Would you stay unhappy? I think DP has Aspergers syndrome

[blueberrymuffin9]

I've been stuck in a really unfulfilling relationship for 6 years. We have two young DC. No abuse, no real arguments just a very empty existenace. I suspect he has Aspergers (high functioning autism) as he cannot connect on an emotional level, doesn't engage in conversation or ask questions / show any interest in what i'm talking about. Everything is kept on a very superficial level of day to day practicalities, no depth of conversation, no talking about feelings or emotions, no laughing and joking so we just live like housemates. When DC go to bed he will sit next to me in silence and not say a word all evening until he fall asleep on the sofa. He was masking ( a common thing those with autism do) before we can our 1st DC so I wasn't aware of any of the this, after I gave birth I think he felt he had me trapped so could finally be his true self. He masks very well around family and friends so everyone just think he's a great guy, but no one sees the change in him as soon as they leave.

I'm so lonely. I miss connecting with a partner and sharing myself with someone. I feel cheated as this wasn't who I thought he was and this wasn't the life I thought I was walking into. I'm staying for DC and because I don't think I would cope alone with two young DC financially. I'm 33 so feels like a long lonely life if I stay with him. when I bring up how I feel to him he will change for a week ie try to force really fake conversations with me then just goes back to his true self. Please don't suggest counseling as nothing is going to change his brain wiring and I don't even have the energy to try and change him.

I have a similar partner but I haven't thought it's ASD or Asperger's. My therapist has suggested (although can't officially diagnose him) that his behaviour sounds like gaslighting and she dropped the narc word in too once. I have been reading up about avoidance attachment and that seems to fit too. My friends and families would be shocked if I told them as he presents as good guy---albeit often an aloof one. I personally feel he fits the definition of a good guy gaslighter. There's a book on it. I too am very lonely, have zero emotional connection with him, he takes zero genuine interest in my life. Everything has to be sunny and rosy and he can't function if I have a problem. His mother is exactly the same but again I feel hers in trauma based rather than ASD.

I have DS with Asperger’s/autism
He doesn’t mask, asks me about my day and we share a sense of humour.

Why have you concluded your DH has Asperger’s ?

Maybe he was just one of those men who put on a mask until they feel they’ve got you ?
Doesn’t mean he has autism.

I don’t think a person could “mask”their autism for that long ! It’s a condition !

What do you know about ASD, OP ? How come you feel able to diagnose your DH ?

I don't think you know that much about autism if you're still using the term Asperger's syndrome anyway! If you're unhappy n your marriage you're allowed to end it, autism or not.

@blueberrymuffin9 I think you are allowed to end things if you are miserable. You are really young. He sounds more like he has checked out. Can you ask him directly?

The support thread does feel really negative at times but I'm sure there are many instances where a ND/NT relationship would thrive. My partner is ND but we are much earlier in our relationship

Whatever the reason for his behaviour if it is making you unhappy leave.

@PineappleTime I don't think you know that much about autism if you're still using the term Asperger's syndrome anyway

There’s always one …… You do realise that many people were diagnosed under this term previously? That those people have literally grown up with this as an identity? YOU don’t get to dictate how they identify or what terms are used. You ma try and berate OP but I suggest you never ever try that on with someone who has spent all formative years identifying as Asperger’s. And no, that doesn’t make them Nazi lovers either before you toddle down that path.

blueberrymuffin9 I hear you.

I'm ND myself, diagnosed ADHD, my DS is diagnosed ASD.

I strongly suspect my partner is on the spectrum, my mum is, as is her brother, so suffice to say I have a fair bit of experience of living with people with ASD.

I'm sorry you're getting such a poor response here. People are feeling personally attacked I think, and forgetting that "if you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism". Just because they think they / their DC are living rich emotional lives, doesn't mean your DH's lack of emotional depth isn't down to ASD.

He sounds a lot like my DP tbh, and like you, after getting to know him very well, I put the way he is down to his wiring, rather than the situation. He's a decent man, and would be a good partner to someone who likes expressing love through actions. But I now recognise how important it is to me to share my life through words, to have conversations with emotional depth, to be heard and understood. DP never asks me a question about anything beyond the surface.

I'm desperately lonely and trapped. I'll be in my 50s soon and feel like I'm wasting my life. Please get out while you can.

If I were you OP, I'd leave. Autism or not, it's not relevant really. You're unhappy and lonely. It doesn't seem like your husband can give you what you need long term.

I left my ex husband around your age, for different reasons, we had 2 young children and 15 years later I'm so grateful to my younger self for doing it.

I don't know your husband. I know mine who has ASD. I don't need to explain our relationship to you and the answer to your question about if I'm neurotypical is too complicated and private for me to answer on a forum.

