A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

The thread title says tongue in cheek?

It’s a figure of speech and the way the spoken word is used, very much in a similar tone to when hungry people say they are starving.

Sorry I've been awol got struck down by lurgy at the weekend unfortunately.

The best way to cope with a friends with benefits situation is to forget the friends part.

Every relationship ends sadly for at least one party and I include friendships in that too, I've lost friends in life and frankly that often makes me more sad than the "romantic" losses.

I could not be intimate with someone who I don't at - at the very, very least - want to have a coffee, a chat and a laugh with.

Are you contradicting yourself there? I'm not sure. Certainly this is true for me too.

Copperkryten it mostly works for me, yea a little ego bruised at times but I enjoy the way it works.

Misshollys you're not being silly but it may be a good idea to unfriend or at least snooze him for a while?

Eventually your logical head will become the stronger one.... it's just tough getting to that point.

Yep, think I'm almost at that stage with mine.

Blondiebeachbabe I'm wondering how old you are? That attitude seems very old fashioned and certainly not how I feel at all! Inc sex is only beneficial to the man?! No! I enjoy sex I have a high sex drive and I like all kinds so I benefit that way, I benefit by not having to deal with the stuff that's annoying about men esp when you live with them, I benefit by being able to manage the arrangement on my terms.

never be monogamous and don’t let the arrangement last for too long.

That I agree with.

I'm going to need to talk to him, aren't I? If he's caught feelings, then it confuses things a lot.

See - not just women catch feelings.

Except this is exactly the sort of set up that suits me. I want sex, I don't want a relationship. I don't want to date or live with anybody. Never again.

Same!

On bus more later

Yep, think I'm almost at that stage with mine.

Or so I thought...

And then he messages me. I'm not sure how or whether to reply what do you guys think?

Does it warrant a reply?

Mine has messaged too... although l did message him first.

I have no willpower

Well he's asking nice questions

Willpower is tough. I caved I answered. He's acting like it's "business as usual"

But nothing sexual

Do you think that you want to get back into messaging him? Will that lead to maybe seeing him again?
You said previously that he ended it as he wanted more from the relationship which you could not provide. Can you message without it leading into more?
I'd say just be careful how far the messaging goes. You've come so far getting over him.
It's very easy to get drawn back in, speaking from experience here unfortunately.

Thank you @Misshollys believe me I am thinking the same as you! It's been weeks I thought he was just saying "let's be friends" to avoid a confrontation!

Maybe don't rush to reply. Leave it a couple of days and then respond. Just so you're not as "available" to him.

I'm trying to follow my own advice...🙄

@FWBSurvivor how did it go? Did you reply to him?

I saw my guy earlier this week and had all sorts of intense feelings afterwards but I now haven't heard from him for a couple of days and I'm feeling a bit rotten. Not sure I'm cut out for this.

A couple of days?! I'm doing well if I wait a couple of hours

I replied, chit chat for a bit he's been quiet since which I find I'm not too bothered by. I wasn't expecting to hear from him at all!

Why do you guys think he got back in touch ?

To be honest, god knows why he got back in touch 🤔 I've given up trying to understand why guys act like they do.
Has he been in touch again? Maybe he's realised he's missing you more than he'd anticipated. Maybe he just wanted to check in with you. I get messages like that but I just answer short and sweet.
I feel I'm finally getting some of those logical moments in between the emotional ones. 😊

So glad I found this post because I’m struggling

I started something with a guy at work who I now think loved bombed me to be honest. He pursued me whilst I was still in a relationship which was on the rocks. I left that relationship and then started a fwb with him as didn’t want to jump head first into something else. He used to text/call me daily, say he couldn’t wait to spend more time with me, how much he liked me etc.
I did tell him after the first time I didn’t want to be with him only have fun but I kind of meant for now until I’d sorted my head out as I was getting feelings. He went quiet on me for a week then said he’d needed to process his emotions. Next time, he randomly said he wouldn’t date anyone at work and I said well guess we’ll keep it to Fwb then to which he was like hang on you said you only wanted to have fun. So I said for now and he was like so you’re ok with fun yea. Then kept saying you’re not going to fall in love with me are you, be weird at work, want me to text everyday (even though he had been previously).
I decided it best not to continue as I would get hurt. Was ok over weekend as was occupied, even felt ok this morning. Then I saw him and it was so hard, he said hello and was normal. I went home as felt sick (not because of him, think I was coming down with something). Texts to ask if I’m ok and I’ve ignored it.

has anyone else been through this at work. How the hell do you get over it when they are in your face all the time!

@Vvmumofone sorry you're going through this. Sounds stressful when you work together. I don't have any advice but hope you're ok and feel better soon.

