Would you stay unhappy? I think DP has Aspergers syndrome

[blueberrymuffin9]

I've been stuck in a really unfulfilling relationship for 6 years. We have two young DC. No abuse, no real arguments just a very empty existenace. I suspect he has Aspergers (high functioning autism) as he cannot connect on an emotional level, doesn't engage in conversation or ask questions / show any interest in what i'm talking about. Everything is kept on a very superficial level of day to day practicalities, no depth of conversation, no talking about feelings or emotions, no laughing and joking so we just live like housemates. When DC go to bed he will sit next to me in silence and not say a word all evening until he fall asleep on the sofa. He was masking ( a common thing those with autism do) before we can our 1st DC so I wasn't aware of any of the this, after I gave birth I think he felt he had me trapped so could finally be his true self. He masks very well around family and friends so everyone just think he's a great guy, but no one sees the change in him as soon as they leave.

I'm so lonely. I miss connecting with a partner and sharing myself with someone. I feel cheated as this wasn't who I thought he was and this wasn't the life I thought I was walking into. I'm staying for DC and because I don't think I would cope alone with two young DC financially. I'm 33 so feels like a long lonely life if I stay with him. when I bring up how I feel to him he will change for a week ie try to force really fake conversations with me then just goes back to his true self. Please don't suggest counseling as nothing is going to change his brain wiring and I don't even have the energy to try and change him.

You can have a fulfilling relationship with someone with autism. So don't blame that

@KoolKookaburra Would you like to explain to me how that is possible with someone who doesn't have a desire or need for emotional connection? Are you neurotypical?

OP look up cassandra syndrome. I was in a similar position and reading about it made me want to cry because I finally realised that it wasn't just me and my 'high expectations' that were causing me to feel so desolate and lonely.

Can you separate but stay in the same house for a while until you make a plan? If you accept that the relationship is over it may take the tension out of it.

Do you have any shared interests to talk about?
Maybe he feels there is nothing much to say once the practical stuff is complete.
Have you tried telling him about your day, in a low key sort (non flooding way)and in turn asking him about his?
If he really doesn't show any interest in anything you say and doesn't respond to your questions about him and his feelings, I don't think it is to do with autism or Asperger's ...it is just that you don't have any connection/are ill suited regardless of wiring

My son has Asperger's/Autism, and he always asks me about my day and tells me his thoughts about life. I know autistic people with diagnoses that are caring and communicative but prone to overload sometimes but tbh anyone who lives with them would call out selfish disregard for others OR just accept that the relationship marriage friendship was a bit doomed.

I think life with small children is inevitably the worst scenario for misunderstandings/heartbreak/disappointment in another's approach but that doesnt mean you have to put up with long-term . Try neutral ways to reconnect then if you get no response tell him how you feel. If he doesnt "care "....you have your answer. Most loving partners autistic or not would" care "even if something had gone wrong in communication

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5029021-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-10?page=15

Come over here. Many people are in similar situations.

My husbands autistic and we do connect on an emotional level. He also engages in conversations and asks questions / shows an interest in what i'm talking about.

Have you considered that having children has pushed you apart and he’s disconnected as the sparks gone?

you can necessarily put that down to Autism. Not only have I worked with adults and children who have autism for over 15 years, but my son has it (high functioning) so I live with it too. My son is one of the most chatty, engaging, empathetic people I know do please can everyone stop assuming that the less than favourable characteristics that @blueberrymuffin9 mentioned means it must be autism?
OP- it’s possible that he “masked” by acting like the “best version” of himself in the first couple of years of your relationship. We all do that to an extent. Now the rose tinted glasses have long come off- maybe he’s just boring and a bit of a jerk.

You can end any relationship if you are unhappy, and you do not have to put up with being miserable just because he is on the spectrum.

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Just because people on here have partners or relatives who present differently with ASD it doesn't mean that the OP can expect the same from her husband.

I would not readily assume he is anywhere on any autistic spectrum. Nothing you write of re him suggests ASD at all. Stop
making excuses for him and educate yourself far more re ASD generally, your understanding of ASD is very poor.

Pregnancy and birth are flashpoints for abusive men to show their true colours. If he can also behave well around family and friends and not you, that is also the hallmark of an abuser too.

You are not trapped and please rethink staying in this relationship for the childrens sake. It’s not easier for you or they to stay in a miserable relationship and it furthermore teaches them damaging lessons about relationships. Living in such misery is failure. You can and will manage without him
in your day to day lives.

Whether he has Asperger’s or not, he cannot connect with you on an emotional level so the relationship is doomed.

This was my ex. When the shit hit the fan for me on multiple levels, he wasn’t able to step-up and support me. Total emotional abandonment. I did wonder about ASD and masking but pretty sure was abuse rather than Asperger’s.

One of my DC has Asperger’s and while they can be quite self focussed and argumentative etc they most definitely can connect on an emotional level and have a strong moral compass and strong sense of right and wrong.

Why do you feel the need to diagnose him? Did you consider that many mumsnetters are autistic? How do you think they feel reading things like this?

