Ex getting married, our baby is 7 months

[Bunny44]

Help! I feel so sad. I just found out my ex is getting married next week and I feel really down about it.

For context Jan last year he was talking about us getting married and having a family together. In fact I was already pregnant but didn't know but I thought everything was falling into place. We'd both always wanted children.

Turned out he was still in contact with an ex and he broke up with me a few months later to get back to her. They got matching tattoos and got engaged immediately. He moved to another country with her and he's never met his son, who is 7 months, although we're in contact and he claims he loves him.

I guess I just feel like I've been stitched up. He sold me this dream and I really wanted and had waited to have a family unit with the right person.

I love my son so much but my ex has left me in a situation where I couldn't date or meet anyone else (well initially anyway) while he swans off and does it all with someone else. I know he's a d* but I can't help feel sad and upset at what was supposed to be and isn't.

@Bunny44 sorry, I didn't mean to sound so harsh on my comment. Just concerned that you seem to be going out of your way to facilitate contact (sending videos etc.) when it's obviously having a negative impact on you. I think in this situation you really need to consider what is best for you and your DC and having one mode of contact that you only check a few times a week might be one solution.

Thats exactly the kind of behaviour from him that will damage your son @Bunny44 . Which is why contact needs to stop. No father is better than one who is obvious about the fact he doesn't care.

Stop pining after this enormous loser and get mad instead, really angry.

He has behaved appallingly throughout. You have been under-reacting for ages.

Write a big long list of all the awful things he has done and stick it somewhere visible. He is not fit to kiss your boots.

Stop focusing on the fiancé.
‘hes changed’ since this new relationship, translates to ‘this woman is responsible for this man’s poor behaviour’ and if he ‘changed’ he can ‘change back’
whilst you think that you’re holding on to hope for him.
it doesn’t matter what his family say what his friends say, many in laws blame the wife for many things, doesn’t make it true. And Even if it is true he’s making his own decisions not to pay for his son (you say he can’t afford to, what would he have done if it was her child and they were together, he’d have to figure it out wouldn’t he, what would he have done if he was the woman in the situation and you left him with a child? Again he’d figure it out because he had no choice, he doesn’t have to though here because you will, so stop making more excuses for him)
you almost went right to his country and still didn’t think he’d make an effort. You offered to meet him in Mexico and he didn’t fancy it. He’s not sending gifts, he’s not asking or caring about the child, he’s not interested, that’s on him. They are his decisions. It doesn’t matter if she’s the worst person in the world and he’s changed since being with her. He has decided to be with her, decided to cheat on you, and has decided to abandon his son. He has decided to miss opportunities to meet his son, which tells you how much he’s arsed. He has decided to use the rare ‘time with his son’ to be naked in bed with his fiancé, asking his ex about her tits. He.does.not.care.
And you need to just stop talking about her. Stop focusing on her. Stop thinking about how he’s changed since being with her. Stop thinking about whatever she’s doing whatever his family thinks she’s doing whatever he’s doing with her. It is a waste of time. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t help your son. You’re getting caught up in all the drama of he said this she said that, they’ve told me this about my ex or said that about his fiancé. No judgement because it’s super hard not to.
but you need to step back from it.

We'd both always wanted children.

He'd always wanted children but when he got one, he chose to leave the country before they were even born, "couldn't" change his travel arrangements by a week or two to meet them in person somewhere he was travelling through, hasn't paid a penny towards them, is pissed off that his Mum has photos of them up & considers that to be usurping/replacing him, and his only contact is video calls in which he is being increasingly cavalier and disrespectful.

Hmm.

I think he 'always wanted children" because he realised you wanted them, and at that time he was with you and you were partly his meal ticket in the UK. He moved in with you and lay around watching YouTube.
He is also a typical mirrorer and love bomber.

If he was someone who really strongly wanted children, he'd not have pursued a relationship with a woman who can't have any more. And it's not like he had some nefarious plan to have kids with another woman and return to her; because he was cheating with, and got back involved with her before you even found out you were pregnant.

He's "always wanted children" but has next to nothing to do with the one he has, and is now marrying a woman he can't have more with.

