have with him and his family only benefits you and your needs right now. The need you feel to have that connection with this man.
Book that therapy, work on you and you and your son will be just fine. Better than fine. Clinging on to the happy family that doesn't exist stops any chance you have of finding your own happiness.
Good luck.

@Iaskedyouthrice I should make it clear that the family is very poor. They absolutely do not have the funds to fly halfway across the world to see my son - they struggle to buy food and pay the bills.

I know his grandmother is desperate to see him but that would be up to me to go there and she told me that if I can't go there then my son is still part of their family wharever happens and they still love him.

Despite having little money they organised for some gifts for my son when he was born which were collected by my friend who was visiting the country and they've printed photos of him which have been put up in the family home.

My ex seems scornful of their attention on my son, apparently he said he felt like he was replaced by my son which I thought is a very odd thing to say.

I feel for my ex's mother as she's kind of lost her son and never met her grandson in all or this and is stuck in the middle of it all.

Ah shit @Bunny44 sorry had a daft moment and forgot they were in Columbia. NEVER take your child there. That would be madness. Blood is nearly always thicker than water.
The rest of my post still stands. The contact with the father benefits you, not your son. In fact the older he gets the more damaging it will become.
I hope you find the strength to cut him off completely.

@Iaskedyouthrice but yes I do need to work on myself and moving forward.

I always find planning nice things works pretty well.

One notable thing is that we went to Mexico in Jan and I suggested that my ex met us there to see his baby. He said he couldn't come but instead he went to exactly the same place as us the week before with his fiancee and then posted loads of romantic photos of them on his WhatsApp status. He claims they were just travelling through to get to the USA and he had no control of the timeline but was and I am still furious that that happened.