Husband rang my parents during argument to get me to drop it

[SabrinaLina]

The other night, I raised something with my husband that had been troubling me. It was about the way he had treated my parents recently - I thought he had been unreasonable and unkind (I won't go into details here). I had tried to discuss it with him a couple of times before, but he shut it down.

Soon into the conversation, he got annoyed and said I should drop it. He then said it is because he works hard at his job that we can pay the mortgage, so I shouldn't be hassling him about it (fwiw, I do pay a share of the mortgage, but less than him because he earns a lot more).

I said I wanted to talk about the incident with my parents because it had upset me, and so that it doesn't happen again. He then said that if I didn't drop it, he would phone my Dad right now and ask him what he thinks - which he knew I would be mortified about (this also seemed like an odd tactic, because if my dad knew about the issue, it would reflect badly on my husband). He started ringing my parents' phone, and held the phone up to my face to show me it was ringing. I said 'OK I'll leave the room', and he hung up (before anyone answered).

Please tell me, does anyone else's partners act like this when they want you to drop something?

It's like he thinks that both himself and your actual parents are somehow 'in charge' of you ??

So when you weren't 'doing what you were told', he threatened to 'tell on you' !

WTAF ??

Instead of recognizing that you were upset and that you wanted to discuss his actions with your parents, he tried to 'shut you down' by threatening to involve your parents directly.

Personally, I'd have stood my ground and actually started to discuss my thoughts and feelings about what had happened with my parents on speaker !
'Hi Dad, we're just phoning so that DH can explain to you why he did/said ....... because I've told him it was rude/unacceptable, but he wants me to shut up about it, so he decided to phone you.'

Give the arrogant prick nowhere to fucking turn ! Nail his fucking unacceptable behaviour every, single, bloody time !

Oh, and I'd also be slipping in things (in front of parents/friends/siblings) like 'Oh, I don't know if I remembered to thank you profusely for your extraordinary financial contribution again this month DH ! My sincere apologies for not being appreciative enough ! But then again, I don't think you've EVER thanked ME for MY extraordinary contribution as private chef /launderess /personal shopper/ childminder / house cleaner/ teacher/ personal administrator/ personal shopper/ chauffeur/ social secretaryand social event planner/ after school, birthday and Xmas activity planner , shopper and organizer/ personal travel agent and personal valet......

Blimey you really are determined to twist everything and make this all the OP's fault, aren't you?

Why is that?

That's a great story, @MothralovesGojira - and it sounds like your family all had your back.

Because like everybody else in this thread, I'm making an assumption from the limited information posted.

Unlike everybody else in this thread however, I recognise the limitations in my conclusions.

Thank you all. I appreciate the kind replies. It's helpful to have it confirmed that his behaviour isn't normal, because deep down I think I know it's not.

Some of you have asked what the issue was with the way he had treated my parents, that I brought up the other day. I have posted about it before under another username so I realise this may bore people and apologies (I got lots of good advice on that thread, which I'm still working through) - but I'll summarise it for context:

Basically, my parents were coming to stay for a weekend. I had suggested a couple of weekends in Jan to them as options (which I had run past my husband first), but the dates weren't very convenient for them and they asked if a weekend in Feb would work instead.

In January, I said:
'I would like to accommodate them and offer them alternative dates, because they have a 7 hour drive, they're in their 70s, and they are coming to help us with DIY in our new house. If we offer them another weekend, they will have more time either side to make the most of their journey and not have to rush back, so they can see some friends en route.'

My husband said:
'No, no other weekend suits me'

But during all of Feb and March he had no plans on the weekends, so there was no reason at all for him to refuse. He just seemed annoyed that they had asked for an alternative weekend.

It still bothers me now because there was absolutely no reason for him to refuse to be flexible, and he has never been sorry about it.

(prior to this, he had been difficult about other aspects of my parents' visit, which I posted about - but it was the incident above which I brought up the other day).

And I should mention that I offered them a weekend that suited them anyway - I would never not - but I had to fight with my husband about it.

You agreed multiple dates with him for your parents to visit, they were awkward and said no. Alternative dates didn't suit him but you imposed upon him regardless, now you spend weeks and weeks treating him as the guilty party?

Wow. I can see why you held off on details until the hivemind agreed with you.

He sounds like a selfish, controlling dick.

No - alternative dates did suit him, he just didn't want to accommodate them. Which most people would, a) because they're my parents and b) because they were driving all the way down to bring furniture and help us with DIY jobs.

HTF were they awkward? The initial dates didn't suit them and then he made himself unavailable for an entire month!

My DH is far from perfect, but I never had to have his permission to invite my parents!

Shite!

@mrsdineen2 have you read the other thread?

Ah, I remember your previous threads. You definitely left out a few details that might make him sound more reasonable, iirc you were trying to bring them down for a five day weekend on a busy weekend for him? And want them to visit for a long weekend every month or two? And you wouldn't accept that his approach is not just a different preference towards guests but somehow 'wrong'.

If my partner kept raising an issue endlessly that we had discussed to death, I'd probably shut it down similarly to your husband. At some point, you need to let it go.

Phoning your parents is manipulative, gaslighting. Him asking you to drop it is fine, but only if he gives you an indication of when a good time to discuss will be.

Im pretty sure I remember this poster from similar comments on that thread. She certainly has a bone to pick with OP. While I don't think it was all one sided the DHs treatment of two people who are not only OPs parents, but also were coming to help with DIY really wasn't good. Im not sure though what can be gained by talking about it more though, he's never going to change his opinion on her parents visiting or behave more kindly towards them. Maybe OP should start taking a semi regular weekend off to visit them instead.

Your husband was bullying you and trying to make you shut up. Firstly by playing the 'I earn more than you ' card and secondly by threatening to ring your parents as he knew this would upset you.

And it worked. He was fine with inconveniencing your parents and he's fine with upsetting you.

He considers himself to be more important than you because he earns more. And therefore his needs/wants out rank yours.

@mrsdineen2 is the op’s husband….

Why ask him if he’s not allowed to say no

Just a bullying tactic. What exactly do you think he would have said to your parents had you not left the room? Fuck all I suspect. He was just trying to manipulate you into dropping it. Seriously consider this relationship OP.

Your h is a selfish, controlling bully. You were told this on your previous thread. He is VU.

Are you going to stay with him?

So he is effectively saying you don't have a right to raise any issues with him because he pays more of the mortgage? What a cock.

These threads are all the same. A poster drip feeds then tells us more which then implicates them in demanding to get their way. Demanding being the prerogative.
Then the man-haters arrive to attempt to disrupt the relationship.

Waving a phone in your face threatening to call your parents is extraordinary behaviour.

He clearly thinks he's the boss of you and your household.

That's not good.

A person's value is not measured by their salary. Only an arsehole thinks like that.

Do you like your husband or do you feel yourself stuck in a shitty marriage?

The important thing is his controlling communication style and using her concern for her family against her. He did the phone call thing to shut her down. The salary thing adds context: he thinks he is the important one because he earns more. Again, more cues about his controlling manner. Most of us don’t need to know the reason for the argument, we can see what is going on from the scenario the OP shared. Most women have experienced this sort of behaviour if not directly, then vicariously via other female family and friends.

I remember your other threads and thought this was probably you before you confirmed it. I thought he was a bastard then and he sounds even worse now. I hope you are going to do something to get him out of your life.