Would you stay unhappy? I think DP has Aspergers syndrome

[blueberrymuffin9]

I've been stuck in a really unfulfilling relationship for 6 years. We have two young DC. No abuse, no real arguments just a very empty existenace. I suspect he has Aspergers (high functioning autism) as he cannot connect on an emotional level, doesn't engage in conversation or ask questions / show any interest in what i'm talking about. Everything is kept on a very superficial level of day to day practicalities, no depth of conversation, no talking about feelings or emotions, no laughing and joking so we just live like housemates. When DC go to bed he will sit next to me in silence and not say a word all evening until he fall asleep on the sofa. He was masking ( a common thing those with autism do) before we can our 1st DC so I wasn't aware of any of the this, after I gave birth I think he felt he had me trapped so could finally be his true self. He masks very well around family and friends so everyone just think he's a great guy, but no one sees the change in him as soon as they leave.

I'm so lonely. I miss connecting with a partner and sharing myself with someone. I feel cheated as this wasn't who I thought he was and this wasn't the life I thought I was walking into. I'm staying for DC and because I don't think I would cope alone with two young DC financially. I'm 33 so feels like a long lonely life if I stay with him. when I bring up how I feel to him he will change for a week ie try to force really fake conversations with me then just goes back to his true self. Please don't suggest counseling as nothing is going to change his brain wiring and I don't even have the energy to try and change him.

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Please stop calling it asbergers

@Psychoticbreak I'm not comparing them at all.
I'm saying in my experience what I excused as autistic behaviour was narcissistic and that became apparent after leaving him.
I'm not comparing the 2 at all. People with autism can be abusers.. and autism isn't an excuse to treat people badly. Never did I compare the 2, very different issues.

No one is asking anyone to fake concern or intimacy or connection. People are noting a mismatch in style that may be based in a mismatch of goals, or ideas, or attunement and asking if there is something that can bring about more intimacy or attunement. If not: the relationship has to end.

Your partner is not behaving in this way because of ASD. Your relationship has run its course. It sounds like he is perfectly capable of connecting with other people.

Neurodivergent people are capable of love and emotional connection just like every human being. The stereotype that people with ASD are incapable of emotions is very harmful and results in autistic people being abused and bullied. Understandably this may not be your concern in your present circumstances. Also understandably "he has a brain problem" is more palatable than "he doesn't love me anymore", but the latter is the likelier explanation.

The truth is regardless if those on the spectrum want to admit it or not many with ASD do have issues with emotional connection, emotional regulation, reading emotions etc. 90% of the replies here have been from those on the spectrum essentially defending themselves.

I don't care for any advice from here after the replies but I'm not treading on egg shells and I will not be gaslit by strangers on the internet (funnily enough both of those things I have to do and experience regularly at home). I haven't even outlined other issues that this relationship brings especially around parenting that again are a direct result of my DP being on the spectrum. My DP does mask around others, he does not know how to connected deeply, I do have shut down a huge part of myself around him, he does not understand what emotional connection is, he has no need or desire to connect emotionally, I no longer try to connect with him anymore, he has not just emotionally checked out, he's not just being a man, he believes our relationship is great and is very happy and he does have Aspergers syndrome (50% chance of it being passed down from this own father). All of these issues are a direct result of him being on the spectrum and just because that is not the case for you does not mean that isn't the case for my DP. You know nothing of my relationship or my DP so to assume YOU a complete stranger knows more of my relationship than I do just because you have ASD is utterly ridiculous.

And yet here you are on to a forum of strangers looking for advice from people who cannot possibly know anything about your relationship or you or your husband.

And aspergers is an outdated term not used anymore.

@Psychoticbreak Yes I was looking for genuine advice on the internet from strangers not to be attacked and gaslit by those with ASD themselves.

I totally understand OP. My DH would also drive an hour to get medicine and is great with practical support, but emotional support, unless he's had the same experience, forget it. Those needs have to be met elsewhere.

There is so much wonderful about my DH but gosh, it can be challenging at times.

@blueberrymuffin9 gaslit by people with asd? Because we dont comprehend giving advice or something?

Here is a thing. I was married years ago. We were happy, affectionate, loving etc. Until I just fell out of love with him. I did not necessarily care about a divorce and was happy to tip around the house and be friendly and co exist but I had no interest really in him as a person friend or lover. It was nothing to do with my asd it was to do with the fact I just stopped loving him. Not everything is to do with asd.

And just to add even if he does have asd or is a narcissist or just a bloody dick why would you want to stay? You say it is unfulfilling, you are not happy, you want more so why stay? Whether he has asd or not has absolutely nothing to do with the fact you have asked him to change and he either cannot or will not. This is never going to change no matter what. 33 is no age. Trust me walk away and find peace happiness and friendship because whether he does or does not have asd what he does have is the ability to make you unhappy and nobody deserves that. Its a short life.

Genuine question. Do you think you just feel out of love or did he stop being your special interest?

I'm not sure I'm NT but I'm definitely capable of emotional support and seeing things from other perspectives, being able to know what people need. It's not always as easy as just leaving. There's often a lot of good and we can have fun together. It can just be a bit crazy making at times (he's very, very noisy).

He was never my 'special interest'. I think people read bullet points about asd and make incorrect assumptions. I have autism and adhd, I have friends, very close ones. I have and am in tune with my own emotions, that of my kids, my friends etc. I fell in love, got married, and little by little he started doing things that I just found less and less attractive as time went by. I fell out of love. I had never a hyperfocus on him, I do on lots of things but not on people funnily enough. I am blunt and straight forward, cannot deal in lying or being fake so I did establish in my head that I was no longer in love with him so I was open and ended it. I told him I was happy to live side by side in the house etc but he was so upset that even looking at him like that turned me off him more, He eventually left and became the biggest nightmare to me for years so I stayed single for over a decade afterwards.

