Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

How Old OP. No one can really answer or advice if we don't know their ages.

My DD was the same with her dad at 3. She's now 11 and loves him to bits. Often she was doing this for a reaction more than anything else. At 3 they really are not old enough to despise or rationalise anything as complex as this.

How do you react OP?

Erm. I don’t know what to say. Three year olds aren’t called threenagers for no reason. But he’s three. He doesn’t know how to hate.

You need to keep badgering your GP. Personally I think you need a mix of seeing a lot paediatrician and some therapy for yourself.
You need to keep nagging until you get a response. If your GP is as hopeless as you think then maybe you could change GP?
You could also sit in your Health Visitor clinic until they take you seriously.
Or even report yourself to Social Services.
Hopefully eventually someone will listen.
But splitting your family apart would ultimately help no one. I have a lot of horror stories about similar situations, and it damages everyone's relationships and mental health.

You want to walk out on a THREE year old?????????

OP there are people who can help you but you need to seek it.

You need to see your health visitor urgently.

The other option is talking to your child's nursery or childminder and stating clearly that you need help.

I can see why you really didn't want to tell people his age.

Maybe go to the GP and see what help there might be for you.

Ok, so your reluctance to say he is three shows that a part of you understands you are being unreasonable.

Your child doesn't hate you. Children are programmed to NOT hate their parents, even to the point where abused children still "love" their parents.

I think you have an unhealthy mindset at the moment - perhaps your son is triggering something in you about your own childhood. Children go through phases and it's our job to remain the constant in their lives. You are probably emotionally withdrawing from him and he can sense it.

Have a think about why this might be triggering you so much. Could you benefit from counselling? Children can test the very core of us so you do have my sympathy

Even if I could get through, even if I could badger the GP, I wouldn’t.

Of course he knows how to hate. But even if he didn’t I do. It’s not like he’s generally difficult. Lovely to everyone literally except me and it’s not just a bit of difficult behaviour, it’s just beyond foul and even if I felt inclined at this stage to salvage things he won’t let me near him.

I can’t realistically move out so I suppose this is more a space I vent my feelings. I do actually think it would be best if I did / could.

OP please don’t walk out on a three year old. It’s a very very challenging age. He will come through it.

OP, you sound as if you are in the middle of a mental health crisis. I know you will resist this but it’s true. Speak to someone IRL- husband, health visitor, doctor.

Is your younger child a baby (under 1)?

You really need help and support. You mention previously seeing a private GP. If you really feel you can’t get any sort of GP or HV appointment which is surprising, then this would be a way.

Otherwise the crisis team could be an option (you can google it locally) as there could be mental health issues that you aren’t able to see at the moment.

Have you spoken with your husband, a friend, your child’s nursery? This does sound worrying especially if you haven’t shared your thoughts.

A three year old does NOT know how to hate. And deep down you don’t hate him either. You might be at the end of your tether, at your wits end, but you don’t hate him. You sound like you really need some mental health support. Being a parent is the hardest job in the world.

is there any background to this? Is he adopted? Did you have a rocky start ie NICU stays?

My DD went through a phase like this when she was 3 and it was heartbreaking. You probably already know not to react to the behaviour. Is your other DC younger?

I can’t believe he’s only 3 and you’re debating moving out over it.

Toddlers can be little arseholes at the best of times, but they do not know “hate” unless of course they are shown hate. Get therapy, for yourself more than anything. It will be hugely helpful and in a couple of years time this will all be a distant memory.

@LittleSparklyStar i really do. I have to stop myself really hurting him because I just … yeah. It’s awful I know but I’m just done. I don’t even think of him by his name any more.

There’s no history other than him not really forgiving me for having another child!

Private therapy would be cheaper than operating two households.

a 3yo does not hate you. You are dealing with a child with an underlying behavioral issue and have understandably become stressed and reactive. You need help with that.

Children often save their worst behavior for the person they feel safest with. It’s actually a sign of love, not hatred. What you need is an external evaluation to help you figure out why your child is acting this way.

if the system won’t listen, then start saving for private practitioners. They will be cheaper than moving out and much more effective at solving your problems.

In the meantime, tell your GP you are dealing with depression and anxiety and let them throw a low-dose antidepressant your way. It’s not the perfect solution, but it will help give you the perspective you need to deal with your current stressful situation.

I’m not interested in therapy. I don’t have the time or money for it anyway.

A three year old does not despise you.
Is there a trigger for this behaviour towards you? Period of ill health, time away from the home? You say he's the eldest so did this start when the new baby arrived.

How long has it been like this?

The absolute worst thing you can do for this child and your relationship with him is to move out. It will make things worse for all of you.

I think you need some specialist parenting support. Is there a local family advice service in your area? Or could you self refer to your council's early help service.

I know you say the GP won't help but I think you should try again. You seem determined that nothing will help but I think you're wrong.
You're exhausted and distressed and you aren't able to see a way out but it's there.

I wonder if something like theraplay would be helpful.

www.theraplay.org.uk/parents-and-caregivers

What do you want OP? You’re the parent of a three year old who resents you and his younger sibling as many three year olds do when their parents have other babies. How old is the baby? I think you owe it to your son to talk to a doctor or therapist if you’re saying you want to hurt him

OP, you really sound very unwell. Bluntly, this is not normal and your desire to walk away without seeking a single alternative, less nuclear option is not a rational response.

I beg you, seek support.

Dont abandon your three year old. You need professional help to support you through this. Walking out with one child and abandoning the other will do tremendous emotional and psychological damage to BOTH of them in the long run.

Please speak to a GP/counsellor/therapist and to your DH and your wider family if they are supportive.

OK

he doesn’t despise me. I’m sure he loves me really when he’s kicking me, yanking my hair out, screaming at me to get away from him, pushing me away, shouting NO at everything, yeah . Really loves me.

Where? There is none. I’m stuck with this fucking situation.