Why can’t he leave her alone?

[SunflowerRose1990]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

My mum is the only person that knows I found messages on his phone but she thinks it’s over because I haven’t told her about anything that has happened since. I know that once I tell people then I can’t untell them and I’m not in a place where i want everyone to know.

Genuine question - do you think hiding it from them means he's more likely to stay with you? Or are you worried that if everyone finds out, things will all come to a head and he'll find it easy to leave?
This must be so stressful for you, especially whilst pregnant. Not good for your mental health, nor the physical health of you and the baby.

So why ignore every bit of good advice/kind words/support & just keep running over how you dont want to leave/dont understand why he doesn't pick you...?

I don’t feel that’s that is what I’ve done. I have said I appreciate people’s advice and admitted that im not failing to understand but making a change is scary.

You don’t want the truth to come out because you don’t want to hear what you know they’d tell you.

If your baby was a girl would you want her treated the way you have been?

If your baby was a boy would you want him feeling tied to a relationship he clearly doesn’t want?

You stay and this is the relationship dynamic you are modelling.

You really need some space from this cheating man to see more clearly, and you need irl support!

"I don’t feel that’s that is what I’ve done. I have said I appreciate people’s advice and admitted that im not failing to understand but making a change is scary."

You're both scared of change. You're both concerned about the fall out, the disruption ( short term) , the change to your routines and home comforts.
Unfortunately, you'll have to sit down together and work out how to separate, how to co parent, how to tell the wider family and, importantly for you, how you are going to cope moving forward.

Your first question was 'why won't he leave her alone? Or will he ever leave her alone?
It seems not. He's infatuated/ in love/ whatever.

He is a big coward keeping up appearances and not being honest with you.
What you need to try and do ( with support from your family or a counsellor) is to bring this situation out into the open and deal with it together.
It's really hard but not harder than staying frozen in fear, especially as you're going to be a mum soon.

Be brave and strong and start talking to those closest to you about it and your H.

Good point.

OP you need to set him free and in doing so, set yourself free too.

Why have you wanted to trap him so he's 'forced' not to leave you? Why would you want to control him into staying with you?

Again, I'm not being horrible, I'm trying to understand where your mindset is at

Change is hard and it’s scary but it’s better than being stuck in a place and a relationship that’s dead which will get worse and more full of resentment.

The change is going to make itself anyway. If you continue to keep your head in the sand and your fingers crossed, it will be entirely driven by him, quite possibly at the point you are adjusting to being a parent and less able to cope with a split.

I sense that you are hoping that when the baby comes, it will miraculously transform him in to a devoted partner who won't stray again. The reverse is actually true, because babies are not some amazing panacea that heal dead marriages where one party is in love with someone else.

OP, making the change isn't going to be any less scary tomorrow or the day after. You need to do it now. Wanting to cling on to someone when they don't want to be with you is not going to end well for you or your little one and eventually he will probably leave anyway. He has checked out of the relationship - you need to let him go.

Sometimes you have to walk away from a situation to find peace of mind for yourself.

I’m not being delusional but knowing him the way I do I don’t think he will leave. Why didn’t he leave when they were making plans with each other to be together. He’s cut his ties with her now, they haven’t picked up messaging. He’s told her he just doesn’t think he’s able to do what she wants him to do so if she moves on what incentive does he have. I just can’t quiet the feeling that I will end things and look like the bad person to our families because for the sake of our child I won’t tell them what he’s done.

You've said yourself, because you manipulated and emotionally blackmailed him into staying because of your mental health. And now the baby. That's why he's stayed. It's not a badge of honour that he stays. Why would you WANT him to??

Even if he never spoke to her again. He still doesn't want you, he wants and loves her. Think of it this way, if he got a prison sentence of a lifetime and was never able to see her, do you think his feelings for her would go? No? Your relationship is the same... That might sound dramatic but I'm trying to get through to you. If someone didnt want me, I'd be too embarrassed to try and make them stay

@SunflowerRose1990 he may not leave but he cannot leave the OW alone. You have to decide whether you can live with that. Plus this isn’t good for the baby you are carrying or your mental health. He knows you won’t end it and he won’t leave but knows you will
allow him to carry in

So you want him to stay - regardless of the fact that he doesn't love you? Well, that's going to end well, OP, isn't it (not)?

