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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you stay unhappy? I think DP has Aspergers syndrome

132 replies

blueberrymuffin9 · 09/04/2024 20:17

I've been stuck in a really unfulfilling relationship for 6 years. We have two young DC. No abuse, no real arguments just a very empty existenace. I suspect he has Aspergers (high functioning autism) as he cannot connect on an emotional level, doesn't engage in conversation or ask questions / show any interest in what i'm talking about. Everything is kept on a very superficial level of day to day practicalities, no depth of conversation, no talking about feelings or emotions, no laughing and joking so we just live like housemates. When DC go to bed he will sit next to me in silence and not say a word all evening until he fall asleep on the sofa. He was masking ( a common thing those with autism do) before we can our 1st DC so I wasn't aware of any of the this, after I gave birth I think he felt he had me trapped so could finally be his true self. He masks very well around family and friends so everyone just think he's a great guy, but no one sees the change in him as soon as they leave.

I'm so lonely. I miss connecting with a partner and sharing myself with someone. I feel cheated as this wasn't who I thought he was and this wasn't the life I thought I was walking into. I'm staying for DC and because I don't think I would cope alone with two young DC financially. I'm 33 so feels like a long lonely life if I stay with him. when I bring up how I feel to him he will change for a week ie try to force really fake conversations with me then just goes back to his true self. Please don't suggest counseling as nothing is going to change his brain wiring and I don't even have the energy to try and change him.

OP posts:

Bumblebeestiltskin · 12/04/2024 10:23

The fact you're continuing to refer to 'asbergers' highlights the fact you don't know what you're talking about.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 12/04/2024 10:24

Oh, and people aren't 'gaslighting' you, they're disagreeing with you. But it gives you a chance to pluck a random term out of the air and start using it like you understand it, so you crack on.

Psychoticbreak · 12/04/2024 10:41

Psychoticbreak · 11/04/2024 23:57

And just to add even if he does have asd or is a narcissist or just a bloody dick why would you want to stay? You say it is unfulfilling, you are not happy, you want more so why stay? Whether he has asd or not has absolutely nothing to do with the fact you have asked him to change and he either cannot or will not. This is never going to change no matter what. 33 is no age. Trust me walk away and find peace happiness and friendship because whether he does or does not have asd what he does have is the ability to make you unhappy and nobody deserves that. Its a short life.

@blueberrymuffin9 I am not having a go certainly not but sometimes things just do not last. It doesnt make a difference what he has or has not got, as i said your happiness is what matters.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 12/04/2024 11:52

OP, how about, when you read a post that has got your DH all wrong, or doesn't help you in any way, just ignoring it and scrolling on? You posted for help, don't get distracted analysing the motives of people who aren't helping!

Mistredd · 12/04/2024 12:31

AutismProf · 12/04/2024 04:01

OP if your relationship isn't working for you I would say that is very valid and you can seek counseling or leave.

The part of your posts about autism which is jarring to me is your assumption that your DH doesn't need or desire emotional connection. This upsets autistic people as your DH does need and desire emotional connection or he wouldn't have entered into a relationship, or had a baby. My own autistic ds has no intention of doing either, by the way, as he finds the vulnerability of connection very difficult indeed.

The issue isn't that your DH has no wish or desire for connection, it's that he achieves it in a way that is different from what you desire. He feels connected in quiet companionship, sitting next to you on the sofa, or going out to buy medicine when you are ill. This is still a problem, but it's a two way problem. It's not that DH doesn't care, and is deficient or empty, it's that you have a "ways of connecting" mismatch. This is shown because When you bring this up a) he is surprised and upset because he thought things were fine, because he feels connected the way he was doing it and b,) he makes an effort to try to be more active in talking with you, which shows he is trying.

Autistic people can get defensive when they are told they have no emotions or feelings, when really the issue is that there is a mismatch between what satisfies his emotional needs and yours. Neither of you is wrong or defective, you just operate differently, and that's proving very difficult for you.

I hope you find a way forward to a happy future, together or apart.

Show quote history

Yes to all of this.

Jazzicatz · 12/04/2024 12:44

OP are you me? I have almost an exact situation, although I am much older than you, however my partner is younger. He loves me I know that, but there is just no emotional connection. He clams up if I try and talk about feelings or anything personal, dp just likes to talk about macro issues like politics, nothing personal. We haven’t had sex in over 8 years, which means we are basically housemates. I would love a more loving, sexual relationship but have completely lost my confidence and feel at the age I am, I’m too old to worry about such things. You are only young enough though. So, just to say, I do understand completely and hope you find a solution.

DyslexicPoster · 12/04/2024 12:44

blueberrymuffin9 · 09/04/2024 20:28

@KoolKookaburra Would you like to explain to me how that is possible with someone who doesn't have a desire or need for emotional connection? Are you neurotypical?

If the person is empathic and funny I guess? My son has ASD as does my dd. My son is more severely impacted abd was diagnosed at 3, non verbal until 7 but he is so funny. Has empathy and a wicked sence of humour. My dd is an extrovert.

I guess what's meant is that not everyone presents the same way. But your dh does present the he presents and it's not working for you. That's all that matters. If you meet person with Autism you've met one person with Autism and all that jazz.

So. If I find living and interesting with with my kids who ASD very stimulating it doesn't help you. Because they aren't like your dh.

I'm not saying your dh is a arse but these things aren't mutually exclusive. So you can be an arsehole or boring or draining or what ever. The problem here is that your dh isn't working for you. Knowing that another man with ASD could be great at conversation and you could connect with that fictional man on a deeper level is irrelevant.

My oldest son who is undiagnosed will talk AT me. I'm not allowed to interject or have a valid opinion. It's draining and I don't owe it to him to not find him draining at times. His opinion and personality doesn't out trump mine.

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