He just says what women want to hear, if it's in his interests. His family member told you he's seen as someone who uses women..

I bet he's telling her he never wanted the child with you, and that he's very happy not to have any more.
But that's only because she's of use to him at this time and he's committed to her, in the meantime. How it will pan out in the long term is something else.

You are sad about the wedding and what "might have been" but no offence .. you're in cloud cuckoo land about what might have been .... It was not a long relationship, you got into cohabitation pretty soon, you got into TTC way too soon, you didn't get to know him properly for long enough to assess him as a partner and especially as a potential father. When he moved in, he acted like a lazy, entitled, disengaged teenage boy, and you made excuses for him and pandered to him. He cheated on you and kept risking pregnancy with you even after he cheated and had mixed feelings about staying with you & in the UK. He's also useless with money apparently.

He expects to be pandered to by his current partner, to be the man of the house, he expects her daughters to "respect him" ie he wants authority in their household even though he's just some bloke who dumped their Mum after 10 months, emigrated, got into a serious relationship, cheated on that woman with their Mum, left her pregnant while he legged it back to their home country and then proposed to their Mum pretty much immediately. He hasn't even met his child in person. What do they have to respect about him? They are only tolerating him because their Mum has emotionally blackmailed them into it.

So what's the fairy tale?

You are so focused on having kids and getting married and weddings, you don't look at the person. You don't look at realities.

You need to change this outlook or things may continue to not go to (your) plan.

I'd also imagine the wedding is because they think it might help their immigration application.

And because they want to formalise things and look serious etc to her family, who are supporting him in the US.

Also, because they think it will legitimise their relationship somehow...which other people may think is a joke when they realise he has a child of 7 months with another woman.

*He cheated on you and kept risking pregnancy with you even after he cheated and had mixed feelings about staying with you & in the UK.

Sorry, just to make it v clear that I didn't mean you are in any way responsible for not acting on that .. I know you didn't know and when you did suspect something was wrong/his feelings had changed and asked him, he lied to your face.

I just mean there is no "might have been" because he was (and is) shit in so many ways.

(And you were rushing in, presumably because you were putting so much pressure on yourself to settle and have kids, and had rose tinted glasses on).

His "fiancee" is only taking him because she's an (emotionally) battered single Mum whose ex husband was a serial cheat and left her for another woman.

(She also has their cultural background re pandering to men).

@Xenoi24 I think he really did want children but realised not with me after it was too late. I bet he's telling her he never wanted children with me.

His family said for a long time he loves children and wanted his own. He told me he really wanted children with her and she'd told him she'd maybe have the operation to be able to have children but he'd resigned himself that they wouldn't. The children thing came up early on and was a focus for both of us. When I found out he'd cheated I was horrified and asked him what he was thinking as I could be pregnant, and as it turned out, I was.

He said if he'd had the means he'd have had them on his own since he found women/relationships complicated.

@Xenoi24 Also, because they think it will legitimise their relationship somehow...which other people may think is a joke when they realise he has a child of 7 months with another woman.

I think I said before but someone from her family contacted me and said they know about how he left her, had a relationship with me and then left me while pregnant and were really horrified that she took him back. She tried to make it sound like he'd just been away working saving up for an engagement ring for her.

What actually happened was that the day of our first baby scan we went into a shop attached to a UK monument and he asked me to buy a ring in the shape of a crown for his neice for her birthday (obviously representing the English monarchy). At this point we were discussing him leaving, although he'd told me he wanted to try and make it work, and I looked at him and said "this better not be for x" and he got annoyed and assured me it wasn't. I bought the ring like a mug and of course he used it to propose to her. I think he hatched the plan that day to go back and propose to her to "win" her back - he obviously needed to do something big to get her to forgive the baby news. They got matching tattoos with each other's names and a crown image on as well.

This relative of hers said he let his partner believe it was made of gold and that he worked really hard to save up and buy it. In reality I bought it and it was £15. I told the relative that and hope it got back to her frankly.

His family said for a long time he loves children and wanted his own.

