Moving out due to child’s behaviour?

[Betteroverhere]

My husband and I have two children. They are very young so I realise this may be jumping the gun but I’m being as honest as I can. My eldest child has a very poor relationship with me and I seem to be a massive trigger for him . He shouts, snatches, openly shows dislike and contempt for me - shouting get off me, get away, those sorts of things. I

I have just reached my peak with it and I’m upstairs in tears.

I think it might be best for everyone if I moved out. Not necessarily forever but I do feel it might be best if I wasn’t here all of the time. Has anyone ever done this?

The child is 3 ffs, read the thread.

OP - I had a friend in exactly this situation, ten years ago. The fact is it was a vicious circle. The child was naughty and aggressive, the mother couldn't cope and started to dislike him, the child could really sense this and his behaviour deteriorated which made the mother even more unhappy with him. The mum said exactly what you're saying: that the child hated her, that she wanted to walk away, that he was good with everyone except her. However, when I saw them together all I could see was a very sad little boy. He was so naughty and angry simply because he wanted his mother's love. She couldn't see that, at all. Ok it may have started with him, him playing up when his baby brother arrived but it was his mother's reaction that made everything escalate. I wanted to shake her and say "Just love him!". She had a face like thunder whenever he was near her. He couldn't bear it. He ended up always seeking comfort from his dad.
I'm happy to say that the boy is now 13 and he and his mother are close. However, it took many years to repair their relationship.
I'm sorry if you don't like what I have to say but I really believe you're not seeing things clearly. Your child may be naughty and hateful only around you, but I'm sure it's because he can sense your attitude.
You need to show only unconditional love, no matter how vile his behaviour is.

my son is autistic and he can be horrendous. Horrendous. I can’t explain how hard it used to be. I went on antidepressants. I was very depressed. I got better.

Now? I can deal with it. And I can deal with him. His behaviour has got better.

If you’re unwell it’ll just be harder.

I@WhoKnowsWhatToDoWithThis thank you for this. I know it must have been hard. I don’t think DS is autistic. I really don’t. I do think our relationship has been damaged perhaps irreparably. There really are only so many times you can take being pushed away before it works. I know people say oh he’s testing you … no, he honestly isn’t. He genuinely wants me nowhere near him

I said earlier DH isn’t a counsellor and he isn’t. He wouldn’t understand, would probably say something like oh don’t be silly and well … that’s that. It isn’t the answer.

All I can do is close the door on today and prepare myself for a new round tomorrow.

Your stressed out of your head because it’s weekend and you’ve had a belly full this one !
Youve done the best thing walking away upstairs to calm yourself (although you may be getting just as wound up with the answers)
BUT
you do sound like you’ve lost it today

when ds carry’s on like this, can you physically walk away, don’t show him your reaction
hes not winning, winding you up
would that work?? Only you would know we’re not there.

You know what has upset me? Your laughing emoji. How can you make a joke? It’s not funny. If you’re a danger to your child you should be removing yourself from the situation; your lack of cash isn’t a good enough excuse. There’s loads of support available right this very second but you refuse to take it. You refuse to say how old the youngest child is. There’s something very wrong here.

And no he might not be a therapist but he can support you to get help if you can’t/wont.

I’ve loved him for so long sally. And now - I’ve stoped. I didn’t choose to.

Also Google ‘Empathy Fatigue’ OP, it’s a thing. You are only human.

You’re upset

Yes, totally about you 👍🏻

3 was just such a horrible age from my experience. Each year after that was better

No, the thread has been all about you, and how you can access support, and where you can go, but you’ve shut down every single suggestion, and then used a laughing emoji. So don’t come at me for being upset. As a fellow mom, I support you and I get that it’s hard. What I don’t get is that you recognise you’re a danger to your child but you refuse to do anything to protect Jo.

*to protect him

It is upsetting to read someone say that they’re a physical danger to their child but that they’re not willing to get help.

Fine. You don’t want to change things, you don’t want to make it better. You’ve been given so many ways you can get help. You’re refusing. You’re self harming by saying all these things. You know that right? Because then you can hate yourself more.

I hope your dh finds out and gets you help because you won’t. I’m going to leave this thread now as you seem past wanting help and it’s distressing.

Op if you are in very black despair then you need help.

Practical suggestions:

How much time is he in nursery for? Can you get him in more?

Are there any family that could help out even on a temporary basis? You sound like you are at breaking point.

Talk to DH and tell him that you are at breaking point with DS's behaviour. Ask him for suggestions/ f he can spend more time with DS while you have the baby.

You need to reset yourself and make sure you are ok.

Anti-depressants I found did actually help.

Can you arrange an overnight away just to get yourself out of the situation and give yourself some respite?

Someone I know snapped and killed their ‘difficult’ 3 year old 4 years ago. She’s serving a life sentence now. ‘It was too hard to get a GP appointment’ and ‘I couldn’t afford to leave’ wouldn’t have kept her out of prison.

uhhh and you cannot say "no" that's naughty, don't do that. Or That's not nice.

The other problem with telling DH is that unintentionally he is my biggest problem. I’m the horrible parent who cleans teeth and cooks vegetables and says no. The thing is - and I genuinely don’t expect Ds to get this, I really honestly don’t - I’m also the parent who finds the activities he’ll enjoy. I’m the parent who spends far too much on a pair of shoes as it’s got his favourite character on them and I know he’ll love them; I’m the parent who does a lot. I’m not a complete witch. And I don’t expect - or want - any sort of gratitude or anything. I just would like to r tiniest bit. Just the sense he’s pleased to see me or something.

All weekend I’ve had

<whiny crying but not really crying voice> STOP it mummy, get offfff> (I held his hand)

I want DADDY

NO mummy

Get AWAY from me mummy

Constant no in that prolonged sort of voice ‘noooooo’

It’s constant and so unbelievably draining. And because he won’t tolerate me near him I have to take the other one while DH has him so we basically each parent one child which is shit and really not why I had another child.

And like I say something in me just went this evening and I’m done.

And my friend stopped loving her boy too. You have to at least try to be loving to him, even if you feel you don't love him. Otherwise he'll become more and more angry and it will ruin his life.
Like I said, my friend and her son are now close. She loves him again. It can come back. You have to get through this - see the sad little boy he is with you and know that you can make things better.

Do you feel your child is at risk of being harmed by you?

If so then that would qualify for crisis team intervention rather than the gp.

Are you potentially a threat to your child's safety?

So awful.

I know your DH isn't a counsellor. I'm not a counsellor either but I would still have wanted to know if my partner was in absolute despair and appalling mental health.

I would have wanted to know because:
I love them.
We are a team and need to face hard stuff together.
There's something desperately wrong with the relationship between them and one of our children.

If your DH dismisses you and doesn't take you seriously, then signals a much wider issue than just your relationship with your DS.

This sounds very normal for a three year old. Your reaction is unwell.

Is he in danger?