Husband rang my parents during argument to get me to drop it

[SabrinaLina]

The other night, I raised something with my husband that had been troubling me. It was about the way he had treated my parents recently - I thought he had been unreasonable and unkind (I won't go into details here). I had tried to discuss it with him a couple of times before, but he shut it down.

Soon into the conversation, he got annoyed and said I should drop it. He then said it is because he works hard at his job that we can pay the mortgage, so I shouldn't be hassling him about it (fwiw, I do pay a share of the mortgage, but less than him because he earns a lot more).

I said I wanted to talk about the incident with my parents because it had upset me, and so that it doesn't happen again. He then said that if I didn't drop it, he would phone my Dad right now and ask him what he thinks - which he knew I would be mortified about (this also seemed like an odd tactic, because if my dad knew about the issue, it would reflect badly on my husband). He started ringing my parents' phone, and held the phone up to my face to show me it was ringing. I said 'OK I'll leave the room', and he hung up (before anyone answered).

Please tell me, does anyone else's partners act like this when they want you to drop something?

You should check your own post, autocue? I think you mean autocorrect, they are completely different things, how embarrassing for you.

You know there's nothing he could say that anyone who loves/cares about would think badly of you for?

Your husband is a gaslighting narcissist.
You should be able to have a healthy conversation about what upsets you, especially treatment of parents (this is something that would upset me), and he should want to sort it out to not cause further upset.

His behaviour speaks volumes of a petulant child trying to be in control.

When you start a sentence with "why" you end it with a question mark. Also, it is autocorrect.

Why on earth are you with this guy? He’s a bully, stopping you inviting your parents. What would happen if you said ‘Tough, they’re coming’? Do his parents ever visit? Why are you with this idiot?

A man who actively wants his wife's parents to think badly of her.

If he loved you he would not do this.

Dreadful.

OP, think very hard about why it is you're panicking. Panic is a very specific emotion, usually associated with extremely stressful or unsafe situations.

This is a very familiar feeling to anyone who has been in a controlling relationship. And these are often 'boiled frog' scenarios where you've been taught that not centering his needs at all times can have unwelcome consequences, all of them forms of punishment (tantrums, anger, acting out, sulks, silent treatment, spitefulness, withholding affection). His behaviour is normalised, so becomes very difficult to identify and label as abuse (especially because acknowledging this reality can also engender feelings of shame in the victim).

Your husband sounds like a manipulative, narcissistic prick who's training you to be so anxious about his escalations that you will immediately back down and he can therefore remain in total control. Because what would actually happen if he'd spoken to your dad? Nothing that could possibly mean your parents would think any less of you.

Please don't find ways of minimising this, OP. You're posting about because you know it's not normal and it's not right.

I've read some of the responses on here, and I'm convinced there are some massive trolls that just get a kick out of blaming people for their husbands/boyfriends/partners disgusting behaviours, and make excuses for them. A lot of you are likely men or absolute pathetic women.

And most of you haven't even bothered reading OP's post properly and your responses back this up.

OP, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Your husband sounds like a dickhead. I come from an ethnic background and we were always taught to treat parents with respect, something I want to instil in my children. If my OH treated my parents like this I'd tell him to get lost! I love my parents and can't imagine them being treated poorly by a partner.

Your DH's behaviour isn't normal. He should have the decency and respect to accommodate them, given he had the capacity to do so in Feb. They are his in-laws!

If he's refusing to have a conversation about this or hear you out as to why you're upset, I'd seriously question a future with him. He has shown no respect to either you or your parents. This is one thing, I can't imagine how many other things there are. He sounds exactly like a controlling narcissist who wants only his own way and won't accept anything else. That's an impossible relationship to sustain, not to mention immensely unhealthy.

