8 years single and miserable

[Telemakus]

I'm a desperately unhappy and lonely man, just venting here really. Ever since my divorce 8 years ago I have been without a partner. In that time I've had 2 dates which were complete non-events. I have tried absolutely everything, from OLD to Meet-Up to asking friends to set me up.

My now 9 year old daughter is even starting to think it weird and I'm now afraid she'll start thinking of me as a loser when she figures out how useless I am. I am clearly uglier than I had ever thought myself to be but as a 45 year old man I seem to have absolutely nothing to offer a woman.

1)Go on Fiverr and have someone give you feedback and improve your profile. Search dating.
2) Hey Saturday are a company that will take professional photos of you aimed at the dating market. www.heysaturday.co/
So many bad photos on the apps, men really are terrible at marketing themselves half the time. It could honestly just be this. That will help get you more dates and back in the game. Be patient though - it can take a while!
In the meantime tell daughter that relationships take a lot of time away from her and you want to devote your time and energy on her while she's growing up, just tell her you are happy, she's probably just worried you are not.
Good luck!

It's not all about appearance. You haven't answered anything about the content of your profile. Put the gist of that and we can help.

Try this. Make a profile as a woman looking for a man on bumble , say, and see how negative and unappealing most of what men say on their profiles is, coupled with crap unflattering, unsmiling pictures of perfectly fine looking men, plain, average, even handsome. Ridiculous assumptions about women abound 'no drama' etc, lazy uncompleted profiles saying 'just ask'.

Yours might not be extreme if better pics = matches (your more photogenic friend) but I would stake a fair bit on it not being optimal going on your approach here which is negative and shuts down suggestions, you've already thought of everything. However, even if it's not bad there is the herd effect from the others meaning you probably need a bit of extra polish to make it shine more amongst all the dross. That could be where this thread comes in.

If what you really want to hear is that it's ok to be long term single and step away from all of this then yes it is, absolutely. That is fine for you, your daughter, anyone. You're not letting either of you down. Enjoy life and hopefully someone may happen along at some point. If you want advice on meeting someone then start listening to what's being said.

OP, you say no one has ever said anything positive about your appearance but what about your personality, your sense of humour, your thoughtfulness or your character? That's what l have always been drawn to in a partner.Looks fade and to be focused solely on appearance is so shallow. I'm sure your daughter and your family don't see you as unattractive and your ex wife obviously didn't either!
You sound so critical of yourself, l'm sure you wouldn't speak about a friends appearance in the way you speak about yourself. Also look around you next time you go out, is every man who is partnered up good looking? I think not!

Sounds like you're now trying your luck on here, to be honest.

I don't think your looks will have anything to do with this issue, it's your outlook and personality. You seem very negative and bitter at the moment, and that's very unattractive.

I'd work on your self esteem and confidence first; you are not entitled to matches on dating sights..if you are not traditionally handsome ( and it does matter, OLD is no less shallow than real life), then a good confident personality is essential.

I agree with @yousexybugger - there’s been something in the profile.

If there’s a whiff of “Here we go again, hey ho this has never worked / Eight years on here not a hit yet,/ Don’t think this online stuff is for me / Not sure what to write, no one writes back anyway!!!” (Inventing all these) that’s what will be putting women off.

From what you’ve told us, I don’t know why you can’t write a fab profile like:

“Hi! I’m Bob! At weekends you’ll find me touring London’s finest Baroque churches or taking long walks on the South Downs with my daughter whilst I grapple with my latest piece of writing. By day I’m an insurance salesman/stack shelves/ butcher, in my spare time I’m a budding YA author, partly inspired by my wonderful 9-year old daughter and our adventures. We’ve recently acquired a fantastic network rail discount/sailing boat/paddle board and I’m looking for someone to join me on the road, exploring the west country/Scottish highlands/baroque churches in Europe, chatting about architecture, religion, reading and everything under the sun.”

Ok I haven’t had my coffee yet but you get the gist. Im sure others can improve!

As PP said, women don’t want to be a prop in someone’s uninteresting life. You’ve mentioned a lot of interesting things and come across as articulate. It’s the self-pity bit (understandable but it needs to stop now with these fresh perspectives) that must be coming through somehow.

@Adatewithmyself Fantastic template! @Telemakus take note....this is how you do it!

Ok I'll take the template and try it for a few days, not that it's much different from how I write my profiles already.

@Telemakus Great! give it a go, and add in any other positive and interesting things about yourself as well. To get over the photo part, use a site like POF where you don't have to swipe to get a match. Good luck!

Hollow laugh...

If any whiff of this thinking is seeping through to your profile it would put any sensible woman off.

