Why can’t he leave her alone?

[SunflowerRose1990]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

Honestly some of the messages on here! Poor man, what on earth can he do because he is poor little boy trapped from the woman he loves so of course the only option open to him is to lie and cheat. If only there was another way! He has had an affair for approximately three years. He won't do the decent thing for anyone and make that right and either stop the affair and try to make things work, or stop the marriage and co parent. He could sit down with OP and say he is sorry but they can't make it work and work with her to be a mature co parent and ensure that everyone is safe. But he isn't. Everyone piling on the OP like she is the one who has to do something is so typical of infantiling men. She wants to stay in the marriage (for fear reasons but still that's her choice) and is doing so. At least she is making a choice He on the other hand wants to stay in the marriage and not stay in the marriage and in doing so is gas lighting two women.no one forced him to have sex. A potential by product of sex is a child. He is at best a very weak person and at worst a master manipulator. Yet somehow it's all the OPs fault. This is not a great love story of two people in love forced apart. This is an age old story of someone who can't make up his mind about where he wants to be so instead damages everyone. And yet he is the poor one. Head in hands.

I think him looking at her Instagram is the least of your worries tbh.

I agree with this.

He sounds like the sort of man who likes having 'a wife' and home / family etc. A best friend almost. But then he also wants passion and thrills and the things that are missing from his marriage. I don't think it's either or for him but he likes to have both.
His problem is that his affair partner wants him all to herself. So they appear to be back and forth, she gives an ultimatum, he maybe agrees to leave but doesn't ( for HIS own reasons) then she stops it ( probably to test him).

I know of someone now in a very passionate affair with a man married 32 years with no intention of leaving his wife to set up a new home. It's suits her as she doesn't want a new 'husband' and they're both very upfront about the status of their 'relationship'.

I was cheated on in my marriage several times and did call it in the end but it was after 36 years together ( and we got on incredibly well).

I suggest @SunflowerRose1990 reads some Esther Perel and her book 'State of Affairs'. It will be uncomfortable reading but so many scenarios in it, it may help.
Also 'Leave a Cheater, gain a life' by Chump lady. For me, that was the book that changed my life and outlook in my own circumstances.

The irony with my exH was that he thought he always got to choose but in the end, I made the choice.
I still feel there may be some cultural 'norm' for the OP like the man feels entitled to have 2 women providing different things for him but I could be wrong. I grew up with similar views in my family both parents and grandparents ( they've all passed away as I'm old now) .
I wish I'd had Chump Lady's advice 38 years ago. It would have saved me so much inner pain, loss of self esteem, masking emotions etc etc.
The effects on you @SunflowerRose1990 will be lifelong if this marriage continues as it is. You're worth more.

Are you listening?

I don't think so.

But, to be fair, he should sort himself and leave. Be an involved father, but end this sham marriage.

Do you work?

Have any life outside of him?

Have you talked to him, OP, like you said you needed to?

I do work.

My circle has got smaller in recent years. My mum and I fell out with our family but since I got pregnant I’ve reached back out to my cousins. We haven’t really socialised with friends for a while. He tends to just do things with his Dad and brother or invite his friends round to our house rather than us go out as a group anymore but our friends started having children before us so I think that’s played a part in that.

Mostly now, I see my mum at the weekend and we have dinner with his parents.

He is away this weekend for the races with his parents and brother so not yet.

I just wanted to say I know people have been frustrated with my response or lack thereof but I just wanted to reiterate that I am genuinely appreciative of everyone’s advice and I know that people are only coming from a kind place. I suppose I just don’t really know how to respond to every individual person but I am reading and taking in what you’re saying.

I really do think his family are complicit in their sons infidelity,

Any friends that are just yours?

You might cope without him better than you think

I completely see why people would think it but one of the messages I first saw between him and this girl was basically her asking him to talk to his mum because she thought that his mum would be able to reassure him that leaving me would not be the catastrophe he thought it would be and he told her he couldn’t talk to his mum about it. He cares a lot about what his parents think and I am close to them too. I’d like to think they would have told him to do what was right rather than cover for him 🥺

Yes I have a couple but not any particularly close ones living near me.

