8 years single and miserable

[Telemakus]

I'm a desperately unhappy and lonely man, just venting here really. Ever since my divorce 8 years ago I have been without a partner. In that time I've had 2 dates which were complete non-events. I have tried absolutely everything, from OLD to Meet-Up to asking friends to set me up.

My now 9 year old daughter is even starting to think it weird and I'm now afraid she'll start thinking of me as a loser when she figures out how useless I am. I am clearly uglier than I had ever thought myself to be but as a 45 year old man I seem to have absolutely nothing to offer a woman.

Love your name

I’m guessing since your first post you have been inundated with dms asking to see your picture, only to be told you’re not actually ugly. Am I right?
Have you discovered Mumsnet is an effective free dating platform?

Nope, not a single one.

Just had to say good luck with the book, I thought you were interested in Greece, the name gave it away, wasn't Telemakus the son of Odysseus.

He was and is one of the main characters in my story.

Thank you for the best wishes.

I hate reading the harshness of some people on here.
You needed kindness, a hand hold and some relatability.

I don't think it's weird you've been single for a long time. Plenty of my friends have been, including the very attractive ones, and not through choice. I hear you feel miserable about it. It's not a nice feeling when love and companionship is what you would like to have. It is totally normal to long for that afterall

As your daughter has noticed it could be a fantastic opportunity to tell her that you would love to meet someone, but the right person hasn't come along yet and that it is okay to wait for the right person. It will maybe give her the confidence that she wouldn't need to rush into anything in her future because other people were, and to take time to find the right person.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you.

I have a thick enough skin but I think were I female I would have had a few different responses.

I couldn't agree with this more!

I'm biased - I'm long-term single, by circumstance really, and now have zero intention of dating again. Once I realised the effort of finding a partner was deeply unlikely to bring sufficient rewards, I reset my expectations and got on with being single. So, in effect, I'm now single by choice and will not be changing that.

I'm often surprised by people's need to be with someone, as if they're incomplete human beings. I think satisfactory singledom is an excellent thing to teach young people, so they never feel the "lack" which drives some to settle for poor relationships. If you are whole, you'll only contemplate partnerships that truly enhance your life. I hope I'm making some sort of sense!

Anyway, you sound like an OK guy. I agree with you that online dating has elevated superficial appearances as a selection criterion. It always has been, of course, but, back when we met our potential dates in real life, presence and personality had a much bigger impact on our perceptions of a person. One of my best-loved friends is quite strikingly ugly. He's a fantastic bloke whose wife is a real catch by any metric. They met at a football event; I can't imagine they would've found each other by swiping through photos.

You're doing the right things, by the sound of it! Please don't let that daft woman's remark undermine your confidence, certainly not to the extent that you avoid socialising. You've evidently got plenty to offer as a person. Just keep going out in the world, and give your time to those (of either sex) who have something to offer you.

If your self-esteem seems a bit shaky on evaluation, one or two sessions with a therapist would help you to fix it.

Walking groups and choirs - things there are lots of women at. And if you get into the subject -you aren’t looking for a relationship as you are concentrating on your daughter at the moment . That takes any tension out of the situation -and women will admire you putting Dd first.

OP, I’ve noticed a few women rizzing/chatting you up on this thread and you’ve given ALL of them the brush-off You’ve answered their questions and the conversation ended. Try asking some questions back, social skills are a two-way street.

This might be unhelpful, and it’s meant kindly, but I’m also detecting neurodivergence (unable to drive - dyspraxia; writing an entire chapter of your book - hyperfocus). I believe there are ND dating sites which might be worth investigation?

Good luck!

I'm afraid your diagnoses are wide of the mark. I don't have any kind of dyspraxia - my issue with driving is the opposite of hyperfocus, it's that my mind wanders too much.

Well, that’s also a ND trait! You can be hyper focused on one thing and unable to focus on something else. It’s called interest-based focus.

Anyway, I’m not diagnosing you, but I am giving you a different perspective. I know loads of ND people who struggle massively with dating, because of the double-empathy problem. This might or might not be you.

When you are on dating apps are you only swiping on attractive women?

What is you opening line typically?

I'm no longer single but I'm very good at dating. It might be my one skill. Lol

If you want profile help or conversation help I'm here.