Yes I have and emotional connection with my husband. I'm sorry you don't. If you want to leave him leave him.

I hear you OP. Please leave. You're young, the relationship is making you miserable and your husband is refusing or unable to make meaningful effort to work on it. The WHY doesn't actually matter so please don't waste time on unpicking it.

Please can posters advise the OP on her situation, not argue about their own experiences of autism not matching what she describes. It isn't about you. Especially the poster calling her patronising. She knows her husband and his family history even if his potential autism isn't the reason or full reason for his behaviour in the relationship. I am ND. People might not like it but it can be a factor in how we are as partners.

I hear you, OP. I'm in a similar situation.

I suspect my DH has ASD (he was the one who initially suggested it) and since we had DC he has changed. We would also just sit in silence a whole evening if I didn't make conversation. My theory is that since we had DC, it's become harder for him to put energy into connecting with me and I didn't realise it took so much energy from him before. And perhaps I was interesting to him before but I'm not now.

No advice, just solidarity. I find reading that other ASD support thread helpful.

(Also PPs have clearly forgotten the "spectrum" part of ASD. Just because some people with ASD can emotionally connect, not all can. We have examples of both in our family.)

Wow, the arseholes were out for this one weren't they?
OP, you cannot live like this, you get one life. Don't bring your children up to think this is what a relationship is. You can do it on your own, your kids deserve a happy, healthy mum. Not one who ends up a shell of herself. Lots of women do it alone, you can claim UC, look into your options. Good luck.

I was going to say this, but Attila has said it perfectly. This doesn’t sound much like autism so much as abuse. Or at least him feeling like he doesn’t need to make any effort to make you happy now you’re trapped with him.

Everyone stop being a dick to the OP. Lack of social and emotional reciprocity is literally a criterion in the diagnosis of autism, as is difficulty with understanding others emotions. You can get a diagnosis WITHOUT this being an issue or with it showing up on other ways as long as the overall pattern still fits the criteria which is why we all know autistic people who ARE interested and emotionally connected. But that doesn't mean OP is wrong to consider autism for her husband. And either way, she should leave as they are not compatible, autism or not.

It's amazing how many NT on here hark on about autistic people lacking empathy or emotions while failing to comprehend they're doing exactly what they are accusing others of. It's also a poor and stereotypical account of the diagnostic criteria.

He may have autism, he may not. It doesn't explain a switch from being a kind partner to a disinterested partner. He isn't making any effort and don't have to stay in a relationship with someone who is treating you badly.

My DH was diagnosed as a child and isn't like that. We laugh and joke a lot together. Bit of a generalisation there! You say your DH was masking before. Do you know this for a fact? In what other ways does he have traits? Any special interests?

I think this is very true

OP, your husband isn't fulfilling your needs and you are unhappy

He is actively CHOOSING to be a great guy around other people and to be horrible/uncaring/disinterested around you

To me that sounds psychopathic or sociopathic in basis , rather than autistic

However, whatever ....he isn't a nice person

Leave him

What has the OP's experience got to do with your husband?

The first reply to OP was 'You can have a fulfilling relationship with someone with autism. So don't blame that'

And OP replied saying she didn't think it was possible. I'm telling her it is, speaking from experience. Hope that helps.

Lots of people have diagnoses of Aspergers, that is their formal diagnosis

Lots of professionals, see the benefit in having different categories of diagnosis for ASD, the 'catch all' diagnosis is unhelpful in many ways.

OP many people with autism do have a need and desire for emotional connection. That's why many people with autism are in relationships. People with autism are less likely to read the signals (eg facial expression) to know when to connect, or not realise why something is important to their NT partner. Most people though would learn to ask their partner, and show care. So for example, in a relationship - NT partner learns to tell ASD partner when they're upset instead of expecting ND partner to recognise it. ND partner learns how to respond - offer a cup of tea, ask questions etc.

His lack of connection with you is common with many men who become distant or check out after having a child. Focusing on whether or not he may be autistic is a bit of a red herring. Say he did get diagnosed with ASD. What difference would it make? Would you stay with him and put up with this relationship still?

My husband has narcissistic personality disorder, and behaves in the ways you describe.

Nope I’m not neurotypical and neither are my children. We all need an emotional connection and people with autism also have empathy. Myself and my oldest son have “too much” empathy.

She hasn’t done that. She came on asking for genuine advice and has been attacked by patronising people so no wonder she has got defensive. Only she knows the reality of living with her partner and as she has explained his dad had Asperger’s so it isn’t just a stab in the dark with her thought process. Some people are so cruel on here for absolutely no reason.

Why would that help me, and are you considering providing any response that actually helps the OP or just jumping on her about not knowing or caring about every person in the world with ASD?