Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

You need to seek help tomorrow first thing. Tell them what you've just said.

Does his dad know how you feel?

If you actually feel you are a danger to your child then my advice is different and you probably should leave to safeguard your child.

OP, I will go against the grain here.

Your GP will do bugger all apart from talk about how to help your well being, possibly taking anti depressants which may help keep you going. I agree with you entirely that they won't help with any serious behaviour problems.

Is it an option for you to take 2 or even 3 weeks off and go away on your own?. Sometimes it's all too blimmin much and people feel like they can't carry on anymore if they don't have any hope. I completely hear you. You have to prioritise your well being and a break and complete separation may really help.

Cases where kids can appear hateful and treat mums terribly do happen. I felty child despised me because it was just way beyond normal challenges. It looked and felt like I was despised. It turned out my son is Autistic. It improved alot by age 5 and now nothing like that.

Agree. Thank you.

You might not have time or money for therapy, but your tiny child needs you to turn this around, for the sake of your family.

OP, I’m not going to start recommending books because I don’t think you’re in that headspace, but you need to get ALL the help right now.

Therapy will give you the tools to examine why you feel like this and to find the solution to this problem. You cannot know how your son is feeling about you, because his behaviour is most likely due to his own needs.

Please ask for help. Please.

You are having to stop yourself physically hurting your child and you don't think of him by name. He's not old enough to understand any of this, but you are.

You aren't interested in pursuing the GP or having therapy. Honestly I deal with less risk than you are currently describing at work under social services.

What has your husband said?

Is the younger child less than a year old by any chance.

Have you tried? Have you spoken to your dh? A go? A health visitor? A charity?

nothing you have posted here suggests any effort. You sound sad, upset, desperate, with no ability to be proactive. That screams mental health crisis to me.

Thanks.

I wish it was an option. Realistically though it isn’t. And if I was going it’s better I just go really.

It’s not you who needs therapy right now, it’s your child. The child needs to be evaluated for various conditions. What you are dealing with isn’t normal.

many of us have been there. It can take years to figure out why it is happening. The stress we deal with as mothers during that time period is unbelievable. I promise you, the children always take it out on us. Always.

once you figure out the why, it is like a switch flips. Everything makes sense. It doesn’t solve all your problems, but it still makes everything ok. That explanation and understanding of WHY is so valuable and it gives you a rough guidebook to follow to help make things better.

Op you can’t really want to abandon a three year old? You honestly sound depressed and he will be picking up on this. Please, please get some help.

Call the health visiting service if you can't get to the doctor they should have play specialists who can support you and get to the root of this and help you. Have you gone back to basics? Is your child sleeping enough? Are you keeping calm and consistent? Are they going to nursery? Are you having dedicate fun time with them?

I am very stressed so I know this will come over ruder than intended but I have made it clear I am not going to see a GP even if this was an option.

I am sure we can all think of a time we haven’t taken to someone and I’m sure it does sometimes happen in families but as can be seen here it’s very taboo to talk about.

This.

My eldest was a nightmare when I had twins. Turned out he has autism and things are now much much better. What got me through was therapy, anti depressants and not pretending anymore. It was a hard slog but we are all now fine.

You deserve to feel better.

If he is kicking you and hurting you then it can be very hard to deal with.

Does he do this with your DH as well?

If not, then honestly I'd let your DH handle him as much as possible.

Does he display this behaviour at nursery/pre school as well? I am wondering if there is any possibility of getting support via them.

I have a child who is ND and at times ExH and I had to effectively work in shifts because we would burn out after some time with her.

OP, I know you are in a very bad place right now. You feel powerless and as though there is nobody who cares about YOU. But this really isn't about your child, it's about you being unwell and unable to cope. Lots of us have had three year olds who have been utterly awful, but we've been able to see through the behaviour. The fact that you can't means that it is likely that you are mentally very unwell just now and need help from either your midwife or your health visitor, if you can't get to your GP. You will feel better for talking to someone even if you believe that nobody can help you.

I am depressed but I’m depressed because of the behaviour.

It is extremely upsetting sharing your home with someone who openly shows their contempt for you and their preference for others even if that person is only three.

So could it be that you actually haven’t taken to HIM as opposed to him hating you? No judgemebt, I’m just trying to understand where the bond was broken or didn’t happen.

If my spouse wanted to hurt my child and couldn't even think of him by his name I'd really really want to know. You need to talk to your husband OP.

How at risk is your child, how do you know you can control your impulses?

If you can’t go to your GP go to a and e. A walk in centre. A charity. A helpline. There is SO much support available.

is your youngest less than a year old?

with every post your situation sounds more serious and concerning. If you think you could actively hurt your child you have to act as a matter of absolute urgency to seek help. If you don’t you could risk losing them both.

Yes. That is what they do when there is something wrong and they respond to the person they love the most. He thinks you’ve replaced him.

Why are you not trying to fix this?im struggling with the fact you’d rather abandon a toddler then get therapy.

Hes testing to see how long you’ll love him for and you’ll prove him right by going.

Talk to your husband and get some help.

If you have been depressed all a,one, that would impact his behaviour.

either way, seeking support isn’t just about your possible mental health issues. As I have said, what about parenting support or training, discussions with health visitors etc etc.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat i have tried. For months and months now. I’ve made time at bedtime with stories and cuddles (which he doesn’t want.) I take him to activities, we go out, we do try. I obviously appreciate he doesn’t understand any of this I really do. But it doesn’t work. At first you obviously think this is temporary it happens … now I realise it isn’t, it’s how things are.

@Betteroverhere if you are a risk to your child then actually you need to leave.
Are you refusing to seek help because you're worried about the consequences?