Why can’t he leave her alone?

[SunflowerRose1990]

I posted on here a few weeks ago about my current situation. I have been married to my husband for 4 years. We had a miscarriage in early 2021 and that part of our life dwindled to nothing. As I was approaching 34, I wanted to try for a baby again. He agreed and we conceived quickly in December. It was a bit awkward because we hadn’t slept together in 3 years and maybe that’s why we haven’t been intimate since then .

A couple of months ago I found messages on his phone. He started seeing a woman from work in 2021. I confronted him about it and he said it was over between them because of the baby. But I have seen messages since between them where he calls her his soulmate and the love of his life. He says he has never felt this way about anyone before. She sent him this one message where she told him that she understood that things with me were ok and life was just like a cloudy day but that with her his life was like sunshine and he told her that she was right about that. He’s told her how sad he is and that it will kill him when they are no longer speaking. Last night when he went to bed I checked his phone again and saw messages between them where she tells him to stop obsessively checking her Instagram stories and he told her how badly he wanted to sleep with her and how she is the only one he wants to be with. He messages her all day and night.

I don’t understand if he has chosen to commit to our life with this baby why he can’t just leave her alone. Anyone else been in this position before? Can you recover from an affair like this?

You can talk and talk at him all you want but he loves her. You know you don't love him like she does but just want him around. He deserves more than that. He has stayed due to you poor mental health and now due to the baby. I think you sound incredibly manipulative tbh and I think that's why the OW has stuck around. It also explains why friends and family keep quiet about it.

Don't bother talking to him - he is telling you who he is, why aren't you listening?

I know it sounds harsh, but you need to take care of you. You are worth more than this, you have the right to be happy

So his brother is in on it too?

I don’t think so, he was walking home from his brothers after they’d been out on Saturday

OP with respect you can talk and talk and talk til you’re blue in the face but you’re wasting your breath, he’s already screaming loud and clear at you.

He loves HER - your marriage has been dead for years. Why you’ve chosen to bring a child into this shit situation I have no idea but the only way forward is to separate on your terms and agree to be amicable co parents. Don't keep living a half life with a man who is nothing more now than a sperm donor. Let him go to her and you do the right thing for you and your baby.

So he was out all day with his brother on Saturday, not too drunk, and walked home, getting in late. When did he go to see OW then? Much earlier in the evening, after he left his brother? The brother knows.

From the messages I saw he messaged her on his way home and told her he was walking back from his brothers. I’ve known his brother since he was a teenager, he wouldn’t lie for him.

The biggest problem here is you seem convinced that if this OW disappeared your husband will start being in love with you and happy.

Much more likely is he finds someone else. His unhappiness in the marriage is driving this affair.

Life with a new baby is very stressful....you are thinking things will get better but it seems to me they will only get worse.

Maybe you'll stay together for a couple of years but you must start building a network outside of his family and prepare yourself for what is almost inevitable.

Everyone here has said that you deserve more; that you don't love each other, and that breaking up is for the best so you can both move on amicably.

BUT you want to stay married with the life style and lack of a physical relationship. Why then do you keep checking his phone? You're just giving yourself more stress, unhappiness and guaranteed broken promises.

You're not only stubborn but you won't admit what's in front of you even if it's in your best interests to do so. Hoping uselessly for something you have no control over isn't going to make it happen, and DH redownloading insta is the least of your problems.

It's all or nothing OP.
A. Accept the status quo and don't check up on him
B. Divorce and move forward

Perhaps he told his brother about the state of your marriage and the other woman.

"I’ve known his brother since he was a teenager, he wouldn’t lie for him."

Yes, he would. FACT. Especially if OW brings brother happiness.

OP I'm so sorry, but he clearly loves her xx

Sorry but I doubt anything will change when you talk to him. You’re happy to stay in this marriage and he’s unhappy. At some point he’s going to leave you, I feel if the ow keeps backing off then he might leave you sooner.

