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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband rang my parents during argument to get me to drop it

207 replies

SabrinaLina · 19/04/2024 00:29

The other night, I raised something with my husband that had been troubling me. It was about the way he had treated my parents recently - I thought he had been unreasonable and unkind (I won't go into details here). I had tried to discuss it with him a couple of times before, but he shut it down.

Soon into the conversation, he got annoyed and said I should drop it. He then said it is because he works hard at his job that we can pay the mortgage, so I shouldn't be hassling him about it (fwiw, I do pay a share of the mortgage, but less than him because he earns a lot more).

I said I wanted to talk about the incident with my parents because it had upset me, and so that it doesn't happen again. He then said that if I didn't drop it, he would phone my Dad right now and ask him what he thinks - which he knew I would be mortified about (this also seemed like an odd tactic, because if my dad knew about the issue, it would reflect badly on my husband). He started ringing my parents' phone, and held the phone up to my face to show me it was ringing. I said 'OK I'll leave the room', and he hung up (before anyone answered).

Please tell me, does anyone else's partners act like this when they want you to drop something?

OP posts:
alrightluv · 22/04/2024 15:08

Omg he's awful. I really feel for you.

Golftennis · 22/04/2024 15:08

are you or both asian? there seems to be a theme about your parents and how they remain in your life after marriage.

can't you ask them to move closer so they don't have a 7 hour drive? something is odd here.

BronwenTheBrave · 22/04/2024 15:12

Red flags. Run for hills. Ring fence finances. Solicitor. Deserve better. Vagina clamp shut. Etc etc

desperatedaysareover · 22/04/2024 15:13

Can you talk to your parents about this? Specifically the using them to shame you tactic? If he did this with mine they’d be like ? and think he was walloper. He sounds like a bully. What would happen if you called his bluff?

Nettie1964 · 22/04/2024 15:20

SabrinaLina · 22/04/2024 15:03

The pretend phone call was such an odd thing to do.

A few weeks ago he did a similar thing - we had argued, he said he'd ring my dad to ask what he thought, then he walked in to room talking to him on the phone (when he hadn't actually rang so he wasn't talking to anyone).

I was mortified and panicked, and after I realised he was pretending, I told him that was a really mean thing to do.

This guy is in his early 40s.

OMG. He's definitely a narcissist or mentally ill. Pretend phone call.......not normal. Sorry but I would laugh. He's just controlling you. Using any means possible.

ShortRun · 22/04/2024 15:23

I'm so sorry you are being subjected to people who think your views aren't valid. I've been in a marriage where my husband was as you have described your husband. There's so much wrong with his behaviour here. Marriage is about partnership, why would he bring up his salary, this issue has nothing to do with salary or his job and how stressful it might be ( what I used to get shit down with) a high salary or more contribution doesn't give you a pass to be a horrible or rude person. So if we looks tbit from the other point of view ,let's say he wasn't rude and you're "being over the top" surely in a marriage you should be able to discuss this, see each others points and come out with a plan of how not get here again, even if your view is waaaayyyy over the top, you don't need to be made to feel less than because of it. That's just mean. Thirdly calling your parents is just immature, getting others involved is just a shaming tactic, if YOU were immature you would have shamed him in front of your parents but you didn't, instead you brought it up in private. Men aren't all the same and sometimes they need help to mature ( on husband no2 and final hopefully 🤣🤣🤣) and sometimes they can't be helped at all ( hence my first ended in divorce) . You're right to wonder if you were being unreasonablybtreated because you know in your gut you were. Xx

Whatifthehokeycokey · 22/04/2024 15:26

SabrinaLina · 22/04/2024 15:03

The pretend phone call was such an odd thing to do.

A few weeks ago he did a similar thing - we had argued, he said he'd ring my dad to ask what he thought, then he walked in to room talking to him on the phone (when he hadn't actually rang so he wasn't talking to anyone).

I was mortified and panicked, and after I realised he was pretending, I told him that was a really mean thing to do.

This guy is in his early 40s.

then he walked in to room talking to him on the phone (when he hadn't actually rang so he wasn't talking to anyone)

Horrible, controlling bully. Ridiculous behaviour.

ShortRun · 22/04/2024 15:26

Well said!!! Bin is the best place! I had one who displayed these behaviours, happy to take but not give back. Awfully selfish!

squirrelnutkin10 · 22/04/2024 15:34

Op he is gaslighting you, he is a bully and he is manipulative and abusive.
The endless comments about his high salary are unkind and shows contempt for you.....please get out of this relationship.

Imbusytodaysorry · 22/04/2024 15:34

Here we are and yet another narcassist . Manipulator bully. If he doesn’t get his own way he goes off and turns everyone against you making you look like the bed guy.

OP if you can’t talk to your dh who can you talk too.
He doesn't care how you feel it’s all about him and always will be . How dare you question him .

Bets leave now it’s not going to get better .

PennyPugwash · 22/04/2024 15:39

Sounds like a first class bully

AlwaysNonStop · 22/04/2024 15:44

SwanSong1 · 19/04/2024 00:32

Perhaps listen when he said drop it instead of pushing. If your parents have any issues with your husband, they can address him directly.

