Friend always late

[TaraMoon]

I have a friend who I often meet for a dog walk. We live fairly close to each other and tend to meet at a certain spot.
So, for example, we’ll agree to meet at 4pm at the park gate and so often she’ll turn up at 4.10. Not always but mostly. I think it’s getting worse … and I’d just love to know what goes on in the mind of someone who does this? Is it about control, is it disrespect, is it just sheer disorganisation?
She’s a lovely person in every other way but this is so rude and inconsiderate (to my mind), I just don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to make me stand somewhere for 10 mins.
Yes, I could do this too but somehow I can’t bear to play the same game.
I’m not a confrontational person but last time I said ‘I see you like to keep me waiting’ quite sharply. She looked surprised but didn’t comment.
We’re meeting again this afternoon and already I feel irritated at the thought of her thinking her time is more important than mine!
Are you habitually late meeting people, and if so, do you think it’s fine? Why do you do it?!

I think she's probably cramming too much in. I have a friend who we sometimes meet for a dog walk or a coffee but we're both constantly busy. So we might text in the morning and agree we'll meet for coffee around 10:00. But we both know that the other one is rushing so it then starts this rather ridiculous series of text messages as we update the other one so whoever needs to isn't standing around uselessly.

Me 9:30: I'm stuck on a call but should be done shortly, then will leave. Aiming to be on time but don't rush. I'll let you know when the call is finished.

Her 935: No problem. I actually need to pop into Boots so I'll go there first. Text when you're leaving.

Me 9:45: Right, I got rid of the client! yay. Leaving in 2 minutes. What's traffic like? Shall I just come find you in Boots once I've parked?

Her 9:46: Yes, good idea. Se you here.

Her 9:58: I'm done in Boots but have popped into the O2 shop to get a new phone case. I'll be here, or see you at Pret in 10.

Me 10:05 - Brilliant, just parked. See you in Pret.

it's ridiculous, but it works for us and neither of us is sitting around waiting.

I would like to know how people who are always late manage to start work on time , attend hairdresser or medical appointments, catch trains etc ?

I AM that friend, and I always aim to be on time - it's not intentional! Its a symptom of ADHD...

They’re very different things to meeting friends. Meetings with friends are more relaxed and all of my friends are laid back about times, 10 minutes wouldn’t register.

So people can be on time if necessary??

I had a friend like this. So arranged we would meet at my house, so it didn’t matter. But if I wasn’t ready when he arrived (late) he would be furious. No longer a friend. (And he works in the airline industry -flies a lot -never misses a plane…)

I have a friend that is always late too. I now tell her to text me when she leaves her house - that way I can do the same. It works like a dream. I totally understand how you feel. What makes their time more important than yours?

Notwithstanding my post above about the ridiculous interaction between me and one of my friends, I am usually, broadly on time. But what that means is that I do severely limit what I do and who I do it with because being on time is actually really hard. This particular friend, with the process we've evolved for flexibility, is the exception.

The thing I find the most stressful about doctor's appointments, hairdressers etc is that it means I have to 100% work in flexibility to ensure I'm on time, leaving earlier etc. I simply don't have the time for that - being on time inevitably means I have to stop what I'm doing half way through, or build in time for unforeseen circumstances which then make me waste time. Which I hate because I have so little of it. But I do it, because I do think being late is extremely rude. But it does also mean that I tend to be very careful about what appointments I agree to, and when I set them up for.

You know how you sometimes hear people say, "it drives me mad, Amy claims to always be too busy she can't even fit in a cup of coffee". I'm Amy. It's NOT that I'm too busy - int theory, I could absolutely take an hour for coffee. the problem is that it's NOT an hour and the stress of having to figure out how I'm going to manage it, or know that I'll have to think about how to schedule things beforehand is too much for me because I just have too much going on.

(and yes, I'm aware that's not that helpful and yes, I'm trying to work on ways to fix this and yes, sometimes I do wonder if perhaps DS' ADHD is not entirely inherited from his dad....)

So give your friends the same respect you give dentists etc.

My dd has struggled with this, and missed flights and appointments (diagnosed adhd) so not everybody can. She relies quite a lot on me to keep her on track.

I have a friend like this. Always a few minutes late because she decides to "hang the washing out", "send a quick email", etc. while I wait.
She presumably doesn't do this if she is catching a train, going to the dentist, etc.
I don't mind, it's only ten minutes, but sometimes I meet her on the way to join others (she lives near me) and that means we end up being late to meet others in the group, who sometimes have to stand waiting for us to go on somewhere else.
Once she turned up late and I said (nicely) "I'll just text the others that we're a few minutes behind" and she was genuinely surprised that I was bothering to - but I hate the thought of people having wait for me (especially when it was not my fault!).

I disagree. DH (probably) has ADHD. DS definitely has it. I suspect MIL has it. Time is an issue, yes, but it can be managed.

I used to find it so frustrating that DH could only think in 30 minute chunks. So, he has to pop up to the vet by 10:00. He'd be getting ready at 9:00 to leave by 9:30 even though the vet is a 6 minute drive away.

I've learnt that this is literally the only way he can be sure he's on time. He cannot rush. Drives me absolutely batshit crazy, but I've come to accept it.

