I had similar feelings about my young child. My child did similar things. I lost it to the point that I retaliated and hit him once, and another time I just sat and screamed at him - not shouting with words, just proper screaming.
My child was diagnosed with autism. There is research out there about how young autistic children do not do as many of the cute or pro-social things that make care-givers want to look after them.
When they are young it is hard to differentiate between normal behaviour and the additional stuff you are being put through. It is hard to prove you are being put through more consequently you don’t believe it never mind anyone else.
I too wanted to just walk out. I felt it would be better as he hated me, I loved him but did not like him a lot of the time and it was just bloody hard work.
DS is still hard work. He’s very bright and can argue his point, which doesn’t help, but things are better as we have the support around us - special school, respite etc. Appropriate parenting techniques that you both use do help. Plus just recognising yourself that it is hard and that you need to look after yourself. I consider myself a carer with a caring job rather than a mum really.
I throughly recommend HV if you can’t get a GP appt. Possibly also does any of the following ring any bells? Don’t write off autism just because some of it doesn’t ring true. If at least some of it does bring this up with the HV. It is from the NICE guidelines for diagnosing autism:
Box 2 Features suggesting possible autism in preschool children (or equivalent mental age)Social interaction and reciprocal communication behaviours
Spoken language
- Language delay (in babble or words, for example less than ten words by the age of 2 years).
- Regression in or loss of use of speech.
- Spoken language (if present) may include unusual:
- non-speech like vocalisations
- odd or flat intonation
- frequent repetition of set words and phrases ('echolalia')
- reference to self by name or 'you' or 'she/he' beyond 3 years.
- Reduced and/or infrequent use of language for communication, for example use of single words although able to speak in sentences.
Responding to others
- Absent or delayed response to name being called, despite normal hearing.
- Reduced or absent responsive social smiling.
- Reduced or absent responsiveness to other people's facial expressions or feelings.
- Unusually negative response to the requests of others (demand avoidant behaviour).
- Rejection of cuddles initiated by parent or carer, although may initiate cuddles themselves.
Interacting with others
- Reduced or absent awareness of personal space, or unusually intolerant of people entering their personal space.
- Reduced or absent social interest in others, including children of his/her own age – may reject others; if interested in others, may approach others inappropriately, seeming to be aggressive or disruptive.
- Reduced or absent imitation of others' actions.
- Reduced or absent initiation of social play with others, plays alone.
- Reduced or absent enjoyment of situations that most children like, for example, birthday parties.
- Reduced or absent sharing of enjoyment.
Eye contact, pointing and other gestures
- Reduced or absent use of gestures and facial expressions to communicate (although may place adult's hand on objects).
- Reduced and poorly integrated gestures, facial expressions, body orientation, eye contact (looking at people's eyes when speaking) and speech used in social communication.
- Reduced or absent social use of eye contact, assuming adequate vision.
- Reduced or absent joint attention shown by lack of:
- gaze switching
- following a point (looking where the other person points to – may look at hand)
- using pointing at or showing objects to share interest.
Ideas and imagination
- Reduced or absent imagination and variety of pretend play.
Unusual or restricted interests and/or rigid and repetitive behaviours
- Repetitive 'stereotypical' movements such as hand flapping, body rocking while standing, spinning, finger flicking.
- Repetitive or stereotyped play, for example opening and closing doors.
- Over-focused or unusual interests.
- Excessive insistence on following own agenda.
- Extremes of emotional reactivity to change or new situations, insistence on things being 'the same'.
- Over or under reaction to sensory stimuli, for example textures, sounds, smells.
- Excessive reaction to taste, smell, texture or appearance of food or extreme food fads.