OLFD (On-line fucking dating)

[niadainud]

Trying to forget about the guy who I really like and who I think likes me but who can't seem to commit to so much as a phone call, so am trying on-line dating - but my god it's hard work.

First weeding out all the ones you don't find attractive or who aren't remotely compatible and then seeing how they negotiate the first date (which I always think of as "Date Zero").

I'm suggesting meeting halfway between where we both live, but he's lobbying for me to travel to him (central London), saying he'll buy me cocktails. Red flag? I don't even know any more what is and what isn't.

Seems nice otherwise. Hasn't tried to turn the conversation sexual or mentioned going back to his.

Any thoughts?

Given their effort only deteriorates after the first date, he's setting the bar low. 5 years ago I'd have gone, I wouldn't now.

Yes, that's kind of what I was thinking. I'd also prefer something a bit more low-key for a first meeting of someone I don't know, rather than a fancy cocktail bar.

How far is it for you to travel there?

Yes it’s a red flag, as is the mentioning plying you with cocktails.
I expect guys to put themselves out for a first date (or date zero - love this!) They should be going all out to make you feel safe - so meeting on your home turf or somewhere you suggest.
Plus keep it low key - coffee - then if you want to, a proper second date.

No stick to what you feel comfortable with, don't travel further than you want to, if he's that interested he'll make the effort to meet you half way, he's probably hoping to get you drunk so you'll stay at his.

Date zero is indeed best kept low key, preferably a quick coffee date so you can assess if there's any attraction. Don't waste time arranging meals, cocktails etc in advance in case there's no spark. You can always extend the date if there is. Oh, and meet half way, don't do all the running!

Ugh, no. He wants this as convenient as possible to him...that sets the tone for the rest of the relationship, and I doubt you have the time or inclination to train him to do better.

Also, the cocktails. Great, so best case, you're drunk and now have to schlep back out of town solo to get home.

It's a no from me.

Getting you to come to him and lots of drinking = easy first date sex in his eyes. It’s a no.

Yep this. ^ Tell him no @niadainud and throw him back in the sea. He's a 22 carat gold dud.

Yeah I'd skip the one that won't come to you. Agree with poster that said this is the beginning where they should want to show their worth so if he is lazy now, it won't get better.

I know the pain. I've just started again and made the mistake of right swiping too many as always so now they're all talking at once and its exhausting lol. Especially knowing that most of it will likely come to nothing.

Why do we do this to ourselves? xD

Red flag for sure. Co kraits and back to his pad by the sound of it.

Date guys nearer to your home and safety/friends.

Sod that, I will only meet a man for a first date in my area. They either offer to travel or I suggest it and they agree. Sifts out the timewasters.

I wouldn't be sinking cocktails with a stranger either. They are lethal but you don't realise until it's too late cos they taste lovely. It's probably what he's banking on.

Door to door probably c.45 minutes, but trains are only half-hourly.

That’s not the point!!!

Reframe date zero as vetting meet zero!

Coffee only - somewhere at least as convenient for you as him - no more than an hour!

only then does he get to have a date with you.

Well he's just checked we're on for Thursday, I said sure, "but as I said I'd rather meet halfway the first time," to which I got a pained expression emoji. He said he finishes work late, to which I replied that if it's so late he can't get on a train for a few stops we should probably postpone.

He has now come back and asked where I want to meet (I have already suggested somewhere halfway, on a direct line for both of us).

Hmmm.

What's not the point?

@Pinkbonbon I have the same issue - I got carried away and now trying to have different conversations at the same time. It's worse than having young kids 😂

He’s telling you who he is. And how much value he is placing on you. Listen.

This is him at his very best.

The amount of time it takes you to get to central London is not the point.

The point is - he wants you to come to him. And is offering to pay for cocktails in lieu of him making a proper effort. Which is pretty grim when you think about it.

Sack him off. Wouldn't waste any more time on someone who sent a pained expression emoji to a message asking to meet halfway

Oh I see what you mean. Yes, that's exactly how it feels. Especially since he has a very well-paid job, so £50/£60 on a few cocktails is nothing.

A PAINED EMOJI?!

Oh fuck off, mate. How charming!

My vagina would clamp at that and ruin any chance for him. Even if he went full Prince Charming for Thursday, as you're going to meet him, you'll see PAINED EMOJI. He's fumbled this before it had a chance to get off the ground.

Also, if he's soooo busy/tired/whatever, what fucking idiot says Thursday?! He's not even giving you a prime time day. Not even a prime day matinee slot.

His intentions and subpar effort are obvious. You don't want a life of this.

I don't think someone offering to buy you a few drinks is a red flag in itself , but its that he is insisting that you travel to him. Meeting half way is sensible and if he is refusing to meet you or making it into a big deal, I wouldn't bother.

I've been there before and feel your pain with Online Dating!

He’s treating you like a deliveroo at best and a sex worker at worst.

You’ve asked about red flags. We are all telling you …

Throw this one back @niadainud. And have a think about patterns of behaviour. Accepting crumbs - you are worth so much more than a bloke who won’t commit to a phone call or a guy summonsing you with a promise of cocktails . Also - if he was not earning a big wage that still wouldn’t make a difference.

He’s treating you like a deliveroo at best

😂