A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

The answer is no they don’t care. Men who casually fuck like variety and it’s just about bodies to them. Men only think deeper than that when they are genuinely into someone and if they are genuinely into someone, no way are they not going to lock that down. So that’s the answer to anyone wondering

@Redrose23, do you not care about your friends? Your latest post just proves you have no idea what you’re talking about and instead of coming on the thread to learn about something you haven’t experienced, you instead jump to judgement and blame. Perhaps you’re thinking of fuck buddies because I care a great deal about my FWB like I do about all my good friends. The angst you’re describing could be applied to any thread on this board because we’re all imperfect humans, navigating complicated relationships and that applies to all kinds of relationships, friendships, marriages and FWBs alike.

You’re a fool to think that the label of commitment protects you from being hurt or messed around by anyone you risk your heart on. Hang around here long enough and you’ll start to understand that. Assuming you have the empathy to understand that people live different lives to you and the humility to accept that you don’t have all the answers of course.

@Redrose23 this is not the the thread to be posting on. Why you came on here is beyond me.

just as a side note, I have quite a number of friends who started out this way and have ended up married, together, kids etc. one or the other just didn’t want to commit at the time but both ended up getting feelings and it worked out.

just because people are fwb doesn’t mean it continues that way. Some people are exclusive fwb. Every situation is different as is every person. so your whole they don’t care, get over it attitude isn’t correct in every circumstance.

Why don't you fuck off this thread of women supporting eachother? Bye.

This is a very timely post for me too as I think my fwb arrangement has fizzled out after 3 months. Like a lot of people on here, I too was very clear on what I wanted - I don't think I will ever marry again after coming out of a 20 year long cold dead-end marriage.

What stings for me is the lack of communication from the OP about ending things. Mine saw me 3-4 times a week and would call me like clockwork on his own accord without fail 3 times a day/night. Saturdays were locked in as a day when we would definitely meet but we have recently gone 3 Saturdays without meeting, with him saying he is 'working longer hours.' The phone calls have also tailed off. To me, this all indicates he is now investing the time and attention he was giving me into a new relationship.

I just wish he would have the decency to tell me and end it. Over the last few weeks he has asked me if I have been seeing/searching for someone else and I now feel this was him projecting his own thoughts/feelings on to me. I've done us both a favour and have ended it telling him he should have communicated with honesty rather than being ignorant. I guess he was thinking he could just keep me around for when his latest venture fell flat which I'm quite sure it will.

Why do grown adults think it's okay to flit in an out of someone's life without as much as an explanation or a goodbye? There has to be some kind of respect and care.

Sending hugs to everyone who is going through something similar and feels broken hearted or unloved/unworthy. Any relationship, no matter what the situation or length can be triggering. Your stories have given me strength and have helped me wade through the confusion. I know ultimately there is nothing we can do about it but it helps to talk about it and to know we are not alone.

@DiscoveryDiva Your situation sounds similar to mine albeit mine was 7 years but at the end I had to drag it out of him to get the truth. I think I was being kept on the side whilst he was looking fo a new relationship, I was always truthful about what I could give & he had always said that suited him, until it didnt but he couldn't tell me, cowardly he was in the end.
Well done for ending it, I know that can't have been easy, I really don't know why these men act like they do but with mine, I remind myself that it says a lot more about him than me.
I can say that a few months on, things are much better, I had to see him the other night & I was fine. You will be too. Vent away here if you need,

@Misshollys Thank you for your kind words. 7 years... That must have been tough. Cowardly is the word. Glad you're doing ok now. You're right, it says more about them than us. It takes a lot of energy to lie and be cruel. I'm determined to move forward without letting him live rent free in my head. I read or heard once 'The blessing is in the breaking' as in when a relationship breaks up you see things that were there in the beginning but turned a blind eye to. I'm well rid!

@DiscoveryDiva Well rid is right, Good riddance to bad rubbish 🤣

Nowhere did I say the label of commitment stops you from getting hurt or screwed over- but if someone has committed to you and then screws you over, they are accountable for the pain they have caused, as the relationship was entered in to under those terms. So I reiterate my point, the terms and conditions of friends with benefits is not a commitment and it’s what you signed up for. Someone using your body for sex and then disappearing when they find someone else to use, or that they want to commit to, is surely par for the course with that kind of set up? Therefore sure if you’re hurt about it it’s understandable, but they aren’t accountable to you, and you signed up for a rough deal, so the fallout was 99.9% expected. As for the person that said some people start off that way and then marry- that’s a fairytale and you shouldn’t enter into this situation with those thoughts, just be with someone who feels commitment for if that’s what you are looking for. Being a fuck buddy for 7 years wasn’t a 7 year relationship it was 7 years of being a convenience and a lot of smoke an mirrors where they no doubt shagged other people all along the way. With commitment even if you end up let down, the expectation is that you are in a committed relationship. In the friends with benefits situation, they don’t owe you any explanation if they disappear, as it is a situationship of convenience which takes a certain type of person to enter into anyway, so I’m not sure what any of you are expecting from these guys. A lot of men will take what they can get; and if that’s offered with no commitment, expect that to come alongside a total lack of respect for you.