He has run away before his child was even born and not seen them since.

He didn't even bother to try to amend or tie down his travel plans when his child was brought to his continent, on his route - in order to see them in person for the first time.

Plenty of people have kids in relationships that don't work out but they make an effort to stay near, see, pay for, see and parent their child.

You can't/don't say "I want children, but not that one, not the one with that woman".

He hasn't got a paternal bone in his body. He hasn't got a clue.

His idea of children is probably a mini me who obeys him ... Since he thinks he should have authority over ones who aren't even his (her daughters).

So he proposed to her with a cheap tourist tat ring he got his girlfriend of the time to buy, under false pretences.

And lied about what it's made of.

That ring sort of represents the value of his feelings and commitment. It's a phony and so is he.

Matching tattoos ..very Pam and Tommy.

They make the Towie cast look classy and intelligent.

When I found out he'd cheated I was horrified and asked him what he was thinking as I could be pregnant, and as it turned out, I was.

I'm sorry to say this but I think I'd have been making an appointment with Marie Stopes.

But.. you are where you are.

You have hopefully realised that he is trash, there was never going to be a happy ever after with him, and this wedding is nothing to be sad or envious about.

She's stuck with him (for as long as it lasts), but you have the opportunity to meet someone decent for a relationship.

You also need to move any video calls to your parents. They are not acting respectfully at all in them.

@Xenoi24 And you were rushing in, presumably because you were putting so much pressure on yourself to settle and have kids, and had rose tinted glasses on).

Yes absolutely. For a bit of background, I had one long term relationship when I was younger where we almost got married. There were some issues which I decided meant we had to call things off but it was extremely hard as we really loved each other and I really liked our life together. We had planned the whole wedding and I had a dress etc. So maybe this wedding sadness isn't just about them getting married it's also being reminded yet again of not quite getting this "happy ending".

Sometimes I think I should have stayed in that relationship because everything since has been quite frankly, really shit and he was a very decent guy although there were a few issues which seem incredibly minor in comparison.

In the last 5 years I've had a series of quite unsatisfactory relationships and I think there is a trend of me tolerating too much/trying too hard to the extent that I feel like I can't remember what good looks like. So when this guy turned up promising everything, I think I was too keen. I worry about dating now and feel like I'll have issues trusting people.

That said, I've never been so happy that since having my baby. He's a very happy baby and a joy to be around. I think the wedding news has just temporarily made me sad again and reminded me of all the trauma.

He said if he'd had the means he'd have had them on his own since he found women/relationships complicated

That says it all really.

He'd too dysfunctional to have a relationship.

He is also so immature and ridiculously unrealistic and selfish about having kids.

Like he (the shittiest Dad ever to his first child) would be a good parent to a child on his own lol....

He lies on his arse watching videos all day, does he realise what babies or kids are like ? Of course not.

He's abandoned his child with you, his gf's daughter are grown up and he'd done a bit of fun uncle'ing with some kids.

He wouldn't be capable of looking after a child.
He's also pretty shit at earning money.

And how exactly does he think a child would fare without their Mum.

I don't know how many ways someone can be an idiot, but he's certainly expanding the definition.

he found women/relationships complicated

Given that he dives into them, promises the world, overlaps them, cheats and risks pregnancy with women he's cheated on/while being involved with other women .....it's not terribly surprising he finds them complicated.

I'd say the unfortunate women who got involved with him probably find them "complicated" too.

That said, I've never been so happy that since having my baby. He's a very happy baby and a joy to be around

That's lovely.

Ateotd, you really wanted kids, you have one. Any relationship can break down and you could become a single parent. You are comfortable financially, you have family backup etc.

You can date, at your leisure, if you want. And learn your lessons from your relationships to date.

@Xenoi24 I'm sorry to say this but I think I'd have been making an appointment with Marie Stopes.

I honestly had many wobbles at the beginning even when my ex was still at my house, but at the beginning, even after cheating, we tried to make it work for a bit due to the pregnancy. But by that point I was angry and distrustful and he already had one foot out the door so it was doomed really.