DS is the same. For now, I am the one telling him to get everything ready in advance, but I fully expect him to start learning this lesson and actually, he's starting to get it for things HE cares about. But he will be like DH - the things he needs to be on time for will require the kind of military planning usually reserved for a coronation. And it means neither of them can achieve anywhere near as much in a day as those of us who can plan on the fly can.

And don't even get me started on MIL. Bless her - she thinks she's very organised and in control. When actually, I think she's just been forced to create workarounds to manage. what this means is she's totally inflexible if plans change and, like DH, the smallest thing will take her 3x as long and 10x as much planning as for anyone else.

I can only speak for me and my friendship circle, but yes for appointments, job interviews etc. But I’d hate outings with friends to be like those things. Meeting up with friends should be a more relaxed affair.m. There’s a difference casual and professional when it comes to punctuality.

But why should the op have to always think of a little task to do whilst also standing there getting cold and probably wet?
The problem could be solved by her friend getting to the meeting point at the time agreed.

I agree with you if friends are coming round the house – in fact, I'd probably prefer them to be a bit late.
And I wouldn't mind at all waiting 10 mins in a cafe with a coffee.
I'm talking about waiting outside for 10 mins on a cold winter's day with a dog chomping at the bit when I could be doing something else - it's not relaxing, so why should I feel relaxed about it?! It's just rude to treat people like that imo.

@TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit

I was in a wheelchair as I broke both femurs

OMG 😱 Have you completely recovered? (I hope so!)

I'm always late and arrive in a tizz. I've been like this all my life and hate myself for it. I absolutely don't think my time is more important than anyone else's, quite the opposite. I go overboard with giving in other ways to try and make up for how shit I feel. What goes through my mind overtime I have to be somewhere at a specific time? Panic. Hopelessness. Despair and self-loathing. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. Fortunately my friends have always been accomodating and regarded if as a quirk rather than selfishness. Workplaces have not been so accomodating.

@Fairyliz well yes, I'm not saying she should have to.
But if that's not going to happen it's just a suggested way to keep your frustration down.

However, a chat with friend might sort it if she shares the fact it bothers her, and friend (with her improved awareness) can make the effort. Which I (and other pp) also suggested in the conversation. That would be even better. 👍

If friend is one of those people who is utterly pants at being on time, op will have to decide if she is willing to tolerate it for her friend's other lovely qualities or scrap the dog walk meet up.

At least the weather is warming up so she has time to consider her preference before next winter. 😁

I’d view a dog walk the same way as I would any meet up with my friends.

In the situation you describe, I’d play with my dogs and let them sniff around if a friend was not there yet. I wouldn’t even class 10 minutes as late.

This is an interesting thread. I'll hold my hand up to say that I'm not the best timekeeper, though I'm nothing like as significantly late as some of the people who've been described on here.

I try hard to avoid lateness. Meeting friends I'd really be no more than 10 mins late, and that's when meeting in a place where they'll already be comfy and have things to do (for instance meeting up at their place/in a coffee shop for coffee and a walk at a weekend). If it was for something time-critical (for instance meeting them for a meal out) I'd be unlikely to be late at all. If it I was then it'd be less than 5 mins.

I have developed a bad habit of being late going into work, though. Context is that it's flexi-time (we have to start by 0930), it's quite relaxed, I work hard and they all know I've worked hundreds more in extra hours voluntarily than I've ever gained from being late, but I do wonder why I do it. It's not as though I don't enjoy the job, but in the last year I seem to manage to be up to 20 minutes late every day.

People have speculated above about lateness being caused by lack of respect, desire to be controlling and other stuff, but with me what happens is that I'll be reading something on my iPad and at the time I've mentally put aside to jump up and get into the shower I'll think "Hmm, I'll just read one more quick article and have one last cigarette". That inevitably takes longer than I tell myself it will, which is something I should know. I also do this on Sat mornings when I volunteer in a village shop, and open up at 0830. It's a 45 seconds walk from my front door, and I've generally been sitting around with coffee, cigarette and paper for at least 30 minutes before I have to get up to leave, but I'll still manage to get there either literally on time or a couple of minutes late every week.

Even though I'm not dreading the thing I'm moving onto it's as though I'd rather spend a little bit of extra time in my head instead, every single time. Could introversion be part of it for those of us who are habitually late? (I've no idea - I'm not a psychologist - but I've wondered about this.)

See, this is the attitude that makes people feel like you don’t care

you can be on time when it’s “important” (to you ) but you want friends to be more relaxed and casual, so they should just accommodate you.

I have whole groups of friends that are very relaxed about meeting times. Arranging to meet at 4 would mean "around 4" to them. If we're meeting half way, I ask them to text me when they're leaving, and I leave the same time. We never arrange to meet anywhere where the first person would be stood waiting with nothing to do, we will meet somewhere with benches or a coffee shop, or a nice area to walk around and agree to text each other when we're there.
I have other friends who would find this really stressful, so I try not to mix them 😂

My friend all have the same attitude as I do. We’ve all been friends since uni, more than 20 years now, and have no issues. No need to be offended on their behalf. Stand down. 😉

Not offended, just explaining how it can come across but as all your friends are fine with it, you’re good.

YANBU
Lateness IS a disrespect of the time of the person you are keeping waiting.

If it’s ALWAYS 10 mins late, it’s purposefully done- like passive aggression.

It would drive me mad too.