Friend always late

[TaraMoon]

I have a friend who I often meet for a dog walk. We live fairly close to each other and tend to meet at a certain spot.
So, for example, we’ll agree to meet at 4pm at the park gate and so often she’ll turn up at 4.10. Not always but mostly. I think it’s getting worse … and I’d just love to know what goes on in the mind of someone who does this? Is it about control, is it disrespect, is it just sheer disorganisation?
She’s a lovely person in every other way but this is so rude and inconsiderate (to my mind), I just don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to make me stand somewhere for 10 mins.
Yes, I could do this too but somehow I can’t bear to play the same game.
I’m not a confrontational person but last time I said ‘I see you like to keep me waiting’ quite sharply. She looked surprised but didn’t comment.
We’re meeting again this afternoon and already I feel irritated at the thought of her thinking her time is more important than mine!
Are you habitually late meeting people, and if so, do you think it’s fine? Why do you do it?!

Yep, when it's mutual 😊

I think it's really rude and selfish. I'd say something.
Can you also find a way to manage it? I've had a few friends who were always late and I'd either get them to phone when they we leaving their house or I'd pick them up or get them to pick me up.
People who are regularly late are rude and boring.

@JadePlayer I agree, sometimes. And sometimes the more laid back not so punctual people are busy tolerating other aspects of their friend having a rigid approach to things.
There is a flip side to every coin.
We all need to show and be shown patience and tolerance over one thing or another... Obviously there are limits to every rule but for 99% of people a smile and shrug and a way to stop yourself getting hot under the collar goes a long way.

Absolutely!

The problem is that in this scenario, innocuous disorganisation leads to disrespect.

I find this kind of lateness really disrespectful too.

Have you ever kept her waiting? The reaction of habitual latecomers to your lateness is quite revealing as the the underlying reasons. If it is for control/disrespect then when you do it to them they are NOT happy! I turned up 6 mins late to meet a family member (who was usually 10-15+ mins late), as I took the wrong turning. I was quite surprised to see they were already there when I arrived 6 mins late - they were fuming and that leaked out in facial expressions and PA remarks. Lightbulb moment.

I would text when you get there to let them know you've arrived, you're gone for wander and to text you when they get there and you'll come back to meet them.

I’m from a family that is always early and married into an always late family. I like to just be on time but allow for people being late meeting up eg I’ll say 4 but mean if they get there at 415 it’s not the end of the earth. I won’t say 415 in case they’re late and it cuts short our time. On mn people say ‘but why should I have to etc’. If you like them you like them, if it irritates you enough then they irritate you. It’s who they are

Love all the people in this thread making it into a personality flaw in the OP that she doesn’t like to stand bored in the cold for 10 minutes every single time! Many of us who have a tendency to lateness and disorganisation realise that it is important to make the effort not to repeatedly leave other people waiting in the cold, or hungry, or bored, and find strategies to be early rather than late. If you live independently and manage to navigate the world and hold down a job it is a matter of priorities not time-blindness or a better personality than all the ‘rigid and controlling’ people. Set an alarm, note how long it takes to actually get somewhere once you’ve started, just pay a bit of attention.. But that said OP I have a friend who still does this most of the time. I talk about it openly when we plan to meet, remind her when our time is limited or there’s some other reason that makes it important to be on time, and occasionally tell her when she’s slipping that it is getting irritating. She in response to all of that makes enough of an effort to usually only be five minutes late and says sorry when she doesn’t manage that it’s tolerable. If you do like your friend otherwise maybe just getting it out in the open is enough to improve the situation to where it’s more liveable with.

I think I am generally flexible and tolerant… I think it’s the fact I’m waiting outside in the cold and she knows this. Somehow it feels controlling. If I was at home or in a cafe with a coffee, 10 mins wouldn’t bother me. 30 mins would but not if there was a good reason.
I just wonder what goes through her mind. If I knew I was running late at 3.45, I’d send a quick message to say so.
I work from home and have deadlines to meet. She usually mentions a work excuse, like a last-minute email, but I get those too.

As I say, she is generally lovely so I just wonder what the psychology of it is!

I made friends with a neighbour who was late for everything.
Her son then started on the same football team as my child.
Friend would often turn up late for training and also matches...actually turned up about 20 mins late for a match and on seeing the match was in progress actually said they could have waited.
She then suggested she would just get a lift with me I said ok but I we like to be on time.
She messaged morning of the next match,we will get a lift with you what time does match start....she should have already known this.
My reply was we are leaving at 10am....(and I was going to leave at 10am whether they were here or not)
She replied ok we will just make our own way and yes they were late for the match again.

