Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

Well clearly not very much as we dislike one another. And believe me staying his doing more damage but I can’t leave. It’s fucking shit.

@Ponderingwindow yes I'm with you on this. There is a high possibility something else is going on here. Only parents who have lived this life would ever understand your feelings. I used to regularly imagine smacking my own child because the feelings the incredibly challenging behaviour evoked were beyond comprehension.
I don't feel any guilt over this now I look back and see how non typical my experience was. I feel whatever else is going on, for your feelings to be so strong there are potentially extra issues your 3 year old has - whatever they may be.

I'd at least disappear for an entire wknd. If you had someone you know you can stay with or even pay for a B and B if you can afford, you should just do it. Husband will cope. An entire wknd to yourself with no kids could change your mindset.

You need to speak to your DH about this. And if possible a good friend or family member. Even if you end up leaving, you need to talk this through with people who know and love you not strangers on the internet.

Was he this way before the arrival of his younger sibling? Sometimes that can cause a lot of acting out, particularly towards mum who usually is more involved with care of younger child. What happens if you take 3yo out without the younger just the two of you?

Think like a 3 year old. Days out are exhausting and too much when they just want their mummy. Play on the floor with him, kick a ball in the garden, make a blanket fort. Think and act like a nursery nurse for 24 hours and see how he reacts.

But you know there must be a reason- special needs, emotional needs, something. Why aren’t you seeing a dr for this toddler? surely your dh is concerned too??!

I honestly have nowhere to go and I wouldn’t actually do that to DH. I love my other child, I used to love this one, I wish to god I still did as then maybe I’d be able to say oh it’s fine normal three year old. It doesn’t feel normal. It feels like living in misery.

I agree with others you urgently need to get help and it sounds as if you have not asked for any yet, for you or your dc. 3 year olds test you, they really do but you can get past it and build a positive relationship . You have been given lots of advice and support and you are dismissive of all of it. He is still a baby and needs you to step up.

OP how old is the youngest child?

Yeah it’s serious which is why she needs to get help.

There’s nothing wrong with him. Why aren’t we seeing a doctor? Well for starters you can’t. As I have now said many times.

Nursery have said no problems. He’s lovely with DH, lovely with most people. Me, I’m shit on his shoe and boy do I know about it.

I've spent the past 14 months of my life feeling under siege by my youngest child, so I have a glimmer of understanding here, op.

Do you feel able to report yourself to social services? There is help out there, especially when you've reached your absolute limit with no ability to engage with support you'd need to pursue yourself.

My heart goes out to you, you must feel absolutely done in with no recourse but this. There are other options, though. There is help.

Call the health visiting service. This is exactly what they're for.

And to be honest if there is something wrong other than our relationship (there isn’t) I don’t really care.

I agree OP, you should leave, because you’ve said that you’re a danger to him and want to hurt him. You need to leave before you snap and act upon it.

No absolutely not. I’m sorry you’re going through it though: it’s horrendous.

There are clearly some really serious issues here and they need sorting for everyone’s sake. Your feelings are obviously very raw and real but three year olds don’t hate in the way you are describing. It would be hugely damaging for your 3 year old but also your other child. You can’t just separate siblings like this. You don’t really mention your DH much either. I think some kind of therapy is urgently needed - perhaps first just for you to start trying to unpack your feelings. What do close family and friends think?

Yes it happens, but not with 3 year olds OP. You’re acting like this is a 25 year old. His brain has not even fully developed yet.

What is the 3yos reaction if he sees his dad cuddling and playing with younger sibling? Basically if you swapped roles so dad had baby, would he react negatively to dad because has baby?

If this is the case then you do need to leave and let your dh parent both of his children.

But there is something wrong. It’s not normal.

health visitor line? Are you telling me it’s impossible to make a drs appointment ever? What do you do if you have some kind of infection and need antibiotics?

What if this happens to the baby too?

You need to speak with dh about this.

Is your baby even born yet? 😂

This was probably me four years ago, pontificating about things I knew nothing about. Come back when it’s three and screams at you to get away every time you go near it. You come back then.

I don’t think you should take your other child though, it’s not fair to split them all up. And you might have the same issues with your second child (you say you used to love your oldest but you don’t any more).
Leave and get some help. Or don’t, that’s up to you. But you can’t be around him at the moment, you’ve admitted that you are a danger to him.

You keep saying there’s no help available OP but I’m telling you if you ring the health visitor, or even the police, and tell them that you hate your 3 year old so much that you sometimes have to stop yourself from hurting him- the support and help will literally be braying your door down.

You go private. As I have said. And for all I agree I should move out if I could I’ve done that for that child, I’ve moved heaven and earth to ensure he is well; to give him a rich and varied experience, to feed him good food.

And there’s no point.