Would you stay unhappy? I think DP has Aspergers syndrome

[blueberrymuffin9]

I've been stuck in a really unfulfilling relationship for 6 years. We have two young DC. No abuse, no real arguments just a very empty existenace. I suspect he has Aspergers (high functioning autism) as he cannot connect on an emotional level, doesn't engage in conversation or ask questions / show any interest in what i'm talking about. Everything is kept on a very superficial level of day to day practicalities, no depth of conversation, no talking about feelings or emotions, no laughing and joking so we just live like housemates. When DC go to bed he will sit next to me in silence and not say a word all evening until he fall asleep on the sofa. He was masking ( a common thing those with autism do) before we can our 1st DC so I wasn't aware of any of the this, after I gave birth I think he felt he had me trapped so could finally be his true self. He masks very well around family and friends so everyone just think he's a great guy, but no one sees the change in him as soon as they leave.

I'm so lonely. I miss connecting with a partner and sharing myself with someone. I feel cheated as this wasn't who I thought he was and this wasn't the life I thought I was walking into. I'm staying for DC and because I don't think I would cope alone with two young DC financially. I'm 33 so feels like a long lonely life if I stay with him. when I bring up how I feel to him he will change for a week ie try to force really fake conversations with me then just goes back to his true self. Please don't suggest counseling as nothing is going to change his brain wiring and I don't even have the energy to try and change him.

@Chinuplippyon the person you're quoting answered the OP's question that the OP put directly to her, not sure why you're objecting so much to that.

There are many posts on these boards where OPs describe unhappy/abusive situations and trying to compare or prove causes - is he drinking, is he having an affair, is he depressed. Often seeking 'proof'. The message is always - regardless of the cause, is it good enough for you? That's what is important.

If the partner was interested in improving the relationship then there's merit in understanding the cause to be able to think about how best it might be done - sadly in this situation the OP makes it clear their partner isn't.

This sounds familiar, my DP has Autism and, crucially, Alexithymia (they often go
together), which I think is what causes the worst bits of the emotional disconnect between us. We are, as I see it, housemates basically, companions. He just doesn’t operate in a world of emotional connection - sitting not touching next to me on the sofa or walking together is what he thinks is connection. It’s tough for me as I crave emotional connection and physical affection. Autism etc is characterised by difficulties with social behaviour so that’s just part of it. I have come to see my choice is to accept him (and he does try, as do I) or realise we can’t meet each other’s needs (I have ADHD and bring him emotions, mess, chatter and impulsivity that he finds hard to deal with as well). Anyway, you aren’t alone.

I said exactly that in an earlier post, the reason for the behaviour isn't important.

My objection is to the carping at the OP from the stance of the poster's experience of autism not matching what OP describes in her husband therefore she is ignorant and offensive etc for raising it as a possible root cause. The topic, the fact she is a very unhappy relationship has been somewhat derailed.

I understand that, I'm not sure why you keep targeting the poster who responded first, apparently in good faith and then in response to the specific question!

I'm assuming OP might not come back, hoping they find a resolution.

I can completely empathise with you. I completely understand. I could have written your post. I have left, feel the guilt of it constantly as he is not a bad person, but a soulless marriage, formal, polite, superficial and every single thing you have said. Reading your post reminds me of it all and that I have to stop feeling guilty.

And I found that instead of it getting better through trying everything, I just gets worse. Sorry not a hopeful response but it's been my experience.

I haven't "carped"

I wasn't meaning to be cruel with my response. I apologise if it came across as cruel

A lot of autistic people have that desire. It’s also not called Asperger’s anymore. The problem is your relationship with your husband.

Autism presents in many different ways. I'm autistic and most certainly can connect emotionally as can my autistic children.

I often read posts thinking it sounds more like selfish male behaviour than autism.

The conversation thing I do get. My ex moaned I never asked about his day. But when I made the effort to ask I got one word answers. Remember all autistic people are different but for me i hold the stance you want to talk to me discuss your day and connect then go ahead don't wait for me to ask you. Because I won't ask. But I do reciprocate when someone else starts a conversation, and when I want a conversation I can start one too. If that sounds like too much effort for you you will be doing nothing wrong leaving a relationship that makes you unhappy you don't need to attribute it to autism you are unhappy that's reason enough xx

And just another thought.

I do think I didn't helped matters, even though in my own way I was trying. I pressed and to be honest given the sort of man he is he retreated and withdrew. I have realised as person he is quite surface and deep down very very unsure of himself. His withdrawal, meant I did the same and eventually we had to just give up. We did marriage counselling and individual but just couldn't bridge the gap. My heart was and still is broken for my two young kids and the future is scary however after 5/6 years I couldn't bare it as I didn't recognise myself anymore.

If money is the only reason you are staying I would be afraid your resentment will only grow. Have you tried counselling?

This was my ex. I also wondered if he was autistic as our DC are. Regardless of the reason, I am happier now on my own than I ever was in my loveless marriage.

Sounds like a poor imitation of a marriage. Your happiness matters, OP.

The OP said, quite reasonably given some of the replies, that she was leaving the thread.

Why is my experience with someone on the spectrum so triggering to those also on the spectrum? My DP has Asperger’s diagnosed or not! Stop trying to gaslight strangers on the internet as you really know nothing of my relationship. This isn't an attack on those who are ND so I would appreciate not being attached myself. Issues with emotional processing is one of the biggest hallmarks of autism and to suggest otherwise is gaslighting in itself. Just because I do not have autism myself does not mean I do not understand autism as it's now a part of my life. Those who are attacking me on the spectrum themselves seem to be forgetting the most important factor that is autism is a spectrum so no two people will present the same. I’ve read many stories of neurotypical women in relationships with men with Asperger’s and it’s mostly exactly my experience.

