A thread for fwb survivors (perhaps a little tongue in cheek)

[FWBSurvivor]

This is a thread for people who've had fwb where it hasn't ended in an ideal way? Which is kinda where I am at the moment.

Usually fwb suits me fine and when things come to a natural end I walk away it takes a little time to mend a bruised ego of course if they've been the one to end it. This situation is a little different.

Maybe I let it go on too long (nearly a year, I usually limit to around 6 months) and I did really like him. There were/are good reasons why it could never have become a serious/permanent relationship and I knew that from the start as did he and it didn't seem as if it would be a problem.

But then time goes on and I did come to like him quite a lot. He's chosen to end things as there are things he wants from a relationship which I simply cannot provide unfortunately. Nobody's fault just... life.

But I am feeling a little bruised as a result of things ending and not sure how long this will last or the best way to move forward.

So I thought a thread to chat with others who've been in a similar boat may help. You never know.

@chatelai I can imagine that’s really disappointing, I hope you get to acceptance soon and end up with something better

How’s everyone’s bank holiday?

A bit of a let down so far! How about yours? How are you doing?

Resolutely on my own, doing stuff round the house and regretting dallying with FwB2 again.

@OfcourseitsaNC absolutely nailed it months ago when she said they’re all dicks.

Pretty good thanks!
Met up with him for first date as just friends and it went well a lot of laughter and he explained some of his thinking. Never say never, but I'm not going to play 'pick me'!
I then went and did a hobby that I've not given much time to lately, which used to be my entire life and was welcomed back almost with tears (really, one guy had been told I was dead!), also hung out with some new friends.

Life goes on. Wonder what's next?

Do keep on keeping on; the lesson I'm learning is be your own best friend and maybe buy a vibrator.

Do keep on keeping on; the lesson I'm learning is be your own best friend and maybe definitely buy a vibrator.

Fixed it for you @chatelai They're so much fun!

They are. Did you have fun in your dallyance though? Was that bit worth it at least?

I ended up getting cross with (not so) new man this weekend for the first time. I was completely at fault and was furious with him over nothing much. I was drunk and unreasonable.

Instead of him having "a chat" this morning with me, and telling me he needs to reconsider seeing me, as xFWB did when I showed any tiny bit of emotion, when I apologised profusely he said "Don't worry. You were pissed. Today's a new day. It's forgotten"

Which meant I then proceeded to tell him why such a small thing had made me fly off the handle. And he hugged me. And he understood. He made me feel safe in a way xFwB never did in 4 years.

All the FwB men I've experienced are emotionally stunted. Intimacy without emotion isn't intimacy in my book.

@OfcourseitsaNC oh the dalliance is great. But I’m out after this latest effort.

So have spent the entire weekend at home. I got a home delivery order and gardened. Didn’t go out, didn’t even do my usual desperate look for anyone else going out. Still trying really hard to find that acceptance of how my life is and I am slowly getting there.

If you're done dallyancing, you're done. 💪🏻

Sounds like a chilled weekend. If you're desperate to go out, there's nothing wrong in that. I love going out. Just don't let it define you.

Too busy letting being the sad single failure define me 🤣

As long as you're clear in your head as to what's going on then 🤣

Life has peaks and troughs. You're in a trough for you right now. That won't always be the case. You're choosing to climb out of it. Make sure you diarise coming back to this thread in a year so you can see how far you've come. 💪🏻

Hey 👋
loving hearing from @OfcourseitsaNCabout new man’s emotional capacity - you deserve nothing less and glad to hear that’s in your life after FwB.
@mummypigoinkgardening sounds like a great pastime, maybe I’ll do something similar. I’m definitely in a trough - not helped by borderline aggressive insensitivity by ex-H and complete silence from (ex)-FwB. But added to that, financial worries, too much work and ageing.

oh @Clytemnestra21 it sounds like we are in the same trough (although I luckily do not have ex-H issues).

