A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

@OfcourseitsaNCyou're right I should block, but I’m still hoping. I know that’s stupid

I’ve read this thread with interest. I’m sorry so many of you have been poorly treated. I think fwb is a terrible idea for 99% of women, and I think it’s best to assume that you’re in the 99% majority, rather than the 1% vanishingly small ‘cool girl’ majority.
I’m not a prude at all, but I think that as a pp said - who benefits? Men. They are able to seperate sex and emotion more than we can.

I also think, and not trying to be mean, that the whole ‘men who do fwb are emotionally stunted’ belief is a bit of a red herring.
I think they’re just not that into you. They fancy you enough to sleep with you, but let’s face it, for most men that’s a relatively low bar.
when you say they get angry/distant when you show emotion, it’s not because they don’t understand your emotion. It’s that they’re not interested in it and that’s not what they signed up for, and you being emotional has just burst their delusional bubble that you were on the same page.

@Austenpirate123 I agree with some of what you say.

mine told me about 6 months ago he wanted more. However I won’t go there as we both have young kids and he’s definitely emotionally stunted. I don’t think he’s relationship material. But because I’m sleeping with him I have feelings for him too.

@Clytemnestra21 of course you’re not being stupid. We’ve all been there. Can I ask what it is that you’re hoping for? That he’ll want to restart as before? Or want a relationship?

I wasn’t saying all men who do FwB are emotionally stunted. But in my case, and the people I was directly responding to, we’ve been talking long enough to know there have been situations where they don’t respond like a friend would or behave in a manner that really no older, adult should either. Hence my comment.

Completely disagree

You have to be emotionally stunted for living in the delusional bubble believing that you're allowed to share all your emotions with the female when you're upset, sad, angry, frustrated etc and withdraw when the female does it back to you.

Very immature behaviour.

@moresunlessrain
I’m hoping for some consideration (and regret) on his part. I don’t want a relationship in the full sense. I’ll never blend families/finances/social lives with a man again after what I’ve been through. But I need kindness and consideration and the sort of reciprocity @OfcourseitsaNC described being frustratingly lacking in her former FwB too.
On previous occasions he’s shown himself to be considerate of me emotionally but he’s inconsistent and he let me down when I explicitly told him I wanted emotional connection with him. He would probably say I’m inconsistent too. But the FwB status makes everyone wary and guarded.
Don’t think I’ll hear from him though. .

Hello, could I join please? Currently going through trying to not contact my fwb (long story if anyone wants to hear!) x

You're most welcome @Alicia2233

We're happy to hear the long story if you're wanting to share?

We've found a lot of our friends IRL have very little understanding of the forms FWB can take. TBF, I had no understanding either during my very long marriage.

It's good to chat here in a safe space.

Welcome @Alicia2233 please do share your story if it will help.

how are you getting on @Clytemnestra21?

My advice is fwb has loads of other women they get bored of one they ghost they switch to another wego back and the cycle continues

Hi @Moresunlessrain I’m not great. He reeled me back in. Same old cycle

Oh no! How did he explain going awol?

You mean he went ghost cause he probably has a family or made up with baby mama and then they played happy familyz and now his back to you cause they fell out when are we ever going to learn

He was really upset that I’d ended it so suddenly. He said it felt like my reaction was really extreme, and like I was looking for all the shortcomings instead of appreciating what we had. He seemed quite sincere and genuinely upset and it was nice to see each other but already it’s clear nothing has changed.

@Clytemnestra21 I think he was disoriented because he was used to calling the shots re: the level of emotional intimacy and support that you shared. He knew that you wanted more, yet that he was able to keep you at arms length, and you would tolerate it. You stood up and cut contact/blocked him. Of course he didn’t like it, so he’s come back to test the boundaries; to see if he could put you back in your place. And he has; all is well in his world again.

@Chatonette that’s a depressing summary but I suspect you’re pretty accurate.

it’s hard to break the cycle when you really like and want someone though. This is more challenging than I could have expected

In my experience there are only 2 ways to break it. Block him. Or he decides he is no longer interested. I honestly don’t think there’s a third way. Sadly

Thankyou! It’s a long story x That is me had to change my name

thanks @Moresunlessrain I don’t know if I can block him. I genuinely feel conflicted between really enjoying the time we spend together and liking him a lot and yet finding it hard to cope with the distance in between times and feeling rattled by the secrecy/unavailability. I think maybe the solution is to meet someone else.

So, I’ve been seeing a fwb guy since the start of February this year (I’m 43 he’s 39). He said from the start that he thought he liked me more than a fwb (before we met) but that if we did get together he wanted an open relationship (I know). So we met up got on really well, clicked sex was great, kept on meeting. Then about a month in he said he was done, said something I had done was weird (I only asked him if he was ok) and off he went, although he said oh chat soon 🙄 but not as fwb. Then asked me to send a naughty video 😔

Fast forward 3 weeks out of nowhere he texts me saying who’s this sorry your number came up and apologised for disappearing. Said I could come round to his anytime for some naughtiness . So by this point I really should be running for the hills. But we start it up again. One night I had a long training day at work so booked a nearby hotel for myself. He said he was keen and then we had the whole will it ever be more than friends with benefits - I asked the question.

He then said he’d slept with another girl apologised then said “he couldn’t be assed to see her again as she wanted a relationship. In his words he didn’t. Told me that again in regard to us and then said he wasn’t really keen on dating either (at least he was honest). I asked if he was keen on meeting up more to see if there was anything there - his reply yes keen on that, then said he thought there would be something there as we get on well and have good sex.

The next thing I know he’s telling me to go out and meet a guy that night as he slept with another girl! (Oh my god) then all of a sudden backtracks and tells me he hopes I don’t as he obviously wants to sleep with me again and then I might not want to if I met a guy! By this point I’m completely confused.

So we meet up weekly for the past 6 weeks for fun, he always seems keen, then off he goes again saying he thinks he’s done (3rd time now) as he has so much to sort out in his life. Stupidly I text him 2 weeks later just to say hope he is good, next thing I know he’s ringing non stop asking if I’m busy - when I say why his answer sex. Then proceeds to say now or never now or nothing not another night. So yes we met up at a hotel, I dropped him off the next day text him and then he went back to just reading but not replying to my texts which is normal for him.

So I left it a week text him to say does he want to do another night at a hotel in a few weeks (said I didn’t mind paying) his reply he can’t he’s really busy with work (even though he won’t know his shifts 1-2 months in advance) and said sorry.

Now he’s gone from that to not even reading my texts, which he hasn’t done before so I’ve left it now and text him that I will leave him alone.

I know it sounds ridiculous but he is still very much on my mind. Why is it so hard to forget about them arrrrrgh!

Yes meeting someone else is the solution@Clytemnestra21. Honestly you deserve so much more than this. He could be on to a really good thing with you and he’s fucking it up. Makes no sense.

God knows why we’re struggling to forget absolute idiots @ThatRubyLion, but here we all are. Others are good with pearls of wisdom, one of them will be along soon 🤣

Thankyou! I’m glad it’s not just me that has been through it, I really don’t understand this guy at all. Not to mention on the way to the hotel he was calling me his girlfriend and saying we were together,

i just found it impossible to meet/be interested in someone else when I was still being messed about by ex FWB. It had to end before I could.

Are you looking to meet others?