It sounds like you've disconnected since having children which happens to a lot of people. And it doesn't sound like you want to reconnect.

Why did you have 2 dc with someone who you can't have an emotional connection with?

I have an Aspergers diagnosis, and I'm the DH here in my last relationship. My behaviour was nothing to do with Autism, and everything to do with having checked out of a relationship I no longer really cared about. I felt trapped in a cycle of drudgery with someone I had nothing in common with, so there was no conversation, I didn't feel any warmth towards them so no interest their day, no interest in affection. I protected myself from the misery by totally withdrawing, until I eventually realised that the only way to resolve it was to get out of the relationship. Once I did that, I was back to my old self. 8 years into a new relationship and it simply isn't a problem because I'm with someone who I have shared interests with, we are on the same level in terms of emotional needs, and there is a warmth and closeness that had completely evaporated in the old relationship. I'm still Autistic

This does sound very unfulfilling stressful but, as others have said, please don't be too quick to blame autism.

I'm autistic (diagnosed as an adult) but have a close relationship with my dp.

I suspect that I inherited my autism from my Dad. I'll never know for sure because he died a couple of weeks before I went for my assessment but we were so similar to each other and once I began looking into it for myself, his autistic traits just screamed out at me. I didn't mention it to him or my mum but had intended to if I received a diagnosis myself. Then I never had the chance.

My mum and dad had a very close relationship, they talked for hours, he was very loving and I know that she still misses him desperately every day.

I'm autistic.

Autistic people are capable of having emotional connections with other people and are capable of having fulfilling relationships.

Like a PP said what you have written about him doesn't scream autism but you sdon't have to stay in a relationship with someone who makes you unhappy.

His own father is diagnosed with Aspergers and they are very similar in many aspects. So with all due respect you cannot possibly understand my relationship or tell me what is / is not the problem based on one mumsnet post. This is my life and my lived experience so it's not up for debate from strangers on the internet. I blamed myself for many years but my basic needs are not and never have been the problem! He's very happy with how the relationship is and sees nothing wrong. Only those who have experienced this type of relationship being neurotypical themselves could possibly understand the pain of never truly being properly seen and heard. It's bloody heartbreaking! You only have to look on the married to someone with Aspergers support thread to see that. I clearly posted on the wrong forum so will happily remove myself. But thank you to those with helpful advice.

Take care of yourself, Op. that is more important than hiding your experience for fear of offending random people on the internet. If you aren’t happy you are not happy. Please get out and start over.

I think you should try couples counselling

I fully understand you. I've been with my Husband for 23 years. He's undiagnosed but now more and more things are appearing as ' because of his 'probable asd' all the time he's been increasingly difficult to live with but since or daughter was born he literally had zero interest in Me as a person. Or daughter had become his new " special interest" in an
ASD way meaning I was relegated to the role of
Annoyinv person responsible for carrying out all jobs necessary for his existence. This meant telling about food requirements( specific) , what he wouldn't want changed, what I must do, and importantly how everything must be done. He goes crazyy when anything he didn't like happens and when something unexpected occurs.
He has no mental flexibility. Our child made things much harder as he now treats her like a prize almost but takes everything in literal face value, a child " pretending" to cry,be upset etc is a nightmare. I instantly see she is being manipulative to some odds, everything he will believe is real, everyone around is astonished. I've finally realised why.
The whole dynamic in these relationships is hard. There are traumatic and actuality unintentionally very abusive. Asd partners can be extremely controlling with everything which extends to partners and what you can do, and also household money. My husband s requirement that you dio things a certain way, often when he had no idea how to do them even is ridiculous. It's truly isolating, demoralising, depressing and makes you utterly lonely and miserable. My husband dotes on his child in an ASD, way but it removes ang interest he had in even speaking to me as s he's only interest in his child.
I've noticed a time goes on the masking reduces and as stress happens in their life. They mask less with you so life does become harder. My mental health has been dreadfully impacted by this over the years, its got to complete breakdown point where I've become suicidal and been quite unweil. It ate me up personality. I needed time to go and think about things and have found a counselor who is very experienced in specifically dealing people who are in asd relationships. I'm going to session or two with her and see if it helps. Perhaps you could try the same I think the nore you can actual see what's going on the stronger you can feel . But you might actuality gain clarity on how to best deal with it and understand what you want and need. I how you do well. Sending Lots if strength xxx

A lot of autistic people do want and desire emotional connection. But sounds like it’s very tough with your DP. You don’t ever have to stay in a relationship with someone if it’s making you miserable. It’s okay to prioritse your happiness even if it makes your kids poorer.

This is all so patronising. An OP who self diagnosed her husband and then goes on to lecture those on the spectrum about how they behave.

Don't forget those brackets guys.

I have an (adult) child with Aspergers and don’t really understand. You say that before children, there was ‘masking’ enabling a deep emotional connection where you felt heard and valued, but that stopped when first child came along, and you no longer have this? Thats one hell of an ability to mask I must say!