A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

@Rooroobear profile on what? How do you know he looked?

It’s a hook up site and it shows who looked at your profile

I'm interested to know if anyone can see themselves in a long term relationship again and where everyone is in their lives - for example, I've come out of a 20 year marriage, he was the only partner I've ever had and now I can honestly say I don't think I would ever marry again. I've got used to having my own space and I feel life is just too busy juggling kids, work, friends... which is why such an arrangement suits me.

How is everyone?

@DiscoveryDiva I'm very similar - a few years out of very long marriage. Crazy busy with work, parenting, life admin. Also having been a bit isolated in my marriage I'm very focussed on keeping contact with friends. So I don't feel ready/open for a full on relationship - I wouldn't be interested in blending families and friends or finances for example.

I definitely wouldn't get married again- I've been too badly burned in my divorce.

So I'm in this FwB type relationship. It's meeting some of my needs but it's scaring me how attached I feel to him. I'm not sure I can keep it as casual as the arrangement requires.

@Clytemnestra21 Hi, you're in a very similar situation to me and of a similar mind. I would never want to blend families or finances again either. Once bitten! Dating has changed so much since I was last single and it's taken me a while to accept that these kinds of relationships are increasingly becoming the norm due to the busy lives we lead. If someone had told me 20 years ago that I would have a fwb I would have scoffed at them yet here we are.

I can empathise fully about the fear of attachment. I was getting attached to my fwb in the beginning and definitely experienced anxiety when I hadn't heard from him in a few days. It's very easy to blur lines. Men are good at compartmentalising but us women not so much. I think we are biologically wired to bond and attach in a very different way to them. My fwb popped up again earlier this week but has gone off the radar since. I feel like I'm constantly in conflict - I would love some kind of emotional attachment but know I definitely don't want a committed relationship. It's tough getting your head round it.

What site are you using please? I need to broaden my horizons I think

Not right now. I'm post 20yr marriage too.

I like my life too much as it currently is.

It’s fabswingers…..I’m not a swinger in the least but it’s a really good way to meet single men looking for the same things….be prepared though. Have thick skin and don’t get too offended. Some of the men on there are disgusting. Set your stall out on your profile with what you want and like and are looking for. I’ve met some really sound men x

Was married over 15yrs, with XH for over 20yrs. Our marriage was dead for at least the last 8yrs of it.

It's only now - 7yrs post divorce that I'm even considering properly dating but I'm still very hesitant.... which is why l "allowed" my FWB to happen as l knew due to him being polyamorous and having a long term partner... meant it wouldn't get serious between us and l wouldn't have any pressure put on me to commit further.

I'd like to meet someone who l do love but equally l don't want to give up my independence of my own place, finances etc.

Thank you. I've been on fab before. I didn't meet anyone from there as I found them far too full on. Might be worth another go 😉

I have had to wade through a lot of shit to find some nice guys. They are there but it takes a lot to find them. Just don’t out up with shit and remember the block button is your friend x

Hello fellow survivors. Quick question. How did you know when to end it with your FwB? I'm catching feelings for mine and I've put the feelers out but it isn't reciprocal. I need to bite the bullet don't I?

@Clytemnestra21 It's a difficult one. I think as women we do catch feels. I definitely did but I think eventually my head caught up with my heart (3 months in) and I asked myself 'Would you actually want something long term with this person?' The answer is a resounding no. I don't think he is the type to commit. He would probably be off looking for his next fwb in no time if he doesn't already have one!

You need to have a good think - do you want to keep him as a fwb and keep the benefits for as long as you can without any responsibility or commitment or do you want to end things and look for something more long term?
I feel it is particularly difficult at this time of the year when it would be nice to have someone around more regularly to go away with, enjoy the nice weather etc. With a fwb you just take what you can and most of the time it isn't enough.

So to answer your question, I wouldn't bite the bullet just yet. Let your feelings settle a bit.

Excellent reply by @DiscoveryDiva . When l was getting upset over mine sleeping with a new FWB, a friend said to me "oh ...you have really fallen for him" l looked at her and suddenly had a realisation moment and replied "but l haven't".

She then asked what my problem was as FWB was only continuing in his lifestyle of polyamory/fwb... and I'd started up with him for exactly that reason..... that l knew it would never get intense with us.

I have had a few occasions with him now where my logical brain needs to "take over" my emotional one again. The most recent was in February and l ended it for a few weeks before starting up again.

I'm under no illusion that l will catch the feels again and will need to step back again for a bit... but l also know that as much as l do have a lot of affection and care for him.... polyamory is not for me... there are aspects of him that annoy me too much... and he is not what I'd want as my longterm partner.