Being a fuck buddy for 7 years wasn’t a 7 year relationship it was 7 years of being a convenience and a lot of smoke an mirrors where they no doubt shagged other people all along the way.

That's a very simplistic and naive view - there are plenty of conventional partners who act like that, there are no guarantees in any relationship. Even in marriage, people act selfishly, unfaithfully and dishonestly.

Plenty of MNers start threads describing how their husband treats them like a convenience. At least a FWB is unlikely to wash their skanky underwear or be subjected to them doing a disappearing act on a night out. How many threads are there where a DH / DP isn't home until the next day, messes up the weekend, lets their children down, ends up paying for a private dance out of the family budget, etc

With commitment even if you end up let down, the expectation is that you are in a committed relationship.

This makes no sense - if the expectation is commitment and that commitment is violated then surely the disappointment, betrayal and disillusionment will be far greater? The "commitment" means absolutely bugger-all to many many people, it's just a word. Actions and intentions are the only things that make a commitment meaningful and real, not the word. Promises can be broken, and are, very very easily.

@daisychain01 Thank you for that, you've explained it better than I could.

@Redrose23 This is a support thread for those of us that have had similar experiences, we know that we've been treated unfairly & I know I was silly & stupid in my case but we don't need you making us feel any worse about it all & reminding us of that. As before the logical mind is different to the emotional side & unless you've experienced those emotions, the emotions that you really don't want anymore but keep getting the better of you until the logical mind & in my case my common sense kicks in, then please stop making up feel crap. We've all felt bad enough without coming onto our support thread like I did the other night to be made feel stupid & more hurt.
There's a way to unfollow the topic & take off your watch list, then you won't need to be frustrated at notifications about the post.

Some of you are missing my point. To the lady who pretty much stated that commitment means nothing as people get cheated on anyway and at least you’re not washing the skanky underwear- it’s true to some extent that some people are cheats and liars- but- they have faked their way into a relationship or the continuation of a relationship- that their partner would not have consented to under those terms- so therefore the cheat is accountable, and the feelings of their partner getting cheated on are because they have been blindsided and didn’t agree to those terms. I have heard similar arguments from Muslims that I engage with in my charity work- that every man cheats so four wives is the solution. I strongly disagree, and a woman who enters that arrangement, will experience pain if she has any real feelings for her spouse. To agree to those terms when really deep down craving that person to give a shit about you- and not just see you as a body/convenience, means being true to yourself and never ever entering into anything under those terms again. I would never want to hurt your feelings to the lady that said they feel shit, actually my harshness comes from my heart really hurting for you and wanting you to raise the bar in the future. Of course we can never guarantee we won’t be hurt, but we can certainly avoid a situation where the terms strongly indicate that we will most definitely be hurt. I was with a guy that pretended to be deeply monogamous and true, but was a scheming liar who deeply craved female attention. Ultimately I consented to give myself within full commitment and nothing less, and when I discovered who he really was I was gone. Therefore there are always risks in love, but to those struggling, please take nothing less in the future than the terms and conditions your mind and heart need, as you are worth that, and have a lot to give to the right person, who will not treat you like a commodity- although there’s always a chance you will meet a lying scheming airy fairy commitment phobe, desperate for attention from multiple females- at least don’t enter into something where you know for a fact that’s what you’re dealing with.

Please accept my apologies for hurting anyone’s feelings. Some of you are just fine with this set up, so my advice for future relationships and bar raising are not for you, they are for those who are deeply struggling inside.

@Redrose23 Thank you,

I really appreciate this thread

Hey sorry I've not been on for a while had some family stuff going on.

@Vvmumofone you will get through this but give yourself time and kindness

You say you need time but how will you feel if this turns into a "sliding doors" moment ?

@Misshollys can you not unfriend/block on fb? Sorry you're finding weekends hard, hoping you're progressing on recovery well.

I never message first - but more on that later.

