OLFD (On-line fucking dating)

[niadainud]

Trying to forget about the guy who I really like and who I think likes me but who can't seem to commit to so much as a phone call, so am trying on-line dating - but my god it's hard work.

First weeding out all the ones you don't find attractive or who aren't remotely compatible and then seeing how they negotiate the first date (which I always think of as "Date Zero").

I'm suggesting meeting halfway between where we both live, but he's lobbying for me to travel to him (central London), saying he'll buy me cocktails. Red flag? I don't even know any more what is and what isn't.

Seems nice otherwise. Hasn't tried to turn the conversation sexual or mentioned going back to his.

Any thoughts?

London people don’t like doing anything that’s not London

I came on to say much the same - this is very well put. And then I saw that the OP is talking about zone 3….🤣 But I have a friend (absolutely lovely man) who is “Central London guy” and I’m sure he’d be of the same mindset. (He was invited to have lunch with some friends. In Harpenden. To hear him talk about it, you’d think he’d had to schlep to Outer Mongolia!)

If that mindset irritates you, then better to know now. But - from what you’ve written (and the offer of buying cocktails etc), I’d have put him in the “Londonitis” category rather than the “can’t be arsed” one. Just one perspective, anyway!

Yes, that's right.

To get to where he is suggesting we meet, near where he lives, would require a train journey of about 35 minutes.

Hi OP, I’m in London myself and just want to offer a different perspective!

TL: DR - think of somewhere easy to get to for you, central, with bars etc and suggest that vs being weird/hard work by trying to drag a Londoner out to a (possibly) dull bit of outer London. I’m in outer London & meet friends/date in zone 1 regularly as it’s quick & easy to get to with fun options. A few drinks does not equate trying to have a ONS

I agree that dating is a time for making an effort, and a man travelling to your area is a nice touch /shows consideration: so your thinking is not wrong

The pained face is the flag here, not his suggestion

my thinking is frankly central London has a lot more going on than the outer zones (having lived in zone 2,3, now 5 etc), and friends and I often meet/go out/go on dates around C London as it’s convenient, quick to get to, nicer places - and most people who live in London know central London so feel comfortable, safe etc there (vs going to a town you don’t know)

I was OLD last year, most men from outside London were happy to travel to my outer London area, those in London/those who knew the city (worked there etc) sometimes suggested a more central location (often because they thought of a nice place)

A courteous man SHOULD be asking what is convenient for you, but it might be that your most convenient location is smack bang in zone 1 … personally I’d rather go out around say London Bridge vs say Kilburn and I don’t think that’s strange

Suggest a central location that works for you, where you feel safe and see what happens

My view (re future dates more than this man) is make it fun (zone 2/3 doesn’t really scream fun), make it fair (so you don’t have to travel to their doorstep - but equally why should he), don’t be such hard work for a 1st meet (chances are it won’t go anywhere) - and see it as an opportunity to meet a new person and have a nice evening: which he has offered to host the bill for

If you hit it off THEN look into what efforts someone makes - until then it’s a good chance for you to discover a nice bar to go to with your friends/other dates if (as the chances are) nothing comes of this

as an example:

say you live on the jubilee line, in Kilburn

date lives eg Vauxhall

suggest you meet somewhere in zone 1, on your line, that you feel comfortable with but is a ‘bar’ area (Southwark, Bond St, whatever) and see how how your date responds

If he insists he wants you to meet on his doorstep he is saying something, but as a start point he could have been suggesting this as he can then think of a place to go . This was my experience dating: men were ok to come to a location that suits me but then couldn’t think of a venue, some suggested a decent venue but not necessarily in my area

It is true that if you live in London that tends to become your world /first thought for dating venues

I would suggest a hike up Snowdon see how keen they are then.

@WimpoleHat has nailed it 😂

OP: I lived in zone 1 through my 20s & 30s. Dates (with other Londoners, mostly living in zone 2-3) were always really central, usually around Baker St/Soho/Borough as those locations suited me, sometimes places like South Kensington, Hammersmith etc which might take me half an hour or so to get to.

What was ‘normal’ was a man looking at the tube map and finding an easy location for both with fun things and suggesting that (Or usually asking me where was good). . When I lived in zones 2-3, men asked and I suggested the easy bits of zone 1 for me to get to, not my area or the middle usually… because it was more fun/better places, and familiar for most people

When I lived in zone 1 in my 20s I would have considered Harpenden a hassle! Even though for people living there it’s a quick commute into London to work it doesn’t work the other way

This guy may be a bit selfish BUT as you live in a London, be open to dates in C London in future, in places that are easy for you, vs pushing for ‘half way’ : there is a reason people come from all over the world to see zone 1 vs say Barnet

Yeah, but that might mean I have to hike up Snowdon...

