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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

8 years single and miserable

177 replies

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 02:42

I'm a desperately unhappy and lonely man, just venting here really. Ever since my divorce 8 years ago I have been without a partner. In that time I've had 2 dates which were complete non-events. I have tried absolutely everything, from OLD to Meet-Up to asking friends to set me up.

My now 9 year old daughter is even starting to think it weird and I'm now afraid she'll start thinking of me as a loser when she figures out how useless I am. I am clearly uglier than I had ever thought myself to be but as a 45 year old man I seem to have absolutely nothing to offer a woman.

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 16/04/2024 02:46

I think the issue is 2 dates in 8 years. Why the low number?

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 02:52

Guavafish1 · 16/04/2024 02:46

I think the issue is 2 dates in 8 years. Why the low number?

Simply put, no one is interested. On OLD I never get a single like or match. IRL women are just totally uninterested in me.

I do have some things going against me: I'm ugly; I'm not tall; I don't drive and I have a basic job. But I'm intelligent, funny, kind and I have a good chunk of money from a house sale.

I don't really know what else I can do anymore. I wouldn't expect to be inundated with women but the most awful men on Earth get some interest once in a while.

OP posts:
CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 16/04/2024 03:05

calm down; first off ugly is a personality trait. i've never seen anyone who is physically hideous and totally unappealing to someone. so many simple things to help on this front, hair cut, shave at the barber, take care of your nails and hands and make sure your clothing fit well and are clean. be healthy (which may mean some work on your mental health) cook and eat well expand your skill set in this area.
next having a 9 year old really isn't the right time to have random people in her life, try and reframe this as a great time for the two of you, fit in tons of cool things are there things you and her can get involved in together? wood working plumbing, tile setting make sure she knows the basics of car maintenance (yes she can put in windshield washer fluid etc.) biking together check out all the villages in the uk in alphabetical order. surely you can come up with some idea of something cool.
next when you least expect it when you are content and full to the brim with interesting father-daughter experiences you will meet someone.
during the divorce process were there any hints as to areas where you can focus so that you don't meet the wrong types and repeat the unhealthy relationship.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 16/04/2024 03:15

stop moaning about being ugly really that's silly.
short, plenty of shorter women and plenty of women who don't care.
say hello please and make decent chit chat in the grocery store.
if you're depressed get help, if you drink stop (doesn't help your whining).
hobby? what interests do you have? other than having a woman by your side what would you like to try? photography? ice skating? italian cooking?
honestly when you are happy and comfortable in your skin someone will pick up on that and happily spend time with you.
why don't you drive? i'm in canada and really that is almost unheard of and in alberta youngsters aged 14 can get their learners permit? do you own a scooter or e-bike?

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 03:16

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 16/04/2024 03:05

calm down; first off ugly is a personality trait. i've never seen anyone who is physically hideous and totally unappealing to someone. so many simple things to help on this front, hair cut, shave at the barber, take care of your nails and hands and make sure your clothing fit well and are clean. be healthy (which may mean some work on your mental health) cook and eat well expand your skill set in this area.
next having a 9 year old really isn't the right time to have random people in her life, try and reframe this as a great time for the two of you, fit in tons of cool things are there things you and her can get involved in together? wood working plumbing, tile setting make sure she knows the basics of car maintenance (yes she can put in windshield washer fluid etc.) biking together check out all the villages in the uk in alphabetical order. surely you can come up with some idea of something cool.
next when you least expect it when you are content and full to the brim with interesting father-daughter experiences you will meet someone.
during the divorce process were there any hints as to areas where you can focus so that you don't meet the wrong types and repeat the unhealthy relationship.

Without wanting to sound difficult, the main two areas you bring up are not issues.

My hair cut is fine, I am clean and healthy and I cook good food for myself, and my daughter. I mean I'm not exactly the most fashionable human being alive but my clothes are fine.

Also I already do loads of fun stuff with my daughter, our relationship isn't missing anything like that. The only issue we have (well it's not an issue really) is that she is increasingly confused as to why she has never known me to have a girlfriend. I don't like lying to her and telling her that "I'm just not looking right now", but whenever she brings it up a little piece of me just dies. I really do now feel like detritus.

OP posts:
Telemakus · 16/04/2024 03:54

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 16/04/2024 03:15

stop moaning about being ugly really that's silly.
short, plenty of shorter women and plenty of women who don't care.
say hello please and make decent chit chat in the grocery store.
if you're depressed get help, if you drink stop (doesn't help your whining).
hobby? what interests do you have? other than having a woman by your side what would you like to try? photography? ice skating? italian cooking?
honestly when you are happy and comfortable in your skin someone will pick up on that and happily spend time with you.
why don't you drive? i'm in canada and really that is almost unheard of and in alberta youngsters aged 14 can get their learners permit? do you own a scooter or e-bike?

