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Original poster

OLFD (On-line fucking dating)

164 replies

niadainud · 16/04/2024 22:24

Trying to forget about the guy who I really like and who I think likes me but who can't seem to commit to so much as a phone call, so am trying on-line dating - but my god it's hard work.

First weeding out all the ones you don't find attractive or who aren't remotely compatible and then seeing how they negotiate the first date (which I always think of as "Date Zero").

I'm suggesting meeting halfway between where we both live, but he's lobbying for me to travel to him (central London), saying he'll buy me cocktails. Red flag? I don't even know any more what is and what isn't.

Seems nice otherwise. Hasn't tried to turn the conversation sexual or mentioned going back to his.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 16/04/2024 23:26

Yes, like this one: 😣. I said I'd rather meet halfway and got 😣 as a response.

To be fair about the choice of day, I only get back from being away tomorrow and he didn't want to wait until the weekend.

OP posts:
BirtyDird · 16/04/2024 23:28

Just seen the update about the pained emoji. Yeah that would annoy me and put me off. It sounds like he just wants a bit of fun as he can't be bothered to make the effort to travel for a date.

Original poster
niadainud · 16/04/2024 23:29

HaggisBurger · 16/04/2024 23:22

He’s treating you like a deliveroo at best and a sex worker at worst.

You’ve asked about red flags. We are all telling you …

Throw this one back @niadainud. And have a think about patterns of behaviour. Accepting crumbs - you are worth so much more than a bloke who won’t commit to a phone call or a guy summonsing you with a promise of cocktails . Also - if he was not earning a big wage that still wouldn’t make a difference.

I am thinking of patterns of behaviour. That's precisely why I started this thread.

OP posts:
Theorangejuice · 16/04/2024 23:31

FakeMiddleton · 16/04/2024 23:21

A PAINED EMOJI?!

Oh fuck off, mate. How charming!

My vagina would clamp at that and ruin any chance for him. Even if he went full Prince Charming for Thursday, as you're going to meet him, you'll see PAINED EMOJI. He's fumbled this before it had a chance to get off the ground.

Also, if he's soooo busy/tired/whatever, what fucking idiot says Thursday?! He's not even giving you a prime time day. Not even a prime day matinee slot.

His intentions and subpar effort are obvious. You don't want a life of this.

Thursday is a perfectly acceptable first date night. I would absolutely not go 'prime time' (presumably you mean Friday or Saturday?) for a first date when I could spend them with friends having guaranteed fun.

FakeMiddleton · 16/04/2024 23:33

Nah, it's more his logic. "I'm a super busy person"...then don't pick a fucking weekday when you have to go to work the next day.

It's like he's bitching to her for his own dumb choice

HaggisBurger · 16/04/2024 23:34

niadainud · 16/04/2024 23:29

I am thinking of patterns of behaviour. That's precisely why I started this thread.

Show quote history

Good. Then are you listening? To what HE is telling you?

You think a guy that is really keen on a woman wouldn’t offer to come to her at the very least or at best half way RIGHT FROM THE START ?

His keenness not to wait until the weekend is not because he’s desperate to meet in person this high value woman that he’s excited to think could be a long term relationship - I’d almost guarantee you. Likely he’s thinking he can get his end away, no?

FakeMiddleton · 16/04/2024 23:35

Exactly, Haggis. If he was soooo keen to meet you and thinks you're so great, he himself would want to be prepared and carve out the due time - Saturday, Sunday, whatever...not some rushed two hour cocktail date straight from work.

Original poster
niadainud · 16/04/2024 23:36

HaggisBurger · 16/04/2024 23:34

Good. Then are you listening? To what HE is telling you?

You think a guy that is really keen on a woman wouldn’t offer to come to her at the very least or at best half way RIGHT FROM THE START ?

His keenness not to wait until the weekend is not because he’s desperate to meet in person this high value woman that he’s excited to think could be a long term relationship - I’d almost guarantee you. Likely he’s thinking he can get his end away, no?

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, you're probably right.

I can't really expect him to be super keen on me before we've even met, but that's no reason for him not to make a bit of an effort.

OP posts:
highlo · 16/04/2024 23:36

So he's sent a pained emoji at the thought of travelling half way. Yet expects you to travel the full distance?! Fuck off!!

It's screams superiority....he's tired, he's busy, he has an important job. Boo fucking hoo!

He may as well just come out and say that your time is less important and you don't have anything better to do with your time than pander to him.

I wouldn't even be going half way now tbh

HaggisBurger · 16/04/2024 23:39

In fairness I’m not hung up on the Thursday night thing. It’s all a red herring.

Bottomline - he doesn’t value you / your time enough. And is being rude and petulant to compound it.
I don’t actually think either party should do more than have a coffee on a first meet and THEN do something if there is a spark.

My guess tho is that this prince only wants alcohol involved as it increases chance of sex. Watch him run a mile of she suggests a day time coffee.

HaggisBurger · 16/04/2024 23:41

“I can't really expect him to be super keen on me before we've even met, but that's no reason for him not to make a bit of an effort.”

