Who else has to ask permission to put the washing machine on?

[teacheroffsick]

We do have solar panels so cheaper to put washing machine on during the day.
When I've got mountains of washing, sometimes i just want to bung it on and try to get through it all. I have to say to DH "I'm putting a wash on this evening so don't have a go at me." He then tells me that it would save money to wait until the day. I understand this but as we have loads of washing at the moment, that's not enough to get it all done before school goes back next week. I've told DH that it's weird and old fashioned for me to have to check with him or ask him to put a wash on like I'm some sort of servant. I said that if he insists that I can't put it on this evening, then he'll have to manage his own washing this week so I can focus on getting mine and the kids done. Honestly, it's like living in the fucking Victorian age in this house sometimes with him being the head of the household.

I’ll just leave this here …..

Edited to say - pay particular attention to the using male privilege section.

i think he just volunteered to do all the laundry… that way he can schedule it perfectly:

Rant?

Anyone who said anything other than thank you if I put a wash on would be out on their arse.

No one should be ranting at you op.

So let him get on with that. You do not need to ask in your own home.

I think asking permission to use the washing machine is the least of your problems.

Just do it. Life's too short.

I may be missing the point here, but just get another clothes horse to dry a second load!

What else do you have to ask permission to do? Because I've a funny feeling it's not just the washing machine use

You shouldn’t be asking permission for anything, frankly. You are an adult with agency. If any adult in my home behaved this way, I would reiterate that there are minimum standards for respectful dialogue in our home and if he cannot meet these standards, he may leave.

He should think himself lucky he has clean clothes all done for him. I’d stop doing all of his washing from now on. Nobody deserves to be treated like that, it’s bad enjoy having to even do the washing let alone having to put up with comments and sulking. My DP regularly washes his own clothes or I just wash a couple of his things in with mine to save a second wash. So no reason you should ever have to be doing all the washing.

I also have a machine with a timer so IF my DP was being like yours I’d shove a load in and set the timer to come on later in the day rather than the next morning just to annoy him and do it on repeat….and if there were any more comments or sulks I’d ask him to leave.

Also if you can’t dry it, who can with this weather, get it washed and on airers in the house, when I have loads to do or it rains unexpectedly that’s what I do. Plus you should also have access to a tumble drier for bedding and towels or emergencies so once again the lack of one I expect is your DH controlling things. You have a husband problem.

Maybe you should remind him that half of that will be yours when you divorce him. And he’ll be doing his own effing washing.

He should say thank you. You also need to have a rant and a sulk that this pathetic man can’t get a better job to afford for you to wash his clothes. You don’t need to put up with his shit. His ranting and sulking is to get you to do what he wants and some are giving you washing tips! You deserve better than this shit. He is an equal to you why does he think he can call the shots. He can’t.

The day I had to ask that is the day my marriage is over. I would rather live alone forever than ask permission to do a basic household job (4 people in this house, washing machine on every day or more times if needed).

This tells you all you need to know...I am sorry but this is bizzare. I would never even think to ask if I could. If you need clean laundry you need clean laundry 🤯

It is quite clear he’s a controlling jerk, and you need to work on establishing some better boundaries while you plan your future. Preferably without him.
put washing on whenever you want. Not his. Walk out of the room if he shouts. Pick up his dirty clothes and shred them if he keeps shouting. This is the last day you do his washing. Parrot back at him that he earns more- you earn more than me, all that extra talent means you can manage an ickle load of washing. Don’t make his lunch - ‘stop talking yourself down, competent high earning professionals CAN work out how to make a sandwich, it’s not too tricky’. Get yourself out regularly, do not ask permission to go out. Start being you, you don’t have to ask permission to live and breathe the air. He is irrelevant to you, a temporary inconvenience. Be the best parent you can be- model grace under pressure, firm boundaries and the occasional sharply delivered home truth because that too is a talent and your kids deserve to learn it. Don’t model doormat, don’t model buckling under for a quiet life.

Ha my husband WISHES I would ask to put on the washing machine! Because he does all the washing in our household 😂

Honestly though OP, this is crazy. I don't know anyone who has had to ask their partner if they can use the household appliances. That's next level controlling.

You do washing once a week?! How?
I have a load every day. When do you do sheets and towels??

This

Remind him that you do more.

Skim read OP's post and some of the others.

Honestly OP, this made my heart pound - flash backs to when my now ex didn't "allow" me to do stuff around the home.

Even now 8 years post divorce I recognise and welcome the freedom I have in my own home to e.g. put the radio on, put the heating on, do housework, work w/o interruption. I believe in a loving relationship there needs to be give and take, discussion and compromise. I don't think you have that and some of your responses seem to minimise your situation. I can take a long time to admit to yourself that things, even longer to accept that it needs to change and then longer still to act upon that.

He's trying to match energy use and solar production isn't he? My friends do tge same, but they're on tge same wavelength so it's no hassle.

If you can set a timer on your washer that might help, you could even wake up to one load done if you wash it overnight when electricity is cheap ;) but yes, I wouldn't ask permission, I'd just crack on...

What have I just read?

Stop doing the laundry for your lord and master.

Do the rest of the laundry whenever you want. Tell him you're sorry he feels that way when he rants, and tell him to get over himself when he sulks.

What other ways does he use to humiliate you and control you?

No. He does his own washing and I do mine. The machine goes on whenever it suits.
Commiserations to you, your DH sounds unbearable. I dread to think what other tyrannical behaviour he’s inflicting on you if he’s like this about you washing everyone’s clothes. Christ alive. Don’t let him browbeat you.

This.

I'm so sad for you, OP.
This is no way to live.

You're basically asking his permission to do him a massive favour.

You're not the loser here, @teacheroffsick...