I don't drive because I wouldn't be a very safe driver. I have had lessons but I would rather not endanger other people knowing this to be the case. I walk most places and the public transport where I live is excellent.

I like to do many things from touring Baroque churches in London, to walking on the South Downs. My main hobby at the moment is writing. A story I started writing for my daughter has turned into half of the first draft for a full length children's book. It is that which occupies any spare hour I get here and there.

OP posts:
CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 16/04/2024 04:06

since i'm not willing to concede that physical features or height are a genuine drawback.
do you think you need help working on your outlook or your self confidence?
and that might mean a therapist to help you along.

Guavafish1 · 16/04/2024 04:06

I argue, ugly is a mind set.

It's going to be difficult to find someone to fit into you're set up without being flexible. This could be difficult when you have a young child to care and look after.

I think your main obstacle is not driving, this might hinders the ability to date unless you live in an area with good transport links.

Dating is a numbers game... the more people you ask on a date... the more chance you'll have meeting a partner.

If you genuinely want to meet someone, then I would suggest ask more people out on dates online and maybe join walking club or writers/book group to meet more people.

Aswellisnotoneword · 16/04/2024 04:08

You need at least one hobby (or your daughter does, so you can take her) that will see you out and about, mixing with lots of similarly aged people. Preferably other parents.

Do you have any friends who have been successful with OLD? Get them to take a look at your profile and help you work on opening lines.

FreeTheBeast · 16/04/2024 04:14

Have you got male friends?

Do you belong to any groups? Walking groups? Book clubs? Sports? If you aren't mixing with people then it's going to be hard to meet people.

Opentooffers · 16/04/2024 04:15

Your interest is niche, I can't see Baroque Church tours as a common interest.
Also, from what you say of driving, you sound quite timid and lacking in confidence, which holds you back maybe.

Rania78 · 16/04/2024 04:19

Hmmm, there is no such thing as ugly people. Everyone has a target group. I think your issue may lie in your confidence. Get some therapy and build it.
chances are you have been so busy all these years with your daughter that you didn’t have time to focus on a relationship.
From what you say you seem to have all the basics. Clean, a basic job, clothing, all good. Just build some confidence and get out therr. You sound a really sweet man. I would date you for sure.

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 04:21

Guavafish1 · 16/04/2024 04:06

I argue, ugly is a mind set.

It's going to be difficult to find someone to fit into you're set up without being flexible. This could be difficult when you have a young child to care and look after.

I think your main obstacle is not driving, this might hinders the ability to date unless you live in an area with good transport links.

Dating is a numbers game... the more people you ask on a date... the more chance you'll have meeting a partner.

If you genuinely want to meet someone, then I would suggest ask more people out on dates online and maybe join walking club or writers/book group to meet more people.

I'm.not the primary carer for my daughter, I have plenty of time to date if the opportunity arose.

Ugly.might be a mind-set but it's also a reality for some people. If there are objectively beautiful people there are necessarily their opposite. I know looks aren't everything as I have had relationships before but at this age I simply can never get any woman to want to start getting to know me.

I used to run our local meetup.com social group so I met dozens of single women upto the beginning of last year. When one woman called me ugly to my face I stepped away from it and haven't been back.

OP posts:
SheepAndSword · 16/04/2024 04:22

That was incredibly rude of the woman

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 04:26

Opentooffers · 16/04/2024 04:15

Your interest is niche, I can't see Baroque Church tours as a common interest.
Also, from what you say of driving, you sound quite timid and lacking in confidence, which holds you back maybe.

The Baroque Church thing was an example of a broad interest in art and literature, which only came to mind because I was wandering about some Wren churches last weekend.

I'm not at all timid believe me. But I know my mind wanders more than most people's and I'm not willing to put other people at risk. If only more people would do that as I see examples of terrible driving every day.

OP posts:
Telemakus · 16/04/2024 04:29

SheepAndSword · 16/04/2024 04:22

That was incredibly rude of the woman

It was and if I'm honest it has really knocked my confidence ever since. That it went hand in hand with the loss of much of my social life hasn't helped.

OP posts:
UndecidedAboutEverything · 16/04/2024 04:37

Someone liked you well enough once to marry you, so I doubt you’re an entirely unlovable ogre!

Luck plays a big role in dating, especially in a vast anonymous place like London.

Oh and remember we did all spend a few years basically locked inside during Covid, so that won’t have helped.

Do you think you are a little bit clinically depressed?

When I have felt down about my appearance and appeal, I have always always felt better once I radically increase the amount of exercise I do. It sounds like you enjoy walking - hiking is a good group hobby already. But I’m talking about getting properly fit - not a bad idea in your mid 40s anyway.

Men in their 40s tend to lose that god-like beauty that draws women like flies, but I’m telling you that just evens up the playing field.

