Friend always late

[TaraMoon]

I have a friend who I often meet for a dog walk. We live fairly close to each other and tend to meet at a certain spot.
So, for example, we’ll agree to meet at 4pm at the park gate and so often she’ll turn up at 4.10. Not always but mostly. I think it’s getting worse … and I’d just love to know what goes on in the mind of someone who does this? Is it about control, is it disrespect, is it just sheer disorganisation?
She’s a lovely person in every other way but this is so rude and inconsiderate (to my mind), I just don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to make me stand somewhere for 10 mins.
Yes, I could do this too but somehow I can’t bear to play the same game.
I’m not a confrontational person but last time I said ‘I see you like to keep me waiting’ quite sharply. She looked surprised but didn’t comment.
We’re meeting again this afternoon and already I feel irritated at the thought of her thinking her time is more important than mine!
Are you habitually late meeting people, and if so, do you think it’s fine? Why do you do it?!

Just because someone is habitually unpunctual does not mean it is deliberate and passive aggressive.
It might.
Or it could just be bad time keeping or organisation.
Or they might not care about punctuality that much and assume you don't either (unless you've told them)

Surely the biggest issue isn't how punctual someone is but it's the communication that surrounds it. They is nothing wrong with casual timings if everyone is aware of it. If everyone agrees to meet at the pub around 9 and everyone understand that the means around 9 then that's all well and good. However arranging to meet someone for a walk at a random meeting place at a set time can only man one thing to me and that's that it's a fixed time.

I am not convinced by any of the excuses given for being late on regular basis. If you are aware that you may be late due to whatever reason then I don't understand why you wouldn't tell the person you are meeting. It's really shitty and unkind not to. I think it shows that you don't care about people if you are regularly late. All the issues some people have with timings and organization skills doesn't make it ok.

My sister is always late and she definitely thinks her time is more important than anyone else’s. She is also the queen of the dramatic arrival with lame excuses. She doesn’t like it one bit if you are late for her and keep her waiting. I’d never have someone like my sister as a friend and limit my interactions with her as I find her selfishness annoying.

My actual friends are lovely and would never leave me waiting unless they had a good reason. Good people treat other people with respect and consideration, they don’t leave them standing outside in the cold and wet.

@MsMarch it sounds a bit like you support DH and DS like i support DD (young adult)
I was simply responding to the idea that people can catch a flight or be at work on time, so they should treat friends as equally important. So i pointed out that some people struggle to be on time for really time critical things too.
I still find people being late really irritating, and even more so the poster who think waiting 10 mins is no biggie.
I do wonder if the people who say it's not long to wait, stop making a fuss are the people waiting....because i imagine they are the ones who expect other people to wait for them

OP, why are you so hell bent on this being about rudeness and disrespect? What if your friend is very disorganised, has ADHD, struggles to get ready etc.? wouldn't you prefer to find out first before jumping to conclusions and making your mind up about her being rude?!

Why don't you just go 10 minutes later?!

The point I am trying to make ( and which you seem to have confirmed) is that people CAN be punctual if they have to ! From what you have suggested , you/ your friends COULD be on time but only if it’s for a hairdresser , doctor , whatever .
I am interested in this as I used to be friends with a woman who was repeatedly late. 4 of us used to meet for a meal once a month and she was always late . The rest of us started saying we were meeting at 7 in the hope she would be there at 7.30 but she would still rush in all in a flap about 7.40 .
Yet , strangely , she managed to get to her hairdresser , doctor etc on time !
I can sometimes be a few minutes late but I do think that repeated lateness is rude . And I do know about ADHD .

I’d love to have so much time on my hands that wasting 10 minutes standing in a cold muddy field waiting for someone to turn up wouldn’t be an irritation.

Maybe you could practise mindfulness? 😉

(I am irritated just thinking about it!)

My mum is often up to 40 mins late when we arrange things so if we need to be somewhere at 5, I'll tell her it's 4:30 and she'll arrive for 5! It has enraged me my entire life so I'm always early for everything.

Time blindness. It is a thing. I am your friend. I'm always late, I can't even explain why, it's a character trait I hate in myself. To be on time take a ridiculous amount of concentration from me. If I have an appointment at 2pm my whole morning leading up to it I'm constantly clock checking and worrying and will be very early as I just can't get timings right. So a 2pm appointment wipes out my whole morning for doing anything else.

Maybe time-blindness ‘is a thing’ but you don’t have to accommodate out. Let the c ‘time-blind’ people just meet up with eaxh other

So, if you know you have 'time blindness' do you make arrangements with friends? and if you do do you tell them you will probably be late?

My best friend has OCD. She is always late when we meet up by 10-15mins. She never apologises for it any more.