Also my mum is a narcissist. Textbook. No empathy, lacks in emotion unless she fakes it and is just basically a downright nasty human being so I guess the comment before about comparing people with asd (as in say myself who I think of as a loving and caring human being) compared to an emotional vampire like the person who gave birth to me struck a nerve. I am not sure I have ever gotten a proper hug off her and the only time shes ever asked myself or siblings abiut their lives is when she is looking for information to beat us with at a later stage. She doesnt care what any of us do hence no questioning. She just wants to gather information to store up for a later time or if she does ask a question you can tell her face is glazing over listening to the answer because she needs to think she is coming across as a normal human and is actually just trying to think of another question a normal human would ask. A narcissit masking and a person masking just to live and be accepted are totally different ways of masking.

Thanks. You sound like my kind of person. Straight forward and real.

When my DH was diagnosed with ADHD we were told about how it is quite usual for them to make their love interest their special interest, during which they are the perfect partner and we marry them, which lasts about three years. That makes perfect sense in my case. He is also autistic.

I believe I'm autistic but in a very different way, and not in the same way as many autistic people. Won't bother with the details.

I'm in a rather grumpy mood today because of his behaviour yesterday. I just need some quiet. Not that he's awful, just a few things I can't deal with very well right now.

I think that is why when you have asd etc and you get accused of gaslighting it gets the heckles up as we usually and I am just talking textbook, have to mask/fake so many things that gaslighting well to me anyway would push me over the edge.

I find it amusing you say autistic but in a different way to other people with autism because i was teh same before. I looked at a check list after my diagnosis and went nah not me but the more you learn about yourself and almost watch yourself the more it resonates and then of course my hyperfocus was on learning about it all . There is a forum here on neurodiverse mums if you wanted to join in.

Sure. I'll see if I can find it.

Fortunately I don't tend to fall for gaslighting or PA approaches (I have a very effective approach to PA people). I am an expert as masking though. My mother had no room for emotions or difficulties, so I hid them all. If I tried to vent to her about the current stuff with my DH she'd tell me I'm wrong, and I know I'm not.

Maybe that's what's made me very good at being emotionally sensitive and attuned to other people. I don't want other people to go through that. I'm good at seeing things from other people's perspective, even if it's different from my own.

I might go scrub something. Get this annoyed energy out somewhere. I've also hit that middle aged woman part where I'm no longer willing to put up with all the crap I'm expected to from other people. I'm going to get some consideration too from now on.

There is also a thread called 'we took you to stately homes' about narcissitic people, mainly parents, in my case my mother. It definitely is why some of us people with asd and other things can see through a clearer lense than most. Sadly experience but also education on both subjects and learning to dfferentiate between them. Enjoy your ocd fix. Im off to bed.

The short answer, OP, is that if you’re unhappy and don’t feel emotionally supported in this relationship, you are entitled to end it. If this is who he is (for whatever reason) and being married to him makes you unhappy, you don’t want to waste your life feeling that way. 💐

That statement seems rather on point. What makes sense to you (the relationship just ending as it no longer meets your needs) is rather unusual. A more typical response would be to grieve the loss of the relationship—to be angry or sad. The OP point is that her DH does not connect with her emotionally. Your description of the end of your marriage perfectly fits this paradigm. It is not a rebuttal.

@Psychoticbreak Again you are making assumptions based on yourself. My DP gets upset when I try to explain to him about my emotional needs not being met, he does not understand and thinks our relationship is normal. He has not fallen out of love he just can't connect beyond a superficial level (with anyone not just myself).

If I was a mother with an autistic child expressing my concerns that my child is non verbal, cannot communicate with me and has no desire to would you respond in the same way? Telling me that I must be wrong and that my child being non verbal is nothing to with autism because you yourself are not non verbal and your own child is not non verbal. That maybe my child just doesn't like or love me anymore so that must be why they aren't communicating with me but it's definitely nothing to do with autism. Can you understand how odd that would be? That's exactly how you and all the others have responded.

OP if your relationship isn't working for you I would say that is very valid and you can seek counseling or leave.

The part of your posts about autism which is jarring to me is your assumption that your DH doesn't need or desire emotional connection. This upsets autistic people as your DH does need and desire emotional connection or he wouldn't have entered into a relationship, or had a baby. My own autistic ds has no intention of doing either, by the way, as he finds the vulnerability of connection very difficult indeed.

The issue isn't that your DH has no wish or desire for connection, it's that he achieves it in a way that is different from what you desire. He feels connected in quiet companionship, sitting next to you on the sofa, or going out to buy medicine when you are ill. This is still a problem, but it's a two way problem. It's not that DH doesn't care, and is deficient or empty, it's that you have a "ways of connecting" mismatch. This is shown because When you bring this up a) he is surprised and upset because he thought things were fine, because he feels connected the way he was doing it and b,) he makes an effort to try to be more active in talking with you, which shows he is trying.

Autistic people can get defensive when they are told they have no emotions or feelings, when really the issue is that there is a mismatch between what satisfies his emotional needs and yours. Neither of you is wrong or defective, you just operate differently, and that's proving very difficult for you.

I hope you find a way forward to a happy future, together or apart.

Aspergers as a term certainly is used by people who have that diagnosis and those who care for them.

Fair enough if that’s what they were diagnosed with and still like l use it but it’s a very outdated term. Op’s husband hasn’t been diagnosed so would not be diagnosed with that if he were today.

@blueberrymuffin9 PM'd you, it's not an attack