Friend always late

[TaraMoon]

I have a friend who I often meet for a dog walk. We live fairly close to each other and tend to meet at a certain spot.
So, for example, we’ll agree to meet at 4pm at the park gate and so often she’ll turn up at 4.10. Not always but mostly. I think it’s getting worse … and I’d just love to know what goes on in the mind of someone who does this? Is it about control, is it disrespect, is it just sheer disorganisation?
She’s a lovely person in every other way but this is so rude and inconsiderate (to my mind), I just don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to make me stand somewhere for 10 mins.
Yes, I could do this too but somehow I can’t bear to play the same game.
I’m not a confrontational person but last time I said ‘I see you like to keep me waiting’ quite sharply. She looked surprised but didn’t comment.
We’re meeting again this afternoon and already I feel irritated at the thought of her thinking her time is more important than mine!
Are you habitually late meeting people, and if so, do you think it’s fine? Why do you do it?!

I'd be so interested to hear from the late folk what it is that winds them up about their punctual friends, I think this might help me to be more tolerant

@Princessfluffy don't we all have bits of things about us which are annoying at times?

Agree! I just don't get the 'how awful, I can't believe you actually arrived at the time we agreed and aren't ecstatic to hang about on your own for 20 mins for me!!'

I wouldn't mind that- if I was you i'd just add 10 minutes on to whatever she says. She probably has a bit of time blindness.
I do get it's frustrating though- I have issues with time but I try my best if i know someone is waiting for me.
I have a friend who lives nearby who's awful and in her case I think there is a bit of disrespect, she just doesn't care. She'll would say lets meet at 3 so I'd rush my 3 kids out of the house and be waiting outside, she'd then message at quarter past 3 saying just eating lunch and putting a washing on- i'll send child down so I end up outside watching all the kids while she sorts her house and mine is in disarray from rushing not to be late. I've given up now and I only leave the house once she says she's leaving.

I am a super organised person, never ever late and do things well ahead of time with a margin of error built in. I have a number of friends who are far more laidback and I did used to wish I could be more relaxed and more like them.

However after holidaying with them and spending time at close quarters with them over the years I have been really horrified by the amount of stress in their lives and series of domestic disasters which are caused by habitual lateness, not bothering to read emails and a lack of preparation and attention to detail. Of course I’m not saying that someone who is 10 minutes late falls into this category but I was really shocked at the level of stress that can result from not being organised, particularly for children.

I constantly get told how amazingly organised and always punctual I am etc as if it’s some sort of gift but like a lot of things in life like eating healthily and staying fit etc it takes one hell of a lot of effort and commitment. I do it because I hate stress.

Adhd, autism, time blindness and disorganisation.

I’m a late person. I try really hard not to be late to things and feel really stressed when I am late but somehow, no matter how early I start getting ready, I’m still pushing it for time. It is a really stressful way to live and have tried many things to help me change but it just feels like I’m time blind or something. One parent and one sibling the same, other parent and other sibling are early for everything.

Also some struggle with sleep or have pain issues that makes getting ready hard, and they won’t generally tell you about this, using a haha such and such happened excuse.

I'm a dog-walker. Rather than hang around the park gate with my dog, which he'd hate because once we reach the park he wants to be off running and exploring, I'd start walking and call her to say that you'll walk slowly along your usual route and she can catch you up when she arrives. If she's walking her dog to the park and s/he is spending a lot of time sniffing or dawdling that might be making her late occasionally.

A dog walk in the park is a fairly casual arrangement. It's not like you're going to miss a bus or not get into the theatre if she's late. Yes, it's mildly annoying but if you enjoy your contact with her then I don't think ten minutes occasionally (you say she's not always late) would matter to me. You sound a bit uptight, I'm afraid.

Same. I work away and am in a hotel with literally the essentials for half the week and I still find myself in a rush to get ready despite waking up with loads of time.

Ask her not to be late and offer a solution.

Suggest you will start to walk in XX direction at three minutes past meet time if she is not there. You hope she doesn't mind and that she will catch up.

It is not good enough for her to phone as you are still there waiting in the cold. Otherwise, ask her if the time is too early and if meeting ten minutes later would suit better?