She also said to him recently that he would spend his whole life from now on lying to everyone in his life including his parents and his brother.

I stand by the things I've said previously because I honestly think this marriage is unsalvageable, but @SunflowerRose1990 you sound so sad and isolated. Tormenting yourself going over the things he (and she) have said and done isn't going to help and if you do nothing else, have a long think about what sort of future you and your baby deserve. It shouldn't be this stressful, miserable half life of guessing his next move. You deserve better and it is possible to have it.

I don't understand why this doesn't make you want to leave him. You have a man in your home who is lying about wanting to be there and lying about wanting to be in your marriage, and yet you are just going along with that....

@SunflowerRose1990 you sound so sad and lonely. Reading your posts makes me want to give you a big hug .

You deserve so much more than this man, he's shows you no respect. He doesn't respect the vows he took, and he doesn't respect his family. If he did, he wouldn't be having an affair and putting you through the heartbreak.

Leaving is hard, but you'll find friends stand by you. You'll make new friends along the way, and you'll be happier. Your parents will be there for you too. You won't be on your own.

This man doesn't deserve your love so stop torturing yourself and rip that plaster off and tell him he's free to go off to the other woman but you won't be there waiting and go and start a new life for you and live your best life because you deserve it.

As for the other woman encouraging him to tell his mum, that just sums her up as far as I'm concerned. Sounds like a match made in scumsville.

Gosh, OP. This is heartbreaking and I am very sorry. I can only imagine how hurt, used and isolated you must feel

He is an incredibly weak man and I would struggle to respect him, even if I could forgive him. You owe him nothing and you should absolutely tell his family the reason why your relationship has broken down - no need to martyr yourself to preserve his self image.

I can see that it is easier said than done to just leave him but you should do. You should run for the hills.

Get your ducks in a row, try and stay in the house and work out child support you will be entitled to etc.

Be brave and be kind to yourself

Do you think you could, as a first step towards peace of mind, stop looking at his phone?

Accept that he is cheating and has for the majority of your marriage. Maybe he will continue cheating, but why should you be hurt by reading the details?

It's not that you'd be pretending it's not happening, you'd just be freeing your mind to think about stuff you want to. Plans for your baby, your family, maybe even reconnecting with friends. Put yourself first - especially important as nobody else is (sorry).

I think he fills too much of your thoughts. It's completely understandable in the situation you're in, but it's not healthy. Do it for you.

Sorry, but he doesn’t love and want you. He loves her.💐

I think people, if they are frustrated, is because they genuinely feel for you in the situation that you and your H have put yourselves in and the problems that will only surely follow on the birth of your child. There are no winners in this relationship, only damaged people

OP, remind me what age range we dealing with here? You call the OW a girl. Age does have some baring on views/advice. Also, are you Irish or religious in some way?

I am 34, my husband is 35 and the other woman I believe is in her late 20s. I’m not religious at all, my husbands family are Catholic but they aren’t practicing. My husband is a teacher as is the woman he’s been seeing and I think being married to a teacher I understand the ramifications that it can have for something like this to get out. Of course they both should have thought about that before getting involved but him having problems at work won’t make any of this mess easier.

One thing that comes across to me (and I could be wrong) is that you seem very forgiving and almost protective of your H, whilst he is carrying on a full blown, long term, physical affair in front of you. Do you feel you are to blame? Because you are only responsible for your part in the state of your marriage, prior to his choice to cheat. Not his actual decision to so do. Have you visited the Chump Lady website? Do you need to find strength through anger? I want to both hug you and shake you. You (and your child) truly deserve better.

But that's the bed he made.... And it's his problem if he doesn't want to lie in it! You can't base your decisions on what is best for him. It's you and your baby now that you need to focus on. What happens to him is his problem.