The gardening is a slow painful process however. Never met nothing I couldn’t kill apart from weeds.

Definitely a trough. Been two weeks. I’m still dwelling obsessively on it despite keeping busy

Hey I’m awake as dwelling on something too 😟 is he still blocked? I promise it will get easier (need to tell myself that too)

Thanks @Moresunlessrain
I’m sorry you’re dwelling too. Is it FwB trouble too?
He’s no longer blocked.
I’m too curious about whether he’ll
contact me. I know that isn’t advisable and he hasn’t contacted me anyway (😔).
I was cross but now I feel more regretful.

It's hard. Try to reblock if you can. It puts you back in control.

Just wanted to remind you as well about the 5 stages of grief. As cunty as he was to you, losing someone in your life who was important to you is hard. Sounds to me like you're hovering between anger, bargaining and depression.

The acceptance stage will come, it just takes time. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Keep walking into it by doing what you're doing.

We keep arguing then making up. Not a healthy dynamic. Think I might need to pull on my big girl pants and end it. But the good bits are so good. Fell out again last night so I’m going to try and have a few days without him in my head

Only you can answer if the good bits are good enough to keep on putting up with his crap.

Can I ask what you're arguing about? xFwB and I used to argue because he'd be selfish, or didn't listen to me, or I'd be fed up with his dipping in and out of aloofness, or he'd be a drama llama over something that he'd taken offense at where there was no offence to be taken. Or he'd be arrogant/rude and didn't like me calling him out on it.

It was enough to make us not see each other more regularly. Or not message for a few days. It wasn't enough to end things, as I was enjoying the sex and company. I put up with the crap because the good bits were good. And it was never a relationship in my head. He was always my Mr Right Now.

I think FwB men are mostly emotionally stunted. They can only see their perspective, what they want, what they think. At the end, I listed off all the ways I showed xFwB care through the years. And pointed out that I went through far worse trauma in our time together than he did, but he was never present through my trauma like I was in his. He even said he'd never have got through his 2 hardest times without me caring for him like I did.

These men want you on their terms, in their way and only when they want you. If the good bits are good, then fair enough. But asking them to give even a little more than they are already causes them headwork, which they don't want.

Honestly, I could keep on this subject for ages!

Bottom line @Moresunlessrain , is the good worth the crap?

It’s exactly that @OfcourseitsaNC. I actually wonder if we’re in a power struggle sometimes. Or if I’m being unreasonable. It’s hard to know when you’re in the middle of something!

he did send me a nice message this morning. But I reiterated my feelings and he’s gone awol again. Will see where we get to and if it’s kinder to myself to end. Thanks

Heard from him yet @Moresunlessrain or is he still being a drama llama virtually flouncing off?

Still keeping strong @Clytemnestra21 ?

How's that garden looking @mummypigoink ? Picture please 🌻🌷🪻🌼

Morning all!
thanks @OfcourseitsaNC for asking. I’m staying strong in that I’m not contacting him. But he hasn’t contacted me! 😔
I really would like to meet someone else but feel too busy to look.

I think you’re in danger that he’ll contact you again because he wants sex and you’ll be back to square one @Clytemnestra21. Been there done that!!! Also if you block him it will stop the hope that is niggling that he will contact you. Do it!!!

thanks @OfcourseitsaNC we have kissed and made up. Let’s see.

im looking forward to the gardening photos!

Morning!! Garden very much at the worse before it gets better stage of putting grass seed down. Going to be a slow process. but in a few days, I should have pretty flowers to share. Lots of buds just waiting to pop

Whilst I'm really not complaining, this hot weather has scuppered my grass seed taking @mummypigoink . I'm going again in September. I do want to see the flowers when the buds pop, if you'll be happy to share your hard work with us?

I echo what @Moresunlessrain says @Clytemnestra21 . Take back control. Block block block.

And I hope your kissing and making up results in a positive outcome for you @Moresunlessrain . This time 🤞🏻