Would you stay unhappy? I think DP has Aspergers syndrome

[blueberrymuffin9]

I've been stuck in a really unfulfilling relationship for 6 years. We have two young DC. No abuse, no real arguments just a very empty existenace. I suspect he has Aspergers (high functioning autism) as he cannot connect on an emotional level, doesn't engage in conversation or ask questions / show any interest in what i'm talking about. Everything is kept on a very superficial level of day to day practicalities, no depth of conversation, no talking about feelings or emotions, no laughing and joking so we just live like housemates. When DC go to bed he will sit next to me in silence and not say a word all evening until he fall asleep on the sofa. He was masking ( a common thing those with autism do) before we can our 1st DC so I wasn't aware of any of the this, after I gave birth I think he felt he had me trapped so could finally be his true self. He masks very well around family and friends so everyone just think he's a great guy, but no one sees the change in him as soon as they leave.

I'm so lonely. I miss connecting with a partner and sharing myself with someone. I feel cheated as this wasn't who I thought he was and this wasn't the life I thought I was walking into. I'm staying for DC and because I don't think I would cope alone with two young DC financially. I'm 33 so feels like a long lonely life if I stay with him. when I bring up how I feel to him he will change for a week ie try to force really fake conversations with me then just goes back to his true self. Please don't suggest counseling as nothing is going to change his brain wiring and I don't even have the energy to try and change him.

@chicken2015 Where did I say autistic people are unable to have emotional connections or have desire???? I haven’t once said that, that’s how you’ve perceived my posts. Not you, not your husband, not your child, not your uncle but MY DP. Many in relationships with those with Asperger’s will say exactly the same although not all as it’s a spectrum as I’m sure you are well aware of?

Hi, OP. I'm fairly like your DH in conversational terms, but I'm lucky to be married to someone who is similar, so we can sit together doing our own things but feel connected.

Your situation sounds so difficult and lonely. My first H withdrew when company went, having been outgoing, but in his case it was probably NPD. Anyway, I remember the loneliness.

Have you tried date nights? It sounds like he really wants to make it work but he's trying to be someone he isn't, full time. What about if you had one evening a week (or whatever works) where he can psych himself up, so to speak, to be the person he was that drew you to him in the first place?

It sounds like he's swerving between all and nothing, so this could be a halfway house that gives him down time and gives you connection time.

I've also heard people say their partners like them to have a five minute catch up each evening: "how was your day?" etc. Again, if he knows it's a five minute thing that makes a difference to you, would he work it into his day?

These things might feel rather false to begin with, but they can still have a positive effect regardless.

I didn't say u said it directly I'm talking about u replying specifically to a comment that said not all autistic people lack emotional connections. This person obviously felt after reading your op that that needed to be said ! And u directly reply to that comment like I explained in last comment about it. And not just me thought that maybe that was implied. But u have now said u didn't mean that so great! Also its not a stretch to assume u mean it as u belive his behaviour is because he is potentially autistic!

You're not happy, so leave. Simple.

My Eldest has Aspergers.. he's kind caring and very loving.. he runs baths for his GF..buys her thoughtful gifts all the time..they go out.. they talk.. they engage..
He does love talking about his own interests too . Sometimes he can't follow simple instructions.. but he's at Uni and works part time... where he does mask.

I connect through conversation and intimacy. I feel connected to people by sharing emotions, back and forth conversation and receptivity. I love to laugh and even laugh at myself. I love to discuss life, concepts and the meaning behind things. None of this I can do with him. Every time I’ve tried in the past (I do not any more as it feels like a rejection and hurts) I am met with one word answers or just a phrase that ends the conversation. All conversations lead to a dead end.

I'm sorry, but I REALLY don't understand how a man you were interested in and was always like this turned into a boyfriend, then a fiance, then a husband, then a father.

She's not being rude, just direct, which is to be expected for someone with autism.

ND or not, It sounds to me that you understand your husband very well and are also very sure that he can't give you what you need. You may have answered your own question.

It's funny how Adhd/ASD and many other disorders are diagnosed when a man won't help out in the house yet when an OP describes a totally valid symptom, she's told, not my Nigel. Or not me. Many, many people with asd DO NOT feel the pull for emotional connection. Why are posters attempting to gaslight the OP?
Well done @blueberrymuffin9 for seeing straight through it. If you had posted that he was useless around the house he would have been diagnosed by reply number 5.
You cannot live like this, it will be an incredibly lonely life.

Ignore the people who expect you to stay in a miserable marriage just because your partner is ND.
They pop up on all the threads like this one hoping to be offended and outraged 🙄

I think a lot of us read the OP and thought 'don't blame autism'

I belive if he isn't making u happy u should leave, regardless if he is nd or not.

