OLFD (On-line fucking dating)

[niadainud]

Trying to forget about the guy who I really like and who I think likes me but who can't seem to commit to so much as a phone call, so am trying on-line dating - but my god it's hard work.

First weeding out all the ones you don't find attractive or who aren't remotely compatible and then seeing how they negotiate the first date (which I always think of as "Date Zero").

I'm suggesting meeting halfway between where we both live, but he's lobbying for me to travel to him (central London), saying he'll buy me cocktails. Red flag? I don't even know any more what is and what isn't.

Seems nice otherwise. Hasn't tried to turn the conversation sexual or mentioned going back to his.

Any thoughts?

Well the cynics were bang on the money. He's just admitted that he's looking for a friend with benefits type arrangement with "not much engagement" "coz I'm busy".

FFS. Are there any fucking men looking for an actual fucking relationship these days?

Nope, I've tried OLD on/off for the past 5 years and only come across men that are looking for a fling, they lie to reel you in but their actions give the game away.

It's so depressing.

Honestly they're out there.

My hard earned suggestions for avoiding as much shite as possible:

You want someone keen and on a wavelength, so it doesn't feel like any kind of struggle to understand each other even at the very early stages. You'll probably go out with several of these who feel more like mates but I think that's far more a sign you're looking on the right lines than these square peg situations.

It's hard to qualify exactly and I'm not saying never give the benefit of the doubt but if you're not aligned in terns of manners, motivation, outlook and certain things like, I'd say humour and having some common ground besides work/ work ethic, and income bracket , it's a waste of time to try and make it fit.

If their manners aren't in line with yours, fuck it. I'm talking ringing all the time, poor hygiene, inconsiderate in bed, habitually late on dates, monologuing, not considering your needs

Don't compromise on distance. Pick an upper travel limit and stick to it unless you're genuinely willing to move. I don't think you mentioned ages or if you want kids but if you do, especially if in your 30s, I would stick to men without their own. It's another thing that has to go right and takes up time to establish if it will or not

My personal tip is the ones who have a focussed interest that isn't work, football, gym, a random lower income country than their own or family. Doesn't really matter what. Someone who shows they will make time for what interests them outside of themselves and their commitments (i.e. you).

I enjoy fitness, nutrition and the gym well enough so no disrespect to anyone but these things are not enough for a sole interest or personality. Not for OLD purposes. Avoid the ones online who think they are.

Worked for me, second time around and happy as a pig in shit with him years later.

Trust your gut and have a laugh with it. Meet quickly, keep it brief and sack it off at the first sniff of nonsense. That way you're not feeling like you're wasting time and getting ground down. It can work I promise!

You've done nothing wrong OP.

I think the apps have gone a bit weird/mental over the last few years and there are a lot of "types" like this...not even having a basic level of courtesy, but expecting women to agree to a casual situation when they know that isn't what they are looking for.

(There's something really predatory and dehumanising about it as well - they try to hook attractive women in with a bit of normal social contact/love bombing then change the format.

They can just say in their first message so you can make an informed decision and politely move on - no need to try to manipulate or trick people).

I think like pps say it's best to be 100% ruthless with anyone who is a "little bit" off.

Even if you find it slows down a lot! It's time consuming and energy sapping otherwise.

Some situations you can give people the benefit of the doubt but not the apps at this point in time.

I had a peek around the apps recently, loads of dross, one "ok" contact, he cancelled on the day we'd planned to meet due to "sickness"...it annoyed me so I just let it go. So no meets!

(seemed a bit calculated...was a Friday meet, and it felt like he'd just decided he CBA or thought he got a better offer for the weekend so wanted me on the back burner....).

Nope. Get together with this guy and he'll ultimately expect you to wash his socks because he's busy and important with his Big Job.

There are loads of us

They all just want sex.

Unfortunately OP the ‘too busy for a relationship but always time for a shag’ brigade are all over OLD.

Im sure there’s a rare gem and others have been very lucky to find that needle in a haystack of a good guy who really does want something more but it’s like wading through the local tip to find that one tiny diamond.

Pay for the apps. Use no more than two and set the filters harshly.

So many women don't want to pay for it, but at what, let's say £30 a month, that's like two drinks in London. You're investing in yourself and, frankly, your pension, getting out of the singles tax and other benefits you get from a relationship.

With the filters, be brutal with age as you'd hope there are fewer time wasters the maturer you get etc etc A 28 year old is more likely a fuck boy than a 35 year old etc

In my own experience, paid apps are worse. Full of narcissists and creepy men who never left their parents. I'd rather risk the tinder 'only want fun' brigade any day.

My dad also says that men on paid apps still only want sex, they just want it from a better quality of women. But imo the guys on paid dating are more likely to want more than sex...but nit relationships, they're on the full con. They want your friggin house, money, soul and servitude.

Unfortunately, the tinder cesspit is the lesser of all the evils imo.

Hi OP,

I think online dating IS confusing! You are getting lots of messages and signs that you have to interpret. That alone, can be exhausting, and even bewildering. In real life, one also gets serious, conscious and subliminal messages, but they are fewer, and it is more straightforward.

The fact that he invited you back to his place on the second date is unfortunately a big red flag.

The way I look at it, is that the only real way of knowing is time. Taking things slowly always. Not going to each other’s home straight away. Not having sex straightaway. Listening to what they say. Their opinions. How their last relationship ended. See if you’re having fun. See if you’re feeling relaxed. Do they respect you? Find your opinions and ideas, interesting and valuable? Or are there a couple of digs? These are the bottom-lines going forward. And it can take time to see - for the man as well – he may feel equally rushed by hormones.

I am probably a lot older than you OP in my 60s, and I wished I’d realised some of this when I did online dating 20 years ago. I also met the arrogant “I’ve got a good job types”. Don’t let yourself feel inferior (and if you do, maybe work on that, but arrogant types are best kept away from anyway plus they’re usually weirdos in actual fact).

No. They. Don't.