WHAT?!?!?!?
This isn’t the 1800s. She doesn’t NEED to listen to anything! If she wants to have a discussion with her husband about something that has upset her then she should be able to without worrying he’ll phone her parents and embarrass her!

That’s manipulative AF. You might “listen” (read, be FORCED) to drop something when you’re told to but it’s not normal behaviour. If this is your relationship then that’s fine, you’ve chosen that and accept that kind of behaviour, but don’t tell other women to accept the same abusive behaviour.

HarrietSpying · 22/04/2024 15:50

Oh OP, he has done a number on you. He sounds awful and controlling. Can you think of any redeeming qualities because they’re not apparent from your posts? Sound like you have a good relationship with your parents. I echo the smart advice from others to run for the hills. You’re young, life is short, you will be happier without him and you deserve so much more.

fungipie · 22/04/2024 15:52

SwanSong1 · 19/04/2024 00:32

Perhaps listen when he said drop it instead of pushing. If your parents have any issues with your husband, they can address him directly.

Wow, just wow! Just incredible reply.

Begsthequestion · 22/04/2024 15:55

If he does the phone thing again, let him call and speak to them. If he's right, it'll put an end to it, won't it. He won't do it though. He's only saying he will to frighten you into shutting up.

Iaskedyouthrice · 22/04/2024 15:57

Stop panicking and tell him to go ahead. Take that little bit of joy he gets away from him. If he does ring anyone you know they will think he's a lunatic right?

Iaskedyouthrice · 22/04/2024 15:58

Golftennis · 22/04/2024 15:08

are you or both asian? there seems to be a theme about your parents and how they remain in your life after marriage.

can't you ask them to move closer so they don't have a 7 hour drive? something is odd here.

What the fuck?

GabriellaMontez · 22/04/2024 16:04

Oh I remember the original thread and the follow up. They were both horrific. You were advised repeatedly that this man is a prize twat.

You can't figure him out, understand, or change him. He's just a wanker.

Stop wasting your life trying to fix him.

SabrinaLina · 22/04/2024 16:07

Iaskedyouthrice · 22/04/2024 15:57

Stop panicking and tell him to go ahead. Take that little bit of joy he gets away from him. If he does ring anyone you know they will think he's a lunatic right?

Yes, they will think a lot less of him, particularly if I join the call and explain it properly. They'll also think he's being really odd.

You, and others , are right - if he does it again, I'll call his bluff and let him call them. Rather than panicking.

OP posts:
Iaskedyouthrice · 22/04/2024 16:12

Best way @SabrinaLina you may find he tries it again sooner rather than later due to you reacting like you did. He will have enjoyed that. He sounds like a nobhead. Do whatever you need to do to ensure you don't have to spend the rest of your life with this prick. If that means keeping your head down until the time is right so be it.

Heidi75 · 22/04/2024 16:23

SwanSong1 · 19/04/2024 00:32

Perhaps listen when he said drop it instead of pushing. If your parents have any issues with your husband, they can address him directly.

Are you serious?!?!? She should just be a good little wife and drop it because he says so! Wow!

Heidi75 · 22/04/2024 16:24

SabrinaLina · 19/04/2024 00:29

The other night, I raised something with my husband that had been troubling me. It was about the way he had treated my parents recently - I thought he had been unreasonable and unkind (I won't go into details here). I had tried to discuss it with him a couple of times before, but he shut it down.

Soon into the conversation, he got annoyed and said I should drop it. He then said it is because he works hard at his job that we can pay the mortgage, so I shouldn't be hassling him about it (fwiw, I do pay a share of the mortgage, but less than him because he earns a lot more).

I said I wanted to talk about the incident with my parents because it had upset me, and so that it doesn't happen again. He then said that if I didn't drop it, he would phone my Dad right now and ask him what he thinks - which he knew I would be mortified about (this also seemed like an odd tactic, because if my dad knew about the issue, it would reflect badly on my husband). He started ringing my parents' phone, and held the phone up to my face to show me it was ringing. I said 'OK I'll leave the room', and he hung up (before anyone answered).

Please tell me, does anyone else's partners act like this when they want you to drop something?

You deserve better. His behavior is awful.

RandomForest · 22/04/2024 16:36

He tried to shame you into behaving.

It really isn't a safe envioroment for you if he tries to control the people and the narrative arround you.

He doesn't have your back.

TheBestEverMouse · 22/04/2024 16:38

My ex did something similar purely just to control and humiliate me. I love the PP story where she got in first and everyone thought he was a prick. I wish I'd had the courage to do that. Or the sage words of MNetters to tell me to call his bluff as it will make him look worse than you.

He strikes me as being a controlling arsehole and his behaviour is definitely not normal and you shouldn't put up with it.

Wornoutlady · 22/04/2024 16:39

OP this situation sounds toxic all round. He behaves badly, refuses to acknowledge it, won't communicate about it, then behaves worse in an effort to humiliate you into being quiet. Bullying and coercive. Do you have kids yet? I would think a significant change (via couples therapy?) would be needed before I'd consider having kids with this kind of person.

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