Friend always late

[TaraMoon]

I have a friend who I often meet for a dog walk. We live fairly close to each other and tend to meet at a certain spot.
So, for example, we’ll agree to meet at 4pm at the park gate and so often she’ll turn up at 4.10. Not always but mostly. I think it’s getting worse … and I’d just love to know what goes on in the mind of someone who does this? Is it about control, is it disrespect, is it just sheer disorganisation?
She’s a lovely person in every other way but this is so rude and inconsiderate (to my mind), I just don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to make me stand somewhere for 10 mins.
Yes, I could do this too but somehow I can’t bear to play the same game.
I’m not a confrontational person but last time I said ‘I see you like to keep me waiting’ quite sharply. She looked surprised but didn’t comment.
We’re meeting again this afternoon and already I feel irritated at the thought of her thinking her time is more important than mine!
Are you habitually late meeting people, and if so, do you think it’s fine? Why do you do it?!

I think some people are just that way. They see 4pm as around that time, rather than actually 4pm. Very frustrating, and they seem to get away with it.

I know someone who's always late! I do tend to think it's disorganisation rather than disrespect. It is annoying though.

10 minutes is not a big deal is it? I don’t mind waiting 10? I’m chronically early though so it’s be more like 20 :)

I have a friend like this. She was always late for every meetup. In the end I had to ask her 'Why are you always late to meet me?' She apologised and said she had always been late . Her parents were ditherers and always late too. She saw it as normal. I explained that most people aren't late and that I disliked it and saw it as disrespectful. I genuinely think she didn't realise. She is still occasionally late but always texts to let me know.
Other friends have always excused her behaviour but didn't ever say anything. Since I've spoken up others have to.
Worth a try.

But I do mind standing in the cold for 10 mins. Why should I when we agreed a time. Of course I wouldn’t mind it occasionally, sometimes stuff happens, but it just seems quite rude to me if it’s habitual. Like literally saying ‘my time is more important than yours!’

This is such a shit excuse. My parents are dithered and always late, so I know how annoying it is, so I am never late!

Arrange to meet her at 1600 and get there for 1615.

I have a very dear friend who was constantly late by about 10 minutes. I sat at a cafe one lunch time for 35 minutes waiting for her and when she hurried in looking a bit sheepish, she spotted someone she knew from work and continued to chat with them for another 10 minutes while I sat there fuming. Couldn’t actually believe how rude she was being! When she finally joined me I said to her that I wasn’t doing that again. I surprised myself speaking up but I was so anoyed that my time didn’t matter to her.
She is still a very good friend and has never been late like that again 😊

I think you just need to directly ask her why she’s always late, and ask her to stop it. How do you react when she shows up, are you always just nice about it?

I don’t know why people do this and I really can’t think of a good reason for it. Time is the same for every one so I personally think those who are frequently late choose to be.

In your situation, as you like her despite that trait, I would tell her you would be beginning your walk at the agreed time but would walk fairly slowly for ten minutes so she can catch you up if she wants to. (if you follow a set route).

Stop meeting her then. It’s ten minutes honestly if you’re already getting irritated just spare her and find someone else who will meet you at exactly the right time. Think how happy you’ll be!

Be late once and see what happens. If she kicks up a fuss, point out her hypocrisy. Some people consider it normal so probably wouldn't be hurt if it was 50:50

She will probably be doing one more task at home or whatever. I think turn up at 415 and assume that’s the new normal? If she gets later and later have a conversation about it

My friend is like this too, her record so far is an hour.
I met her sunday for a film and she turned up 30 mins late.
Not doing it again.

It isn't deliberately rude, it's about being confused and disorganised, having a hazy sense of time and always trying to fit in one more thing that suddenly seems essential. I believe that fits the symptom list for ADHD but that will bring immediate censure. It's like the tidy living with the untidy, probably better if these types don't associate if it can't be accommodated.

For me I always aim to be 15 minutes before the time but sometimes buses are late/ my son is being a terror leaving the house.

I do have a friend that I always tell me to meet an hour before I plan to be there though. She’s usually around 5 mins late 🤣

I think you sharp comment last time will probably have fixed it. See what happens today.

My friend who does this is just a massive optimist and always thinks she can do the 'get ready and be out of the door' in half the time she actually can. She isn't being disrespectful, she's just a bit time blind and over optimistic.
Some people put a lot of store in punctuality to the minute.
It's a personality thing, not a 'she doesn't value your time' thing.