He sound abusive and controlling

@SabrinaLina

He is using his greater earnings power play than yourself as a more than convient tool 🔧 to say i have obviously 🙄 a greater say in things that happen in this household,

"I should have greater call of the shots and you stay in your lane,"

He knows what he is doing
He knows it makes you feel arkward and uncomfortable and puts you on back pedal,

You can't have a grown up discussion on how you feel,

But i bet if he was a bit upset 😡 or bit pissed 🤔 off he definitely want you to find the space in the day as soon as possible to clear the air or talk at you to put you straight in your place..
No qualms..

Sounds like my exdh. Run now and don't waste 30 plus years on him!
I am unable to have any sort if conversation with him as he just turns everything around and knows I hate being put on the spot. In my opinion 2 people should be able to have a conversation about anything even if they can't agree on something. Even today he got off the settee and lost his balance a little and grabbed my knee. It hurt me and I told him - he laughed at me and told me to f off. I told him I knew he didn't mean to hurt me but he should still say sorry but apparently as he grabbed my knee on purpose it wasn't an accident!

Next time he says he's calling your parents, let him. He will shot his pants when they answer and won't say a bloody word.

I can't find it now but I remember your post about your parents' visit and your DH being awkward with the dates. I seem to recall that you did ask him after the fact about why he'd messed you and them about in that way and his response was something along the lines of it being fun for him to watch you turn yourself inside out trying to manage the situation and that was all there was to it.

He is not a nice person and will only get worse especially if you have kids with him.

What she said ^

Your husband is incredibly controlling and manipulative. This is abuse.

My ex husband once threatened to call my parents, because I had dared to tell him our marriage was over (was sick of being his punchbag), this was just another way to control me.

I think you should leave this man, his behaviour is very concerning. He has no respect for you. I hope you're ok.

He sounds like a horrible controlling bully. You wanted to address an issue with him and he chose to try and cause huge embarrassment to you instead of calmly discuss the issue. I’d be mortified if my DH did that. He sounds awful.

Yep

And emailed them to cancel the trip after the OP arranged it

Why does someone have to drop what they want to say , a conversation is a normal request in a relationship. Op is more then valid to flag something with their partner. What kind of a partner refuses to speak then blackmail their partner Into backing down.

I remember your previous posts.

Don’t you think your parents know this guy is a grade A asshole?

He is abusive and controlling. Stop expecting him to change - they don’t get better with age like a fine wine!

The house and his income are not worth your happiness

@SabrinaLina What are you waiting for? You’re wasting your life if you think he’s going to change - HE WON’T. He’s a misogynistic bully, and if your parents knew just how vile he is they’d probably kidnap you to get you away from him. Please see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings, he’ll make your life a misery if you stay.

Tell him a high salary is no replacement for a personality and a modicum of dignity.

I don't actually know what modicum means but I feel like it's a word I will be using once I check the meaning...😂 completely agree with the rest of your post by the way .

My DH has just gone NC with my family he has little contact with his own family so finds it very hard to understand why I want lots of (means speaking on phone every couple of days and seeing then about once a month) contact with mine. He will not have them in the house when he is home or he will not listen if I talk about them. He also doesn't like my brother or one of my cousins he likes my auntie and other 2 cousins though. DH thinks that my family look down on him as he is from a different family upbringing to me and has a relatively low paid job. His reasoning is that my parents wanted me to marry a high earner/university educated man. He felt this way when my parents wanted to provide champagne for my wedding and he said "no way" now he has married me - champagne drinking is a thing of the past - my dad overrode him and ordered it anyway!!!!!!

I so feel for you as I feel like I have to choose DH or my parents so this way I am compromising but I think I know deep down that he is being unreasonable I just can't be bothered to argue about it anymore. They are my parents and I will not be stopped from seeing them which I think he gets now (sort of) he finds it odd grown adults having relationships with their families but is realising that it is more normal than he thinks!!!!

He sounds like an arsehole. Not considering your feelings at all, then invalidating them, then acting like a 5yr old ‘telling your mum on you’.

Sounds like a petty argument between a married couple tbh.

It happens - both of you work on it!