Husband rang my parents during argument to get me to drop it

[SabrinaLina]

The other night, I raised something with my husband that had been troubling me. It was about the way he had treated my parents recently - I thought he had been unreasonable and unkind (I won't go into details here). I had tried to discuss it with him a couple of times before, but he shut it down.

Soon into the conversation, he got annoyed and said I should drop it. He then said it is because he works hard at his job that we can pay the mortgage, so I shouldn't be hassling him about it (fwiw, I do pay a share of the mortgage, but less than him because he earns a lot more).

I said I wanted to talk about the incident with my parents because it had upset me, and so that it doesn't happen again. He then said that if I didn't drop it, he would phone my Dad right now and ask him what he thinks - which he knew I would be mortified about (this also seemed like an odd tactic, because if my dad knew about the issue, it would reflect badly on my husband). He started ringing my parents' phone, and held the phone up to my face to show me it was ringing. I said 'OK I'll leave the room', and he hung up (before anyone answered).

Please tell me, does anyone else's partners act like this when they want you to drop something?

Perhaps listen when he said drop it instead of pushing. If your parents have any issues with your husband, they can address him directly.

Really? She should be able to discuss something that has upset her.

Does he behave like this in respect of other things? Does he think what he says goes because he earns more?

Yeah no.

An adult in a relationship should be able to raise a concern that is important to them, have it listened to and for the pair of them to be able to handle minor conflict.

OP, he shut you down, and when you persevered he escalated in a way that he knew you wouldn't want and would make things awkward with your parents. He presumably did these things to avoid being held accountable for his own poor behaviour.

How did he mistreat your parents without their knowledge?

he often brings his high salary into arguments.

In what way is his high salary relevant to your arguments?

This is ridiculous, is he five years old? I’m telling on youuuu.

On a serious note, I’m guessing you have kids and look after them reducing your ability to earn more and no doubt look after the house. If not, anyway he has no right to lay down the law because of income. His actions shut down your ability to clear the air and whatever it was about will no doubt fester and cause resentment. As much as men don’t like in depth conversations when they are wrong, they do sort things out.

Part of me wonders, if DH was complaining to you repeatedly about a slight on his mother, you rang her to discuss it, and he ran away, would reactions be similar?

Arsehole alert. First clue: treatment of your parents. Second clue: the phone thing.
Let me guess, it’s not the only arsehole thing he’s done?

It’s not easy to say much as it’s all vague and, of course, depends on details.

For eg - if this is a common situation and you feel unable to bring anything up - then it is a bad sign. And you are not being treated fairly.

However - if this is an unusual disagreement for you as a couple - then it is possible that it is a difference of opinions that is at play.
You did say you already brought it up a fee times and he dis not agree with your perspective. What was the purpose of bringing it up again? Why was he going to agree with you this time?
I think it became a battle of wills between the two of you rather than being any sort of constructive communication aimed at resolving your disagreement.

Also - If it was about your opinion that Action X being disrespectful to your parents, while he did not think it was - asking the actual parents as a way of settling the disagreement is not wrong.

This reads like you're trying to discuss something with a school aged kid. Why doesn't he just put his fingers in his ears and yell 'lalalala - I can't hear you!!'

He's demonstrating unwillingness or lack of ability to use entry-level relationship skills - listening to your partner, and being able to reflect on how your behaviour affects other people.

It is really concerning that he expects you to be grateful for the basic sharing of costs based on earnings, and thinks this gives him some entitlements over you.

Because he has essentially told you that he considers earning more gives him more say in the relationship, you should seriously consider taking steps to increase your financial independence so you can walk out the door permanently if you need. This might give you some leverage and encourage him to behave himself. Sadly some people will take advantage when they can see their partner doesn't have the easy possibility of leaving.

He's treating you like a child, telling you when you can and can't talk about something. He doesn't seem like a kind supportive husband tbh

It is really concerning that he expects you to be grateful for the basic sharing of costs based on earnings, and thinks this gives him some entitlements over you.

Yep, I agree.

Your dh does sound immature in his responses and my dh always outearned me but never used that fact in any discussion ever.

However your raising of this niggle reminds me of my dsis. She is like a dog with a bone and will never let anything go. If you regularly dissect every little thing then you must be very annoying to live with.

So without knowing you both your dh sounds unkind and you sound exhausting.

Calling and hanging up- emotional manipulation. Telling you you have no right to an opinion because he pays more of the mortgage- financial abuse. This relationship has red flags adorning it.

He’s coming across like a bullying, controlling arsehole in two respects. The refusal to discuss something and the threat of calling parents but the salary/mortgage comment. Seems like he thinks his higher salary means he’s in charge of you. I would not like that at all.

He sounds like a dick.

Sounds like he resents you, he earns a higher salary, perhaps is stressed and you are having a go at him, mat be how he sees it. He shouldn't have escalated it like he did. Without knowing details of what he did, it's hard to tell if you are equally making a mountain from a molehill. That said you should feel heard and listened to in your relationship

He likely thinks that is his contribution snd as such he co tributes more than op as money has more value than anything else to him

Why are you arguing about perceived disrespect? I think talk to you're parents first, to see if your correct.

Yea op do as you're told 🤣🤣🤣

Fuck that.

And here come the "you sound exhausting" comments because you have the audacity to want to talk about something bothering you.

When will us women learn eh? If our men don't want to discuss something we should just drop it, they are more important and don't have time for chats about relationship concerns 🙄

So you were upset on your parents' behalf, you kept pushing, and then felt it unreasonable when he actually suggested going to the source to get them to weigh in?

He sounds controlling and unable to take any criticism. He earns lots of money and pays a bigger percentage of the household costs, so he thinks that means he can opt out of adult conversations, put you back in your box if you dare to complain about anything, he is the King and you must bow down to him. It’s just not how it should work.

If you have a concern you want to talk about, he should be able to respectfully listen to you and then calmly discuss it if he has a different opinion to you. Not refuse to talk about it and shut you down.

Earning more money doesn’t earn you the superior partner badge. You are still equal partners whatever your salary.