Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

Havr you heard of Blocked Care? It's when you are so overwhelmed by awful behaviour caring for a child over a long period - your emotions shut down as a kind of defence. I had this for a terrible few months. I only realised afterwards when I went on a parenting course (Non Violent Resistance course).

My son did emerge to have additional needs when he was around 5.

Believe it or not there is help out there from social services, I received this. Parenting courses have helped me no end.

OP, my husband could probably have written your post about our 3rd child, now 6. For some reason at around 3, 4ish be suddenly stopped showing any interest in DH...would refuse to be put to bed by him, not cuddly, very actively demonstrating that he only had interest in me. He found it very hurtful, and it was hard to see.

At 6 he is far better, still not as close as he is to me but much better. It is so hard, I can fully imagine, but without any more information I really would suspect that it is an unfortunate phase, maybe triggered by a new sibling, and with time and consistency it will pass.

lol so he wants to kill you does he? Masturbates in front of his mum?

Yeah, really normal thoughts and things to joke about.

And yes I’ve also had dark thoughts and then the realisation that it wasn’t normal and messed up. One of my biggest fears is messing up my kid, so I dealt with it. I also care that my kid might have sen. Apparently the op doesn’t care about her kid at all.

Ever heard of gallows humour?

Since when did Kevin the teenager masturbate over his mum

I thought he was ‘you’re so unfair I hate you!’

Op it seems like you also have a DH problem, he needs to learn to avoid triggers, and most importantly undermining you, you need to parent together and he needs to back you up..if he really won't adapt the you cannot change this dynamic as far as l can see.

For example when DS is rude and screams l want Daddy,(in the boots situation) DH needs to arrive and tell him to listen and take his boots of or take them off for him.

If you discipline him and he shouts for DH or runs to DH, DH needs to reinforce what you have said.
DS is playing you off against each other and DH is allowing it to the point you feel like walking out the door....

I have a close friend who had a similar situation with her DD and ex DH, she had fair and reaasonable boundaries and her DH undermined her constantly and let DD behave appallingly to her mother, and overindulged her hugely.
The marriage could not survive like that.

l think you have to sit down and really lay the problems out for your DH and make a set of boundaries enforce by both of you, particularly around rudeness to you.
He also needs to know how desperate you feel and how things will implode if he doesn't step up.
Good luck op

*Since when did Kevin the teenager masturbate over his mum

I thought he was ‘you’re so unfair I hate you!’*

Clearly a misunderstanding, I believe pp is referring to Lionel Shriver's Kevin character in "We need to talk about Kevin" rather than the much more benign Kevin the teenager of Harry Enfield fame. So you have a threenager OP?!

Hope you're ok and things are going better.

Yes, someone (not me!) said that he sounded like Kevin from We Need To Talk About. I laughed it off and said he was more Kevin the teenager. Lelophants evidently struggles with comprehension as thought I was laughing at him being like We Need To Talk About.

I was in an exceptionally low place Sunday and am extremely grateful to the posters who took the time to talk me down with calmness and kindness and warmth. Nobs who can’t read are not my problem.

It's so common for three year olds to suddenly be rejecting of one parent. When I read your posts it sounds like your son is very securely attached to you and less so to your DH - triggering him to try and get his Dad's attention constantly. He rejects you because he feels confident you're not going away. Add in the the arrival of a sibling and he has all sorts of big emotions that he can't articulate and doesn't know how to manage. Very, very draining and painful for you but it really won't last forever and he doesn't hate you. You are doing a great job dealing with this but don't go away anywhere, your threenager really does need you.

It's a misnomer that antidepressants dont help with situational depression. They can help you cope and get back to a better place.

Hi Op, sorry haven't read full thread but tried to read as much as I could. Heavily sympathise - I have often felt like you did on Sunday and thought fuck it, I'll just stop now. My ds is 8 and this has been the case for around 3/4 years now, though he does have a diagnosis (which you may or not may not get). As well as thinking I am the devil incarnate, he also has some sensory issues with me and can't stand me being near him a lot of the time. I've felt sad, hurt and despondent on many occasions as I can't ever just reach out and hug him or have a laugh and mess about with him. He idolises his dad and they get on very well, so I feel reassured that he has a lot of input from at least one parent.

As awful as it sounds, I've learned coping strategies as I agree there's bugger all in terms of help or support out there, and I should know as I am a social worker by profession.

I have stepped back and I let him come to me (on the rare occasions that he does). It's hard but I figure it won't be like this forever. I also make the most of my relationship with my other child, which is very rewarding, while being sure to always try and include ds (obvs he doesn't want to be included 99% of the time but I still try). I take care of all of ds's practical needs (clothes, food, arranging activities) and I guess that kind of helps me feel like I am loving him even though he doesn't physically let me iyswim. It does make for a one child with one parent situation which I wouldn't have chosen but seems to work for us in the current circumstances.

I guess I'm a lot further down the path than you and this is my longer term reality. I hope it's not yours (and likely it won't be) but just in case it is I wanted to reach out and let you know that that it's manageable although obviously far from ideal.

Just to add, the approach of stepping back (but being available at the drop of a hat if he does make the move to seek me out) has improved things a little and we have definitely shared a little more bonding time together as a result. I feel confident that our relationship will improve as he gets older and (hopefully) more rational!