You clearly need a break from OLD. Delete all your profiles for a year or so. Get back to your socialising hobbies. Find some new ones. Go to Meetup groups you've not tried before. Try new sports. Single parent holidays. Group holidays.

Remember that algorithms are a big thing on all OLD. They show new users first. If you've been on all of them consistently for the past 8 years, you won't even be shown to any new users. So delete them.

When/if you feel ready, more positive, and no longer jaded, you could go back to OLD (if you've not met someone irl by then!). You really need people who know you to give a bit of feedback on your new fresh profile (don't copy the current one). I write a good bio but one friend told me that my photos weren't flattering, and I looked better in real life!

Out of curiosity...how many people are YOU swiping? I mean, are you keeping it age appropriate? Are you only swiping on the '10s' ?

I think pps profile comment suggestion is good! But you need to get someone to check your pics too.

And I agree it sounds like you need an online dating break. I only ever go on them for a few weeks at a time. Then take a few months off.

You also say you are confident you could go away for hours and have no replies as if that's a big deal. Hell, some of those sites mentioned it can take a week or two to get any replies even as a woman.

Also, how are you messaging them to START conversations? It helps to reference something in their profile sometimes. Eg: 'I see you've been to Egypt? I travel a lot but I've never been there. What did you enjoy about your visit?". Just something to show you've actually READ their profile.

My swiping is fully age appropriate and I don't think I've ever even seen a 10 on an app (that wasn't an obvious con) let alone swiped on one.

Haha yeah that's a fair point!

I'm a bit late to the party but your post reminded me of another user who hasn't been on here for some time afaik. He'd been single for 9 years and was convinced he'd never have another partner. Obviously he then did find another partner - if the ending wasn't uplifting I probably wouldn't mention it :D Don't know if that relationship worked out, but just by the by.

Neither my partner nor I have a car - though we both have driving licences we both hate cars and driving. It's great being with him as things feel equal and we both happily take public transport - no arguments about having to wait around, or about one of us always having to drive, and no endless droning on about cars. A huge plus point in my opinion. (We also like to look at interesting architecture and would happily do a baroque church tour.)

I have been called ugly plenty of times in my life and know this is something you have to be realistic about. I got a nose job in my 40s for health reasons and have not had any such comments/jokes since; people are that basic!

My partner is overweight and balding with glasses and terrible teeth from smoking his whole life. I'm 5 foot 9 and he claims to be taller than me but I think we are the same height - great for kissing I must say. His OLD profile featured a single passport photo. I was interested in meeting him as he joked about this photo, and his sense of humour appealed to me. When we met, I was a bit put off at first by his appearance and the smoking, but he has a lovely deep voice, makes me laugh and is original, laid back and creative. He's also very thoughtful and kind. I guess that over time, I came to associate his attractive character with his looks, or maybe I just saw what was attractive about his looks as I got to know him. Plus he got his teeth fixed haha. In any case, I find him very attractive now. He also cooks for me, which I love after 20 years of cooking for my ex!

I agree that OLD is not the best place to find a partner if you're objectively unattractive, but it is one of many places you might find someone. Why give it up entirely? You don't have to sit there waiting for replies. Just leave the profile up, go out and do other stuff, and maybe you'll get a pleasant surprise, maybe not.

Could you do something to work on your confidence? A lack of confidence can be very unattractive to me, especially if I (even remotely) suspect that the man might have incel, woman-blaming tendencies. Just too dangerous to take the risk.

Just a quick update. I tried this on a profile I made on bumble and one on POF. Obviously amended to actually make it accurate to my life. It didn't have any effect. Genuinely that's now the last time I try OLD. Thanks for the suggestions but what's written on a profile just means nothing if you don't pass the eye test.

But did you take new, better photographs?

POF is a cesspit, Bumble not great either. Match (paid) and Hinge are much better. Bumble also doesn't give you the chance to to speak first

It's not a supermarket where your profile is currency and you can reasonably expect a suitable person to be delivered within 8 days. If no one is interested in you then no one is interested in you, it's luck of the draw, if that's too difficult to swallow then maybe it isn't for you.

Literally just 8 days up and it has had no effect? Maybe it's your patience you need to work on ;)

I didn't need to, the assumptions that my photographs were all terrible was just wrong.

8 days with no likes or responses or matches whatsoever is plenty.

That's what I'm saying. It isn't for me.

But you’ve said repeatedly that it’s your appearance that is causing the issue. Your appearance, on OLD, is your photos. You rewrote your profile. Surely it’s worth taking some new photos?

No it's what I look like that's the problem. My photos are as good as they are ever going to be.

Like I said earlier, you can just leave your profile up and continue your life without giving it another thought. Maybe a woman who finds it interesting will join the site this autumn! Act all defeatist and leave the site after a week and you'd miss her.