I've started turning up 15 mins late too, as the 2 conversations we've had about it have made no difference to her time keeping. I used to let it annoy me, but I've now changed my behaviour, as that's the bit I can control.

I understand the OCD is a mental health issue and I love her. I try to understand why she's able to be 10mins early for the regular appts she has at the hospital or with friends she knows less well. It's like she is able to complete her OCD routines leisurely when she's seeing someone she feels safe with after, rather than rush them through.

I didn’t mention ADHD at all, but if some people find that it impacts their time keeping (it affects everyone differently after all), then it could be said that it’s rude to say that they’re rude. You’re free to not be friends with them though.

I can do a lot of things if I absolutely have to, but I prefer a more laid back approach to my personal life with friends. Treating meeting up with each other as we would a job interview or hospital appointment, wouldn’t be for us. Thankfully my friends are laid back, so it’s not an issue for any of us if anyone is 10 minutes late, and we don’t think it’s rude. Someone that is uptight about timekeeping wouldn’t be suited to our friendship group.

It takes me about twice the energy of a non-ND person to be organised. So no, I can’t be on time 100% of the time. Luckily my friends aren’t twats.

How long do your friends wait for you to turn up? Are they happy to sit there waiting for an hour?

I would keep turning up 15-20 minutes late @TaraMoon Show her that her time is no more important than yours.

@DontBeAMeany I'm lucky my friends know and understand. They know I don't do it to piss them off. They've all seen me get ready to leave the house and don't understand how I'm always late even when they've watched me get ready (on holidays and weekend breaks for example) they know I'm likely to be ten to fifteen minutes late. On the rare occasion I'm on time they're not ready because they will always add 10 minutes to whatever time I've arranged.

As a pp has said, it's a big indicator of adhd. I've not been tested but several friends and my DH are convinced I likely have it. One of the things that impacts time blindness is 'side quests' and just absolutely forgetting what you were doing prior to the side quest and then remembering and so already running late. Your brain is in constant overdrive.

MN is so all over supporting SEN yet seems to have very little tolerance for what is a massive indicator of a SEN condition. I can guarantee that most people who have time blindness hate themselves for it. Most of us have missed really important appointments because of it.
I was over half an hour late for my own wedding, I didn't even know I had arrived late until the next day when people told me!

I’d just turn up ten minutes later too so you’d arrive at the same time!

just don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to make me stand somewhere for 10 mins.

I would not wait more than a minute or two unless I'd been messaged. Just don't wait, why would you.

There's going to be a whole variety of possible reasons behind it

There is really only ever one reason, that's not setting off with sufficient time in hand.

Granted stuff happens but there can be no excuse in my book for not messaging

I was particularly annoyed to discover that DH's real reason for being consistently late was simply that he hates hanging around f waiting do prefers to get there last. T*at

If you have adhd or are late all the time for some other reason then you find strategies. Use alarms on your phone. I set alarms to remind me an hour or so ahead of time and then another for when I actually have to be out the door.
A not beyond the wit of a person to find a solution if they genuinely respected other people

@ggggggooooo I do use alarms all the time, but you can't do it for everything as you forget what alarm is for what.
I have a meeting every morning with bosses at work. Even though the meeting is the same time every morning, I still have to set an alarm to remind me 2 minutes before, another 2 minutes before and on at the actual time to remind me to login to the meeting, and there have still been occasions where I've managed to miss the start.

Alarms don't alter that I constantly forget stuff. Most people have habits. For example I take blood pressure tablets twice a day. Well I should, but I'll go days without taking any and when I do take it it's often just once a day. This is medication that could literally save my life, and despite have 2 alarms set that go off at the same time every single day, and I carry the medication in my handbag so it's always with me, if I'm not sat with a drink at the time the alarm goes off , I forget to take it. Because the moment I turn the alarm off, it goes out of my head and my mind moves to something else. Honestly it's exhausting. And I also have a very intensive job which despite all this I'm actually very good at!

I'm not trying to make excuses I'm just trying to help people understand that for people like me, my lateness is nothing to do with not valuing my friends time, I just really struggle to get my shit in order.

I really don’t think my friend has ADHD … unless she’s masking it?! As far as I know, she doesn’t struggle at work with organisational skills or timekeeping.
Anyway, this thread has been a real eye-opener… lots of different views.

Update: She was on time this afternoon! I think she might have got the message last time… but we’ll see!
Anyway, we had a lovely walk ☺️

Not so for me. I am one of those people who would rather be half an hour early then one minute late (when I was catching buses, now I'm using the car I can just be on time).
My friends are mostly pretty punctual, but one in particular is really really not. I've seen her get ready to leave for places, and I'm not surprised.
But she's fantastic and a brilliant friend, and I know what to expect so I just work round it.

Turn up at 4:10 too ? And then you're both there at the same time.