He definitely does that! Book and film.

Are you really calling me a nob? I was trying quite hard to be supportive and was genuinely concerned about the stuff you were saying, but sure. Thanks.

You don’t come across as a particularly
nice person op. People on here were trying to give you advice and be kind. Have you gone back to loving your child yet?

I don’t think OP stopped loving her child, it was very clear in her early posts that she was at a low point and by the later posts that she pretty much did all the actual parenting and was not being supported in dealing with difficult three year old behaviour by her husband when he was there, in fact the DC was struggling with the changing dynamic.
I think sometimes if your child has never exhibited sustained externalising and hurtful behaviours, it is difficult to understand how that can go to the heart of you. And to be honest, I would rather a woman came on here and vented, than simply turned it in on herself and said nothing.

Yes.

Thanks (again) @Talulahalula

Seriously I don’t wish to be an arse here and shout but READ WHAT IT SAYS

Kevin the teenager has no works of literature devoted to him. He did star in a film I believe. Kevin and Perry go large? I have not seen it but FGS

I have a dear friend whose son was 6 when her daughter was born and there was this weird dynamic of father and son together and separate from her and the baby. The father undermined my friend by never backing her up when her son behaved badly, and he really was such a brat. He broke her heart. She tried so hard to be a good mum, and she was a good mum, but he carried on being awful.
Interestingly, the grown son is NC with his mother and just visits his dad, they are divorced, and blames all his problems ( can’t attract a woman) on his terrible mother. Father never puts him right. Mother is still upset that son hates her.
OP this sounds so awful for you and so tough. The only advice I can offer is to read up on challenging behaviour, there are some books that will ‘speak your language’ and others which will be utter garbage. When you find the one(s) that is helpful your husband has to be fully on board and be pulling with you. He can’t be on the passenger seat while you pull, it’s not fair.

It looked like you said Kevin the teenager. Very easily the teenager in ‘We need to talk about Kevin.’ I’ve never heard of ‘Kevin the teenager’.

Anyway do you feel better now?

Jesus wept well glad you feel better now.

I’ve actually had a really hard time and PND and my child turned out to have additional needs. which is why I was so worried about the op. She said quite a lot of things that worried a number of posters such as not caring if he had sen, not caring about him anymore. You can look over all the posts. She hasn’t come back and said “feeling ok now, love my little boy and sorry if I worried anyone”. She just doesn’t give a shit.

Im bowing out of here. Forget how nasty this place can be sometimes.

No, not really. Because I had some helpful replies, it was randomly upped and then a jokey comment I made was pounced on by you and some other idiot and we’ve had fucking pages of people who can’t distinguish between a fictitious American serial killer and a Harry Enfield character.

@Lelophants if you had genuinely wanted to be supportive it seems somewhat unlikely that you would come to a thread when it had reached a conclusion some days ago and show your displeasure at a joke I made. The fact that you didn’t understand said joke made it pretty infuriating.

Someone made a wildly inappropriate post. I have no wish to be unkind but I think the poster possibly didn’t really understand some social norms. Comparing a three year old to a psychopath responsible for numerous deaths, albeit a fictitious one, is never going to be appropriate, but I reacted in fairly good humour and said

He is more Kevin the teenager than We Need To Talk About

Bizarrely, you responded several days later to rebuke me for this because ‘he’ masturbates over his mum.

I pointed out he does not.

Some other individual who cannot distinguish between a late twentieth century work of American fiction and a Harry Enfield character pipes up to tell me he does

I actually did not want bad feeling but I was really rather disturbed by that post. I have read the book and it is a disturbing one certainly. But it is fiction. It is not real. And there is no way even if it was that comparing a three year olds behaviour to the book or film is appropriate. Especially given recent horrific events in Sydney - and I have a nine month old daughter as well as my DS - it just really was rather shocking and I don’t like the fact you and another poster have insisted on raking it over and bringing up the masturbation is frankly disgusting in the context of this thread. I really feel it is best we leave it there.

My DS was exceptionally challenging on Sunday. I have very, very little help which means for the most part I am wrangling two very small children alone and while I am not currently working I will soon have the responsibilities of a demanding albeit part time job too. (I have one of those annoying jobs where while I might only be present for three days a week my workload doesn’t dramatically reduce so really I’m working five days in three and for less pay but anyway.) On Sunday it did get a bit much and I’m allowed to have a few hours of wallowing, of having a cry and an offload, then moving on. I don’t need it endlessly harped on about going to GPs or what not and I certainly don’t want to hear any more about Kevin fucking Khatchadourian.

Hopefully your feeling a bit better - not nice for you.

I'd really consider whether the nursery is working - behaviour at home that might be the coke bottle effect from ASD and he's struggling to express how he's feeling. I'd get a note book and try and identify any patterns when things are tricky with your boy

Is it the same when nursery is shut for summer? Or is it a 360 day nursery?

Also I do think your husband isn't great help - you both need to be on the same page with the same level of demands. It's not right your doing xyz and your partner is the lower demand husband with less rules and more fun. Maybe you could change it up a bit

Gosh my child was really difficult at nursery I should have pulled him out - he's diagnosed with pda. I'd consider the family tree for ASD or not .....

Keep going mum you got this - it's really difficult age as the communication isn't there yet at 3