Everyone here has given you great advice. You seem intent on staying in this marriage even though there’s no intimacy or love. If that’s your choice then I guess you need to accept what’s happening as it’s been years and it’s still not ended. She isn’t disappearing, your child being born isn’t going to change anything!

If he's told his brother all about the OW on the level, as well as all about your lack of intimacy and sex, you can bet your life the brother will lie for him. His loyalties aren't to you. You're the cause of the affair in their eyes.

Of course he would lie for his brother. As much as you don’t want to see what’s in front of your eyes, his relationship with her will be an open secret among his circle.

Exactly. His friends will want him to be happy.

As per PP, if you insist on staying in this situation, for whatever comforts it affords you, stop checking his phone.

@SunflowerRose1990 have you ever been under any psychiatric care? I'm not joking or making light or trying to be offensive but every post, you don't sound well to have such entrenched level of delusion and low self worth... Or like a pp said, manipulation over your husband and bringing an innocent baby into it as if it's a good idea or the child won't suffer for the choices you've made. It's really really sad to read

I don’t think she wants him either, God I wouldn’t. He’s a true prince among men isn’t he.

Why would you want him, have some respect for yourself. You’ll get over him. You’ll meet someone who loves you and won’t cheat on you. He’s a scum bag, let him go. If it’s not her it’ll be someone else.

Why on earth would you want to bring a baby into a situation where the father DOES NOT want to be with their mother?

I have no time for cheats, no time for the idea that this couple are ‘meant to be together’ or ‘so in love’ I call bs on that, but what’s for sure is that you are the outsider to their relationship. You are the white noise in their background.

No one deserves this. And you don’t either.

This is the relationship your child will see as a blueprint for their own as they grow up.

Is that really what you want?

You've had over 150 comments all saying the same and many more reading this and thinking it.

I know reconciled happy couples but what I do know is that the cheat is entirely focused on the safety of their betrayed partner. Your husband could not be further from that. He does not care for you.

Let it go.

@SunflowerRose1990 - Let's turn the tables on this one:

Why can't you leave him alone?

That's a question worth pondering.

Sadly this is only going to bring more unhappiness for both of you. It really is not sustainable in the long term at all and only a matter of time before everything blows apart.

Nobody should live like this. Not you, not him.

You can see from his messages to her the depth of feelings he has for this other woman, and you freely admit yourself that your own relationship is like a cloudy day with the two of you living separate lives.

Sadly you being pregnant does not stop his feelings for somebody else and his lack of feelings for you. All the talk in the world is not going to make this right I'm afraid as it really is not salvageable. You may bumble on like this until your baby is born but realistically you do not have a long term future together as even if he were to stop talking to this lady, another will appear in the future as there is a big empty gap in your own relationship.

It really would be better if you try to come to terms with this as you are only prolonging your own heartache and unhappiness.

OP, I feel so, so sorry for you.

You only have one life. And you're wasting it. Day by day, in this farce of a marriage you so hard insist to stick to.

There's so much possibility out there, of love, of happiness, of keeping your dignity.

Please, love yourself a little bit.

Bloody hell OP.
Who cares about Instagram? He slept with her a few days ago. He’s making it so obvious that he wants you to know.

Please do have the chat but make sure you listen to what he’s saying. And if he’s in love with her then discuss how to separate that works for you both. Persuading him into staying for baby and making him block her on Instagram etc is not going to work forever.

Please seek counselling. You sound very depressed and stuck in your thinking.
💐

How do you see things in say a decade? Still not having sex, still bumbling along, still going out with his family. What an absolute waste of all your lives. You don't love eachother like you should. You both deserve to be happy and to find a partner that gives you what you're not getting here. Why would you settle like this?

I know it's scary, I've been there, however you do recover and rebuild. It is not normal for almost all of your marriage to be without intimacy. It's not hard to see why he's had an affair. It's not right of course and I know how painful that is but you can't continue like this and really need to work out how to separate and co-parent effectively. You'd probably do well to seek some counselling.

Can I ask OP what your family think? Do they know?