@FWBSurvivor sounds like he misses you

@Clytemnestra21 thanks for the message. Thankfully he’s going on holiday tomorrow and then will be away for work so I think the breathing space will do me good.

Maybe he missed me, maybe he needed an ego stroke, he had some news which I think he didn't feel would get the right response from others so messaged me. Not heard from him since? But... he's done this a few times over the course of our knowing each other and I have wondered if he was testing/would like me to message him first. But then if I message him first am I prolonging the agony?

Someone at work is not something I would ever entertain on any level as if when it goes wrong you do have to see them every day. I've known couples get together at work and even if the relationship works out it makes the work situation weird.

@Vvmumofone all you can do I think is push through till you're on the side when seeing him no longer affects you negatively. I think he has mislead you a bit

@FWBSurvivor i think one he saw me as a challenge because I was with someone and 2 I may have been a rebound from a girl who he said broke his heart. I will get through this but it’s going to be hard.

@Vvmumofone It's definitely going to be difficult for you but you will get through it. I know it's hard to believe at the moment.That's good that he'll be on holiday, you need that time. Remind yourself you're strong & can get over him.
On a personal note, I've come off FB, was seeing too much that I really didn't need to see, photos up of them visiting places all loved up.
My emotional side was getting the better of me again.
@FWBSurvivor I think if you message first, then possibly you are prolonging the agony. He may see it as you chasing him & will give him that ego boost.
Misleading, now there's a word that I think we can all relate to. We've probably all been mislead by these men!

I don’t think he saw you as a challenge if you were down for Fwb. That doesn’t speak of someone who is a challenge. It may have put him off having anything more serious with you. A lot of men/women wouldn’t be up for investing long term with people who do the whole friends with benefits thing, as the whole separating emotion from sex/ having casual sex isn’t appealing to a lot of people. I don’t really see the issue to be honest in terms of why you are overthinking this guy at work, you laid out the terms and he’s treated you accordingly,

@Redrose23 because we never discussed this until I had broken with my ex and he used to text me a lot and tell how much he liked me, spend more time with me and it was more than sex. I was the one who said fwb because I’d just come out a relationship but when I tried to discuss this with him in the sense, it was just for now and we could see where it goes once things have settled down at home. He shut me down and also started acting differently towards me. I’m leaving it now as because we’d spent alot of time getting to know each other, had been out etc I’ve developed feelings and I don’t want to be hurt so will stop before I get into it any deeper.

Sure I understand that but I stand by what I have said. Not everyone wants a partner that would be down with friends when benefits, either with them or in the past, whether you think it’s fair or not, it speaks volumes about how someone thinks about sex and connection. My bet is he thought you both liked each other and it’s become complicated for him and made him question your value- again whether you think that is fair or unfair. Friends with benefits is essentially saying, I can’t be doing the emotional investment in you, and I’m not going to commit to you either but I’m up for shagging. If I liked a man and he said he wanted to be friends with benefits, it would be a no, and I could never seriously date him because someone I commit to wouldn’t be into casual sex. Whether you think it’s fair or not, many people consider someone like that easy to get, that they will give all of themselves when they aren’t even properly invested. If that’s the issue with him, You both need someone on the same wavelength as each other or you will be miserable.

@Redrose23 You sound a tiny bit judgemental.
"I don’t think he saw you as a challenge if you were down for Fwb. That doesn’t speak of someone who is a challenge." - all of us seek different things from different people at different stages in our lives. Just because someone "isn't a challenge" in one situation doesn't mean anything abouttheir worth or how they might be with a different person in a different situation or relationship.

Also, "A lot of men/women wouldn’t be up for investing long term with people who do the whole friends with benefits thing, as the whole separating emotion from sex/having casual sex isn’t appealing to a lot of people" - this thread would seem to demonstrate that a number of people do engage in FWB relationships and it can take different forms. And again, just because someone has a FWB relationship with one person does not mean that the separation of sex/emotion is a permanent and irreversible rift.

@Vvmumofone it sounds as though some PP have ignored the suspected love bombing too. I did not read your story as you falling for some bloke at work who then went cold on you when you suggested FWB. If you felt there was lovebombing and he was very full on perhaps his loss of interest was because you laid out your terms rather than going all head over heels over him.

I don't know either of you and this is just my reading of the posts, and I think that it is just an indication that all of us need to be upfront with ourselves about what we want, and upfront with others about what we would like and expect from them. Easier said than done, but it is certainly what I am trying to do.

I spoke bluntly-but truthfully. Different people look for different things, and place different values on how people think. When it comes to sex, and being taken seriously, many aren’t down for someone who takes those things causally, and wouldn’t consider investing seriously in that person. It’s not judgemental, it’s a fact of life. People are better off with others who have the same values and ways of looking at intimacy/ sex/ commitment.