I have to admit, even despite the cheating, I didn't realise he wanted to go back to her at first, I thought he was just homesick and things were difficult between us. It was only right at the end before he went home that I said to him that the very least he could afford me was honesty, and he admitted at that point he was going straight back to her to see if she'd take him back (but by this point he was sure she would, as I'd overheard them on the phone a few days prior saying he loved her). It was a horrible time in my life and I told him I wasn't sure if I could continue with the pregnancy - that I couldn't cope - he said he wanted me to keep the baby and he'd be there for me, but I had many wobbles. Later he accused me of trying to blackmail him by threatening to get rid of the baby if he didn't stay but it absolutely wan't like that.

In the end I decided to go ahead, despite everything. My son has been the best part of the last year or so, even if it made moving on harder and I hope having a shit dad won't affect him at all.

I have a very loving and supportive family and lots of lovely friends so he has a very nice environment to grow up in. I have to work on myself to ensure that my feelings about the situation don't affect him. I've felt bad about past situations and have moved on so hopefully this will be no different.

@Bunny44

'I have a very loving and supportive family and lots of lovely friends '

So now Move on, you know far too much about him / his family / her / her children etc etc

they are in the past. leave them there. he has gone

he is not coming back

and YOU would not have him back.

Cut back on all this ' contact ' between baby and him, baby is 7 months old ! baby has no idea what all this facetiming etc. is about.

Baby is unlikely to ever meet daddy, never mind have any relationship with him

this man doesn't even recognise baby financially - not a single penny

stop being so involved with his family, her family / her friends you owe them nothing.

a Birthday ( Baby's not his ! ) and Christmas email with a photo attached will suffice, it is more than he deserves.

Then raise your bar, much much much higher than before,
as any new boyfriends that turn into partners will turn into step daddies and you need to be really really fussy when it comes to that

so fussy that step daddy is step daddy singular not plural !

as I'd overheard them on the phone a few days prior saying he loved her

He left her, cliff dived into another relationship, planned a baby within that, made her an accessory to cheating, then proposed to her with a tacky tourist souvenir ring that he got his girlfriend to buy, by lying and saying it was for his niece .... He told her it was expensive and that he worked for ages to buy it.

In reality it's worth £15, he didn't even spend that £15, and he actually lay around watching YouTube videos in his British girlfriend's house.

He rekindled their relationship and lied to her from the beginning.

She's got a bit of tourist tat on her finger and thinks it's a valuable ring. She's got a tattoo copying the tourist tat and so has he. The thing that symbolises their reunion, love and commitment is a phony. He knows it's a phony, and he knows he got another partner of his to buy it, under false pretences.

How valuable do you think his "love" is?

He literally can't stop lying for a minute, even when he's supposedly rekindling a relationship with the woman he "loves".

This guy is possibly a sociopath. I don't know what he is but you have dodged a bullet and you need to protect your child against him.

The more info you give, the less I understand why you're sad about the wedding, are you not cringing for her?

She sounds like a bitch and crazy, but I'm actually starting to feel sorry for her ... She's been repeatedly cheated on, the left by her first husband, now she's marrying this.

@Xenoi24 I guess I have it in my head that he treats her much better and much more lovingly than he did me. Hearing him say "te quiero mi amor" to her when I was pregnant with his child set the baseline for that way of thinking.

Thanks for all your responses by the way. Its genuinely helping me a lot.

I'm not really able to talk about it at home as my parents just hate him and just want me to forget he ever existed. My mum takes it as a slight against her if I seem upset about it as my parents have done so much for me. I understand but I find not being able to talk it through makes it harder to move on somehow.

I'm sure at some point I'll care not at all or very little. But it all feels somewhat raw again now.

I felt sorry for her at first but I still think it's her driving a lot of the horrible attempts to rub it in my face. Even if it isn't her she's going along with it. Doing that to a woman who is pregnant then just having given birth is pretty vile.

I broke up with someone previously because of the way he treated his children and their mum and it was a lot better than what he's done to me.

I think very low of men who abandon their children and are disrespectful to their exes. I always think how someone treats their ex says a lot about them - you have to remember it might be you one day!