@NeedToAskPlease when a friend betrays the friendship - whatever the nature of that friendship - that is gonna hurt, doesn't mean the friendship didn't have value

You absolutely have the right to choose the relationship model that works for you

Sorry you received that horrible message I hope reported and dealt with

You seem to be getting a handle on what it is you want

@Clytemnestra21 no, he messages and I reply I cannot resist 

@SingleSock I don't think people do it cos it's "cool" but when the idea was first hitting the mainstream a lot of people - myself inc - were like "finally! Something that meets my needs and is easily described/defined

@DiscoveryDiva I wish you well in achieving recovery from your situation

@Redrose23 I find your posts judgemental, unkind and slightly misogynistic

Why are you even posting here when you aren't a fwb, far as I can tell have never been and are...morally? Ideologically? Opposed to the whole idea?

People have lots of different reasons for choosing a friends with benefits arrangement.

Stating an opinion is not telling a truth - bluntly or otherwise - it's rude and unkind.

And who's saying we aren't using them for sex?? Nothing wrong with women owning and celebrating their sexuality

This idealised notion you have around commitment is odd. My ex cheated we were married made sod all difference to whether he cheated or not. I was FAR more hurt by that than I've ever been hurt by a fwb

We're not missing your point, we are disagreeing with it. If you can't hack that you're probably best off not commenting.

Polyamorous relationships are more common than people realise but keep discreet

@Clytemnestra21 thank you for saying that I'm glad it's been of use

Mine has kept messaging and is now saying he wants to tentatively start things up again. I'm happy to do so, I'm pretty confident I know where j stand with him now and can move forward with relatively few issues.

Thoughts from other fwb survivors

@Clytemnestra21 thank you for saying that I'm glad it's been of use

Mine has kept messaging and is now saying he wants to tentatively start things up again. I'm happy to do so, I'm pretty confident I know where j stand with him now and can move forward with relatively few issues.

Thoughts from other fwb survivors

@FWBSurvivor thanks :) when you say sliding doors moment, what do you mean?
he told me I should have a break from men for a year lol. If that’s not pushing me away, I don’t know what is. But he still makes the effort to talk to me, like Friday rings me on teams and says I hope you have a lovely holiday (I’m going away this week). I’ve just got into my head, he only wants friends now and that’s it.

@FWBSurvivor Hope all is ok there, good to see you in here again, thank you for that, I have sorted the FB issue, it was better for me in long run to remove him. Things are definitely easier, sometimes I need give my head a good wobble, but on the whole things are good.
Re starting it up again, how are you feeling about it? I remember you saying that he wanted things from the relationship that you couldn't give, do you think that will become a problem again?

This is where my headspace is also. I haven't heard from him since Wednesday (until this morning)... and although l am miffed by it, it's not bothering me like it used too.

I think l will be using this sitiationship to suit me. So l want kisses, cuddles etc and that's what l get. I crave the physical touch more so than sex.

When l was at his last Sunday though, he was saying stuff like how much l turn him on and how gorgeous l am. Again... this gives me a boost.

He hasn't sent any dates through of when he's next free, despite saying he will... and that does piss me off because l like to have stuff planned and l know if l was his longterm partner he would have the next meeting planned. And then l remind myself that we are only FWB and neither of us owe each other anything.

I'm sure l will end up getting hurt again... but I'll just pull back again for a while.

Yea I do like the sex! 

But I like the touch too, and the company (we have a very similar sense of humour for starters)

I'm taking as it goes for now. Not spooking him hopefully, just keeping things light. He's not my one and only anyway (possibly part of the problem as far as he's concerned among other things)

@Misshollys I can pm you re he wants certain things I cannot provide if you'd like? Might clear up some things.

This guy is my one and only which is the problem. As l know if l had others his effect on me would be "diluted".

I realised over the weekend that actually it's not his fault l am bored and have free time ... and l subconsciously look at my free time as when l could see him..... forgetting that actually he might not be free... so I'm trying to fill that time by going for long walks. Otherwise I'd be sat at home constantly checking my phone to see if he'd messaged and getting more and more pissed off when he doesn't

Yea another one is pissing me off on the messaging/attention side too. I don't mind him chasing another potential friend, which he tends to do when I am adding to my circle (think there's a little jealousy there on his part) I hate him lying to me about it! There's no need!

And this one is all push me pull me...

All those little bruised egos, and we're supposed to be the over sensitive ones!

So haven’t spoke to my ex fwb for about 10 weeks…..have actually missed the company and the way we just were so easy around each other. He looked at my profile recently and it had me curious, I’ve messaged him….not expecting anything but would love to have sex with him again hahahahah no expectations though