Exactly - but here YOU are ready to travel on his terms. So there is an imbalance. And by even countenancing it you’ve reduced your value further.

Deathbyfluffy · 16/04/2024 23:42

Superdupersomeone · 16/04/2024 23:06

Sod that, I will only meet a man for a first date in my area. They either offer to travel or I suggest it and they agree. Sifts out the timewasters.

I wouldn't be sinking cocktails with a stranger either. They are lethal but you don't realise until it's too late cos they taste lovely. It's probably what he's banking on.

Why should the man travel to you?
Half way is reasonable, but expecting them to come to you makes you sound like the big red flag in the OP!

FakeMiddleton · 16/04/2024 23:45

I think sometimes it's ok to be "a big red flag"

Dating is a bit of a game. The flags are bunting! It's like Monty Python and haggling.

Agree this guy will brick it if you ask for a sober daytime date

Original poster
niadainud · 16/04/2024 23:45

HaggisBurger · 16/04/2024 23:41

“I can't really expect him to be super keen on me before we've even met, but that's no reason for him not to make a bit of an effort.”

Exactly - but here YOU are ready to travel on his terms. So there is an imbalance. And by even countenancing it you’ve reduced your value further.

But I'm not - I've said all the way through I want to meet halfway. That's what prompted the pained emoji.

OP posts:
Original poster
niadainud · 16/04/2024 23:46

FakeMiddleton · 16/04/2024 23:45

I think sometimes it's ok to be "a big red flag"

Dating is a bit of a game. The flags are bunting! It's like Monty Python and haggling.

Agree this guy will brick it if you ask for a sober daytime date

I might try it just to see what happens. 😆

OP posts:
FakeMiddleton · 16/04/2024 23:47

@niadainud - and, to be clear, that's no reflection on you. I remember all too well OLD and the chancers and time wasters on there. To them, dating is a numbers game and they'll eventually find someone who is ok with them doing the bare minimum

HaggisBurger · 16/04/2024 23:48

Honestly - try it!! It will give you your answer.

Thursday sounds a bit tricky. How about a quick coffee on Saturday morning.

samestyle · 16/04/2024 23:50

After that pained emoji I'd bin him off. I'm about the same distance from London, I wouldn't match with them, they're always too lazy to travel out of London and expect you to go there especially the more wealthy ones, when they think they can just buy you drinks and meals to stay over, if you don't they just keep trying others.

Superdupersomeone · 16/04/2024 23:55

Deathbyfluffy · 16/04/2024 23:42

Why should the man travel to you?
Half way is reasonable, but expecting them to come to you makes you sound like the big red flag in the OP!

Show quote history

Because it helps me feel safer and more comfortable being in a familiar area. Because I believe a man who is respectful and potentially open to something more than a hook up will be happy to make an effort to help make the woman feel secure for the first couple of dates?

That's how I choose to date 🤷🏻‍♀️ they are perfectly welcome to decline if they aren't interested. But it's not been a problem for any man I have dated so far.

BananaLambo · 16/04/2024 23:56

London people don’t like doing anything that’s not London, especially if it involves making an effort, or driving. If you’re not eating jellied eels, watching Mary Poppins, or having a laugh on the tube then you’re not worth bothering about. Throw him back OP. If it’s not easy in the early days it’ll be Uber shit by the late days.

HaggisBurger · 16/04/2024 23:56

My partner and I live the opposite ends of a large city from one another. Over 1.5hrs away. We met on tinder & met half way for a coffee vetting meeting a couple of days after starting chatting.

He travelled the whole way to me for date one. And would have done so consistently whilst we were in the honeymoon / wooing phase. Now we split the travelling fairly equally I’d say.

But honestly set yourself some ground rules -

no chatting for more than 2-3 days without arranging to meet

First meet - day time or brief non-alcohol first meets at least half way

You will save yourself so much wasted time and come across as valuing yourself. Which you should 😄

SamW98 · 16/04/2024 23:58

@samestyle

Agree. I’m just outside M25 and I find the men in London are reluctant to travel outside for dates. Its always ‘there’s so much more going on here’ - well all towns have coffee bars and nice pubs too so get yourself to a midway point then mate.

Tbh OP I’d rather wait a couple of days til the weekend and have a coffee/daytime date and a midway point than after work midweek cocktails until a few dates in.

I much prefer daytime first dares. It can be a quick coffee if it’s not great or you carry on somewhere else if it goes well.

Original poster
niadainud · 17/04/2024 00:00

I'm not even asking him to travel outside London. I live in Zone 3 and suggested meeting in Zone 2!

OP posts:
Theorangejuice · 17/04/2024 00:14

It takes you 45 mins to travel from zone 3 to zone 2?

highlo · 17/04/2024 06:56

@Theorangejuice she lives in zone 3 and has asked to meet half way which is zone 2.

I'm guessing he's zone 1 and that's what would take her 45 mins? Hence she's suggested zone 2