Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

8 years single and miserable

177 replies

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 02:42

I'm a desperately unhappy and lonely man, just venting here really. Ever since my divorce 8 years ago I have been without a partner. In that time I've had 2 dates which were complete non-events. I have tried absolutely everything, from OLD to Meet-Up to asking friends to set me up.

My now 9 year old daughter is even starting to think it weird and I'm now afraid she'll start thinking of me as a loser when she figures out how useless I am. I am clearly uglier than I had ever thought myself to be but as a 45 year old man I seem to have absolutely nothing to offer a woman.

OP posts:
Leah5678 · 16/04/2024 09:00

Op you sound like a great guy. As your daughter gets older she will appreciate her dad not rushing into relationships with a constant stream of new step mothers.
I'm sure you'll find a nice woman one day getting out there and socialising and mixing. Although I was single for years so I understand its easier said than done

Member968405 · 16/04/2024 09:02

I don’t have useful advice on the main topic, but I wanted to say: I’m grateful to you for not driving if you don’t think you’d be safe.

It’s the people who don’t understand that or think every human should be capable of driving that I object to.

no way should that be a barrier to a relationship!

Good luck to you 💕

Lagoony · 16/04/2024 09:03

In a lot of these sorts of things people are limited by their own idea of themselves and how things are. That woman at the meetup was wrong to call you ugly. There is no situation where it is helpful to call someone ugly, and the only motivation I can think of was to put you down or make herself feel better. It's a shame this has clouded your perception of yourself but you need to find a way to forget about that and find proof that you aren't ugly.
You have been given some good advice on this thread where people have suggested getting help with taking your photos. Someone suggested photos in nice places, like if you have a holiday or day trip somewhere. Another thing to take into consideration is that your photos don't just communicate your looks but they communjcate your demeanor and the way you behave in the world. If a man just has photos at home/at a pub/ on a beach holiday I'm not as interested. If he has photos in a wider variety of places and with evidence of socialising and being interesting then that's more attractive (to me but i bet other women too).

Online dating is not for the faint hearted though, it's brutal even when you're young and very attractive. There are benefits to being a man though, a lot of men on online dating are awful so as long as you're not an horrible person, you're already better than many. I've done it on and off throughout my 20s and into my early 30s (in a relationship now) and I'm slim and reasonably attractive (woman) and I had a hard time finding someone as the chances of high compatibility are low each time you meet, because every person is different and it isn't just about looks there are countless factors that come into it, so as PP have said you need to maximise numbers by putting your best self forward so you can have a high number of short, casual coffee dates and see if any of them progress onto anything.

FoodCentre · 16/04/2024 09:04

nfkl · 16/04/2024 08:42

You probably swipe right above your weight, OP, that’s why you get no matches.

limited empathy from me.

That's quite a big assumption. Op hasn't expressed any preference (from what I've read) and it sounds like he's beyond dc being fussy and just wants to connect with a woman at this point.

PollySolo · 16/04/2024 09:04

Telemakus · 16/04/2024 04:21

I'm.not the primary carer for my daughter, I have plenty of time to date if the opportunity arose.

Ugly.might be a mind-set but it's also a reality for some people. If there are objectively beautiful people there are necessarily their opposite. I know looks aren't everything as I have had relationships before but at this age I simply can never get any woman to want to start getting to know me.

I used to run our local meetup.com social group so I met dozens of single women upto the beginning of last year. When one woman called me ugly to my face I stepped away from it and haven't been back.

Edited

With respect, OP, if every woman who had her appearance publicly criticised by a man dropped out of dating, the human race would end. Absolutely it hurts, and I’m not unsympathetic, but it happens.

IfIwasrude · 16/04/2024 09:08

What's wrong with you that you couldn't drive?

I think this is a huge problem. It would mean always having to give you lifts or accommodate bus time tables. I think it's that.