Who knows? Maybe I'm High Functioning Autistic. If I ever manage to acquire an NHS appointment again I'll mention it

Thank you

I swipe on all types of women.

You have to match to send an opening message so I cannot tell you what mine typically would be.

Hi OP, I've read your messages and most of the replies and just wanted to add my '2 pence' if I may!
You come across in your messages as an articulate, interesting man with wide and varied interests, all plus points in my opinion!
When I was OLD it was brutal, you're right. To set the scene I'm a middle aged podgy single mum with a disability meaning I use a walking stick or wheelchair. However much we all love to pretend that everyone accepts everyone else, we also know that's not true. Being who I am would & did make me a 'non swipe' for a lot of men.
I met my DP of 3 years online. He doesn't drive (he, like I , has ADHD and he didn't feel he could concentrate safely enough to drive, I agree!) I do the driving. Neither of us are 'beautiful' in the traditional sense but what genuinely attracted me to my DP was his sense of humour & positive outlook. I remember his bio being funny yet open and was, without a doubt, the best one I'd read! I suppose what I'm trying to say is that if you want to be in a relationship you come across as someone who has a lot to offer. It's clear that woman's comment has deeply affected you and I can understand why. I was called some unrepeatable things whilst OLD due to my disability (I'm sure you can imagine) and it did for a while shatter my confidence. Please don't 'give up'. As for photos, get a friend to help. Ask for their honest feedback on your current profile pictures- I'm sure there's someone in your life who would help you.
I just wanted to show you that there is 'a lid for every pot' as my Mum would say! I'm 46 now and finally in a happy & healthy relationship with a non-driving 50 year old. Good luck OP

Give up on OLD. Ofcourse looks matter on there. Its the first thing you see. Only a very few people would ago ahead if they are not attracted to what they see.
Try focusing on meeting women IRL. I think people are more likely to go for someone in front of them that has charmed them already even though that same person would have been rejected on OLD.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad you had your happy ending.

You’ve had a lot of advice here but I think what you need to do is ‘get out more’ and definitely join some groups and share your interests. Eg a walking group or a gym or the local history group. Just meet people in a natural setting where they can just get to know you.

There's no such thing as ugly OP. I dated a man who had half his face caved-in due to a birth deformity. But his warmth and bright personality shone through.

'I really do now feel like detritus' - This is the real issue. If you feel like this, you'll be sending this vibe out to potential dates. You need to start by loving yourself. I suggest therapy to build your self-esteem.

@Telemakus Your book sounds great, l loved Greek mythology as a child ( still do!) and so did my children. Good luck with it! I definitely think you should join a book club, it's mostly women who attend and you'd probably enjoy it. Ditto Art classes, mostly women again.
The post from @Hoppymclimpy was spot on and so inspiring, unlike a lot of men women do read the profiles so make sure yours is funny, light hearted and interesting. Also, could you pick a site where you don't have to swipe to match so you can write to anyone who's profile you like? Pof used to be like that for example but not sure that format still exists. All the best to you, don't give up, there is a someone out there for you l'm sure.

What about a good old fashioned dating agency? They do still exist apparently.

Recently I dated a guy who I thought was really sweet, really attractive and had the most beautiful eyes. He wasn’t conventionally handsome, but I thought he was great. Getting older, I value kindness & respect more - he was all that.

However, he thought he was ugly, a failure and was really down on himself, it just brought me down. I ended it, kindly.

My point is it was his gloom & not his looks that put me off but sadly regardless of what I said, it was certainly a self fulfilling prophecy and he is probably still sat there thinking he’s a ugly failure 🤦🏻‍♀️.

Another person doesn't complete you or make you more. It is better to be on your own rather than with the wrong person.

OLD is perhaps not for sensitive history and art enthusiasts. Whenever I have looked at friends apps, all the men seem to be very extrovert and have quite broad interests in popular areas.

Join local groups related to an interest and take the romantic pressure off new interactions - you say you are lonely so more friends who make you feel seen and validated may be helpful. Widen your social circle into places where you will find people who will value and appreciate you.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Everybody else isn't better or happier - just accepting what they have and making the best of it.

OLD is perhaps not for sensitive history and art enthusiasts.

Bollocks. I'm a history graduate and I spend a lot of spare time in art galleries and museums, and I've met some wonderful men on OLD. (Also some nutters, but that's OLD for you.)