Husband rang my parents during argument to get me to drop it

[SabrinaLina]

The other night, I raised something with my husband that had been troubling me. It was about the way he had treated my parents recently - I thought he had been unreasonable and unkind (I won't go into details here). I had tried to discuss it with him a couple of times before, but he shut it down.

Soon into the conversation, he got annoyed and said I should drop it. He then said it is because he works hard at his job that we can pay the mortgage, so I shouldn't be hassling him about it (fwiw, I do pay a share of the mortgage, but less than him because he earns a lot more).

I said I wanted to talk about the incident with my parents because it had upset me, and so that it doesn't happen again. He then said that if I didn't drop it, he would phone my Dad right now and ask him what he thinks - which he knew I would be mortified about (this also seemed like an odd tactic, because if my dad knew about the issue, it would reflect badly on my husband). He started ringing my parents' phone, and held the phone up to my face to show me it was ringing. I said 'OK I'll leave the room', and he hung up (before anyone answered).

Please tell me, does anyone else's partners act like this when they want you to drop something?

He was over the top with the reaction.
Because he works hard, what? You should shut your mouth and only speak when he wants?, he can have ice cream in every meal?
Ringing your parents was to shut you down, and it worked.

Is this example one of a kind of is he frequently behaving like this?

If he didn't want to discuss the matter for a valid reason he just could say. I'm really tired can we talk about this other time?

My partner doesn’t act this way because he’s not controlling or domestically abusive. This image might help you to better understand your relationship.

If you don’t have kids, I would pack my bags and leave. He sound like a first class a-hole.

Op google emotional brinkmanship. He’s not a good person.

He is using your love for your family against you and to hurt you. He knows you don’t want your family to realise how abusive he is. He wants you to feel and carry the shame that is his. He is a bad person and his dark traits are going to make you physically and mentally unwell as time goes on.

He is is a fucked up reaction to a request to talk. A real power move! He is teaching you NOT to criticise him. Why is that?

Is he doing other arsehole things too?

Have you got children?

He thinks his high salary means that he is Billy Big Bollocks and the OP isn't entitled to an opinion.

Given how vague OP is being, it's also possible that the slight to her parents came from him prioritising work over something important to her family. In that speicifc case, the benefits of his salary to the relationship would relevant.

Of course I could be completely wrong, but we're all just speculating over less than half of a story.

What a totally manipulative person he is. He’s silencing you by weaponising your parents and his income.

My exh used to do this type of shite. He held a list of all my terrible 'crimes' over my head for years and would threaten to tell my family if I stepped out of line. These 'crimes' seemed huge in my mind. When the decision to leave was made (with my family incidentally) I told all the family about all these things that were 'my shame' and they were not surprised or disgusted by them which was a) astonishing & b) a relief to me. So when I made my move to leave exh, as predicted, forced me to visit my closest family members and he told them that I was leaving him and then reeled off all these 'crimes' with as much viciousness he could muster. Exh's face when my brother & Sil said that they knew everything, including all his abuses too, was a picture. Then my dad said the same and exh knew the game was up and he cancelled his plans for visits to other family members. I then felt strong enough to refuse to visit his family ever again.

I would not have left the room OP. I would have stood there and carried on watching. You know that your H wouldn't have said anything don't you? I found that the threats my ex made weren't empty but that I had been trained to think that they were terrible and in the end they were not.

Usually a post that sounds quite controlling makes me look at the OP’s other posts as it won’t be some one time isolated incident.
OP - in February and March you were looking for divorce info and about experiences ending a relationship. Why now are you trying to see if his clearly irrational behaviours are normal? No it is not normal for a husband to try and silence you into speaking about your concerns. It is not normal for a husband to embarrass you in a restaurant. It is not normal for a husband to refuse to do something that is important to you.
Focus your energy on getting away from him rather than trying to rationalise someone who doesn’t care about you.

The OP literally says he often brings his high salary into arguments.

In other words, he is important, and she is a subordinate. This relationship is not an equal partnership where both people are valued. He sees himself as superior.

And we don't know what these arguments are about.

"Please stop flirting with other women" followed "fuck off I earn more money" would be objectively awful.

Arguments about his workload? Well pointing out that it affords their lifestyle is a fair response.

We're not even getting half the story here.

He sounds like a dickhead in several ways. Refusing to discuss something that is bothering you, bringing his high salary into arguments to put you down, using ridiculous tactics like phoning your parents to try and "shame" you. Next time maybe call his bluff and let him call them! He needs to learn to communicate like an adult. Maybe counselling?

Btw my DH earns a lot more than me and has never mentioned this in a "showing off" way. Not once.

But we know that this particular argument was about how he treated her parents. So his salary is irrelevant.

Do we know that? All we know is that whatever he did, her father doesn't actually realise it.

Do we know that he didn't, for example, fail to do something important for them because of his work?

OP doesn't owe us details, but without them our answers are meaningless to her, led by the snippets she choose to share.

@SabrinaLina Then there is the reference to salary in different matters.
Your Opening post is a symptom not the cause of anything.
It will be difficult to make this relationship improve I think.

Do you think he would actually go ahead with the conversation??
If it was me I’d say - yes go ahead and call them now. Let’s see what my parents think.

Many, many years ago I was in a relationships with someone (awful person, domestic abuse and all that..: ) who was trying to do the same. The context was VERY different tho - Accused me of cheating (which wasn’t true) and said I wasn’t even going to work but instead was out and about with other people and that I was basically a prostitute 🤨😂😂😂which I obviously denied, so he took the phone out and said he will call my mother and tell her all that if I dont admit that I was cheating etc etc. I said ok, call her now. He took the phone out and start ringing her, the phone rang for a moment but when he got no reaction from me, and she didn’t pick up fast enough, he hung up and didn’t try to re dial, and never went ahead with calling her again.

Posters are sharing examples of awful behaviour, and I'm sorry that happened you, but the examples shared are of exs threatening to tell parents inappropriate things that had nothing to do with them.

The scant information we have is that OP's husband was going to ask her father for his view on something she says directly involved her father and that she keeps bringing up. I don't see the comparison.

He doesn’t see you as an equal - sorry but your marriage is over. You should not try to please him and try to look better in his eyes, he will never let you, you are great as you are, he’s just horrible and you need to leave him. Don’t let him destroy your self esteem

@SabrinaLina He then said it is because he works hard at his job that we can pay the mortgage, so I shouldn't be hassling him about it (fwiw, I do pay a share of the mortgage, but less than him because he earns a lot more

Aka: “the fact I earn more gives me the right to be a jerk”

It all comes down to that, whoever makes the money makes the rules, the patriarchy has been using this for centuries, that’s how women get to be coerced and controlled.

You've posted before about your husband and problems and him being weird haven't you? I don't remember the exact post but what advice did you get and did you take it?

No. She's got every right to say whatever she wants.

Why remain married to a douchebag?
You know you've only got one life right?

"He talks a lot about his income"
Oh fuck him off op. Everyone knows these braggarts are totally scum. Usually if an ego maniac starts that shit, people leave the room and try to avoid ever meeting the jumped up narcissist ever again.

Listen to your eye rolls. Follow them out the back of your head through the front door.

He sounds like a manipulative scumbag.
You should be able to discuss concerns openly without him trying to shut you down. Bringing his salary into the argument is seriously low ball.