Could you just have a little chat with her then, you say she's lovely, if you tell her how you feel in a 'can I let you know something' kind of way, it gives her the chance to understand she's having an impact and make a bit more effort for you.
It's hopefully would only be a small tweak needed and she might know you're WFH etc but just not really think she's making any difference.

A bit of open friendly communication is a good way to deal with things, apart from anything it'll clear the air and stop you spilling into snapping at her, which it doesn't sound like she deserves generally.

There does seem to be an assumption from ‘on time’ people that lateness is a sign of disrespect or a personality flaw! One poster said ‘Time is the same for everyone’ but actually that’s not necessarily true! I have ADHD (and I’m autistic) and I get time blindness. I struggle to estimate how long tasks will take. I ‘lose time’. Like I genuinely look at the clock and think ‘where did that hour go?’. I get hyper focused on something and it’s really difficult to break that to move on to the next task. I do my utmost to be on time. But all it takes is one thing to be out of whack like a phone call, change of plans, something unexpected (like my dog has chewed something that needs cleaning up) and my whole schedule goes to pot. I have alarms every 30 minutes for 2 hours weekday evenings so I’m aware of time to get DD to bed on time! I promise that if I’m late I don’t do it for power, control, because I respect people less than myself, it’s just that I find life difficult!
Also I was only diagnosed with ADHD 18 months ago at 40 so yes, there are lots of adults wandering around being late because they don’t know they have ADHD!

A bad habit. I had to politely point out to parents have the kid ready as next kid is late (school bus). My friend the same. If she says 4pm I come at 4.10 as just waiting around!

I wonder how 'late' people manage to get to Doctors appointments, buses, trains, flights, shift work that starts at 0800 etc? I'd certainly get pissed off if I was waiting for someone to relieve me at work and was always late. I doubt doctors or dentists tolerate lateness why should you?

I do my utmost. I aim to be early then I’m usually on time. Sometimes I miss appointments. Sometimes I’m stupidly early (like an hour before). I’ve never missed a flight thank God but I’ve only flown alone three times, I usually have another adult to help me.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/apr/04/audhd-what-is-behind-rocketing-rates-life-changing-diagnosis?

I was this person. I would underestimate just how long it would take to get ready and leave the house, travel, etc. (One of my kids ADHD so time blindness might be a factor with me too.)

However, I did see that it was very rude and selfish of me so now I am obsessively punctual, to the point where I find it very difficult to stay calm if something delays me. I live in constant fear of accidentally messing up, getting the wrong day, etc.

Many pps have commented along the lines of 'it's only ten minutes' but ten minutes of your time several times a week adds up to a lot of time lost on your part.

My friend is like this. It’s not a respect thing. She is just an incessant faffer. She can’t help it. I’m not sure if it’s a mental health thing. But she is late for everything. Work, meeting people, appointments, everything.
She gives lectures as part of her job and even if she does turn up on time or early even she will faff and faff until the lecture starts 15 minutes late. I’ve been there numerous times. There is no reason she can’t start on time. But yet she cannot ever start on time

My partner and a close friend are like this and it drives me insane. Nothing I say or do can stop them being late all the time. My friend even lost a job over being frequently late for work and she still hasn’t changed her ways.

I hate lateness.Yanbu.

Yanbu.

So arrange 4pm but in your head think it's really 4.15 and turn up then.

Otherwise don't make arrangements.

There's going to be a whole variety of possible reasons behind it - from the conscious control/power play to faffing/disorganisation to ADHD.

The thing that is probably most important is your reaction to it. You're irritated by it. I'm the same. Being punctual is very important to me. I usually arrive early to things, wait somewhere nearby and then turn up exactly on time. If I'm late for any reason I find it quite stressful.

The texting when I get there (on time, not before) and then going for a wander and coming back when the other person arrives has really helped me. Standing around getting irritated definitely didn't. If there is a seat/it is comfortable to wait agreed meeting place then I'll listen to a chapter of an audible book or something if wandering round isn't an attractive option.

It will be interesting to see if she turns up on time today, given your words last time...please let us know 🙂

I have a friend I've known since nursery so around 36 years. She is always late, as was her mother. It's just the way she is!

I was always late, grew up in a family of people always late. Would have told you that's just me and I couldn't help it. Then I grew up and realised it was bloody rude and started being early instead. It is rude OP. If someone cares enough they'll be on time - except for rare unforeseen problems - even then they should message to explain. ADHD etc is not an excuse it's an explanation. We can all improve if we care enough and try. Some just find it harder than others and need more support that's all.