8 years single and miserable

[Telemakus]

I'm a desperately unhappy and lonely man, just venting here really. Ever since my divorce 8 years ago I have been without a partner. In that time I've had 2 dates which were complete non-events. I have tried absolutely everything, from OLD to Meet-Up to asking friends to set me up.

My now 9 year old daughter is even starting to think it weird and I'm now afraid she'll start thinking of me as a loser when she figures out how useless I am. I am clearly uglier than I had ever thought myself to be but as a 45 year old man I seem to have absolutely nothing to offer a woman.

You need better pictures. Let’s be honest that’s what everyone is basing their initial interest on when it comes to OLD as there isn’t much else to go on. Could you find a way to get some decent pictures? Even professional? I look weird in selfies yet look good in normal pictures so that could be where you’re going wrong. Maybe start up your social life again with the meet up you used to attend. Forget the crappy comment and go out and enjoy yourself as that will give you more options to meet new people.

I've decided I'll never go on the apps again. I've tried every kind of photo and none of them work.

I’m in a similar situation, been single for 5 years, spent £10,000 on dating apps, matchmakers dating / introduction agencies and basically had no dates, 3 or r from tinder, dating apps aren’t designed to get men dates but to relieve men of money, there’s between 20 to 30 men to every woman on any dating site, if you live in a city you have chance if you live in the country it’s dam near impossible, the best chance you have is a friend / work colleague introducing you to a friend, I’m self employed work from home, live in west Cornwall, I ve got no chance, I ve even had a dating agency tell me to get a escort, OLD is sole destroying and just makes you even more depressed

Why and how have you spent so much money?! Average £2k a year on dating, you must be absolutely loaded.

I am single and would love to be in a relationship but the sooner we accept that some people will just never find the lid to their pot, the sooner we can make peace with it and get on with enjoying other aspects of life.

I think you sound lovely OP. Agree that OLD is not for you, no use flogging a dead horse. So that leaves meeting someone ‘in the wild’ as it were. If you carry on doing things in the wild that you love, for example visiting churches, you will meet someone - but it needs to be group activities. How about joining free walking tours? When I’m on these on my own, I always like to strike up convos as I want to discuss what we’re hearing about. Ad we all know, an initial chat between strangers is all it takes to start a relationship. Just a thought.

Positivity and confidence are very attractive characteristics. Believe me when I say you sound great, both positive and confident, but hurt. Have you considered counselling to talk things through about how to deal with the hurt so you can bring all the good things out for others to see?

Good luck!

There's a reason though that there's 20 or 30 men to every woman on dating apps, that maybe men as a cohort need to apply some self awareness/responsibility to.

Clearly, from that stat, women don't want to, being single is preference to then.

Whereas, men clearly prefer to be in a relationship.

So it follows from that that women are giving more to a relationship than the man, and getting less out, and vice versa.

So if men as a cohort, want that to change, then, they need to be more appealing.

Middle aged men's fathers didn't need to be liked by their mothers back in the 70s, the women had no choice but to marry. Nowadays, men need to be liked, especially by middle aged women who no longer need a man, and they don't know how to do it.

If you have some disposable cash I'd invest in myself and hire an image consultant to work with and a get a few therapy sessions booked in to talk through your confidence issues and anything else that might be bothering you. It would cost a few grand but why not? What better to invest in than your own self?! Might as well get some professional pics done at the same time. I say this tongue in cheek as I absolutely don't condone lying but I wonder if you would get more interest if you was wearing a wedding ring? I hear that men often say that they get more interest when they are married.

I think this is realist. What are you bringing to a potential relationship that would convince a woman who is happy with her single status quo to change it?

There was a thread on AIBU something along the lines of "if you had 150 days..."

It was about looking gorgeous for an upcoming event but perhaps you could implement something similar, about self confidence and worth as well as appearance and feeling relaxed in yourself etc!

Oh gosh, I have now been single for eleven years and not even tried online dating or any other type of dating. I am not sure I can be bothered as it all sounds very shallow. But anyway, neither of my DC have yet expressed that I am odd for being single, in fact, I think it is better for them that I am single.

Brutally put, I would be put off by someone going on about how terrible they are based on a lack of success on OLD, though. I mean, I have enough to worry about in my life without boosting someone else’s confidence about themselves. Which is not to say I am not sympathetic, but for God’s sake man, value yourself a bit more. What do you consider that you have to offer in a relationship? Most women after a certain point are quite self-sufficient.

Also, if you are withdrawing from social events you might previously have gone to, are you depressed? That is what I find myself doing sometimes and it usually means my mental health is not great - and going out can be great for making you feel better.

Dating agency’s charging £3000 to ‘matchmaker and deliver nothing, you try a couple and it soon mounts up

I see. Ultimately a dating agency can't magic up someone who would want to be in a relationship with the customer, I don't think it's a wise thing to spend money on personally.

I think this is a good post. It’s no one’s job to boost any other adult’s poor self-esteem. Unless you think you have things to offer, that you’re an interesting and worthwhile person, why would a total stranger bother?