• uncompromising standards
• judgemental
• rigid
• inflexible
• boring
• less able to cope with unexpected circumstances and emergencies
• ultimate faff with itineraries and military organisation of activities
• anally retentive

@Princessfluffy

• cause completely unnecessary stress
• controlling
• domineering
• think they are superior
• often snobbish
• highly strung
• neurotic

I think that ought to cover it 😂

I have an acquaintance who is always, always late, to social gatherings. On average about 30 minutes, but many times it’s been over an hour, even longer sometimes. It’s so frustrating. She is a true time waster. She does apologise but it’s got to the point where her friends end up “managing” her, in that if the meet up is at 2pm, they will tell her to meet at 1pm. It’s like a running joke. But I am too old for this kind of thing.

She gets to work on time, completes the school run in time, gets to other appointments on time, but can’t do so socially.

I reckon I’ve figured it out. DH is always late, I’m always early. The main difference in our thinking is that if I have an appointment at ten o’clock, with ten minutes travel time, I’ll get up in the morning thinking I’ve got until 9.30 to get ready and do whatever. DH gets up with the attitude that he has until 10 o’clock…..

If you want to meet your friend at say , 6pm then say you would like to meet at 5.45 . I use this tactic with my sister who had form for being late

• cause completely unnecessary stress
• controlling
• domineering
• think they are superior
• often snobbish
• highly strung
• neurotic

Maybe it’s partly because I’ve lived in London most of my adult life - where transport delays and traffic jams means you can’t really be bang on time, but I can’t imagine any of my friends fitting this description . Even the people I think are punctual (including me) wouldn’t really consider ten minutes late an issue.

But it probably helps that we usually meet at a restaurant, cafe or in a mall.

I have a couple of “late friends” who will be absurdly late though in every situation though , as in I’ll travel up to an hour to meet them at a location somewhere near them and they’ll still rock up over 30 minutes late.

Now that is annoying and inconsiderate IMO. I’ve learnt to handle people like that by not leaving until I’m certain they’ve already set off.

None of my punctual friends fit that description either - most people I know who are punctual do it precisely because they are very considerate and thoughtful where other people are concerned.

I can’t bear to think of keeping people waiting.

@Looolaa

I’m obviously talking about the people who are bang on time, usually early, who then have a problem with people arriving at 11.05 for an 11.00 meeting (because they’ve be there from 10.45… or are generally intolerant).

I have a friend who is persistently half hour to 2 hours late for things with no reason.

Sometimes I am late due to time blindness, sometimes it is a pain issue. Thankfully I have understanding friends.

Hang on a minute. For example, if I have taken 3 hours out of my day, say after a long day at work, to meet with a friend, and let’s say I have had to pay a baby sitter to look after my kids for that time, I then would have spent time and money getting to, and back, from the meet up, and then end up spending money at said event. Given all of this, you would consider me to be all of the above that you have listed, because I got really pissed off that my friend is late 45 minutes or an hour?

• obviously 1/2hr-2hrs late is unacceptable

@ArtyWren please see my later posts 45min to an hour usually unacceptable

We are talking about a person here who is intolerant of 10 minutes which is usually within the leeway period… roughly 15 min either side…. Between 15-30min starting to be unreasonable, 30min+ unreasonable.

I don't know why posters are talking about people being half an hour to an hour late when the post is actually about 10 minutes and 10 minutes is nothing. I don't consider 5 to 10 minutes to be late at all and it doesn't bother me at all if my friends turn up 5 or 10 minutes after the time we said. I will just either look at my phone or wander around a little bit or just enjoy taking time to breathe deeply and be mindful.
I am often 5 or 10 minutes late for things and that is for everything including appointments but then appointments are never on time either. I regularly wait 20 to 30 minutes at the dentist and doctors to be seen.
People who say they couldn't wait for more than 2 minutes come across as ridiculous to me. That is just so rigid and inflexible.
And as for the actual op you keep saying that you don't want to be in the cold and the wind. But you're going for a walk in the cold and the wind!. I don't see what difference it makes. Why can't you just walk around a little bit with your dog while you're waiting? 10 minutes really is nothing and I always welcome the opportunity to take 10 minutes to relax
I do know a couple of people like the op and I will always message if I am running even 2 seconds late because I know how uptight they are about it. But I do find it utterly baffling and really strange that they want to get somewhere early and then get cross if I'm a few minutes later.
I have one friend who recently has said it annoys her that I'm a few minutes late for things and I think it's incredibly ironic given that if we ever go out and she drinks alcohol, she turns into a complete nightmare drunk and for years I've had to deal with this and have never really said anything to her at all. So those of you complaining about lateness might want to wonder what other things your friends are putting up with in you. Friendships are supposed to be about give and take and accepting people as they are rather than expecting them to adhere to your rigid expectations