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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband rang my parents during argument to get me to drop it

207 replies

SabrinaLina · 19/04/2024 00:29

The other night, I raised something with my husband that had been troubling me. It was about the way he had treated my parents recently - I thought he had been unreasonable and unkind (I won't go into details here). I had tried to discuss it with him a couple of times before, but he shut it down.

Soon into the conversation, he got annoyed and said I should drop it. He then said it is because he works hard at his job that we can pay the mortgage, so I shouldn't be hassling him about it (fwiw, I do pay a share of the mortgage, but less than him because he earns a lot more).

I said I wanted to talk about the incident with my parents because it had upset me, and so that it doesn't happen again. He then said that if I didn't drop it, he would phone my Dad right now and ask him what he thinks - which he knew I would be mortified about (this also seemed like an odd tactic, because if my dad knew about the issue, it would reflect badly on my husband). He started ringing my parents' phone, and held the phone up to my face to show me it was ringing. I said 'OK I'll leave the room', and he hung up (before anyone answered).

Please tell me, does anyone else's partners act like this when they want you to drop something?

OP posts:
Scottishshortbread11877 · 20/04/2024 12:44

Should have just let him phone - he was bluffing.

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2024 15:00

SabrinaLina · 20/04/2024 00:21

No - alternative dates did suit him, he just didn't want to accommodate them. Which most people would, a) because they're my parents and b) because they were driving all the way down to bring furniture and help us with DIY jobs.

Oh - it's you

You keep posting (which is fine)

But what are you actually going to DO?

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 20/04/2024 15:10

category12 · 19/04/2024 06:22

He sounds like a dick.

Yep.
A prize one.

Mmhmmn · 21/04/2024 09:57

mrsdineen2 · 19/04/2024 10:51

Posters are sharing examples of awful behaviour, and I'm sorry that happened you, but the examples shared are of exs threatening to tell parents inappropriate things that had nothing to do with them.

The scant information we have is that OP's husband was going to ask her father for his view on something she says directly involved her father and that she keeps bringing up. I don't see the comparison.

The comparison is the bizarre controlling behaviour. Inappropriate actions to get the female to either stop what she’s doing or admit to something she hasn’t done.

horseyhorsey17 · 22/04/2024 13:02

SwanSong1 · 19/04/2024 00:32

Perhaps listen when he said drop it instead of pushing. If your parents have any issues with your husband, they can address him directly.

Erm - no.

OP, your husband's behaviour has red flags all over it. Sorry.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 22/04/2024 13:09

SabrinaLina · 20/04/2024 00:14

Thank you all. I appreciate the kind replies. It's helpful to have it confirmed that his behaviour isn't normal, because deep down I think I know it's not.

Some of you have asked what the issue was with the way he had treated my parents, that I brought up the other day. I have posted about it before under another username so I realise this may bore people and apologies (I got lots of good advice on that thread, which I'm still working through) - but I'll summarise it for context:

Basically, my parents were coming to stay for a weekend. I had suggested a couple of weekends in Jan to them as options (which I had run past my husband first), but the dates weren't very convenient for them and they asked if a weekend in Feb would work instead.

In January, I said:
'I would like to accommodate them and offer them alternative dates, because they have a 7 hour drive, they're in their 70s, and they are coming to help us with DIY in our new house. If we offer them another weekend, they will have more time either side to make the most of their journey and not have to rush back, so they can see some friends en route.'

My husband said:
'No, no other weekend suits me'

But during all of Feb and March he had no plans on the weekends, so there was no reason at all for him to refuse. He just seemed annoyed that they had asked for an alternative weekend.

It still bothers me now because there was absolutely no reason for him to refuse to be flexible, and he has never been sorry about it.

(prior to this, he had been difficult about other aspects of my parents' visit, which I posted about - but it was the incident above which I brought up the other day).

And I should mention that I offered them a weekend that suited them anyway - I would never not - but I had to fight with my husband about it.

I remember this. I had one of these. I was a lot happier when I put him in the bin. The only thing better than getting my divorce certificate was when he moved to the other side of the world a week later and I knew I would never ever see him again.

MiriamY · 22/04/2024 13:10

You describe abusive behaviour by your husband. If this incident is common, including about the financial contributions then it sounds like there are some serious issues at play. He doesn't sound respectful and doesn't see you as his equal in the relationship. Seek advice and support IRL. ❤️

AstralSpace · 22/04/2024 13:27

Your dh is controlling and abusive. You have every right to invite your parents to your home to stay.
He seems immature too. Think carefully if you stay with him and want to have a family. He'll be even more controlling then

Crunchymum · 22/04/2024 13:34

Nanny0gg · 20/04/2024 15:00

Oh - it's you

You keep posting (which is fine)

But what are you actually going to DO?

I was going to say I am sure I read a thread recently in which the OP had namechanged to post about her vile husband and his behaviour towards her parents.

So this is at least a 3rd thread.

The advice isn't going to change. Your DH is an awful man who treats you and your parents terribly.

I hope you are able to find a way out of your marriage but namechanging and posting similar stories isn't the way forward. Taking action is the way forward.

Dal1970 · 22/04/2024 14:00

It seems to me a lot of frustration built up over the years. Perhaps he feels taken for granted by your parents and this is his way of venting off.
Maybe he's getting very little respect back from your parents (?)
I know I get pissed off with my in-laws and feel like giving them down the banks. My Mrs is gentle and doesn't want trouble only peace so I back off and block their numbers instead. I don't want to know her stupid lot, but to keep the peace I stay away and get on with my own life. Sorry 😔....

canyouletthedogoutplease · 22/04/2024 14:11

category12 · 19/04/2024 06:22

He sounds like a dick.