But I'm enjoying him currently again

@DiscoveryDiva thank you for your response. Yea you're right, it's hard to let go of. I'm 6 months in though and been feeling like this since 3 months in so need to have a word with myself. It's hard though. Genuinely conflicted as in enjoying it a lot
@NeedToAskPlease agree Diva's answer is so thoughtful. I can see why choosing a polyamorous FWB might be a great protection against getting too serious

I'm currently trying not to let my emotional head over take again.

Haven't heard from him in a few days... which really pisses me off... but my logical head says... you're not in a relationship with him and you don't mean anything to him, so he doesn't have to message you.

He is going away for the week with his partner so l know l won't hear from him at all now until he's back.

I find the lack of contact really hard. I have told him how it makes me feel but nothing changes but my logical head then tells me that being in regular contact will make me catch the feels again.... so distance is probably better.

Hi @NeedToAskPlease Mine popped up after 12 days like no time has passed at all. Men are strange like that. Women need emotional connection and communication to be able to connect physically but men don't. Mine is useless. I've got to the point where I don't care whether he contacts me or not. He's unreliable. I want zero responsibility and commitment to him and will see him when I see him. I went through a lot of soul searching in terms of what I want from a relationship. I catch feels easily but I've learnt to step back and see him for what he is... Someone who only cares about no.1.
My best advice when he goes off radar like that would be to keep busy. Match his energy. Let him do the running. If he gets too distant and you feel you're not getting much out of the deal - cut the cord. It's meant to be a transactional relationship. Your priority is you and always should be. When he comes back like nothing has happened, have a talk about terms. If he's not willing to meet yours, move on.

Keeping busy definitely helps. The thing is, it's not his fault l have spare time... and l know l have previously planned in my own head that l could see him at those times.... and it not even cross my mind that he has other plans! Ridiculous l know!

I know l do want a proper relationship with someone - someone who puts me first (like he does his partner), who l can spend a few days with, meet their friends etc.... but equally keep my independence and hobbies.

I also know deep down that l don't want to meet FWB friends or socialise with them... as that would feel too "relationshipy/coupley"... and we are neither of them... plus he socialises with them and his partner so I'd feel l was being compared to her.

My head gets so muddled with what l actually want!

I would be happy if he messaged frequently and we met up couple of times a month.

I just want to be wanted by someone again, and when we kiss and cuddle and he gives me compliments... l feel that for a brief time.

@NeedToAskPlease hope you're ok. Thanks for being so honest.

The bit you said about wanting someone to put you first is something I really identify with. I know I want a partner too. Not massive commitment. Definitely not marriage, finances, blending etc but more than what I have with the FWB.

I see him at least every other weekend, sometimes more frequently and he does keep
In touch in between - texts me but not as frequently or as much (short texts not long conversations) as I'd like. And we haven't met anyone in each other's lives. I've never even been to his house.

He does enough that in my busy life he feels like a partner/boyfriend. But deep down I know he isn't and it's starting to gnaw at me.

Maybe we needed this much to realise we want more?

Yep me here and Jesus can’t go over him at all. Amazing sex to start. We still talk and have seen each other (no sex) just not as regularly now. I did a post on here about it tbh as we talked everyday pretty much and then silence for 2 weeks. Then popped back up to tell me not only is he back with his ex she has also moved back in! So he was juggling seeing me and her for a while which made sense with some stuff that happened. But both say we miss each other, told me that it wasn’t just sex for him and it was “so much more than that” and that he finds me a comfort and that he can tell me stuff he hasn’t told his gf etc. we have had quiet a few deep conversations and genuinely was so at peace when we used to cuddle up on the sofa

I was very happy and contented before l met him.... but now I've realised that actually l would like someone again..... and l do want more than what l get from him... but equally l don't want too much with someone i.e with them wanting marriage, living together etc.

I would definitely like to see him or a new man... every couple of weeks but have contact in between. I'd like someone to "chase" me for a change rather then me being the one to contact FWB first all the time and asking when we're going to meet up next. I want someone to kiss and cuddle me.

I realise now how much l miss having the physical side of a relationship.... not the sex necessarily...but the kissing and cuddling. I crave to be held by someone who actually feels affection for me.... as l know FWB has no feelings for me at all.

Hi fellow survivors. My FWB ended it. It's probably for the best but I feel sad. And lonely. And I'm gutted as the sex was good.
It gets better doesn't it?

@Clytemnestra21 Sorry to hear that. I ended mine on Saturday after much tooing and froing. Yes it hurts. I don't have the energy to look for another one. Sending hugs.

Thanks @DiscoveryDiva - hugs to you too! Hope you're ok.
I'm a bit better today. Trying to resist the urge to contact him. It's the right thing, was never going to be anything more than casual, he isn't available, I'm not surprised, but it still hurts. It's weird to be so intimate with someone and then less than a day later feel like you can't contact them anymore.