Seaoftroubles · 16/04/2024 09:12

OP, ignore the ugly comment, beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyway, and she just revealed her ugly personality by saying that. Also women are much more harshly judged on their looks but we just have to get on with it!

samestyle · 16/04/2024 09:14

Be more open to swiping on someone that isn't too dolled up could it be your aiming too high? definitely someone close to you so you don't have issues with travelling. You have been in a relationship in the past so it can happen again. Are you being respectful to women in real life, honestly? it's very unusual for someone to call you ugly without an argument, although it still an awful thing to say!

FlowersInAFlowerBed · 16/04/2024 09:18

It's not the driving I don't drive and it's never stopped people being interested in me 🙄

MissyB1 · 16/04/2024 09:19

Personally I would forget the dating apps, and get more “out there” there socially. Join some hobby groups/classes, not with the intent of hooking up with someone, more to make life fulfilling and improve your confidence.

I have a ds 29 years old, single and keen to meet someone. He’s taken up a couple of sports, and just gets out and does stuff. He’s currently on holiday by himself in Spain, he’s having a great time. I appreciate he’s much younger than you, but the principle is the same.

MyBigBounty · 16/04/2024 09:42

FlowersInAFlowerBed · 16/04/2024 09:18

It's not the driving I don't drive and it's never stopped people being interested in me 🙄

But how can you declare that's not part of the issue? In London, grew people would care. If you're living further out of a city centre and are dependent on lifts/taxis/the rare bus, it's a different ballgame. Some places have a culture of driving, so not being able to can be off putting, especially if it's a man who can't drive.

I say this as someone with a license who doesn't own a car and uses the bus, so it wouldn't bother me. But it certainly depends

PollySolo · 16/04/2024 09:46

MyBigBounty · 16/04/2024 09:42

But how can you declare that's not part of the issue? In London, grew people would care. If you're living further out of a city centre and are dependent on lifts/taxis/the rare bus, it's a different ballgame. Some places have a culture of driving, so not being able to can be off putting, especially if it's a man who can't drive.

I say this as someone with a license who doesn't own a car and uses the bus, so it wouldn't bother me. But it certainly depends

But I assume the OP is in London, as he mentions a London pub meet-up and wandering around the Wren churches…?

MyBigBounty · 16/04/2024 09:47

I definitely agree with pp who said very few people are totally hideous, so I doubt you're ugly. And then, even people who weren't blessed in the looks department or have medical abnormalities, sometimes still find someone because they have an energy that attracts people.

You're just a regular looking bloke, probably. That woman sounds rude and nasty, she clearly never grew up past age 14. It's not a reflection on you - anyone who calls others ugly as a grown adult is an idiot an should be ignored.

MyBigBounty · 16/04/2024 09:49

But I assume the OP is in London, as he mentions a London pub meet-up and wandering around the Wren churches…?

He also said he likes to walk on the South Downs, so I'm not sure we can say he lives in London for certain

Might just be a weekend trip

PollySolo · 16/04/2024 09:51

MyBigBounty · 16/04/2024 09:49

But I assume the OP is in London, as he mentions a London pub meet-up and wandering around the Wren churches…?

He also said he likes to walk on the South Downs, so I'm not sure we can say he lives in London for certain

Might just be a weekend trip

Maybe, though I used to walk parts of the South Downs Way quite often when I lived in London.

arethereanyleftatall · 16/04/2024 09:54

On OLD, who are you swiping right on, hoping to match?

My experience, many men swipe on women who aren't a level match (as far as you can tell only from a profile) and then have something negative on their profile about no one matching them.

mumonthehill · 16/04/2024 09:54

Stop focusing on meeting women and start focusing on meeting new friends. Broaden your social circle and then let whatever come of it what it will. A father happy and engaged with friends and a hobby is much more interesting than one chasing a girlfriend. I think no one is ugly but build your self esteem as that will endear people to you.