Ask where his office is, and say you are wondering if that’s a more convenient location FOR YOU

Reading the thread I think:

• he’s thinking if his convenience (this is v typical London thinking that I’ve also been guilty of)
• You might be a bit ambivalent about dating because if this other man you are thinking of and making this a barrier!

Good Luck OP! PLEASE update after the date as I’m curious now ☺️

@ToastforTea - that's all very well, but there doesn't have to be masses to do. We just need a reasonable pub or coffee shop. I don't actually want a full-on "date" where I'm expected to get really dressed up, etc.

I suggested somewhere on a direct line for both of us and I don't particularly want to have to schlep back from Zone 1 late at night on a weekday while he walks five minutes round the corner to get home.

That emoji says everything to me. Hes already getting frustrated for not getting it all his way & you havent even met yet.
That emoji creeps me out & makes me want to run a mile !

Yes, it is rather "death [to nascent relationship] by emoji". 😆

Kind of agree with those saying travelling out of central London for a date isn't the obvious choice if you are in zone 1. I live in the centre of a different European capital and no way would I head out to the suburbs for a first date unless it's for something specific that is only in that location. I think he probably has a good place in mind for your date and he has envisioned you going there with him. It sounds like he wants it to be more special than a coffee shop or a pub. If that's not what you want then tell him that but I don't think he's doing anything wrong per se.

And they all message at different points in the day of course xD

Im at the point where you don't want to come across as blunt but...

Like, normally I like to have one or two chats with someone, arrange a date and then that is it for the chatting till the date (apart from maybe a 'looking forwards to tomorrow!') The night before.

But I'm not in a city anymore I'm in a town so i dunno if that's affected it but it just continues! Blah blah blah. And I'll say 'I'm not much of a messaging fan, mind if we pick this up on the date lovely' or something but its starting to feel like kicking puppies xD

Like I don't want to message every day! I don't want to risk sitting on the date eyes staring out of the back of our heads not knowing what to say to eachother as we've chatted for a week straight.

Fucking annoying lol.
Maybe the pandemics changed things too.
Thet don't feel like time wasters necessarily. Just perhaps too needy for me.

I agree - also OP you said earlier that he has a well paid job, is working late etc...

Having been there myself, probably he has not that much free time in the week, wanted to go somewhere 'nice' (which isn't necessarily a big deal if you are on a high income) & travelling to a pub in zone 2 wasn't his first thought.

I think that he was a bit rude with the emoji, but otherwise hasn't done anything wrong per se - might be that the two or you are just incompatible!

Some cocktails followed by some cock later I expect.
I thought the advice was coffee in a public area for the first date.
He can’t be bothered to meet you half way the first time ffs - he’s a prince.

I agree. Midweek late night cocktails and travelling to near his office sounds very low effort on his part and very much YOU fitting in with HIM.

Personally I’ve always gone for the weekend daytime first dates where I can drive and park - I’m not doing public transport to someone I’ve never met! I want a pub with a car park so I can make an escape if I need to !

For any women dating in London (in case this is a standard line he uses), just received this charmer from a first date from years ago "How about a bit of dopamine and oxytocin release?" 🙄🤢

'Why are you taking me handbag shopping?'

I don't think there is standard advice on what to do on a first date. I think all of my first dates have been a glass of wine after work. I don't think a coffee in a public area has ever been suggested. Doesn't mean that they have expected me to sleep with them afterwards though. Most of them have been very respectful and walked me to the metro after then texted to make sure I got home OK. Men aren't all sexual predators just waiting to get you drunk and have their wicked way with you.

LOVE this response
😂

Meh he wants sex. It's all very transactional and low effort. You come to me, I'll pay for booze. If you want casual sex and probably a niceish dinner etc, fine, enjoy. If you want love, I don't think this date will be a good use of your time. You get a feel after years of London dating (latterly further north).

If someone is keen to make a good impression they will happily make some of the effort. What's half an hour if you're seriously looking for a relationship?

No, they're not all sex criminals and I agree that most of my dates were drinks or dinner. I actually preferred this, squeezing them in midweek rather than using weekends on first dates. However if someone CBA to leave their doorstep and it's all too much effort as in this case, it shows he's probably not got the most romantic intentions (even if nothing sinister).

I think it's more that he wants to go to a fancy central cocktail and not a pub in the suburbs than not wanting to leave his doorstep. I would have preferred that too tbh.

Also I told him I was staying with family until tomorrow evening but nevertheless he has tried phoning me twice and has sent me question marks today because I haven't replied to his message from this morning which I find a bit pushy.

I'd cancel. Sorry but it sounds like a non starter unless you simply want a few drinks and a shag. As I say, they become apparent after a while.

It's all about what he wants, when he wants it, not the possibility of getting to know someone new.

Fuck him off, don't waste any more headspace or energy on him, he's already a pain in the arse. Block and move on.