Husband rang my parents during argument to get me to drop it

[SabrinaLina]

The other night, I raised something with my husband that had been troubling me. It was about the way he had treated my parents recently - I thought he had been unreasonable and unkind (I won't go into details here). I had tried to discuss it with him a couple of times before, but he shut it down.

Soon into the conversation, he got annoyed and said I should drop it. He then said it is because he works hard at his job that we can pay the mortgage, so I shouldn't be hassling him about it (fwiw, I do pay a share of the mortgage, but less than him because he earns a lot more).

I said I wanted to talk about the incident with my parents because it had upset me, and so that it doesn't happen again. He then said that if I didn't drop it, he would phone my Dad right now and ask him what he thinks - which he knew I would be mortified about (this also seemed like an odd tactic, because if my dad knew about the issue, it would reflect badly on my husband). He started ringing my parents' phone, and held the phone up to my face to show me it was ringing. I said 'OK I'll leave the room', and he hung up (before anyone answered).

Please tell me, does anyone else's partners act like this when they want you to drop something?

Is that how it goes in your house? Your partner calls your parents to try and show you up?

That's not normal behaviour.

Are you the poster whose husband criticised your footwear for going on holiday ?

I’m saying the argument sounds petty on both sides….to clarify for you. It doesn’t sound divorce worthy to me. It sounds like they need to understand each other’s boundaries better and learn a better way to communicate. Both sides sound like they are abit annoyed and miserable and need to talk in a healthier way.

My household if you must know don’t call the grandparents during an argument - but we have done some petty crap to eachother. Especially when we were new parents for example. We worked hard on this and learnt how to communicate better without just being pricks to eachother and not giving the other an inch ever - we are very happy and love eachother very much. But sometimes it takes abit of effort from both sides.

How was op "being a prick" to her husband? By telling him she was upset by something he'd done?

He sounds like a prick 🙄 is it really worth having conversations with him about what happened with your parents, given that it's very unlikely to have the outcome that you want? Do you think he'll say that he was in the wrong, apologise and that it won't happen again? He won't, will he? Cos he's a prick!

Your DH sounds really nice, @LemonTurtle . That sounds like a very healthy approach.

During arguments on other occasions, when my husband has refused to discuss something, I've said 'ok, well can we book in 10 mins on another day and talk about it then' - but he still refuses.

Thanks @Imbusytodaysorry .... I'm curious about what in his behaviour makes you say he's a narcissist? His attitude about his salary?

Your DH sounds like a bully.

The salary thing is not the giveaway, OP - although his continual weaponisation of it as a means to elevate himself over you and shut down your opinions is definitely telling. Everything you’ve said about him screams manipulation and control - he’s pushing levers all the time to keep you cowed and treading on eggs, which is classic narc behaviour.

Narcissists are highly self-aggrandising. They see themselves as better than other people and will do and say almost anything to convince others of their superiority. They lack empathy and the capacity to love deeply and selflessly. They cannot and will not see themselves as being at fault - ever - and cannot understand why anyone else might refuse to centre their wants/needs/whims/opinions.

Their affections and approval are dependent upon other people behaving exactly as they expect or determine, and they will dole out punishment for transgressions. Transgressions might include anything and everything from simply disagreeing with them, to any form of criticism/confrontation, to outright refusing to go along with what they want - even if that’s as simple as wearing a dress he prefers - or, say, wishing to invite your parents on a date that’s not specifically pre-determined by him. But there’s also an element of unpredictability to their demands and reactions - another lever to keep you in a permanent state of low-level anxiety.

The key element in all of this is control. They must retain control at all costs, and it’s usually their partners and children that pay most dearly (they fuck up their kids terribly). Part of this may involve alienating and pushing away any close family or friends who love and support their partner and therefore make them more likely to stand up for themselves (or in their eyes, ‘misbehave’ and step out of line). Think about why he’s the way he is with your lovely parents.

There is no relationship a narcissist will not burn to the ground in order to retain control, because that’s the only way they can protect their darkest secret, which is they are fragile, weak, insecure people - a fact they cannot acknowledge, even to themselves.

They cannot and do not change. Staying or not staying with this man will determine your happiness for the rest of your one and only precious life, OP, it really will.

@SabrinaLina
"During arguments on other occasions, when my husband has refused to discuss something, I've said 'ok, well can we book in 10 mins on another day and talk about it then' - but he still refuses"
This is an abuse tactic called 'stonewalling'. It takes the form of refusing point blank to discuss anything that they don't want to or by going completely silent and refusing to talk to you at all.

Why is that you didn't want him to speak to your parents at that moment?
Was it was to try and protect your H from looking unreasonable and protecting his standing with your DP's?
Or were you trying to protect your DP's from finding out what he's like?
Or were you trying to stop your parents thinking that you are a horrible, unreasonable wife who needs her H to shove her back into line by complaining to her father?