SugaryKrush · 16/04/2024 09:55

Keep quiet about your chunk of money . You want someone to be with you for you . There are gold diggers about .

arethereanyleftatall · 16/04/2024 09:58

Op. I find your comment about your dd wondering why your single very strange. I'm single. Completely through choice because I prefer it. Your comments to her seem to be suggesting it's a negative thing, which I really don't think is a good message for girls, because they then end up thinking a relationship, any relationship, is success and then end up in miserable relationships with men they barely like, when the reality is that they would be much happier single.

beAsensible1 · 16/04/2024 10:03

Get a hobby, have something going for you that’s outside of the daily drudgery.

it’s also a way to practice your people skills. It is a bit odd to have no matches at all. What are your parameters on OLD, some people come off better in person.

get a friend to look at your profile and give you some honest feedback

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 16/04/2024 10:04

It could be your mindset, while your sat saying your ugly you won't attract because your not happy with yourself.
Be happy by yourself and with yourself and you will attract and im sure your not ugly! You sound like a intelligent lovely man.

And don't mention money while dating, you want someone who loves you for whom you are not how much £££ you have.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 16/04/2024 10:05

How old are you anyway? Maybe OLD isn't the right app for you?

Hadjab · 16/04/2024 10:17

nfkl · 16/04/2024 08:42

You probably swipe right above your weight, OP, that’s why you get no matches.

limited empathy from me.

Well, that's a bitchy response.

CactusMactus · 16/04/2024 10:20

Get some botox and have your teeth whitened.
Get a professional photograph taken with a dog. Apparently men with dogs are more appealing!
Or just get a dog....

EBearhug · 16/04/2024 10:41

The lack of driving will definitely put some women off - my last boyfriend became blind as an adult, which he didn't mention on his profile (that also put people off,) but it was a factor in deciding where to meet people, and some turned round at that point and said if he couldn't drive, they weren't interested. It should be less of an issue if you're in London though.

There are loads of men with appalling photos on OLD. Given that it's the first thing you see on OLD, it is important - I'm not going to read the profile if the picture is bad. Blurry pics, half the head cut off, someone else's arm (possibly wife/girlfriend) poorly photoshopped out, angled up the nostrils, in front of an untidy, unmade bed, in front of the loo, group photo with no indication of which one is the person in the profile... it's like they've all forgotten they're using mobile phones and can just take another ph²oto.

Often the bad photos come with a profile comment complaining no one on OLD is serious/no one reads the profile (yes, women do, even if men don't,)/they're going to come off if no one responds. There's rarely any hint that they've reflected on their profile and whether someone would find it at all appealing.

On OLD, I want someone who will enhance my life, not use me as a prop because they're lonely. They should already have a full life - I'm middle-aged, I don't want to mother someone. If there are never scheduling issues because of family/other friends/activities, that would put me off - obviously if it meant we can't meet at all, that would also be problematic, but there's often one evening we can both do, or meet a bit later after my language class, or a lunchtime or I'm not busy every weekend. Yet I have matched men online who seem to think I'll be available at any time they suggest. There are also some men in their 50s and older (maybe younger,) who are basically looking for a housemaid who will entertain in the bedroom, and potentially be a nurse maid if it lasts - no hint of what they're offering the woman.

If you really want to meet more women, then the idea of a book club, as mentioned upthread, or dance classes are good, as there's likely to be more women there - but you need to show an interest in it. If people think you're there just for finding dates, you'll not be welcome.

I've been single more of my adult life than not. It hasn't stopped me doing a whole load of things, or travelling half the world - I just had to get on with things. Otherwise I'd have done nothing in my life. Yes, I'd have liked much more sex, but being single hasn't stopped me with much else, and I think that makes me a better date now. (There maybe those who disagree, but who cares? Life would be dull if we were all the same.)

OLD is brutal for men and women- but in different ways. Male friends on OLD do get less interest than I do, and in at least one case, women are missing out - so I don't think it's just you. But giving up won't get you any dates. It is fine to stop dating, but if you do, you have to get the most out of everything else you do, and accept thst you will sometimes feel lonely- but people can feel lonely in relationships, too. It won't always cure everything.

Swipe left for the next trending thread