Meanwhile in other cultures around the world the person very disappointed in lack of punctuality would be a massive outlier in terms of accepted norms.
Personally, I think your sharp comment was unnecessary (though appreciate the frustration behind it) it's only a dog walk not catching the last train home, try not to take it personally as you seem to be feeling right now...
As character flaws go it's tiny tiny...
if your friend is otherwise very lovely and you value her friendship I'd let her off this minor issue and try to understand that not everyone is good at resisting last minute distractions, keeping an eye on the clock, resisting faff, think it's that important etc etc

One way to manage your own frustration (which is rooted in your own approach to things and so is subjective to the belief that's how everyone can/should be), would be to have a little ten minute task you can do on your phone while you wait.
Quick text you need to send
Check email inbox
Book an appointment... Whatever.

I get your point - and your irritation - but 10 minutes is within the bounds of acceptable lateness for most people. It is annoying if it’s constant, though. I have a friend like this and I’m now a bit jokey about it - if we have a “what time shall we meet?” exchange and she texts “2?”, I’ll reply with “2 is great - see you there at 2.15 😂”. And I now don’t bust a gut to be bang on time myself either.

More than that, though - 20 minutes or more, as some others have experienced - is out of order unless there’s been a genuine problem or emergency and I’d just leave.

These threads to tend to go that way. I agree that if it happens too often, and you find it irritating it's best to find friends who see life the same way you do.
My perpetually late friend is adamant that she's never late. I'm fond of her but i don't see her often, and i go prepared to wait.
At one point we started arranging to meet at her house, but I'd get there and still have to wait as she'd be in the shower or have popped to the shop, because she really does have time blindness.
Meeting at mine is slightly better, as I'm able to do things, but Ive learnt to have somewhere I need to bee two hours after the arranged time.
She's marginally better as a result 😂

You can't slice and dice someone's personality traits like they are pick and mix though.

She's a package and is who she is.
Seriously doubt she is being deliberately disrespectful when you describe her as lovely.

If what she brings to your life isn't worth your patience and tolerance in this matter then she should offer her friendship to someone who will appreciate it.

It's a predictable pattern of behaviour, so wrap up warm or walk about to keep warm while you wait the ten minutes.

Meanwhile if punctuality is your show stopper and this will rile you enough to withdraw from the friendship that's your loss choice.

There are different types of people in this world. Some are like you who like to do things to the letter, like arrive at 4pm on the dot. And like to make plans far in advance and don't like plans being changed and things being cancelled last minute.
Other people live life in more of a fuzzy haze, and make vague plans for things - but in their mind nothing is ever set in stone so they are always very flexible both with their own and other's time! They seem to struggle to plan in advance, and can't take into account things that might delay them, eg traffic.
You just have to accept the difference and deal with people.

I am more like you and like to be on time. My "life in a haze" friend I ask to text when they leave the house, so I know when they are on their way!
However I also know a super extreme version of the "on time" person, who gets extremely anxious if you are even just a minute or two late, and is totally unable to cope with any kind change of plan, to the point they will just go home if you are not there! I've just learned to accept their ways and always be on time, and never change plans.

I'm trying to to say a bit of flexibility from everyone isn't such a bad thing. And try to be in the middle of these two extremes.

I had friends like this. I found it so disrespectful. My friend was 45 minutes late once. She lived 20 minutes away, I lived 35 minutes away and got to the meeting point at the agreed time. So for 25 minutes of the time I was waiting there she hadn't even left her house. I'm no longer friends with this person for several reasons.

I was going on holiday with my brother and my friend. I was driving to the airport and had booked us into the lounge as a surprise. Told friend what time I would pick her up, told her not to be late and when I arrived she wasn't ready. While I was waiting she was hoovering her house and taking things off her clothes drier to pack. WTAF? So disrespectful. This would have pissed me off anyway but it made it worse that I had spent money on the lounge as a treat and we lost time. Again, I'm no longer friends with this person.

Same group of friends turned up to a NYE party after midnight. Thankfully I was attending with other friends.

Mutual tolerance is a lovely thing.

I agree to a point@WashingAt30 but it does seem to be that its the less 'hazy' people doing most of the being flexible in these instances