My DP operates on practical level only, he is very heavy on acts of service and only shows his love in this way. If I'm unwell he will not and can not support me emotionally but he would drive for an hour to get medicine no questions asked. That's how he shows his love. I have learnt not to go to him for emotional support at all as he cannot offer it. He has even often said in repose to me needing some type of emotional support “I don’t know what to say” and he really doesn’t know what to say. He cannot offer any comfort. He has two special interests that his world revolves around - work & sport. This is all he will talk about, he’s a workaholic another hallmark of Asperger’s as work is task focused and doesn’t demand any emotional connection from him. He’s a carbon copy of his own father and becoming more and more like him as the years go on, he father is also the quiet disconnected type. He father is a nice smiley man he’s just a workaholic also and a speak if your spoken to type of person. I don’t think his own father has ever asked me a question or initiated conversation with me. His father is diagnosed with Asperger’s and his family say that DP is just like his father so I I don’t think anyone needs a degree to figure it out.

There is no abuse. He is not abusive or doing any of this on purpose. He genuinely does not have the need to connect deeply on an emotional level, sitting next to me in silence is connecting to him. Keeping conversation surface level is connecting to him. If he knows we are going to be around people he can gear himself up to mask but there has been many times when people have turned up when he wasn’t prepared and they get to see the true him, quiet, not engaged in conversation, introverted, snappy and they even asked me after what was wrong with him was he just in a bad mood? No he just didn’t know you was coming so didn’t have the time or energy to mask around you. When he does mask around others I literally watch him change before my eyes as soon as they walk out the door or we leave he is exhausted and will not say a word to me for hours.

I connect through conversation and intimacy. I feel connected to people by sharing emotions, back and forth conversation and receptivity. I love to laugh and even laugh at myself. I love to discuss life, concepts and the meaning behind things. None of this I can do with him. Every time I’ve tried in the past (I do not any more as it feels like a rejection and hurts) I am met with one word answers or just a phrase that ends the conversation. All conversations lead to a dead end. I’m certainly not a boring person yet he makes me feel as though I am and that what I’m talking about has zero meaning to him. I have to get this need met through friends and family. But I should still be able to be myself and connect even occasionally with my partner, the person who I live with with and have children with. He will talk about his special interests happily. When I’ve questioned him about not listening to me when I speak he’s told me that I speak fast (I do not) and that when people are talking he it’s too much information for him brain to take in and that he’s been like that since he was at school - again classic autism processing issues.

When I bring up how I feel and the lack of connection he genuinely does not understand what I’m talking about, he will get upset and say but I thought everything was fine. He will then try to force himself to speak to me more, ask questions etc then after a week he’s back to his usual self. He was genuinely not like this until I gave birth, actually the day I gave birth he changed. Before this he would always try to connect although looking back now knowing what I know something always a little off and I can see how forced it was for him and how much he was masking.

This is my life and I do not know what to do about it. As I really can’t live the rest of my life like this. I’ve had to close a huge part of myself off to stay in this relationship and I think it will have a huge cost to myself if I stay long term.

I really appreciate the helpful replies and I’m sorry to those also in this type of relationship as it really does feel soul destroying at times.

Every relationship is different of course, and every person with autism is different. I'm in a really happy marriage with someone who has autism and we absolutely connect on an emotional level. Our son also has autism and I have a great relationship with him. It simply isn't true that people with autism don't have any need for emotional connection - that may be true for some but not others and it is a stereotype that's pretty harmful tbh. Also, Asperger's and 'high functioning' are outdated terms. Does your husband have a diagnosis?

Well said, OP.

I am not neurotypical. I have adhd diagnosis waiting for a autism one. I think it's very slippery slope assuming autistic people don't want or able to give emotional connection. My husband has always been more practical (undiagnosed autism/adhd very high chance of both) dosnt mean he doesnt want an emotionalconnection, he just struggles with emotions to be frank like a lot of men! That doesnt mean all autistic people. Yes some autistic people may strugglen but to assume every single one is not fair. And also quite rude.

@chicken2015 Are you reading correctly? My comment above did not mention autism my comment said: “With someone* who doesn’t have the need or desire for emotional connection?” Someone being the operative word. As my DP does not have that need or desire. So I’m not not referring to you or your relationship as I have no idea who you are. This is how my DP’s autism presents itself so why is that offensive to you? Stop with the gaslighting comments this is not “just a man thing” never in my life have I met a man with such low emotional needs.

People have only commented on it including myself as she said very clearly in someone's reply to her OP that she doesn't belive autistic people are able to having emotional connections or have a desire! So of course people who are autistic or have autistic partners are going to respond! And they should and explain that just because her husband is having difficulties doesnt mean whole of Neurodiverse people do to!!

@Pigwidgeon99 That’s great, I’m very happy for you. My DP does not have the need for emotional connection and that was the whole point of me posting.

So many people trying to prove those on the spectrum can connect…. I’m not denying that. But my DP can not and that is because of how autism is expressed for him.

Ur comment was in reply to someone mentioning not all autistics lack emotional connection. Usually when people relynto comments they are directly linked to the comment they are replying to. I'm not only person to assume and u also asked if they were neurotypical? As in again mentioning general Neurodiversity. Again if it's just about ur situation why does it matter when some says something if they are Neurodiverse or not?

Op, as a NT person perhaps consider the responses in the context of your initial posts. It was a hell of a drip feed. People were going off what you posted, which I'm sorry was dismissive and stereotypying about autism.

There are just as many posters who have said that whatever the cause, if you are not happy and your partner isn't interested in changing anything, you don't have to stay together. Your happiness is important.

And rereading I taken things literally which is my autistic brain ironically , rightly or wrongly.