What if he does leave, which seems more than likely? OK, maybe not for this one, but for some other woman later on? Because even if this relationship breaks up, he'll do it again with someone else. That's a 'given' with a man like this. Do you honestly think he's going to suddenly change into someone different and fall in love with you again? Because he won't - he is what he is. You - and your baby - will be a bit older and the impact will be worse next time.

You will have been walking on eggshells in the meantime, and do you think your baby won't know how mummy feels - because you are deluding yourself if you do. Is that good for you - or your baby? Of course it isn't.

And please stop worrying on and on about other people and what they will, or won't think - if they care about you, they'll want what's best for you. There are only two people you should be worried about - yourself and your baby.

With respect you’re not taking anything onboard.

Every PP is telling you the same thing and you respond with a but and an excuse.

You started this and your previous thread wanting impartial opinions and yet despite that being unanimous, you’re not absorbing the reality. So there’s no point asking because you don’t want to hear what’s clear as day.

He's not cut his ties though has he. He recently slept with her and has been viewing her Instagram.

I don't think anyone is going to make you realise that he will NEVER cut ties with her. Please stand up for yourself and let him go.

How would you feel about living together as co-parents, with separate bedrooms but in the same house? You could stay married as long as he is happy with that, and hopefully he would get fully involved with looking after your child (is that likely? Does he do housework?). But you would also get your head space back. You could stop checking his phone, get him out of your thoughts and focus a bit more on you and your baby.

"He’s cut his ties with her now"

He had sex with her 6 days ago.

He’s a cheat, she is NOT the problem here.

HE IS.

Even if she disappeared tomorrow in a puff of smoke he will find another affair partner. It’s just a question of when.

Why on earth are you clinging onto such a miserable relationship?

I’m dumbfounded honestly.

I’m asking you to answer, so you want this as a blueprint for a relationship for your child?

Why didn’t he leave when they were making plans with each other to be together.

He didn't leave because of your mental health. You know this. I stand by the fact that you are manipulative. Your threads always go the same way. You frustrate me so I can only imagine what your dh is going through.
You will carry on as you are then one day he will snap. I hope he is able to stay as mentally well as he can and is supported by friends and family. He must be a shell of himself.

Don't silly @Uricon2 , surely everyone knows that a LTPA over many years with the woman you love can easily and instantly finish, just days after sex because....well, ties have been cut!

The poor OP is delusional. Absolutely delusional.

You've said yourself, because you manipulated and emotionally blackmailed him into staying because of your mental health. And now the baby. That's why he's stayed. It's not a badge of honour that he stays

Exactly.

It's so sad. Life is more than this man and his family, OP. You will have the baby you wanted, which is great. Now think about what kind of life you want for them. Parents who don't love each other, live separate lives, and are together because they think they should be? Or parents who co-parent and are hopefully both happier?

This isn't just about what you can live with anymore.

OP, people have been very kind to you.

However, your husband doesn't love you, he doesn't want to be with you, you don't have sex so he he doesn't find you attractive either. He does love OW, he does want to be with her and they do have sex so he does find her attractive.

There is NOTHING in your relationship that can be fixed. Lord knows why he's still living with you but the same can be said about you. You are going to ruin each others lives. You already are doing and now, you're throwing into the mix a child's life to ruin.

Separate, co-parent properly and respectfully, in the years to come find someone who loves you.

Why are you wasting your life? It's irreparable.

He does not love you. Value yourself more.

@SunflowerRose1990 having sex less than a week ago isn’t cutting ties.

I think you need to be honest with yourself, you don’t want to leave but you also don’t love him. You have a comfortable life and don’t want to look like the bad guy. Except no one will view you as the bad guy. No one will think anything bad of you if you weren’t so
afraid of being honest.

You say you know him and since he hasn’t left yet then he won’t leave. Trust me, having a baby puts unbelievable strain on your relationship. The baby bubble is great but once that passes, there are some really hard times. If he already in love with someone else and having a hard time then it will only push him to leave.

I dont want to sound nasty but what did you want from this thread? You avoid the harsh questions and ignore most people’s advice. You’ve accepted this affair for years, he’s not going to change, he’s not going to stop loving her. Either you accept that this is just a marriage of convenience for you and learn to live with the idea of raising a child in a loveless marriage or you be brave and cut him free. Show your child that mum and dad can be amazing parents and also have happy separate lives.