Quite.

Fraaahnces · 22/04/2024 14:14

Maybe your parents could help you get a solicitor instead.

SiobhanSnow444 · 22/04/2024 14:20

Yes men hate being pushed. However, if this is troubling you and important to you and you do not want this to happen again then he must discuss this at some point.
What I say to my husband is 'when will you be free to discuss this? I am happy to wait but this needs to be discussed.' Refusing to discuss an issue that is troubling you is really not an option if good communication is to take place in your relationship going forward.

Devon23 · 22/04/2024 14:21

You said you wanted to discuss it with your parents so he rang them? Now your playing the victim? Guess he's getting sick of your drama and games.

Bansheed · 22/04/2024 14:23

He is a bully and horrible to you. You know what you need to do.

Underestimated4 · 22/04/2024 14:28

This is not acceptable and I’m guessing it’s not the only thing he does that has you questioning yourself and walking away. Check online for emotional and psychological abuse - just incase

SabrinaLina · 22/04/2024 14:37

Devon23 · 22/04/2024 14:21

You said you wanted to discuss it with your parents so he rang them? Now your playing the victim? Guess he's getting sick of your drama and games.

@Devon23 when did I say I wanted to discuss the disagreement with my parents? I don't understand your post.

OP posts:
Nettie1964 · 22/04/2024 14:39

C1N1C · 19/04/2024 06:40

So you were upset on your parents' behalf, you kept pushing, and then felt it unreasonable when he actually suggested going to the source to get them to weigh in?

Then he did a pretend phonecall like a teenager. Narcissist alert. Get a job and get away. If you cant have an opinion or raise concerns what is the point of having a husband. He earns more so he's In charge. It will only get worse.

SabrinaLina · 22/04/2024 14:41

Crunchymum · 22/04/2024 13:34

I was going to say I am sure I read a thread recently in which the OP had namechanged to post about her vile husband and his behaviour towards her parents.

So this is at least a 3rd thread.

The advice isn't going to change. Your DH is an awful man who treats you and your parents terribly.

I hope you are able to find a way out of your marriage but namechanging and posting similar stories isn't the way forward. Taking action is the way forward.

Edited

I posted about the parents-staying-incident last year. This thread is different but related (it's about his treatment of me during an argument about those events several months back, and I only gave details about what subject of the argument because people asked for more context).

OP posts:
Pinkclouds80 · 22/04/2024 14:44

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702

Read this, it’s short but if it resonates then it will help you feel clearer. You sound like you’re doubting your own perspective and sanity, a horrible place to be xx

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-Dominator-About-Freedom-Programme/dp/0955882702?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-relationships-5057730-husband-rang-my-parents-during-argument-to-get-me-to-drop-it

PensionedCruiser · 22/04/2024 14:51

Grimchmas · 19/04/2024 00:38

Yeah no.

An adult in a relationship should be able to raise a concern that is important to them, have it listened to and for the pair of them to be able to handle minor conflict.

OP, he shut you down, and when you persevered he escalated in a way that he knew you wouldn't want and would make things awkward with your parents. He presumably did these things to avoid being held accountable for his own poor behaviour.

Yes. He is being controlling. As partners you should be able to communicate respectfully about anything, although a simple "I don't feel able to discuss that at the moment" should be a signal to bring the matter up another time.

LemonTurtle · 22/04/2024 14:59

My DH would never want me to drop something that was bothering me. If he were in the middle of something (like work), he may ask to talk about it later. However he would bring it up himself to make sure he addressed whatever I was upset about.

I also would never need to ask permission for my parents to visit. I simply check our shared calendar for any conflicts, then add the visit to the calendar and give him a heads up. The week before he also always asks "is thee anything you want me to do before your parents get here?" Referring to chores, house repairs, mowing, etc.

The fact that your DH is using "tactics" at all during a disagreement instead of being receptive and respectful is a huge red flag. Controlling and manipulative behavior isn't something you're going to change. So think hard on if you actually want to live with that for the rest of your life.

Golftennis · 22/04/2024 15:00

Crunchymum · 22/04/2024 13:34

I was going to say I am sure I read a thread recently in which the OP had namechanged to post about her vile husband and his behaviour towards her parents.

So this is at least a 3rd thread.

The advice isn't going to change. Your DH is an awful man who treats you and your parents terribly.

I hope you are able to find a way out of your marriage but namechanging and posting similar stories isn't the way forward. Taking action is the way forward.

Edited

lol lol

SabrinaLina · 22/04/2024 15:03

Nettie1964 · 22/04/2024 14:39

Then he did a pretend phonecall like a teenager. Narcissist alert. Get a job and get away. If you cant have an opinion or raise concerns what is the point of having a husband. He earns more so he's In charge. It will only get worse.

The pretend phone call was such an odd thing to do.

A few weeks ago he did a similar thing - we had argued, he said he'd ring my dad to ask what he thought, then he walked in to room talking to him on the phone (when he hadn't actually rang so he wasn't talking to anyone).

I was mortified and panicked, and after I realised he was pretending, I told him that was a really mean thing to do.

This guy is in his early 40s.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/04/2024 15:05

Dump the ridiculous twat.