Why can’t he leave her alone?

[SunflowerRose1990]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

He hasn’t cut ties. They had sex 6 days ago. He deleted instagram for 2 days but couldn’t stand not seeing her so reinstated.

He is head over heels besotted with her. She’s the love of his life - your relationship ran its course years ago.

Until you get your head round that and let him go, you are trapped in this toxic cycle. Is the really what you want your child to grow up in?

You also can't see that having her in his life is what is making life with you bearable for him. Without her, he just has you, but he doesn't want you. So he will be more inclined to want to leave you now that he doesn't have his escapism in her anymore.

@SunflowerRose1990 this is marriage of convenience and let me put it bluntly - having baby is inconvenient. Having baby with someone you just "don't hate" is really inconvenient

he's putting up with your marriage due to guilt and to avoid hassle, and you're about to have a lot of hassle. while he wants to keep the house now, the first time baby has a colic he will want to be miles away - and there is a warm bed waiting for him

so better start planning what you are going to do then, it's not the question if he leaves, it's when

and you will be alone because it sounds like everyone knows and nobody minds him cheating on you - you're delusional if you think his brother does not cover for him. These people are not your friends, they won't offer you support

well be brave then. Do it. Give yourself some self esteem in doing it.

I think you should tell your family, the whole story. While you're not telling them, you're denying this is happening. And they can also support you - don't underestimate them.

This is so sad. You're the OW in your own marriage OP. Your husband's primary relationship isn't with you, it's with her.

You need to talk to someone in real life OP. Your mum or a therapist. Someone who can help you work out why you are so desperately clinging to a man who doesnt have a shred of genuine care for you. I suspect you're around the same age as my DD. I would move heaven and earth to get her away from a relationship like this.

Well, she's clearly not the OW in her own life because she is neither having an emotional nor physical relationship with her H.

At best, she's housekeeper and soon to be Nanny.

Your right. She was a one night stand in her own marriage. Which is horrible.

I hope for both of your sakes it is him that finally makes the move out of this hellish relationship. It is seriously unhealthy and bringing a poor little baby into it is just really really sad.

OP I really feel for you. He is not ready to leave you now. For what reason I'm not sure, because clearly the OW is who he wants to be with.

One thing I am certain of is he will leave you someday. I feel you would be better ripping off the plaster now and getting it over with, rather than when you have a baby/young child and he decides to go.

You won't look like the bad person ending the relationship. He is the one who has cheated, and there is no reason for you to stay with a cheat. He is being so disrespectful to you. Don't let fear stop you from doing what you need to.

I wonder whether he 'thinks' it'll be easier to leave the OP once the baby is born because then she won't be in her own and will have a focus. I've heard of this before, sadly.

@SunflowerRose1990 also keep in mind that he is not a nice person.

He supposedly loves OW but he has been stringing her along and using her as a booty call for years now! and all because he is too egocentric to upset his comfortable life

You deserve true love and real friends. ditch him and his circle

and tell your loved ones!

Let. Him. Just let him, He is playing at relationships with this woman and by gosh it is easy to have soulmates and loves of lives and everything being 'mazing when you are not dealing with real life. You will never win against someone who can promise the world but doesn't actually have to deliver it. Dont let him drag you into the choose me game. He is NOT WORTH IT, because he is not putting in any effort into you and your needs. My ex out me through hell for a very long time with multiple different women and I always played the pick me game, and I always won, until I didn't and he left me for someone else. And it was AWFUL,. For about 4 weeks. And then I started to recover. And I can tell you I am happier than I have been for many many years. I was happier single, and now I am in a relationship that is so different I often question it. Its only since I have been out of my marriage that i realise how messed up things were. Take little steps to move on. Ipromise you things will be better.

OP, do you need to see them together in bed? You are just saying 'yes, but no, but...' to everything that's said to you. What is the point of asking for opinions and then ignoring them or replying by just making silly excuses for him? So he's 'cut ties' with her, has he? Is that why he was shagging her 6 days ago and will probably be shagging her again very shortly? Or maybe shagging somebody else by then, after all he's a REAL catch, isn't he? 🙄

You need to give yourself a shake OP. He. Does. Not. Care.

So there are 3 of you in your marriage. He can't/won't give her up.
You don't love each other. Set him free @SunflowerRose1990
He's given up on you and not likely to fall back in love with you.
Maybe he will be a great Dad, I hope so. Perhaps being co-parents is the relationship you were meant to have.

This.

I'm starting to feel sorry for the husband. You are emotionally blackmailing him into staying in a loveless marriage with threats of mental health/harming yourself and then deliberately using a baby as collateral.

You are totally complicit in your unhappiness. At least set your husband free from it.