I love the sound of your interest in baroque churches. I always say to friends who are bemoaning the lack of decent men 'find one mad about something specific. Not just football, booze, gym, family. Positivist philosophy, orchids, Byzantine architecture, windsurfing'. That focus will be applied to the right relationship too.

Anyway. What's your profile like? What are you actually saying about yourself? And don't tell me you have it covered, it's perfect, it's your looks because I don't believe you.

So many men look and sound defeated, negative, defensive and miserable on their dating profiles. Are you saying what you do want in a relationship, specific interests, a good, upbeat, substantial conversational summary? Women do read them.

On looks, learn to take better photos. There are loads of tips online. So you're not the most classically handsome man in the world and your more photogenic friend got more attention. That's fine. So what? Make the best of yourself physically.

As a PP says, beards are popular. Are you using a good barber to look a bit stylish or just neat and tidy? Skincare? If your wardrobe is simple, I'd get some noticeably nice clothes, a thick, tactile wool jumper or scarf in a colour that brings out your eyes, crisp, ironed shirt. Really well fitting jeans. I'm not saying throw thousands of pounds at this, just a bit of an investment. Photos of you out doing things, in front of your favourite church.

I'd consider some therapy/CBT too for your self esteem. I think everyone can empathise to an extent but it is quite tedious after a while having to prop someone up.

I don't think the woman who said you were ugly meant it so please don't dwell on that. Even if she did, that's one rude person. Not saying I'm Helen of Troy but I'm not bad looking. I used to model etc in my younger years. I've had occasional men saying really unpleasant things to me about my looks/weight/ whatever. No idea why folk feel the need but we can't stop them, just control our reaction. I hope you'll get your confidence back and go back to your meetups.

I joined a book club and a walking group btw, both v balanced in terms of sexes and full of single people. Could be an idea.

Online dating is better suited to the aesthetically pleasing.

It's probably been said but if you use it - make sure you have a clean shave (unless you really suit a beard, in which case, keep it short and nicely trimmed). Maybe get a tan. Everyone looks miles better with a tan. Press a shirt. And be sure to smile in your photos. Mouth closed if you don't like your teeth.

Showing off some of your fun hobbies in you profile pictures might help too.

Don't put your daughter in your photos.
Get any girl mates you have to check your profile for things you may want to change.

Stupidly tried Facebook dating again. Really bloody stupid. I just don't think women can understand how it is being totally invisible. No human being has ever said a positive thing about my appearance. You cannot think your way out of that and pretend you're someone else. I'm done.

Plenty of middle aged women feel totally invisible.

You said you had dosh right?
Ever heard that saying "you're not ugly, just poor".
Consider some cosmetic procedures perhaps!

Hair transplant, teeth whitening, fillers, sunbeds.
Invest in a personal trainer.

I assure you, if you are ugly, much of it can be fixed with the right work.

Of course attitude is important too. But maybe I'd you start making physical changes, your confidence will come with it.

This sounds a bit negative, you need to take a step back from online dating for the time being.

Relax tonight, watch a film or whatever you like doing, forget about it for now.

I do have a friend who is in a similar boat, but he's been single 20 years...not actually sure why, he says he can get lonely, I'll ask him next time I speak to him.

He will absolutely not tolerate any photos whatsoever.

Don't think fb dating is the place for you, Match prob more your habitat, or bumble, completely different clientele. Did you take any of the advice here before you jumped back in? I've got really good looking friends whose self esteem has been wrecked by OLD, it's normal to feel shit about it but you need a thick skin

I've tried them both, I've tried them all. It's not even the lack of a relationship from OLD, it's the lack of anything. Matches, likes, the proof that I exist on them. When you see the completely opposite experience good looking men have.

A few years back on POF I even messaged a couple of ladies just asking them to respond so I knew that my profile was actually working. One of them responded. That's humiliation. When you leave your profile several hours and you KNOW with 100% certainty that no activity will be there when you go back. I could put all of my money on the fact. It's as sure as gravity.

What a horrible woman. Don’t let that one stupid person put you off socialising. Meetups are a great idea. Do get back into social events rather than exploring on your own.

Try to build up your confidence (maybe with counselling?) and get back in the game. DH and I met in our 40s, through friends. I hope it happens for you.

You are more than your photos. Lots of people look better in real life and you admitted you could never take a decent selfie. So make sure your profile is amusing and witty and pick a site where you don't just swipe but can actually write to someone. You say no one has ever said anything positive about your appearance but most women don't usually comment on men's looks on a dating sites, they are more likely to mention something interesting in their profile.

I meant no one has ever said anything positive about my appearance full stop. Certainly as an adult.

You obviously aren't that unattractive otherwise it wouldn't have been likely you'd find a partner to have a child with in the first place. Yes in middle age we don't look fresh as a daisy anymore but you can still look good. Half of it is lifestyle/ grooming and half is how.you carry yourself. If you're not happy in your own skin you need to.work on finding a way to be so because as posters have said, someone who feels bad about themselves will find it harder to attract dates, whether they're male or female, 22 or 77.