8 years single and miserable

[Telemakus]

I'm a desperately unhappy and lonely man, just venting here really. Ever since my divorce 8 years ago I have been without a partner. In that time I've had 2 dates which were complete non-events. I have tried absolutely everything, from OLD to Meet-Up to asking friends to set me up.

My now 9 year old daughter is even starting to think it weird and I'm now afraid she'll start thinking of me as a loser when she figures out how useless I am. I am clearly uglier than I had ever thought myself to be but as a 45 year old man I seem to have absolutely nothing to offer a woman.

I agree with this. I find it odd that you would even be discussing your dating life with a 9 year old.
Your post comes across very 'woe is me'. No woman is interested in negativity.
I'd focus on yourself, get new hobbies, work out (good for mental health) listen to some inspiring podcasts, travel etc. Once you love and have confidence in yourself then try dating. It would probably be a bonus if you did learn to drive. Women are not going to fix you, you have to do it yourself.

A couple of things from someone who has been single for over 3 years now. Honestly, don't use OLD. I gave up on that ages ago. Whether we like it or not, OLD is often about how someone looks initially because photos are all people have to go on. I'm late 40s now and looks are much further down my list of wants in a man. I also would not be worrying about your daughter thinking you are weird or a loser just because you are single. I now choose to be single and so many people are doing the same these days. Being in a relationship does not define you and is a social construct. If you genuinely want to meet someone, for YOU, then I think some work may be needed on yourself first. You seem very negative about yourself and this will come across to others.

I really feel for you. I'm female and I take the most awful photograph. I wonder if maybe you look a lot better in real life than you do in pictures? That's definitely a thing. I can't bear having pictures taken or looking at myself during video calls because I just look hideous.

People have given some really good advice. I think basically all you can do is make the best of yourself and learn to be happy in your own skin. I think expectations can be high in online dating these days and I've taken a long break from it. Not sure I will ever return to it. But then I'm an introvert and not particularly bothered about a relationship, although one would be nice if it happened.

Incidentally a lot of people would be interested in you going by your hobbies. I like to write to and I enjoy looking around churches. Don't give up hope.

It will be your photos.

So many men OLD have crap selfies of themselves just looking down at the camera with them sitting drinking on their sofa.

Take a few full body photos of yourself out and about doing stuff. Make it look like you leave the house once in a while. Don't have a photo of you drinking.

'You probably swipe right above your weight, OP, that’s why you get no matches.

limited empathy from me.'

'Well, that's a bitchy response.'

@Hadjab
It might not have been delivered with the utmost kindness, but it is a fact that huge numbers of men on OLD seem to be completely oblivious to how unappealing their own profile is, and then only swipe on women ten years younger, with much more appealing profiles. They have a list of what they want from a woman, yet put no thought in to what they bring to the table. That isn't directed at the op btw, we don't know, just a general observation.

I realise I have been abrupt and I apologise, but I stand by my opinion

If OP has been to so many meet-ups irl, no way he has not met his female counterpart a hundred times over (maybe not a 10 for looks but a kind, decent person who would make a great partner/companion etc.)

Real life meetings, clubs, hobby groups are full of single, nice women like that.
So, unless a massive ick factor due to OP's behaviour or looks (and if this, I m truly sorry, it s quite unfair from life) something is not quite right.

And that OP is wired like a man = only the "hot" ones register on their radar, I can believe that too, it s really quite common.

Just don't worry about what your nine year old daughter is saying about your love life.

I used to repetitively ask my 47 year old mother for a younger sister! Kids just don't know about these things and just say things without any understanding of the world. Be confident in your situation and tell her that not everyone has to be in a relationship to be happy. Knowing that will help her in life.

As for driving, don't worry. I know loads of people around London who don't drive. It's increasingly common.

Your hobbies sound fine.

What happened with the lady who called you ugly? What was the context of the conversation? If she was upset and lashing out it doesn't actually mean you are objectively 'ugly'. Sometimes people say things to be cruel. I remember once a guy who I rejected told me after I rejected him that I was only a 6/10. It was clearly deliberate and malicious. Was that about him or me? I don't think it actually said anything at all about my appearance.

I am late thirties and a few years ago I was on the apps before I met my partner. I also recently put my 50 year old male cousin's Hinge profile together for him. Feel free to DM screenshots and I will review for you.

It's not your looks, it's women date all sorts of conventionally unattractive men if they have decent personalities.
Saying that, do you care of yourself eg wear nice smart clean clothes, bet your hair cut, shower and shave, go to the gym and eat well? These will help your mood and self esteem and suggest you take care of yourself so you could also take care of a partner.

I agree- extremely cruel and says much more about her than you, but natural to be very upset by this

Can you get professional pics for your OLD profile?

I must admit, I am also wondering if you're aiming for women who are out of your league.

I say this because I did OLD on and off for years and even the most unattractive man can find a partner if he's a genuinely good guy, is interesting and (importantly) is realistic about who he can attract.

I certainly never went on looks because I am the most unphotogenic person out there! So I figured I'd give anyone a shot if they seemed nice and could hold a conversation. But I agree that men often aim very high then complain when they can't get anyone.