Then thats your problem. The OP wasn't offensive one bit. The OP was upset and asking for advice. Shame on all of the posters who tried gaslighting her instead of you know, advising.
It makes me absolutely furious. If you are that desperate to be offended, go somewhere where people aren't looking for advice.

I agree with this. I have autism and enjoy warm, close relationships. But if the connection fades, then there's nothing. No small talk, no affection, nothing. Because I can't fake it.

She wasn't only, literally first comment is don't blame autism! The op has explained so it's now been cleared up , however to be absolutely furious is a little much and quite ironic considering your complaining that they are desperate to be offended !

I said furious @chicken2015 not offended. Those two words have totally seperate meanings.
Also, I was replying to a comment that came AFTER the OP explained things. Which is why i quoted that poster and not the others 🙄

He is probably depressed living with someone so ignorant of asd to make such assumptions.

Both my children are Autistic and both completely different on a social and emotional level. One loves emotional connection and has lots of friends, the other is a lot more independent, does not need anything from anyone, only interested in talking about his chosen subjects.

My ex DH (father of my children) is most definitely autistic too (has acknowledged he most likely is but will not go for an assessment). While he was also an abusive, gaslighting prick it was his general indifference and complete inability to support, comfort, connect with me that was the most soul destroying part of our marriage. The loneliness was crushing. After years of therapy my counsellor made me realise that autism or not, it was the same outcome to my mental and emotional wellbeing.

My advice would be to leave, for the sake of your sanity, mental health and physical health. His indifference towards you will eventually destroy you, autism or not. I wish you well OP xx

Your DH sounds like me. I'm just absolutely exhausted by having to mask at work on a daily basis and then run a household on top of that. I literally have no space in my mind for anything else and at night just happy to sit in peace then go to bed early or fall asleep on the sofa. I'm sure DH gets frustrated but he could step up and not leave everything to me.

Why must people tromp all over OP ? She is describing an intolerable level of coldness and indifference from her H. The potential ASD dx was meant both factually and to remove blame from him. She believes he is not wired to connect with her. Not that he chooses to ignore her needs.

Indeed. I also used to tell my partner there was nothing wrong when I was confronted, because admitting I wasn't happy would then prompt an immediate, follow-on dialogue/barrage of questions that I wasn't prepared for and would have prompted a meltdown. In the end, I was the one who initiated the "it's time to call this a day" conversation, because that was only possible once I'd resolved all my other qualms about why, precisely, I was so unhappy, and once I was completely convinced it was because of a dead relationship.

In the end though, it doesn't matter what the cause of it is. If you aren't having your emotional needs met then you are incompatible and the relationship needs brought to an end. It makes me really uncomfortable going into the "support" thread because the prevailing attitude appears to be that ND partners need "trained" to meet their partner's needs, and I can't really comprehend that because it's not something I struggle with, whereas I wouldn't be able to cope with a partner who tried to change me into something I'm not. I can't fake affection, I can't fake concern, and if I'm not inclined to hug someone, you are liable to get physically pushed away, or worse, if you insist on trying. I don't believe those things can be "manufactured". The emotion is either present or it's not, and I can only imagine forcing it is both totally stilted and deeply uncomfortable.

OP I could have written this myself, I left my husband because it all got too much, turns out he's a very nasty and manipulative person. I suspected autism but he's actually a narcissist and I'd used autism as an excuse for his behaviour for years! Since leaving him he has re-written our whole history and is trying to convince me I was the issue! He's even trying to tell me that he left me, it's absolutely bonkers!
Whatever is really going on, you aren't happy and you deserve more! I think, like me, you've wanted to leave for a long time you're just talking yourself out of it. You need to put yourself first

@pikkumyy77 Why must people tromp all over OP ? She is describing an intolerable level of coldness and indifference from her H. The potential ASD dx was meant both factually and to remove blame from him. She believes he is not wired to connect with her. Not that he chooses to ignore her needs

If the ASD was not thrown in, then the responses would have been very different I suspect. Essentially, the OP had a warm and engaging DH that she chose to have kids with. After which, the DH became cold and indifferent. However, the DH is warm and engaging with others. The OP states this is due to ASD. That’s what people are commenting about because it seems odd. If the OP had of put forward, ‘my DH who was warm and engaging toward me, and consequently who I chose to have children with, is now cold and indifferent which is making me unhappy, should I leave’, I think she would have received a very different set of responses.

Comparing people with asd to narcissism is really low.