Your parents already have a good idea about what he's like that's why they quietly accept being told that they can't come to visit - they don't want to make your life worse and, let's face it, H has already trashed his reputation with them.
Your DP's know that you are not the unreasonable one here. They know that you are not a terrible wife but they can see that you're in a horrible relationship. I suspect that they are quietly waiting for you to come to them and feel that it's not their place (quite rightly) at this stage to mention it.

You know that you need to do something as this isn't sustainable for you. I would suggest that you read a book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That? It will be an eyeopener for you. Couples therapy never works with an abuser and is not recommended anyway but think about some therapy for yourself. You need to find your worth in yourself. When you've read the book and scales drop from your eyes then think about getting ducks in a row - quietly work to protect yourself and your family. Do you want to show your DC this model of relationship? No? Read the book, tell your parents (these type of secrets only cause harm) and plan, plan, plan a way out.

This is absolutely right. Your parents almost certainly already know and are very worried about you.

(although I disagree that parents shouldn't carefully mention itwhen they see red flags).

I don't know how long you have been married but you need to nip the behaviour in the bud. He sounds very controlling and cruel. Be very careful and have a good think about his behaviour, it's not justified and it could get worse. Take care, maybe talk to someone about his behsvior.

Technically, my DH pays the entire mortgage. I pay for other things. It just so happens that the mortgage comes out of his account. But it doesn't matter because we're married and all money is "our" money. I used to earn more. Now he does. In the next few years there's a good chance it'll switch again. Doesn't matter because we only work to fund our life together.

Next time he brings it into an argument remind him that if you split, he'd have to pay for everything for him and likely still support you raising your children, because he wouldn't be able to have them 50/50 and do his "big job".

Think I’d be considering dropping him!

(google passive bullying)

Um ... OP threatened to call her parents. Husband started dialling the number.

I think his actions were perfectly reasonable.

Why is OP running to mummy and daddy for help in an argument with DH???

Ignore the guy in his mums basement

Maybe there is an agreement between him and your parents that you know nothing of.

But she said she was going to talk to her parents about it before he dialed. Is it possible he felt like OP was the tattletale

@SabrinaLina I don't like the way your husband behaved.
I left my partner of 6yrs due to DV. He was in & out of prison, on & off drugs and alcohol. I ran away, no notice given, during lockdown, with our 2 small children in tow and 1 van full of our belongings.
One of his favoured tactics was whenever he had a go at me about something and I dared to stand up for myself, then he would ring my parents, wave his phone at me while it was ringing, he would taunt me, almost sing-songing, "Let's find out what your parents have to see about your stupid behaviour."
I often left the room in tears, feeling ashamed, brokenhearted. It wasn't that I had done/said anything especially stupid. Often he'd throw a perfectly good meal down the sink or onto the kitchen floor, saying he didn't like the way I prepared and cooked it. Or I'd forgotten to share a particular detail with social services to make him look like a reformed character. Or worse, if I felt brave enough to talk to him about his substance abuse, begging him to give up for the kids' sake.
But I just knew he would report what he'd found so offensive about me to my parents in a way that I imagined would make them feel disappointed.
After I had cried out a flood, he would torment me further, saying that my parents couldn't stand me, describing how they'd called be stupid, dumb, immature, a useless slag.
Years later, I finally grew brave and asked my parents about this phonecalls. They hadn't received one single call from him in the whole 6 years we'd been together and yet he taunted me with them every other day. My parents did say that their landlines would ring and then stop before they could get to it, and they couldn't find out by ringing 1471 who the caller was because the number had been withheld.

So my ex had lied. Lies on top of DV, on top of financial abuse, on top of coercion. He would even damage doors, windows and soft furnishings in my maisonette to make it feel un-live-able and a shithole, as he liked to call it to make me feel downtrodden. And yes, he would blame social services' presence in our lives on me.

Getting my parents in on arguments was a huge emotional control tactic my ex used to make me bend to his will, to make me shut up, to cut my self-esteem and sense of worth down to nothing. Never mind that it was all a big lie. It bloody worked! He got me right under the thumb.

I would argue your husband is abusive behaving this way, phoning your parents, even pretending to. Raising his higher income like a bullying superior, is a "you will be told, you will bow down to me" unspoken rule.

Break the rules - STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND GET OUT!

One word … bully. Be careful

He sounds like a controlling bully - I earn more than you so what I say goes mentality, emotional abuse. I'd say get rid - red flags everywhere.

Are you her husband?

Seriously?!? If my DH had been rude or whatever to my parents, I’d be discussing it with him!

My exH called my sister once to ‘tell on me’ during an argument and asked her to speak to me … she thankfully told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off. When I finally separated from him he told any of my family members who would listen to him - and his own family - the most awful things about me. Sadly OP people like this don’t get better, they just get better at being abusers. My exH has been trying to groom my children against me for years now. It’s gross. This is a great book about emotional abusers. It explains a lot! How He Gets into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser https://amzn.eu/d/1oeZmxH