I don't know if you ever do this, but the no1 issue for me with OLD (or any dating come to that) is men who just talked about themselves. They'd go on and on and not ask me one single question. In the end I used to give it 24 hours and if they hadn't asked me a question about me in that time, I'd block! I just got sick of it. So something to bear in mind maybe.

The reality is people do judge on attractiveness and this includes looks, hair, teeth, weight, height etc and much more than that.

To pretend otherwise is insulting to the people who do regularly get rejected through no fault of their own. It dismisses their experience.

And to make it worse this often starts in school so any confidence in yourself is often ebbed away by arseholes.

If I was you I would-

Have some therapy got esteem/confidence. A lack of belief/love in yourself is unattractive so work on accepting yourself first what you are before you look to share your self with someone else.

Make sure you understand body language if someone is giving no thank you vibes move on don't flog a dead horse

Aim to meet someone on a similar attractive level to you take into account this person may also lack confidence

Look for people with similar interests/mindset

Put yourself out there chat to people at meet up events, like/message people on dating apps be proactive.

Learn some starter conversation skills. Plan things to talk about.

Don't put too much pressure on for things to go well.

I genuinely believe there are people out there for everyone it's just a case of making sure you are being realistic and not creating barriers for yourself

OK I didn't think I'd get this many responses to this. Thank you for the advice to anyone who has offered it. It is really appreciated. Genuinely.

I do think there is maybe a little bit of naivety from some of you regarding men and looks. I have had several conversations with women over their OLD experience and the tendency I see (and please allow me to generalise a little as many here have about men to draw conclusions about me) is that anyone who is not particularly good looking is immeadiately put into a category where, if the woman then does match for other reasons, she would naturally say "I didn't pick him for his looks. Looks must therefore not be important to me". However, when you actually see these men, IRL or on photographs, they are perfectly good looking men. Some of them very handsome. These men are never ugly. I am using the word ugly to mean the oppoite of beautiful. On the other end of a scale that passes through a bland averageness in most cases.

On the subject of the woman who called me ugly at the meetup, I just wanted to clarify that, it wasn't meant maliciously from her. She was very drunk and I think she (mistakenly) thought I was interested in her and it was a clumsy attempt to make me aware she wasn't interested. She definitely meant it but not in such harsh terms. She apologised many times that night and I accepted them all and brushed it off on the night in question.

I agree fully that ugly men can get relationships. I think I'm ugly and I have had them before. I just think in the context of the swipe-app era it is extremely difficult. I have seen many men's profiles on the Facebook Dating's 'Friends' option and I know my own profile is written better than 90% of men's. I've seen how terrible most men's profiles are. But unless they all get zero response on those apps, them I'm afraid my looks are just the only thing I can pinpoint that is the issue. It's a reality, at least for me.

Anyway, I was very low last night when I wrote that, I was mainly venting. I have decided that using dating apps are pointless for me. The damage to my self-esteem from the resulting lack of response is far in excess of the potential upside. I will look at joining some new groups for in person interactions. In better news, I wrote a whole chapter of my book this afternoon, and it's by far the best thing I've done so far. I think I'm actually getting quite good.

What's your book about? I was sick outside St Barts in Smithfield once in the late 90s. Nice church but the wrong side of chiswick

Beautiful church that. Used a hell of a lot on TV.

My book is a children's book about 2 friends who are transported back to the Ancient Greece of the Olympian Gods.

Actually Chiswick House is one of the next places on my list for a visit.

Chiswick House is dull tbh. I think you're making it up about the kids going back to AG. What's the first line?

🤣🤣🤣 OK well I can only be thankful that your belief has no bearing on anything. I don't have the book with me as I'm at work but the opening line describes the sun waking the central protagonist up on her first day of secondary school.

Not too long ago there was a lovely sounding lady posting on here with a similarly described problem. I've tried to find the thread but am useless with the search function. If someone could find it for you and post the link in this thread maybe you could become friends/companions/lovers?

Your daughter doesn't actually care because she's too young to truly understand the concept of a relationship, you're projecting.
For OLD, it's definitely a good idea.to take a break because it sounds like you're completely burned out, if you go back make sure you don't have all selfies, nothing worse.
You do come across here as a bit rigid in your thinking and too quick to dismiss the lived experience of many women btw.
I agree with PPs that getting into good shape and having some confidence will go a very long way.

I know my daughter doesn't really care now, it's more about when she's 15 and I've been alone for 14 years. For the most part long-time-single middle-aged women are seen as being so through choice or because the available men are so awful. Men, on the other hand, are viewed as losers who can't attract a woman.

You sound nice @Telemakus I'm tall and older otherwise maybe..😉 Good luck 👍

Oh and another thing, I never said I was short, I said I wasn't tall. I'm 5'9.

Speaking as someone's daughter, I would be much more impressed with a father who focussed on raising me and accomplishing things like the book than chasing women/shacking up with one.

Some people are just going to be single forever. The best thing you can do for your daughter is demonstrate that this does not make a person weird or deficient.