So what is your dating USP? How do you market yourself? If you don’t have “kerbside appeal” then maybe you need to get some. If you go on the mumsnet Property section, you’ll find dozens of threads where people ask why their house isn’t selling, and everyone critiques their Rightmove ads. It’s absolutely fascinating that the homeowner often can’t see what’s wrong - the drab view of the front garden which doesn’t show how you get to the garage, the weird angle on the photo of the kitchen, the missing crucial detail in the blurb.

If your face isn’t your biggest asset … a beard? Or distract your target market with a drool-worthy set of abs. A good body ALWAYS serves you well in the dating market and women will notice. As you age, and the women around you age too, an obvious point but we aren’t all brimming with confidence in our late 40s. So what your face looks like is of less and less importance. My delightful widowed neighbour found a partner who has a vast snowy white beard that covers what’s missing in his facial looks, I assume, but he has a physical job and definitely ticks all the other boxes in terms of body and personality. So…Workout and get yourself into a lean shape. Your 50-year old self will thank you anyway.

Let your daughter reach her teen years utterly baffled that her gorgeous, funny, fit dad has stayed single (if you still are by then). She won’t judge you, she will just love you.

Oh and the little white lie is fine - your daughter doesn’t need to know you feel bad about being single. Does she pick up on how lonely you feel, do you think? You can just say with there’s only room for one lady in your life right now, and that’s her, but you’ll think about finding someone.

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 04:50

FreeTheBeast · 16/04/2024 04:14

Have you got male friends?

Do you belong to any groups? Walking groups? Book clubs? Sports? If you aren't mixing with people then it's going to be hard to meet people.

I do have male friends.

One of them had a great time OLD but he is good looking. I know this is why because I once swapped my photos for a couple of his for a few hours (with his permission of course) to test it out and, hey presto, suddenly I was getting likes. More likes in a couple of hours than I'd get in a couple of years.This really is not rocket science.

OP posts:
SheepAndSword · 16/04/2024 04:53

Have you got any female friends/colleagues/sister to give you feedback on the pics you're using?

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 04:56

SheepAndSword · 16/04/2024 04:53

Have you got any female friends/colleagues/sister to give you feedback on the pics you're using?

Not really but to be honest I know they're terrible. I simply cannot take a photo of myself that isn't horrible to look at.

OP posts:
Aswellisnotoneword · 16/04/2024 04:57

You seem pretty fixated on the looks thing.

Remember, half of the population is below average. Many are in relationships anyway.

I'm sure you can get some photos which put you in a good light. You just need to get over the hurdle of finding matches, then your personality will come to the fore.

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 05:00

Aswellisnotoneword · 16/04/2024 04:57

You seem pretty fixated on the looks thing.

Remember, half of the population is below average. Many are in relationships anyway.

I'm sure you can get some photos which put you in a good light. You just need to get over the hurdle of finding matches, then your personality will come to the fore.

Zero genuine matches in 7+ years of, admittedly on-off, attempts at OLD is a pretty big hurdle.

OP posts:
Asurvivor · 16/04/2024 05:16

I agree you seem fixated on your looks. The problem with OLD is that your photo is really important as you might have a great personality, but the women you are interested in can’t see that yet. Think of yourself as a house that you are trying to sell, you would get the most flattering pictures of the house because the most important thing is attracting some viewings (or dates in your case). When I was OLD, I saw that a lot of men had really poor photos - selfies from bad angles, poorly lit, strange settings (its me in the hallway!). So get a female friend to review your OLD profile, there may be some things that are putting off women and can be fixed.

If you don’t want the bother of the house viewing approach to dating, then best to join a group like a walking group, and get to know people slowly and on your own terms.

Good luck and get out there!

SheepAndSword · 16/04/2024 05:28

Well you certainly have some enjoyment in life like time spent with your daughter, your friends and your interests, so it's not 100% miserable.

Any friends' girlfriends/wives who can give you some feedback?

aurynne · 16/04/2024 05:34

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 05:00

Zero genuine matches in 7+ years of, admittedly on-off, attempts at OLD is a pretty big hurdle.

@Telemakus, photos in OLD are crucial to get women to "like" you, not by showing you as an incredibly good looking man(it helps, as it does in women too, but it's not essential), but to show you as the normal person you are, engaged in different activities.

I would strongly recommend you to get a female friend with a good camera phone and get some decent photos of yourself that are not selfies. Photos in nature looking natural are great. By the sea. Wearing smart-casual clothes. It is very, very important, because way too meny men show a profile photo that is a close-up selfie, and they make any normal-looking man look like a serial killer.

I live in New Zealand and there's no way I can know you, or anyone you know, and I have been told I am very good at recommending photos and what to say in profiles. Normal guys are not very good at figuring what to say about themselves, and it's so crucial to get a good first impression that gets you likes!

If I could be of help to you with any of that you're welcome to message me privately, sometimes having a total stranger helping without judging can be very useful.