I just looked into your future and OP and you're Mrs Tom Jones 2.0
The difference being that there was some small degree of caring/respect from Tom for Linda, who had been with him before he became famous. It didn't stop him from having many affairs.
Is this what you want, but in an extreme iteration? #livingwithmyspermdonor

I'm not being mean, just trying to shake you out of your delusional mindset.
I will now stop flogging this dead horse.

He will leave you at some point. He is in love with someone else and wants to be with them. You can manipulate him but that only works for so long, then people will refuse to go along with it. End it now and you can both move on with your lives and co-parent calmly and well. If you drag this on and on by manipulation and refusing to face facts, he will end up hating you, which will make co-parenting so much more difficult.

Sorry OP we’ve been gentle with you but now I’ll say it - I think you wanted to get pregnant as the ultimate top trump in your pick me game and even that isn’t enough for him to stop seeing her. He’s living in your house probably under duress because of the baby blackmail but he’s not with you, he’s with her.

I think you’ll do anything to keep the facade of being a married couple and the benefits it rewards you with but you’re not a couple in any way shape or form. Whatever guilt trip games you’re playing using the baby and your mental health - he’s chosen her and he will choose her every time

Agreed. It's very obvious since 99% of the post is about dh and his gf. Extremely little about the baby. It's a very sad life this baby is being born into.

I’m really not sure where the accusations come that I have manipulated him with my mental health or a baby. I did not know about the affair when I was suffering with anxiety back in 2023 and I didn’t know about the affair when I talked to him about trying for a baby.

You said it yourself.

You have no marriage.

I feel desperately sorry for your baby. You made a poor choice for it's conception... Please end your journey as that man's wife and begin afresh as a better mother than how this innocent baby started life

So why not cut him free and focus on co-parenting this baby that has been brought into this shitshow as a negotiating tactic.

You know you are holding him to ransom. If not why not leave yourself? Do you work?

Sadly, the OP is clinging to the hope that he'll come back to her as the mother of his child. But it 'ain't gonna happen. The only one I really feel sorry for here is the baby - the OP is deluding herself if she thinks this shit show has no effect on her child. Cut the ties, OP. Let her have him - very likely he'll be with someone else after a while, then another one, then another one...what are you going to do - chase him from woman to woman?

My dear is a nice way you are an idiot. Everyone can see you should leave. You see it too. Leaving is scary yes but self respect is worth more right?!

frankly, if you won’t find some self respect and leave stop posting about it! If nothing changes, nothing changes. Sorry to be harsh but he will be in her bed time and time over. You have nothing to keep him married to you. He has made his choice fuck and be in love with someone else and live in a nice house. You can bet when he’s having it off on the side and they move in together probably in her house yours will be up for sale quicker than you can blink.

wise up, if you don’t make the first move you’re gunna be totally fucked and with a newborn to contend with too.

OP I've changed my username for this, because I think you need to hear this, and I mean this in the kindest possible way. I know you are pregnant and I don't want to cause you distress, but I feel like what others are saying isn't really getting through to you.

I was in a 'relationship' with a man who had a long term partner/kids for 18 months. He promsied me he'd leave after we were 'dating' for just 4 weeks. He obviously didn't. I ended it after around 15 months as I was sick and tired of waiting for him and him bottling it every time he said he'd leave. He told her the truth, she obviously was extremely angry and rightly so. He left, moved to his mums, but couldn't cope with being separated from his children (or likely her too, I don't know and it doesn't matter.) So he went back to her pretty much immediately.

He has never not messaged me for a single day since. He stayed with her, for a further 6 weeks. Every single day he messaged me saying he's made a mistake but he's terrified of losing his children. He never had a bad word to say about his partner, in his words they had just grown apart. He had love for her, but he says as the mother of his children. He would tell me he loved me, wanted me, the same usual spiel they always come out with.

Anyway - he did leave again - and I do know it was his decision but his partner actually messaged me but that's not part of this story. He left her (the second time) and has been separated since. For the last 6 months he has tried to be with me.

I'm not saying this in a 'I won' way, nobody won in this situation, and I don't know what the future holds. What I am telling you, however, is that if there were genuine feelings there, they don't just turn off. Your partner may be with you, like mine did, he went back to his partner, but he couldn't keep the pretence going long term.

I know it must be so incredibly hard, but he has shown you over and over he isn't prioritising you. If he wanted to be with you, he would have ended it with her and not had any contact with her since. He'd have respected you so much that he wouldn't redownload instagram and look at her, because his love for you and remorse at what he'd done would trump that.

I wish you the very best, but these wise MN ladies have been where you have and they're offering advice as they were once you, and they wished somebody had told them at the time what they're advising you. Listen to them, really listen, because once you have that realisation that you and your baby deserve more, your new life will truly begin. Take care.